A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Folks,First off, let me say hi as I am new here!Please excuse this long message but I need to try to explain my feelings and also explain some of what has been said.My problem is with retroactive jealousy over my girlfriends past.About my girlfriend. She has been into kink for most of her life, i.e. all of her sex life.When we had been dating for about a month, I asked if I could say to my friends that she was my girlfriend. She laughed and said it had been a long time since anyone called her 'girlfriend'. I didn't quite understand what she was getting at and she said that she was a submissive and had been for the last 2 relationships which had lasted 15 years.Now up until the time I met her, I hadn't had much experience in this field of Kink. I have done some things online and unbeknown to me, in real life to a degree I suppose.I started to read up about it and she advised me to read a book, that her friend had written, in which she featured!When I read the book, I was quite shocked at what I read. It was really quite torrid to my obviously naive mind, lol.To be honest, I didn't like what I read, I probably was quite judgemental. I still couldn't read that book again because it pains me to hear about what kind of stuff she has done with someone else. Especially perhaps because I haven't had much experience and feel like a complete idiot out of my depth!I should at the same time arousing, but when you have already developed feelings for someone, disturbing.Since then, we have tried to have some kink sessions because I was trying to give her some of what she likes and they have gone OK, not always amazingly, lol.She never communicates with me though, never tells me what she wants, never tells me what she enjoyed.In her mind, she wants it to be spontaneous and unexpected. If we plan it then it's not spontaneous to her :/. Her ex partner was it seems quite a remarkable man. A soldier, a doctor, climbed Everest and a whole host of other things.I pointed out to her that submissives are only submissive to guys who they feel are out of their league and they become submissive in order to keep the guy with them.She said that she wasn't like that but I pointed out that the only two partners that she had were a Prof when she was an undergrad and a wealthy Army doctor who had a list of achievements.She didn't say anything.To be honest, and I know that I will sound judgemental and not very nice but I have to tell you what I am thinking right?The truth is I don't like it because to me it's shallow. She went for someone way above her in the pecking order and she was prepared to be the depraved, most compliant girl you could imagine in order to try to keep the last guys.That being said, I have to give her credit for the fact that she has been honest with me despite the fact that it might have been better if I hadn't heard what she told me, lol. I suspect however the reason she told me all this hoping that I might be 'into it'.The fact that she told me she was a submissive would imply that she still has those desires. She was also still on a kink website looking for a Dom/play partner, despite that the last guy got married and had a family during the time he was with her! I sort of find it hard to believe that she would go looking for another dom after the last two guys had completely destroyed her. She was so depressed after the last guy that she had to take antidepressants!Why would she go and look for another dom given everything that had happened?Didn't she realise that d/s doesn't work most of the time?IMO, I think that dom/sub relationships should be just for fun. As soon as you start to develop feelings for someone, which is inevitable, you're in trouble!I should point out that I met my girlfriend on a vanilla dating site which she also had an account on.Anyway, now that I've told you something about the story re her past, I should tell you where we are.We do have an amazing relationship most of the time. I mean, we are like two peas in a pod, always holding hands, hugging and yes, we have a good sex life with some kink thrown in sometimes.Why I am feeling insecure sometimes?Well it's when she talks about her ex or about previous kink stuff. For example, we were watching a film about Everest and she proceeded to tell me that her ex climbed Everest.Well, that set me off, thinking about how amazing her ex was, an amazing soldier, doctor, climber, photographer etc. It made me feel insecure and reminded me that she's not that submissive with me. I felt hurt and that hurt slowly turned to anger.Then I started to talk about doms and subs, saying subs mainly go for guys way above them. She said 'some do but not me'. I said, 'well you did, look at the last two guys you were with!'. She went quiet.I also said that submissives are only submissive to guys they feel are way above them and not so much with guys who they feel equal to.When I said that, I was eluding to the fact that a couple of months back, she had told me that she thought we were quite an even match.I was really angry and hurt inside, I couldn't help it.I know that I shouldn't let the past interfere in the present but I fear that this d/s thing is so ingrained in her that if she met someone way above her again, she wouldn't be able to resist it.I know the kind of guys she goes for, rugby players, good looking movie stars, alpha males. Rough tough guys who would give her a hard time, be dominant.I can be dominant with her but I feel that I need some sort of consent before it happens. I've been brought up a certain way and just going and doing what I want and taking what I want sort of goes against what I know.She is so vague about what she wants, needs and when she wants/needs it that I don't feel comfortable dishing it out.Anyway, apologies for this massively long message but I felt that I had to give some background and also get it off my chestThanks folks
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depressed, her ex, her past, insecure, jealous, player, sex life Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell clearly, some of you were wrong, lol.
We're still together and very happy!
I think the kink thing that she was into at one time was just a phase, experimental. But she's done all that now & doesn't seem so bothered about it these days.
She's got someone who doesn't go wandering, who isn't afraid to commit to her & sees a guy who wants to spend the rest of his life with her. We've got a lovely house recently & busy renovating that.
I can tell that she loves me, it's in her eyes when she looks at me... and I love her too.
A happy ending, or at least thus far lol!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017): Now read that last post and stick with the thought.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would disagree with the comment about her being out of my league.
She is very attracted to me. I am quite confident in the way I look & in what I have achieved. I have expressed my concerns & She seems to understand them. In terms of looks, without trying to appear conceited, some might argue that she was aiming high with me. In fact, She said as much herself. She didn't think that she would see me again after we met.
Yes, She went for dom's in the past, doesn't every girl? Nearly all girls go for bad/selfish men when they're younger. There's nothing particularly unique about that.
Most girls eventually grow out of that & settle for a comfortable, safe relationship with someone they're attracted to. Ok, it might not be an obsessive love, more a real caring compassionate love, not the shallow one!
We have our excitement, I'm not a boring lover, I enjoy experimenting, trying new things. I'm not afraid to be rough with her, flog her so hard it brings tears to her eyes. I hug her after, always.
Anyway, I was hoping for constructive comments. I don't believe in throwing away relationships on a whim & am commited to making it work & so is she.
Like I said, I just don't like hearing about her past, for someone relatively new to the world of kink, it's bound to making one feel a bit insecure, but everyone has to start somewhere. Better we go into it as a couple & push the boundaries. She's more scared of getting hurt that I am which might explain her reluctance to do certain things, for fear of being used.
Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017): I still believe you've picked someone way out of your league and you can't admit it to yourself. You're never really going to be completely comfortable with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, after calming down some, I can give you a more balanced response.True, I don't like knowing about her past. She was younger back then and lacked confidence, was and still is insecure about how she looks.She was bullied in school, made to feel different, a freak. I don't think she had confidence and definitely had/has low self esteem.She puts up a good front but she is still a little girl inside, still insecure.She got hurt badly by the last two guys. In our last argument, she said she was scared of being hurt again. In fact, she's admitted she's reluctant to give too much of herself away for fear of losing herself again.I understand all of the above paragraph. What I don't need to hear though is about her past partners and how she would let them do anything. She let them do anything but only because she wanted to keep them. She told me there was many a time when her ex went too far, but she was too stubborn to give in, pig headed I suppose. He even beat her so much once, in an argument, He had to give her stitches!She didn't walk away because she had invested a lot of herself in the relationship and didn't want to start again. He was also telling her lies, saying 'we will get married when this and that are sorted', stringing her along, all the while he got married to someone else and had kids!I am serious about having a relationship with her, we get on great 99.5% of the time. We both love each other and tell each other all the time. I guess that's why it hurt so much to hear about her ex and sordid past. She always talks about the future and what we can do, where we can go together.Perhaps she's had her fun and now wants something she never had, a loving relationship with some kink thrown in.I am fine with all of this, in fact it's great. I just don't want to hear about her ex's and I've told her as much!
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 I honestly cannot see this relationship working long term. You are both very different people and want very different things. It does not sound to me like she is over being the submissive. That is just going to cause problems in a relationship because she wants someone to control her, to take what they want from her, to punish her, just because she has gotten used to this. Maybe it is how she wants to be or maybe she has low confidence. Either way you really need to make sure if this will work for you. It sounds like it is not working. You don't seem to trust she won't have wandering eyes, which is not good in a relationship!
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (19 January 2017):
 Clearly you do not understand what being a 'sub' means. Let me explain. Subs will not tell you what they want, part of being a sub is that they identify with masochism. Very sexual sub females (or males) derive almost ALL of their pleasure from PLEASING! Thats why they seek DOM partners who are selfish. Sub lovers will want to do what their Dom lovers wants and will obey at all cost (unless boundaries are set beforehand). She is most lying there waiting for you to take control, demand, and be selfish. Part of her pleasure is derived from being ordered around. Her role is not to vocalize what she wants because the DOM is the vocal, demanding one. Her pleasure is from his satisfaction It sounds like her kink is extreme and your hesitancy is telling you something. I dont think she is the woman for you and I think you should trust your gut. Dont go on to voice your frustrations over her lack of communication in bed! She already told you shes into kink and shes a sub, thats all you need to know. A DOM male would be more than willing to take control and make demands. Thats not who you are. Let her go and find a more suitable woman/lover. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): Is this a real relationship; or are you just sex-buddies?
You are in over your head, but jealousy keeps you holding on to some hot-mess of a woman way out of your league, and completely sexually incompatible.
Your relationship, as you describe it, is centered completely around sex; so the emotional aspects of a real relationship don't seem to apply.
Your problem is a feeling of inadequacy and a conflict of values, not to exclude your male-ego, and you're trying to fit a square peg into a circular slot. It will not fit, and you know it. You don't want to admit to yourself she's just too much. Let me tell you, she's too much for most men!
Your possessive nature is tearing you apart. You feel she is your property, and you don't want to give it up; but you can't stand her at the same time. You've introduced her too your friends and you don't want anyone to think you're not man enough to handle her. You're not kinky enough to handle her. Just because you can blow a whistle, doesn't mean you can play a trumpet. It's a matter of extremes.
My advice? Suffer or give her up. She's more than you can handle. That's the facts.
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