A
female
age
30-35,
*iamondshards
writes:At my Uni, there's a very politically involved guy who's hated by the majority of people and almost worshipped by the few who don't; my group of friends was among the people who disliked him, so to speak. I added him on Facebook out of curiosity, to see if there was more to him than this persona he seemed to play- and there is. We talked for three months or so nearly daily, with him being the one who contacted me first everyday, and so I found out there is much more to him than what people see. He IS a narcissist, self centered and pompous, can definitely be an ass, but it seemed like it was just a shell that he put up to protect his insecure self, and that he could be really caring and sweet {for instance, remembering small details about me} underneath it all.This, combined with how incredibly smart and witty he is, made me like him more and more, until one day, after about a month of talking, he mentioned a girl 'he was hanging out with'. Of course it didn't feel very nice, but, judging by how little he talked about her, I thought it was nothing serious, so we kept talking. Our convos were mainly about philosophy, politics, literature, each other and our lives etc. He did overstep a boundary by jokingly saying, more than once, that I was in love with him- to which I replied those were his own feelings projected on me.After this, he invited me to his political meetings- I did go, because I was interested in the matter but also to see him in person. When I did, our banter went on almost as it did online. I've been getting more involved in these activities ever since, and his behaviour has been odd throughout the last months. At times he'll say things that seem to go beyond friendship {how he cares about me, how he's able to see what's beautiful and unique in me, how he enjoyed everything we did together listing every little detail, apologizing to me when he does to nearly no one, giving me puppy eyes, taking my hand, coming to me when he's sad} and other times he barely acknowledges my presence nodding his head.In the mean time, I also found out that he was not 'just seeing' this girl, but that she's actually his gf, with whom he's been for 10 months now. According to him -and I quote stuff he said in front of me here- she's old {7 years older than him, for the record}, should thank him for the fact she even found someone willing to do her, is childish and he hates it, and he's with her because of his Oedipus complex. Of course, when she's there he calls her sweetheart and holds her hand and says he loves her though.Now, of course I've tried to stop these damn feelings for him. I have been for a while now- and not only because he's taken, even if that of course is a reason too. He's moody, again self centered and uncaring toward others but oversensitive and insecure when it comes to him, is always doing a million things and you always feel like you're stealing his precious time when you talk to him for five minutes. Our conversations ever since this autumn have been also getting more and more rare- now we do meet in person in class or for our activities, which we didn't at the time, but then we're always surrounded by a million people and never have time to REALLY talk anymore. I feel as though I mostly go unnoticed on his radar anymore- but it's not just me, the gf feels the same way too. It's as though his world revolves around him and what he does and other people, whoever they are, are just things he can take or leave- maybe even pleasant, but unnecessary to him. So then I pull away- and when I do, he always comes looking for me. He'll reach out inviting me somewhere, he'll apologize, he'll say he cares about me a lot etc. I'll stop being mad enough to be able to stay away from him and then the cycle will begin again. Honestly, I'm getting tired of this.We're always just friends and I've never tried to overstep that because a) I don't want to be his side dish while he's with someone else. b) I'm not one to push herself on someone. I never badmouthed his gf, everytime he jokes about how old she is or anything I either say nothing or say he really shouldn't speak of her that way. I can't force him to like me the way I do like him and clearly right now he prefers her to me {my theory is that he does that because she showers him with attention, feeding his ego and smoothing his insecurities, but he has to do little to nothing in return- it's a win/win status quo for him, why should he let go of it, really?}, also because I've got a stronger personality than she does and he wouldn't be able to get away with as much with me.Of course, this hurts, but frankly he's starting to suck even as a friend. We've always had an ironic relationship where we jokingly belittle each other, knowing we don't mean any of it- but lately, it's getting out of hand. I feel as though he only calls me out to point out whatever flaw he sees in what I'm doing- I don't do enough politically wise, he doesn't care about my opinion, we don't hang out together and I only 'stalk him' {as if, I maybe contacted him twice this past month, never post anything on his wall either} on Facebook, I don't share etc. Now, he says all of this as a joke- but it's starting to grate and I just don't feel as though I'm in on the joke as much anymore. He does so even more now that another friend of his is around- who's very much like him. Again, I don't think they mean any harm, but I'm getting tired of ONLY getting ironic remarks about whatever I'm lacking and how he doesn't care. Today he even invited a guy he met to have dinner out with him and said friend at a place near my house right in front of me and said NOTHING to me- I mean, he knew I have stuff to do and I wouldn't have gone, would it have killed him to be polite and invite me as well? He'll offer himself to do stuff for me -reading my paper, helping me out with an exam- without me ever asking anything in the first place, but then either not do it at all or half ass it. All these little things hurt me. I know it's nothing big, but his overall behaviour lately provokes me more pain than anything. Frankly speaking, I like being with him a lot, even just as a friend, and i adore talking to him, but lately all I've been getting is half assed favours and irony about me, my flaws and how he doesn't care. I love irony, I really do, but to only get that and nothing else makes me feel as though that's all I'm good for- just someone to make fun of and belittle to laugh about it. I know he cares, but if this is all he can do to show it, I'm not sure it's worth it to me anymore. Some day you need a friend you can actually talk to, a shoulder to lean on, and not just someone who'll be witty and ironic about you and the relationship you supposedly have.
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female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (13 December 2011):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWish I could edit my previous post to answer to anonymous and oliviaclairex as well- since I can't seem to do it, I'll post again.
@anon It's entirely possible he does love the attention I give him- even if lately I pay always less attention to him and he stopped jokingly saying I'm in love with him. I wouldn't say I made him and his interests my life, given the fact I see him maybe twice a week and plan on doing it even less, but I still get where you come from. I wasn't the one that said his gf was old and all that jazz- it was him who did that. I never spoke badly of her. Also, I'm throughly aware he's currently choosing her.
@olivia- I feel your pain then. I've pulled away in the past too and yes, he always comes back to me with an excuse after some time. I'm getting tired of this game, though, and I'm starting to think there's nothing to gain for me from being in contact with him anyway. Not only he'd make a sucky boyfriend, but he is also severely lacking as a friend- in a way it's not even his fault, he doesn't purposely hurt people, it's just the way he is, too focused on himself to even realize how his actions affect the others. Still, that doesn't mean I have to be the one to suffer from this, does it?
About telling him all of this...I may end up doing it, sooner or later, depending on how my emotions sway. I've already told him he just doesn't care about others and is unable to handle human interaction well- which he agreed to- but more generally so.
Thanks for the answers anyway!
A
female
reader, diamondshards +, writes (12 December 2011):
diamondshards is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all, thank you for going through this essay I wrote about it- really.He is very charming when he wants to be and is interesting- that was always the adjective I used to define him. And our relationship was never what one would normally call 'nice'. Like I said, we make fun of each other mutually, but it's all a joke and we know we don't mean it. Or at least that's how it used to be; today, for instance, when he corrected me saying we 'don't hang out with each other, you only contact me through facebook.' and then proceeded to joke with his friend about how I stalk him there {again, as if-only IMed him maybe twice last month}, it truly hurt me, because it hit too close to home. I don't know what to do, because I don't know if HE is worth any of this anymore.
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A
female
reader, oliviaclairex  +, writes (12 December 2011):
 I can not believe this!That is almost exactly my situation. (Apart from the girlfriend who is older, but he has a girlfriend). Every single bit, the way he acts, talks to me, invited me out. Argh I'm baffled by that!Anyway, in my situation, I've now got upset with him and pretended to be angry. Guys like this feed off attention, and so he's started questioning things 'why doesn't she want to talk to me anymore?' etc. And he hasn't changed, although I know I'm making him suffer a bit. He's gone into clingy mode, not too much, but he's facebook messaging me, texting me, asking me to see him and what not.So maybe try that?Although, if he has a girlfriend, maybe you should let off all that rant to him, tell him he's pathetic etc, it'll hurt his pride, and make you look strong:)!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2011): Sounds like you have a bad case of unrequited love. I'd say he adores how much you adore him, in a true narcissistic fashion, and that's what he misses when you pull away. In exchange for you making him and his interests your life, like a groupie does, he throws you a bit of attention here and there. Is it really worth it? I would say the irony he hurls at you are just insults because he respects you less and less for hanging around.
His girlfriend may seem old and dumpy to you, but keep in mind she is the one he chooses to have sex with and show off to his friends and groupies.
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A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (12 December 2011):
 I am sure he is very charming and interesting, and maybe one day he will grow up, but for now I think you should focus on self-preservation and distance yourself from this guy. Make him come to you, and maybe he will actually try (also be aware that he might not). Since he has a girlfriend and also gets to enjoy your company, he perhaps has no strong motivation to try for something better. But, if you really pull away, he might re-examine himself, and his feelings.
You could make also make a big move and lay your feelings out there. Have a real discussion with him and get him to define what he feels for you. This might help you to know where you stand and give you a chance to determine how to react to him.
Overall though, unfortunately, it doesn't sound like a very hopeful situation. He sounds, as you said, selfish and narcissistic. It's probably best to let this relationship go, and find someone who is better suited to have a real relationship with you. Seeing that he has a girlfriend and isn't being particularly nice to you, its not a good basis for the beginning of a romantic relationship!
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