A
female
age
36-40,
*ookNerd
writes:So today my husband found out that i maxed my (our) credit card. He was upset by this. Which i dont blame him. Ive totally broken his trust in me. I was going to say that i dont know why i lied about it. But i do. I lied because he gets very angry and frustrated with money. I place nearly all off my work pay into his bank account to help out with bills. I leave just enough money into my own account for fuel, bus tickets, life insurance, medication monthly girly things and a work fund There is always money left over in the joint account. I have asked for money ($10) for fuel and he has gotten very angry refused to transfer any. Hence why i get a great deal of anxiety asking for help or telling him i have money issues. I do admit i lied about my credit card and that im in the wrong. I know and feel it. Well today he was crying about our finances and had asked me to leave the room. He won't speak to me. I find it ever so frustrating and i envy him alot about the fact that he has purchased a brand new (off the floor) motor bike and car. Im not interested at getting anything of the sort at this time. Not because of my credit card. But because i simply don't feel the need for a new car. (Mine works great). But last week he wanted to spend $1500 on a kayak. I told him that i dont think he needs one (he has a boat!). He had stayed being very controlling with funds this last year. Im going to be seeing my psychologist tomorrow morning. I just don't know why i didnt tell him the true in the first place about the credit card.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2017): I know this is hard, but I think it would be truly fantastic for you and for the kids if he never returns. I'm completely serious. I've seen my own mum escape an abusive relationship. She did it for us as well as for herself. It wasn't easy but our lives were 1,000 times better for it.
Please make sure you have someone close with you to protect you from him, and do change the locks ASAP. Also find a solicitor ASAP to discuss you're actions from here. Please be brave. Don't let this cruel man back in to ruin your life and your kids' lives. You and your kids deserve to escape this man and enjoy your lives.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2017): Not responding to his son's text messages really gets to me. You're both adults, and there are issues you two have to workout between you. The children really need reassurance and comforting. As I'm sure you do as well, but please focus on them as much as you can. They have limited understanding; and when families fall-apart, they take it all on themselves. They don't know how sort-out these situations and really need extra attention. Please talk to them. Don't worry about your husband right now.
You made all this sound like it was about a maxed-out credit card. Your marriage if falling apart. Had you just gotten to the true meat of the matter, I would have been more focused on those issues.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (22 January 2017):
 You don't have to agree anything on the spot. You can always say I need time to consider this. Make some notes of things you want to say so that you don't forget. If possible reord the conversation between the two of you.
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A
female
reader, BookNerd +, writes (21 January 2017):
BookNerd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe texted me friday to tell me he was leaving and then texted me last night asking to come over to talk. He hasnt spoken to the kids since leaving and hasnt responded to our 12 yr old sons texts. I know he is hurting. So im trying to understand why he wont talk to him.
He texted last night asking to come over today to "talk". But wont give me a time. Im not ready for this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2017): But you didnt hurt his feelings you just spent some money on the children and your daily expenses!
He was annoyed because he wanted all the money to spend on himself.
So why are you backing down and taking the blame.
Clearly he lies to you but he's got you thinking youve done him wrong.
Why would you put yourself in a negative position where the kids are concerned.
Why didnt you tell them "He's annoyed because he said he needed more money and we dont have it right now!"
And then add "I told him to sell the boat if he was that desparate!"
How will your kids ever be able to talk reality to you if all you do is make excuses for daddy's selfish behaviour.
Do they have money in their accounts at all or has daddy spent that as well?
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (21 January 2017):
Staying with his mummy is he? Well make it clear if he wants to come and collect any of his things he should ring ahead so that you can either be out, or at least prepared.
Then you might want to consider changing locks. I definitely thing some relationship counselling would be a good move for you right now.
Apart from your feelings, they will know a lot about your rights. You need people in your corner.
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A
female
reader, BookNerd +, writes (20 January 2017):
BookNerd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe messaged me yesterday telling me he isnt cominf home. Im just trying to figure out how to cope. I told my mum, my closest friend and my 2 sisters who are going to take turns in staying with my for a few days.
The kids asked what's going on. I told them i hurt his feelings and he is going to stay with his mum for a few days (i dont know where he is) He told me that his mum is coming to collect his stuff today then messaged back that she isnt and he doesnt need it. Does that mean he will be collecting it himself, a friend maybe? I dont know.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (20 January 2017):
What you tell us shows what an unhappy situation you have been living in. Change is scary after eight years but I don't see how living in this oppressive relationship can be right for you.
Making decisions is the most empowering thing. You have organised some counselling. If you have family it may be time to confide in them too. The tendency may be to keep everything quiet but it's wrong. Confide and get their support.
When your husband is sitting on his own eating a ready meal and you are in your own place with your children making your own way then who will be the sorry one? Not you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2017): He doesn't need to attend the counseling. Go yourself so you will know how to handle your own financial affairs and not depend on him to do it all. The more independence you show, the more respect you receive; because he will see you're able to handle yourself. With or without him.
If you have a submissive personality, that's okay; it isn't always how you verbalize your concerns. Less said the better. It's actually telling him that you want to be consulted before he makes a major purchase; and getting access to all the family accounts and billing.
Knowledge is power. Know your finances, learn how to budget, and stand-up for yourself to protect yourself. Being totally at someone's mercy and control is not a marriage. That's imprisonment.
If at some point you decide to make any kind of move; you're going to have to be strong enough to fight for your kids and your rights as a woman within your household. It takes practice and standing strong; even when your knees are knocking together. I've been in the same sort of situation. I was in a domestic partnership with a successful attorney, with a very Alpha-male Type-A personality. That was tough, but it worked out. I learned how to stand-up over time. He learned respect!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2017): I am SO sorry for what you are going through.
The credit card is not the main issue. you say it gets paid weekly anyway, and it was HIM that refused to give you YOUR OWN money when you asked for YOUR money so you were left with no other option. (Other than to stand up for yourself!) -This is HIS fault. You are NOT to blame for this, so dont let him tell you that you are.
YOU paid for school fees and cinema = respensible, necessary and YEs - spending time and a small amount of money on entertainment with the kids IS necessary on occassion. You earnt the money to pay for it.
HE blew money on a new car a new bike and wanted a 1500 dollar kayak. There are no words for this in the context of how he's refusing you your money and putting blame on you. HE is to blame for all of this.
I think you'd be a million times better of without with him- both financially and emotionally. But until you can escape this abusive relationship at the very least you need control of your own money. Your money should go into your own account, and NOT to pay for his car or boat, and you are NOT to be left having to pay for school fees on a card which may incur his angst. The fees are as much his responsibility as they are yours.
Pleaseplease leave this relationship for your sake and your kids. They should not have to live with such a cruel and emotionally abusive bully ofa father. You deserve so much better.
If you read about your own story in a book you would be hoping that you would escape this cruel man.
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A
female
reader, BookNerd +, writes (19 January 2017):
BookNerd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel so silly. I've downloaded an app for my phone to help with budgeting and i've organised financial counselling for myself. this is something he will refuse to attend. Im doing something to help myself. i think my marriage is over after 8 years. we met when i was 16 (now 29) and have been together ever since. no other issues and I know thats because im submissive to him.I dont like arguing. I was physically and emotionally beaten down as a child. thats why i find it hard to have a back bone.I have stress, depression anxiety,along with endometriosis and adenomyosis. He complains and becomes a upset when i wont have intercourse. because its very painful. but that doesnt bother him. He doesnt have to go to emergency, or take pain relief everyday. we have 2 kids. 10 (girl) 12 (boy). I dont want to have a broken family. But i think its actually already broken between us. since ive been saying things out loud. I know how ridiculous it all seems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): You're being played and manipulated. He is setting the budget to appease his own frivolous desires; while regulating your spending. You ask your husband for your own money?
You don't go 50/50 until his big debts are paid-in-full.
He intimidates you over expenses. After you're foolish enough to turnover every dime of your hard-earned income for him to dole out to you as he sees fit. That's not a partnership, it's a dictatorship. You are too submissive, and taking an inferior position of authority within your own household. It's supposed to be equal!
Here's the advice I've practiced, and given to my own friends. Get a financial-planner to set your financial goals and help regulate your spending. Setup auto-pay for recurring monthly expenses, from a checking account for bills only. Use a debit card instead of a credit card for shopping. Setup a phone-app that reports every cash transaction; be it a purchase, deposit, or cash-withdrawal.
Leaving it all in his hands is only allowing him to selfishly work the budget around himself; instead of setting it for the benefit of the entire family, and the household living-expenses. Then you go and give him permission to bully you into begging for pennies? While you
shudder with fear. like a teenager worried daddy will see you've over-charged his credit card?
You have to teach yourself how to budget, and you should go over the budget with him at the end of each week and monthly. Keep track of what he spends, and insist on being part of major financial-decisions. Say no, and stand your ground. Allot amounts to be spent on frivolous purchases equal for you both. No matter who earns the most. If he drops dead, without insurance coverage over your debts; guess who gets left holding the bag? You'll discover expenses you never knew you had!
Women have to stop this lazy crap with surrendering all the hard-line financial tasks and legal paperwork to their husbands or mates. Be well-informed, and get your hands dirty. It's your money too!
Being ignorant of assets and how to run the household budget is exactly how stupid women get cheated in divorces. They don't know sh*t about the cash-flow in their own homes, or he gets all the responsibility and authority over where the money goes. He can even hide his assets and unauthorized spending from you.
Some wives have no idea of what their husbands earn!!!
You've got to grow a pair and stand-up for yourself. Stop acting as though you're one of the children, for him to boss around. You work, you contribute financially to the budget; and if you go over budget, tell the truth. He does have the right to know.
Let him cry, kick, scream, or whatever. You're his equal, his spouse, and can take half of everything; if you decide you've had enough of a lop-sided marriage. The concept of who wears the pants in the family, is an archaic practice from the 20th-century.
You've got to talk things out. Not just sit and listen to him lecture, intimidate, and throw guilt-trips on you.
It's all about his control over you, not just the finances.
That's how women get screwed financially in divorces. They don't have any control over the finances, take a subservient/submissive stance in their relationships; and can't see when they are being controlled and manipulated. Even worse, they want to be taken care off like children. Helpless and dependent!
No way, girlfriend!
Get the financial-planner to arbitrate and show you both how you ought to be spending; and how to regulate your cash-flow, and how to prepare for your financial future.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 BookNerd,
That is a heartbreaking story. It is a Story of a Controlling selfish partner and a fearful lying partner.
There is plenty of fault to spread around so let me re divide it and see if you think it sounds more correct.
He is guilty of not giving you access to funds and not getting your input on major financial decisions. He has committed himself to more than he can afford and has thus proved himself a poor money manager.
To avoid his anger and outbursts you have withheld the truth of your spending from him. Understand that the spending is not the problem. The problem is that you didn't keep him informed. The bigger problem is That you were afraid to talk to him about it and That is part of his share of the blame.
Now that We have played the blame game it's time to get constructive, and give you some advice that you can use as a couple to prevent this from happening in the future.
One Get some good Financial advice, a lot of people recommend the Ramsey method books. Talking to an accountant, estate planner, or just a good mentor would be helpful but you have to get together on this.
Two, set some common sense boundaries. Credit will not be used for movies, groceries, fuel, Vacations. These should be budgeted for or saved for. Don't buy more than you can afford. If you have to use credit use low interest rate credit 12% or less. If you keep a credit card pay it off every month.
Three go over the bills and budget together every month or at least every 3 months.
In your position, the first thing I would do (because I'm older and already made all the mistakes you are now making) would be to Sell the Motorcycle or the boat (whichever will return enough money) and pay off the credit card.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): Its bizzarre!
How can you feel ashamed about taking the kids to the movies?
What kind of crazy life are you living?
Stop paying your money into his account.
Its giving him a false idea of how much he has.
It sounds like he is getting very gravilicious to me.
Besides which if you put your money into your account then you can get a credit card in your own name.
He is probably a gambler.
Tears come easy when big wins that cost money dont appear.
Or was he crying over the prospect of the children going without.
Sounds like he needs gambling addiction therapy ,not you!
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 I must apologize that I cannot have any sympathy for your situation. Credit is a bad thing to abuse. The real abuse seems to me though is what you did to his credit. Even though the card may have been under both names his credit is affected by your bad behavior. I think you are subconsciously trying to hurt him for some thing or another. It sounds like petty jealousy to me.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (19 January 2017):
I am confused by your angst over the credit card. What does the bill amount to? The first order of the day must be to clear the debt because the interest is horrendous. Perhaps he should sell a toy - or two - to clear it, as it was for used for family matters and not for your personal satisfaction.
In future you need to be on the same page about expenses - what's coming in, and what's going out.
You both have to live within your means. Paying credit card interest is for mugs.
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A
female
reader, BookNerd +, writes (19 January 2017):
BookNerd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was paying for things he asked me to pay for. But i couldnt afford on my small left over budget.
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A
female
reader, BookNerd +, writes (19 January 2017):
BookNerd is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel that i wasn't clear either. The credit card gets paid every week. It didn't have much money on there because he wanted to go on a huge holiday. Which we also used our savings for.I gave in because he told the kids about it before me.The plan was that after the holiday we would go back to paying every thing 50/50. I have been to anxious to bring it up. When he got the brand new car i had said that he would have to pay for it out of his own money. Because it was something he "wanted". Id maxed out the card using it for things like fuel, school fees, out of school care fees etc. I wont lie. I took the kids to the movies twice. I feel quite ashamed about it. Id never speak to my family about it
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (19 January 2017):
There seems a lot of inequality in you financial arrangement with your spouse. I think it is time to sit down together and redraw the rules about what you pay in and to where; what you are allowed to keep for personal expenses; what you put aside for holidays and treats like entertainment etc; what you pay in for pension funds, health care or whatever; and of course services like gas electricity.
It appears your husband has bought himself a lot of expensive toys (are they on credit?). Tell us, on what did you max out your credit card?
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