A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My best friend and her boyfriend have been dating for the past 3 years. It is a really unhealthy relationship. He mentally abuses her and is very controlling and manipulative. The last year they have been through so much. Off and on. It has gotten so bad that she has lost weight and has broken out in rash from the stress. She does nothing but agonize over their relationship, but she just wont leave him. They have been off and on. During the times they were off i encouraged her to meet other people. She met one guy last summer and the wound up sleeping together. Well about a month or so later her and her boyfriend got back together. She continued to talk to the other guy as friends only for a little while after that but then they stopped. Then about a month ago they broke up again and she started talking to another guy but never did anything but really hang out with him. I have been trying to get her to leave her boyfriend for a while now, in her best interests. Because i see what he does to her and i love her and just dont want to see her hurt anymore. No matter what i say she wont leave him. So i took it upon myself to tell her boyfriend about these guys in the hopes that he would leave her instead. Well, it has blown up in my face. He confronted her and told her i told him. She asked me if i told him and i lied and said no because i had second thoughts about what i did. Instead of them breaking up, now we arent talking. I want to come clean, but i dont know what to say. How do i tell her i lied to her and in fact i did tell him about this stuff. I was only trying to help, but instead hurt her and our friendship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): The best way to do it is keep it short and sweet and own your mistake.
Danielpew is right. You crossed the line on this one. Everywhere she turns she's got someone trying to control her. She's got her boyfriend wearing her down on one side and you pushing her to break up with him on the other.
It is very difficult to sit by and watch someone you care about go through something like this and you need to protect yourself from the heartache. You can do that by telling your friend that if ever she wants help leaving him, you'll be there for her, but you can't listen to her complain about him any longer.
I have to be honest with you. If one of my friends did this to me, I'd see it as a serious betrayal from which the friendship probably wouldn't recover. I really hope this works out for you. Either way you're going to have to be honest. Your friend already suspects you and continuing to deny it will only make it worse. She'll think you were motivated by revenge instead of concern.
A
female
reader, found89 +, writes (28 June 2011):
I think u should come clean to your friend because she knows that u told him she's not crazy she was probley trying to see if u would be honest now she probley thinks your jealous u must be 100% honest if u want a chance of saving the friendship an if u want to help your friend make suggestings or continue to be encouraging even if his not the man for her she has to make a decision u can't make it for her in thats wat it seems u was tryna do I hope she forgives u cause any body could see u care good luck
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 I will assume you really want to help your friend, as opposed to just run her life. If this is the case, there is a hard lesson you should learn: you can't save people from themselves. It's very hard to accept that, and some people only do it after a long time, but that is the truth. You can take the horse to the water, but the horse won't drink unless he wants to. If your friend wants to stay in an abusive relationship, she will stay until she hits rock bottom. You can try to open her eyes, but that is all you can do.
You went too far.
On the other hand, one could also see your post under a different light. It appears that you have too much interest in controlling your friend's life. Let her make her own decisions. The person you find so awful may have a good side that this friend really appreciates. You can't split a couple. You certainly overstepped in telling the boyfriend about the cheating. Now face the consequences of it.
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