A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have not been totally honest with my fiance... i did not want him to think i was a slut so i lied to him about how many people i have slept with and the kinds of things i have done. i had very low self esteem and emotionally abusive parents so i sought love from men from the time i was 14 which in the end only caused me to get worse, however now with help from my fiance i am through all that.I have told him that i have slept with 17 men when in fact its around 35 and I also have not told him about the fact that I did a gangbang and a few threesomes and was also bi sexual with my best friend... i used to watch men with large dicks on webcam and go nude for them and when i got drunk i would sometimes find myself in my underwear... i told him i despise dildos but only because i used to use a 10inch one to masturbate with and the thought now makes me feel dirty and cheapobviously i am really disgusted by what i did and i dont even like admitting to myself that i did these things. now that we are engaged however i feel that i should be completely honest about my past even if it has no bearing on my future as i have left it behind with the help of therapy and my wonderful fiance. should i tell him everything about my sexual history?
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male
reader, yesno  +, writes (7 April 2011):
The past is super important and your man needs to know who he is engaged to. You do not simply cut off the past. It informs who you are. It sounds like you are emotionally troubled. He should know that.
I'm glad it's working out for you. DON'T LIE.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): Glad it worked out for you. Honesty is always best, and this will only strengthen your love. I agree with the poster who saud things like this can ferment in a LTR. If not with him, with you. Good to have it out in the open for resolution.
The funny thing is, I dont think most guys think of this behavior as "slutty". I would see it more as a question of whether I mean as much. I mean, if she's done unimaginable acts with many men, what makes me unique? It is a pride mind-fuck that many guys can't accept or deal with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): Glad it worked out for you. Honesty is always best, and this will only strengthen your love. I agree with the poster who saud things like this can ferment in a LTR. If not with him, with you. Good to have it out in the open for resolution.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2011): To bookworm303:
I don't think you appreciate the amount of damage it does when a man finds out this stuff from someone else. It is orders of magnitude worse than if you just told him yourself.
Men and women are not naturally programmed to react the same ways to finding out their partner deceived them about past sexual acts. Men have much more to lose biologically and that determines how we react emotionally.
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female
reader, bookworm.303  +, writes (31 March 2011):
I am in the same situation and I will never be telling my boyfriend, or indeed fiance/husband if I get that far. While I agree that if he might find out some other way he ought to hear it from you first, how likely is he to find out?You've moved on. If you find the memories disturbing, your fiance isn't going to find it much better. Leave the past where it is and concentrate on your future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know i am not completely through my issues and that is why i am still seeing a psychologist and my fiance knows everything about what happened to me as a child and has been very understanding and supportive and yesterday with consideration to your responses i decided to tell him as keeping it secret would kill me. He actually just smiled and hugged me when i told him and said that he knew why i had done all those things in my past and knowing my parents he didnt blame me at all and that nothing in my past matters to him as long as i am always faithful to him and that i dont let my sexual past bother me.thank you all for your answers i have found them very helpful :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): You have lied to him. That is a big problem.
Telling him now is a tough one. I think it depends on how he feels about sexual promiscuity. If your past would be a big deal to him then I think he deserves to know. It might be easier for you if he didn't hear it but he has the right to know who he is marrying. You might not think certain things about you should affect his decision but he has the right to feel however he feels.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): "i had very low self esteem and emotionally abusive parents so i sought love from men from the time i was 14 which in the end only caused me to get worse, however now with help from my fiance i am through all that"No, you are not through all that. You are only beginning to get there. I'm sorry, but the journey is long, but it doesn't have to be hard if the people you surround yourself with love and understand and you are honest and open with them.You have to be honest and open with the fiance or it will eat you up in later years. Forget the kinkiness BS, it isn't "kinky", that implies that it is "fun" and it really isn't "fun" in this context, it is more "lunacy" as one of my friends put it. That stuff is all par for the course for people who have been abused and neglected, and they go out looking for reaffirmation in all the wrong ways. They are all really just trying to survive.Get this book and read it. Make sure your fiance reads it as well. Get help from a professional counselor as well.YOU WILL NEED HELP OR THE MARRIAGE/RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT SURVIVE.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933Anonymous poster down below doesn't understand what happens to you when this stuff ferments for 5, 10, or 20 years in a marriage. Personal note, my wife was sexually abused, raped, molested, neglected emotionally and physically by her parents. She grew up, stuffed it all down, became a respected professional, we met, had kids, and all Hell came calling emotionally after that, because she would never do to her kids what was done to her and she had never told anyone. I didn't know. Her story, figuratively, as well as the stories of many other people, are in that book.If your parents were alcoholics or drug abusers, get help to understand that what happened to you is exactly what happens to EVERYONE whose parents are.I'm old enough that the deaths, suicides and drug and alcohol related ones have begun to pile up in those that I knew who went through this.Trust me, you don't want to push it all down, and then be the one that comes to your husband in 20 years and says "Hon, can you please take the guns out of the house, I think I'm going to kill myself. I need to tell you why."My wife has told me that she is not sure but she still might kill herself some day if the blackness comes up to fast to handle.Be a survivor, open up to the ones that you love, but do it with professional help. This is clearly bothering you, or you wouldn't have come here.Good Luck.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): All too often people think they need to spill their guts to their partner, and it only causes massive problems. Your past is yours, and yours alone. You have NO obligation to share details. If he starts probing, you can give general answers, but there's virtually NO WAY that he's ever going to be able to prove any details.
You need to get over the ill feelings, and work on building the best sexual relationship that you can with him. You learned something from every man (and woman) you had sex with. Use the knowledge to your advantage, not your determent. No need to spill your private secrets.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): What business is it of his who you slept with before you got together?Would you like to hear about every person he's ever fucked?I didn't think so.Unless there is a real medical reason for you to tell him (like one of the guys rings up and tells you he may have had an STD, which means you might have been at risk and so to then is your current man) then it's best to just let the past be the past.You haven't cheated on your fiance and have no current plans to so I see no need he needs to know about your sexual history in detail.Unless you feel the need to talk to him about it because of some guilt (which you have no reason to feel, you were well within your rights to sleep with any damned person you like when you're single).Just because you have slept with a few people, it doesn't make you any less deserving of love or any less capable of giving love. It merely makes you a better lover as you've had far more experience and experience leads to knowledge. And knowledge and experience in the bedroom is never a bad thing in a relationship.Flynn 24
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reader, Manitobesk  +, writes (29 March 2011):
I understand that you are torn between hiding this past and telling the truth, and it's really a good sign. That means that you are a honest person. It seems that you had a period when you were close to sex addiction, and your childhood explains it for a big part.If you are totally out of this behavior, then except for not feeling guilty about being dishonest, there is no need to say all... Except about what he might find out someday. I agree on this point with the previous answer.My wife lied to me about what she did at the beginning of our relationship, and I found out after we got married. I felt betrayed, we are still together, but even if it has been 5 years, we are still hurt, and I still have trust issues. So if there is any chance he finds out, you gotta tell him.For the rest, I'm surprising myself: I strongly believe that honesty is the base of a long term relationship. But... I think that if I were your guy, I could have a blockage after knowing the truth about the gangbang, 3some, huge dildo, etc. Nevertheless something that would kill me would be to have a wife saying that she is allll regular in bed, not doing anything specially kinky, not wanting to use sex toys, and to find out someday that she used to do 10 times worse than what she refuses to do with me. Selfish thought, I confess (you have your reasons, that you explained), but man common thought...So my post is confused, like my mind when seriously thinking about your question, I'm gonna try to conclude it clearly.Tell anything he might find out, stay silent about the rest. First, it is your past, that does not concern him directly.Try to be opened to the kinkiness you could share with him, in order to be fair to him, and to yourself... Even if what you did is disgusting you, the desire can still be present in you (difference between fantasy and acts). For example, the gangbang fantasy, even if usually untold, is fairly common for girls. The difference is that you did it, while other girls might just fantasized it silently. Nothing to feel guilty about having fantasies.But... You know your guy, do you think he is in the 5% of guys who could take it? If you think so, then telling everything would make you feel better... But I think that 95% of us couldn't take it, so if you pick this option, you gotta be very careful, and go crescendo.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): know don't tell him anything. do you think there is anyway he will find out. you did what you did we all have done things we are not proud off, and would like to forget. well you forget and move on be happy, this man wants you to be happy he loves you. if you tell him, he probably will still love you i'm sure of that, feelings don't change. but why beat yourself up inside,why beat him up inside. if there is anyway he will find this information out about you, than you tell him out of respect for the both of you, but if not then i would not tell him. you said you put the past behind you from going to counseling it don't sound like it to me. hey quit kicking yourself. do what you think is best, trust what you feel in your heart. how do you think your man will take it if you told him the truth. your a good person you want to be honest. but you are honest with yourself. it sounds as if you already know what your going to do. i hope it works out the way you want. good luck to you
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