A
male
age
36-40,
*ay
writes:I was just wondering if u offered relationship help, because I've got myself worked up over a girl, and i really dont know what to do. I started a new job last year, and one of my old friends from school worked there too. I got to know everybody, and one girl in particular stood out, her name was tanya. I found out she had a boyfriend though, so i backed off, but i still was quite interested. A month or so later, i find out my friend from school is interested in the same girl. I didn't say anything about me liking tanya, because we used to argue over girls at school, and i didn't wanna be immature about it. Next minute, i find he's apparently madly in love with her, and i thought id be a nice guy, and just leave it. I really liked her myself, but i didn't want to hurt my mate. Me and tanya were always really close friends at work. Infact we were probably the closest 2 people at work. but i never really had the confidence to make the move Especially whilst my mate said he loved her. A month or so later, they end up seeing each otherbehind her boyfriends back because she is unhappy with him. At this point, i feel guttered because I backed off in the first palce because tanya had a boyfriend, yet my mate is doing what i should've done in the first place. Anyway, they see eachother for a few weeks, and then she splits up with her boyfriend. Tanya and my mate make a go of it, and it didnt work out. My mate finished it with her, because he was pretty worked over some stuff, and was taking it out on her. Few weeks later, we all go out for a drink for christmas eve. Me and tanya ended up sort of getting together that night, we didnt have sex but it was pretty intimate. We both got back to our own homes about 3am Xmas day, and at this point i was so happy i cant even explain. The next week or so, the whole debate in my mind was whether she was worth pissing my mate off for.. Because he wouldnt be happy. Something inside told me she was worth it, and we carried on.. Anyway, we carry on seeing eachother and texting eachother. My mate knows nothing about it, and it felt like she was really interested. About 2-3 weeks later, things go a little bit off. She didnt want to go out, meet up, or anything. I asked her why, and she said that my mate meant a lot to her, and she didnt want to hurt him, and she wanted to call it off. I was totally guttered, but i thought i could handle it. About this time i'd just got a new job and i was leaving my current job in a few days. The next day (My last day at my current job), im at work, and she would be starting her shift later. Tanya comes into work in my mates car, but he isnt working. My immediate reaction is literally "What the f*ck?".. And all day through the shift, things were going through my head. I didnt speak to her all day pretty much, At the end of the shift, she left with him aswell. Hardly even said bye. I asked her if she was seeing him again, and she said she was. Literally at that point, my whole mind was screwed. Ripped me to pieces that she went back to him.. I realised i had no choice but to get over her, so idecided to delete her number, and get over her. But she would text me, asking if we could still be friends, and saying that i mean so much to her, and asking if we could be as close as we were. 2 weeks later, i saw her again properly for the first time. We were all going out for a drink to "celebrate" me leaving focus. And no matter how much i tried, i couldn't have a civil conversation with her all night. I just couldnt cope seeing her with my mate. I was being pretty nasty, ignoring her, and blanking her. and by the end of the night she ended up crying. She sent me a few abusive text messages saying "Im a heartless bastard", and told me to "Forget about us".. The next day we both apologised, and said the last thing we wanted to do was fall out and not be friends. Things were still going through my head, like "Why did she start seeing me, then go back to my friend if i mean som much to her. I asked her if she was actually interested in me in the beginning and her exact words were "Why do you think I was so upset when we fell out?" I got to the point where i'd just had enugh, and wanted to forget about everything, and just be friends. So we arranged to meet up in 2 weeks, and go for a drnk and chat. She's been having a lot of trouble from her ex-boyfriend, he keeps sending her abusive text messages and threats, and shes been told by the doctor she is depressed at the moment. I wanted to go out with her and cheer her up cos she means a hell of a lot to me as a friend, so we went out about 2 days ago. We had an awesome time, talked about everything. We laughed so much, talked constantly for about 3-4 hours, and it all just brought back what we were like as friends, and when we were seeing eacother. It cheered her up a lot, and she thanked me for it, but for me it just brought back the reasons i like her so much, and the feelings i have for her. Somthing that came up into the conversation aswell, was my mate. He's sort of a compulsive liar, He tells a lot of white lies, and we all know he does, but we never confront him about it. He apparently pissed through somebodies letterbox before, apparently had his head flushed down a toilet at school, and some other crazy stuff that myself and all my old school friends are 100% sure he never did. Tanya even agrees that he lies to her. Also, my mate doesnt trust tanya at all. He goes through her phone, sneaks up on her when shes with other lads at work to see what she is doing, and she says she doesnt understand him.. So what im thinking is why is she with somebody who lies to her, and doesnt trust her one bit? I got myself all worked up, and sent her a text message saying "My head is spinning, getting worked up about you again, cos we get on so well! I know ya dont need this at the moment, with Paul (Her ex-bf) on your back, but do me a favour and tell me you have no desire to be more than friends if thats the way it is. I'll back off straight away if thats the case, i just cant get my head round why your with Sam (My mate) again, when u know he lies to you, and doesnt trust you. I know im being a dickhead, but im going mental lol, sorry. I know ya bin down etc, and i understand,. Dont want to make things worse for you.. I just need to know.." I sent it this mornig, and still havent had a reply. Im worrying that ive blown the whole friendship we've got, just because i cant get my head round everything and control my feelings for her.. I just wish she could give me a straight answer for once. Do you think i should just back off now and leave it? Because i know shes down already, i dont want to be another one of her problems, but at the same time, i have such strong feelings for her.. I dont wanna lose her as a friend either.I got worked up yesterday and sent her a text saying that if she don't wanna reply fair enough, I'm sorry for being an idiot in the past few weeks. She still hasn't replied.If she isnt replying, why? Im trying to be straight about it, and she just wont reply.
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at work, christmas, confidence, depressed, her ex, immature, liar, no desire, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (16 February 2007):
I agree with dagwood, shes got issues. You need to figure out the type of girl that will really make you happy. Even if you got with this girl, wouldnt you be constantly worried shes going to get it on with your mate ? Or find something on the side ? Like dagwood said, you will get a lot more respect for being strong. x
A
male
reader, Nay +, writes (15 February 2007):
Nay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell so far, ive still had no reply 3 days later. I nipped into the work place where she works to buy a computer chair, and i was hoping not to see her. I saw her, and carried on walking because i thought she hadnt seen me, but she shouted "Heyup Nay!" as i was walking off, and i just said "Alright!" without looking at her, and carried on walking. I couldnt stand talking to her, just wanted to get out the way..
I dont understand how she can ignore my texts, but then say hello like nothing is going on..
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (13 February 2007):
This girl wants a bit of everything. She was with her boyfriend and started seeing your mate. Then she cant decide who she wants to be with out of you two. Im sorry, and you dont deserve it but, SHE DOES NOT GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOU. She just loves to have a choice out of more than one guy and LOVES the fact that your chaseing after her. If she really cared about your mate, she would have told you STRAIGHT OUTRIGHT that there must never be anything between you and her and that you must not feel that there will be. But no, she strung you along aswell because she cant stand the thought of you not wanting her. She hasnt replied to you is because if she told you she didnt want anything more than friends you might give up and stop wanting her. Sorry but you need to find a girl that isnt going you use you just to make you feel better. Shes never going to be with you because your to nice. She wants a bastard that lie to her, and loves the silly little idiot on the side (you) that is lovesick over her. You are a silly little puppy who she knows will come runing when she calls you. If you still want her to like you (or you dont beleive me), send her a cold message. Something like, you havnt replied so im just letting you know that i only want to be friends as i cant be botherd with your crap. You will soon get a text message with her wingeing in it, saying all the usual rubbish like ''oh but you mean so much and, oh i really want to still see you''. She doesnt want that, she just wants you to stay hooked on her. Be a man and tell her to get lost, tell her you want a strong woman who knows what she wants. Not some silly idiot who cant make up her mind about who she wants. As for calling you a heartless bastard, tell her that she is the heartless bitch. She only cried and said those things because you were not chaseing after her trying to get her to love you. Cant you see that, the only time you stand up to her and she goes off flippin crying. Stop being a fool and get someone who actually LIKES you. You can message me if you want x
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A
male
reader, Nay +, writes (13 February 2007):
Nay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, i understand what you are both saying totally.. I guess i am in love, its been a while since i felt like this about a girl.I just hate thinking about the fact that shes with my mate, especially with how he lies etc.. and valentines day coming up :( lolAhh, well all ur advice is noted :)Thanks people.. any more advice is welcome too, trying to get a general thought about it all
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (13 February 2007):
 You've gotten in touch with her and left the ball in her court. Now you WAIT! Don't end up making a fool of yourself saying how you feel and continuing to text/call/email her. She's GOT the message now and it's over to her. Now what you need to do is busy yourself and try to get on with things and hope you hear from her again. If you don't, then that speaks volumes. She has a lot of issues to deal with and SHE needs some space to think about her feelings too so back off now. If you continue texting her because you haven't heard anything you'll only cloud her thoughts, does that make sense?
Think if you were in her shoes. You're trying to put it all together, sort it all out and these texts keep coming in from a girl (shoe on the other foot here remember.) How would it make YOU feel? Wouldn't it cloud your thoughts and make you even more confused? So back off, give her space. Let the others annoy her all the time and you sit in the background for now. Remember, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" so if she doesn't hear from you for a bit she might even miss you and pine for you and end up getting in touch. If she does great, take it from there. She knows how you feel about her, she'd be silly if she didn't so there's really nothing more you can say OR do now.
If you don't hear from her then you have to move on and forget about her altogether, if you don't you're only going to beat yourself up and maybe even destroy yourself and your confidence in the process. If it's meant to be it will be, if it's not it's not.
Just BE PATIENT and WAIT!!!! ;o)
Eve
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A
male
reader, Dagwood  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 Hi Nay, looks like you're in love mate! But the problem is she's got issues. Firstly she cheated on her boyfriend with your mate and then she's dangling you on a string! Is this what you want for yourself? This will only end up hurting you more and more. My suggestion is to forget about her, you can't be her "friend" if you love her, it just does not work. Change your group of friends, do some sport and take up a hobby. Knuckle down at the new job and take sometime to figure out exactly what type of lady will make you happy and what you want from a relationship. As the old saying goes there's plenty of fish in the sea! It will be hard at first but you'll be strong and she'll respect you more for it! Good luck & take care.
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