A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Background: im an atheist, also a virgin, I dont usually find virginity something necessary in a partner, but I do find it quite beautiful and special. Most of the feelings Ive built up for her in this time stem from the fact I belived (one time I told her about my relationships and virginity and when I asked her about hers she said "same story") that she was also a virgin.Yesterday she told me that more than a year ago (befor we even met) she went with some guy back to his appartment, (even tho she knew he had a grilfriend that she even met once) and had sex with him. When I ask her why she did this, she says it means nothing, and that she did it more as an experiment, because she didnt belive he would go trough with it, having a girlfriend and all ...I dont really know if I can explain this, but I feel betrayed. She says that she has to mean more to me than just her virginity. I know that I cant really hold things that happened in our seperate pasts against her, but suddenly she just feels so medicore to me. The person I fell in love with, I didnt expect this from.Everytime I think about her now, I just imagine some random dude that has no feeling for her, making love to her.Am I overreacting? Is it really no big thing? Please help.TL;DR: Girl I dated for 1 year that once hinted she was also a virgin told me she lost her virginity befor we met with some dude that had a girlfriend wich she knew about. Need help with deciding how to move forward.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): If the OP loved his GF enough then he would stay with someone that he does not trust to be honest and has done things that go against his moral values? That kind of "love" is not healthy.How is that different from an abusive man telling his wife that she must not love him because she won't stay with him and accept his abuse?Lying about the past is not on the same level with physical abuse but this example gets the point across. It is emotional blackmail to tell someone they don't love their partner unless they are willing to stay in a relationship that is not healthy for them.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (5 June 2013):
Dear OP,
Of course you deserve our help. It sounds like this is quite confusing and upsetting for you, so it's already good if this brought some clarification.
Love is complicated and full of doubt sometimes. A relationship is something you need to work on and there are moments when you think about quitting.
Now, if you can forgive her then go and call her, apologise if you've been hurtful. Then find out what your true feelings are for her. If you love her, then stay together. And talk openly about some sexual wishes that might have come up in the mean time. Don't think about moral high grounds so much anymore. It was a useful defense maybe, in the past, but now it makes you unhappy. You realised that, which is very mature. I get the feeling that you're actually a quite considerate person and you can sort these issues out.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 June 2013):
 Maybe mine is an oversimplification, but I think basically you weren't that enthusiastic about the girl to begin with . At least , you weren't in love. Fashion sense ? Who thinks about fashion sense when they are in love ?
The way I think it's gone, due to your own insecurities,mental blocks , and social awkwardness, you did not go after the kind of girl(s) you really wanted, you just accepted to make do with what you could get,i.e. this girl with her boring fashion sense and other undescribed " faults ". Faults noticeable enough that you had to make a willing effort to get over them. BUT : at least she was a virgin, yey ! Since you do value highly virginity , the score went : boring clothes, minus 50. Other faults, minus 20 each, for a total of X. But, virginity !, 1000 bonus points, so she came on top anyway .
Now that she does not get the virginity bonus,- you are stuck with a minus something,- the girl hasn't got that much appeal left, beside that of being the first ,and so far only one, you could get with relative ease.
In this sense yes, it's possible that you appreciated more the virginity than the person , and now , without the virginity, you are stuck with a person that .. is sort of somewhat OK, but does not really rocks your world. Lackluster.
if I am wrong and you were in fact actually crazy about the girl, well, let's see : does it have to be so important ? You say yourself that for you virginity is beautiful but not necessary. Great if there is, but if there is not,- it's not a dealbreaker.
So why contraddicting yourself and MAKING it a dealbreaker ?
Is it, or is it not ( a dealbreaker ) ? You need to make up your mind, from now on.
I understand this may be not about the virginity itself, but about the lie. I do not underestimate that- honesty and trust ARE important. Virginity may also not be a dealbreaker, but being a liar definitely IS.
If you see it this way- it makes sense, I can't say you are wrong- you need to be able to trust a person to stay with them.
Then again, rarely things in life are so black and white, either or, yes or not. There may be generic extenuating circumstances, individual allowances to make . Like, there is so little physical confidence between you , you don't even kiss- it must have felt weird to bring up sex openly, and out of the blue,out of context. You say she is shy in general life, maybe she is painfully shy too in discussing her sex life . Or maybe she knew how sanguine you are about the subject , and was afraid you were going to dump her on the spot, so she tried to delay the moment of truth.
Note that all these are explanations, NOT justifications- misrepresenting truth is still wrong, regardless of motivations.
Yet, I think that someone in love , and in an otherwise happy relationshup, would at least give some weight to the motivations. There is no real fairness without compassion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2013): If you loved her enough, you wouldn't care if she was a virgin or not.
Therefore by definition since you do care a lot that she isn't, that means you don't love her enough for this relationship to work.
In the future you may find another woman who you love so much that you don't mind that she isn't a virgin. But, this girl isn't her as you cannot see past the virginity issue with her. So my advice is to end this relationship as you already cannot accept her.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 June 2013):
 Thank you, iAmHereToHelpYou, you are correct in your assessment of my question to the OP.
So you didn't answer the basic question: do you love this shy Christian who didn't disclose her one sexual encounter right off the bat? Do you want to be with her?
So I'm guessing that no, you don't love her and you don't see yourself with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didnt have all these pieces layed out at the start. Sorry if you feel you wasted your time. Im gonna text her. Thanks for the help even if i didnt deserve/need it.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2013):
So let's boil this down to one question:
Do you love this shy Christian who has bad taste in clothes and one sexual experience or not?
Okay. Two questions. You are doling out information about the relationship and your background here, in stingy little parcels. Should we cut you off for not disclosing the entire truth and the complete situation right off the bat in the first question as of now? Or should you be able to disclose more as you feel more comfortable?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEuphoric29 nothing that u said i find offensive, on the contrary. She has a bad relationship with her dad because she thinks he cheated on her mom. And i also thing my father cheated on my mother befor they got divorced.I think the biggest problem here is my inexperiance. If i lost my virginity befor i would probably find it as no big deal, as everyone always tells me. I could even see hooking up and cheating as something that is derived out of certain needs.As chigirl pointed out, i guess i am using my virginity as moral high ground. I also use it as something that distinguishes me from the people whos actions i usally dont aprove of, but i would gladly loose it. Im just fixated on this belief that i have higher value and need to find a person with similar value (again i know this is just a defense mechanism)I respect christianity and followed it until my father died, it was never a problem between us. The really hypocritical part is that I would probably be turned off if she stood by chastity untill marrige. My double standard here is preety disgusting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe might had been holding back with me since she knew i might leave after i found out. She never said it directly as in "im a virgin", but i called her out numerous times like making fun of both of us as being virgins and she never objected... I did get suspicious one time when i offered her to sleep over and i said "i mean this in a non sexual way" and she said "i dont mind even if its sexual". I compleatly agree that the problems are on my side. I have certain issues that i unfairly push on other people. I mean im acting as if we were dating for years and she cheated on me or something. I admit its unfair to reduce her as a person on her virginity. But i always tought of her in this way when overlooking her faults (for instance, i find her choice of clothes rather boring, but i always saw it as a cute side effect, that can also pobably apply to me, etc.) She also once stated taht she has a hard time of overlooking my fault of being generaly quite immature and still living at home and not being good at taking care of myself.I admit i overly fantasised about us having sex for the first time.I cant predict if this will haunt me. It did yesterday, and i couldnt sleep for half the night.Somehow I took it personaly, as if im never good enough, or always late (i keep telling my self i always have bad luck) I keep doubting if I should have just lost my virginity in the same way (i had a few oportunities to do so), or put myself out there more.I never felt pain trough another person befor like i did last night when we were standing on the bus stop and not talking. I could see in the corner of my eyes how all of this had hurt her. I huged her and told her i need some time.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (4 June 2013):
Dear OP,
Your girlfriend is 27.
So, she had sex once in those 27 years, which is a very long time. And she obviously regretted it and she admitted it to you now. Which means she's really serious about this relationship and she's taking a big risk by telling you.
I would say, forgive her. Forgive her this lie. She IS pretty much a virgin to me, still, because a one-time sexual experience is still very, very innocent, given her age.
I don't want to be rude, but all in all I get the vibe as if you are being a bit of a hypocrite about this. I don't mean this in an accusatory way, just maybe there's some stuff you might want to think about before judging her.
You said you had "missed years and experiences" and you wished to be equal - so then, is your virginity really a noble and moral choice? Did you really make an effort to save yourself for the right one? Or do you rather regret that you don't have more experiences?
From your post it sounds as though you're a little jealous. So it's not about her being mediocre or not living up to her/your standards.
I don't want to lecture you, sorry if it comes across that way. Just want to say, if you enjoyed this relationship so far, I would find it sad if you end it because of something like that.
Maybe you want to think about your own virginity. Are you still at peace with it or not? If yes, then don't look at other peoples' decisions and stick to your principles. Don't compare yourself to what other people do. If you're not at peace with it, then try to have sex, so there's nothing to regret a few years from now.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2013):
You describe yourself as an atheist. She is a Christian.
So how do you reconcile these two very different belief systems?
That would seem to me to be more of an issue than who had sex with whom and when.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): No that's not true, things are not always rosy like they are in the movies. People will always have pasts both good and bad, and you will always have to compromise in some way in order to make things work. No one is perfect so there will always be things you need to 'accept' about the other person. She is 27 and made one mistake one time by sleeping with a guy she didn't care about. I too am 27 and although I am not overly experienced myself, she sounds like a saint compared to me! I am also confused by the 'I'm not as innocent as I look' comments and her saying she didn't know how to bring it up - did she actually tell you directly (in words) that she was a virgin when you met?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2013):
It is a bit odd that a shy, self-described Christian would choose to test a guy by going back to his apartment and have sex with him knowing he had a girlfriend in the way you describe, and at the age of 25, to boot. That doesn't ring true to me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 June 2013):
 "The person I fell in love with, I didnt expect this from."
It is evident then, that you don't actually know her enough to love her for her. You love an IDEA of her. You don't actually know her. She IS the person you supposedly are in love with... Yet you are disappointed because she turns out to not be the person you thought she was. Whether that comes from her deceiving you, or you not being real about who she is.. who knows. Could be both, you added a lot of meaning into something she didn't directly say, and when it comes down to it.. if you don't even know whether your partner is a virgin or not then you don't really know them that well. So you filled in the blanks with your imagination.
No, she's not the one you fell in love with, because you didn't keep your eyes open to who she actually was. You should have asked more questions, gotten to know for sure, of WAIT with assuming who she was until you got to know her better. She on the other hand could also have been more upfront about her status, when she did imply (to you at least) that she was a virgin.
In the end you say you dated her for ONE YEAR??!?!?! Then how could you know so very little about who she was as a person? Fair enough, most people don't reveal their true self until after 6 months, but still. This seems like a very superficial relationship. These things ought to have been discussed more openly, not briefly mentioned at one point.
Now on to the next problem.
"I have this fear that the only way I can be a man is if I get a partner that has the same amount of experiances. "
Stupid, irrational fear that is built on ignorant assumptions. You can throw that thought in the trash. Because it's a life lie, a lie you tell yourself. A lie that brings you down and makes you feel bad about yourself, like you have to "get even" for something. Like you aren't a man without having done this or that. Look. You're a man. You have a penis. You don't have breasts. That makes you a man. Having had sex, or whatever amount of experience, doesn't make you more of a man. Not having had sex, and not having the same sexual experience, doesn't make you less of a man.
Conclusion of my advice: You don't know this girl. And, not knowing her, combined with your irrational fear, makes a bad combination. First, you don't love her, because you can't love someone you don't know. So before you decide what to do about the relationship: GET TO KNOW HER. TALK for heavens sake. Discuss. Debate. Share your thoughts. Talk about sex, virginity. And tell her to never again talk about her past sexual experiences, because no one wants to hear about that. Really. I don't put value on virginity, and I'm liberal and don't really care if someone has had tonnes of partners. Even so, even I don't want to hear the details about whom they've bedded. I sometimes ask about their experiences, like, if they ever had outdoor sex, or if they ever this or that. But never with whom, or the details surrounding their relationship with this person. Whether it was a one night thing or a steady relationship, I don't ask, I don't need to know. One of my exes started talking about how his last girlfriend loved this and that in bed.. Sheez. NO ONE wants to hear that. So you not wanting to hear it is perfectly normal.
However, you thinking her having had experience makes you less valuable than her in some way, like less of a man, less of this or that... That's irrational. That's something you need to focus on for real, and work on.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2013):
That depends on how you define 'true love.'
You have a lot of beliefs going on here. Do you believe that you shouldn't have sex before marriage or just that you believe you want to have sex only with another partner who is also as 'inexperienced' as yourself?
For example, does oral sex count as losing one's virginity?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNah, she was around 25 I think.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2013):
How old was she when she had this consensual sex? Was she 15 and he was older?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne additional question that keeps bugging me: is it true that if something is true love you dont get into these kinds of situations/questions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome additional information:I didnt see the ages missing in the post, I guess they might give some insight ... im 24 and shes 27. We went to the seaside together last year, then she was in another country for 6 months and I visited there for a week at newyears eve. When she came back we went on several trips and saw each other atleast once per week. Things got more heated these last few months as we started displaying affection publicly and went to a wedding together... we only held hands and kissed on the cheeks tho (i did most of the initiation). Shes preety shy and a Christian.Once we talked about a friend of ours that actually introduced us and had a big crush on me for a long time. This friend told us how she lost her virginity after hooking up at a bar, and I later told my SO that I find that immoral.Her anwser to not telling me sooner is that she never found a way of mentioning as its not as simple as just striking it up mid conversation to her. She also implied how she said "im not as innocent as i look" several times.I think that she in a way still considers herself somewhat of a virgin. She said the sex they had wasnt much but that she cant disregard it as not sex. She also said that shes not 15 years old and I cant expect certain things from her.She never had any partners prior to me (as far as I know of atleast).Thanks for the replies, thus far everything has helped me in a way.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2013):
"I have this fear that the only way I can be a man is if I get a partner that has the same amount of experiances. It has alot to do with loosing my father and growing up with my mom and brother. I never really dated anyone past elementary school, if that even counts. I think that by sleeping with a virgin I could get back all those missed years and be equal."
You're trying to build a relationship based on a fear? At your age, you ARE a man. Why do you believe you are not?
There's far more to this than your morals and her deception.
You say you've been dating her for a year, is this an LDR? I'm asking because you are in your 20s, have been dating for a year and are still a virgin.
There's also a disconnect in your description of virginity as 'beautiful and special' while you admit that it's actually a fear of being with someone who isn't a virgin that upsets you more.
Alas, some fathers die young and leave grieving families behind, just as some mothers do. Why would this translate into a problem with forming relationships and this fear of not being a 'man'?
There's more psychological issues here than the fact that she lied about her past sexual history. She, too, may have her own issues with sex and she should not have lied.
When you say most of your feelings were based on the fact that she was a virgin, then perhaps you aren't really interested in her as a person, but in the label of virginity. Somehow the concept of virginity has taken on a mythical aspect for you. Maybe you like it so much you don't really want to lose that label yourself?
So, back to this specific relationship and woman, kindly explain how much time you spend together, in real life. Thanks!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): What if you had told her that you were a millionaire when you first started dating, and then revealed a year later that you weren't weathy? If you say, "Why was my money so important to you, is that all you care about?" This is bullshit. You lied and she has the right to feel betrayed about it. Furthermore, your GF did not only reveal that she had sex before. She revealed that she had meaningless casual sex with a guy she knew had another woman. It's not just that she isn't a virgin. She also did something that you did not think she was capable of doing. Her moral boundaries are not what she led you to think they were at all. If she really didn't think this issue was worth much thought then she never would have bothered to lie about it. She knew what she did reflected badly on her so she edited her story.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2013):
 OP your follow-up said you THINK that by sleeping with a virgin you will reclaim what you think you missed and be equal. NOPE not going to happen.
I had 3 husbands before I married the current one. He had NO wives and ONE very short LTR… so almost NO experience in the romance department. He’s a fine husband for me and I’m a great wife for him. My life experiences (I’m 13 yrs older as well) do NOT undermine that he is the man in our home and he is my partner. My spouse, my equal. Who he was with before me is not relevant to me, just as who I was with before him is not relevant to him. OUR pasts make us who we ARE but they do not define who we can become.
DO NOT cut off your nose to spite your face and think that all things in a relationship must be equal. Do you think that you and your wife will have to earn the same amount of money? Do you think if a wife earns more than a husband it makes him less than a man? I make nearly 38k MORE than my husband. Trust me HE’s the one in CHARGE in our home. OUR choice.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (4 June 2013):
You have every right to value virginity in a SO. You also have every right to expect the truth be told to you about it.
Lies of any type always have a way of being uncovered. That she lied to you about something so obviously important to you means she can lie about other important things as well. If I were you, I would have a very direct conversation with her about the honesty you expect, if that is you still want to stay.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): It's of course up to you whether you can get over it or not, but I'd consider the likelihood that she was ashamed and that's why she didn't tell you right away. She probably wishes she'd waited and was scared it would put you off her if you knew the truth (which turned out to be exactly what happened).
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have this fear that the only way I can be a man is if I get a partner that has the same amount of experiances. It has alot to do with loosing my father and growing up with my mom and brother. I never really dated anyone past elementary school, if that even counts. I think that by sleeping with a virgin I could get back all those missed years and be equal.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2013):
To me this is not about her past but rather her lie and betrayal of your trust with her lie.
the key issue is, do you trust her now? will you trust her to always tell you the truth now? since you know she's capable of lying to your face, can you ever trust her?
If you think it was a one time issue, and you think you can get past the lie and rebuild enough trust, then go for it.
IF you break up with her over this (and you have every right to do so, make sure she knows it's NOT about the virginity (it should not be anyway) but RATHER it is about the fact that she LIED, she deceived you, she betrayed your TRUST.... these things are so much more important than who she had sex with before she even knew you....
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