A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am need of some guidance at the minute and hope you can help!I first met Tim when I was at school, we were close friends and always shared a fondness of each other until teenage years when we lost touch. 12 years ago we became in contact again when our children became friends. We were both in other relationships and there was never any suggestion of anything romantic between us, just a mutual fondness of each other. I separated from my children’s father 10 years ago and haven’t found anyone since that I wanted a serious relationship with. About 3-4 years ago Tim and his wife separated and he asked me out. I said no because it was clear he was still in love with her and wanted to stay go back for the children which he eventually did. A couple of months ago he messaged me again and told me that he was separated from his wife again, things hadn’t been good for years and he wanted to date me. I was flattered but again told him that he needed to give the break up some time to make sure he knew what he wanted. He secured himself a new property and has put everything in place to financially support his children . Over the last few weeks we have spoken daily and met up a couple of times. The first time was strictly friends, the second we kissed and cuddled and it felt amazing! The thing is I am torn between my head saying stay out of it and protect myself and my heart telling me to grasp this chance of happiness! I feel extremely guilty that I am involved in any way with this. I really like him far more than I want to ... please offer me your honest advice here, Thankyou xx Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2019): [EDIT]:
Typo or grammatical correction:
"Their behavior just might change as well."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2019): As an adult you have the benefit of experience and maturity; which gives you an added sense of responsibility, and an even more developed sense of judgement. Lean on the side of common-sense. The heart can be foolish and reckless.
It has been my experience that people freshly out of a divorce have very mixed and unpredictable feelings. Hot one minute, cold the next; and then there's a state of confusion and/or total numbness.
What you thought you felt, or what you think you wanted, could suddenly change. There are rebound-feelings following any form of separation or breakup. Be that divorce; or just boyfriend and girlfriend, who've decided the relationship has run its course.
Being a man, and knowing how we think; I urge you to curb your enthusiasm and to pump your breaks. Guard your heart.
Men don't entirely give-in to our emotions and feelings the same as women. Men and women just don't think alike; and you should wait and see if he is as committed to his feelings about you as you think he is.
He did return to his wife awhile back; and for me, that would slow me down. I am not discouraging you from pursuing a possible relationship; but you're talking about a "man" getting a divorce, and seeing the prospect of his freedom right before his eyes.
He has children with whom his wife has primary live-in custody; who has to get through her own feelings, and dealing with shared-custody. You show up, and ready to grab hold of her man for a romance. You're a woman, and you know exactly how that will go-over. The kids and finances suddenly become pawns. It could raise her scorn feeling you were waiting like a vulture; although that isn't the case.
You are offering him sex and comfort following an emotionally-traumatic phase in his life. Yes, he will seek some comfort and female-companionship. Does it follow he's ready for a committed-relationship and serious romance so soon? Yet to be determined.
You had better think more like a mature and dignified woman in her 40's; not a love-struck young high school girl. There may be a few hurdles to get-over; once it is apparent you're romantically-involved. If your kids are teenagers and friends, are they aware you're dating, not just friends?
They're behavior just might change as well.
I'm just telling you his feelings could change months down the road; and he will realize his freedom and it's benefits; As soon as the dust settles; and his life has been situated regarding his kids, and final settlement of loose-ends with his ex-wife.
There is life after divorce, and they share children. They still have issues and adjustments to make. You're fantasizing a great romance dating back to high school.
Just be careful.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 March 2019):
 Your gut instinct is telling you that you are playing with fire. You need to listen.
You have been very sensible up to now and protected yourself from being his rebound. Much as you may like him, the timing is not right and you know it.
There COULD be a future for you (it sounds like you have a good friendship and a mutual fondness for each other, which is a really good start) but he needs to heal from his marriage and divorce before entering into another relationship. At the moment he sounds like he is trying to wipe out the pain of the past with a new romance. Don't be his rebound, his distraction. You are worth better.
In your shoes, I would tell him he must get his divorce through before there is any chance of any romance between you. Difficult I know, and I can feel from your post how much you just want to fall into his arms and stay there, but you already know that is not wise. Be strong; it will be worth it in the end.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 March 2019):
 I would tell him you two need to cool it until the divorce is final.
That way HE gets time to decide IF he really wants a divorce and move on from his marriage and wife or not and YOU don't get caught in the middle.
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