A
female
age
41-50,
*endy2012
writes:I am 35.I met my hubby 2009 through a friend. Immediately we fell in love. I have a good job. He works as shop cashier. I was abit uncomfortable and embarrassed with this, but later accepted him. He however intelligent, hardworking. He was sharing house with his brother the time we were dating and I was living in a home I had built. He wasn’t driving, so it was more convenient for me to visit him.As time went by, I discovered I was not feeling fulfilled in the relationship. He never made the effort to see me. In all the two yrs we dated, he would never come to my home unless I can pick him and drop him. If I make a plan where we need to meet each other half way, he wouldn’t turn up. He NEVER asked to see me. He rarely called me. I was always the one to ask to see him, and even when I did, he would say ‘’I will see’’ and leave it hanging, and I would have to call and remind him if at all he had created time for me. I lost confidence and become nervous. Each time I dialed his number I needed to take a deep breath cos I felt like I was disturbing him. He would always say he is busy for me. I would stammer when talking on the phone cos of being nervous. Being human, I missed being made love to. He would tell me,’’ when you want some love, let me kno….’’ And I had to more like beg him to sleep with me. He however had a way to make up for all this by acting sweet and all, so this made me hooked to him despite my misery. I felt trapped in sorrow love. I complained several times to him, he just ignored. Then, I fell pregnant….this was the beginning of the climax of the confusion am in right now. He was so mean, threatened me to abort. I refused. He was shouting at me for no apparent reason day in day out. In the midst of emotions, I went to doctor and had an abortion. I told him. He turned around and started shouting at me, calling ma a whore, a murderer and all that. I almost committed suicide. Besides this, I had deep guilt. I used to have nightmares about the baby I had killed. I couldn’t share with anyone. I started longing for a ‘’replacement baby’’. To deal with my emotions, I started drinking heavily and irresponsibly. I hooked up with a lady friend who could see I was having issue with my man, and started going out almost every weekend. This lady had this guyfriend quite low class. So she introduced me. I didn’t really like him as he looked ill-mannered. So, he would accompany us to night club and we drink up to early hours. One night, after a drink, i got so drunk, and went to his place (his uncle was not there). He had a crush on me, and in my drunkenness, we ended up having sex. My view of him slightly changed. It became a habit each weekend as I was enjoying the sex too and feeling sexually appreciated. I told him I was seeing someone and we couldn’t have a serious thing. I later learnt he was a blood donor, so I asked him about his HIV status. He was ok. we went for test together too. During this period, I was still grieving my lost baby and wanted a replacement baby. I also thought I may never be able to conceive. I saw this sex buddy as ‘’ a health risk free opportunity to replace my baby’’. by this time I didn’t care much about my man. I never cared even if he found out. He never got to find out cos he had no interest in my life. If I don’t call to make weekend plans, he wouldn’t, so I had all the space to drink and be with the other guy. I didn’t care if the relationship ended or continued. My man started drawing closer when he realised I had somehow detached myself from him. He started arranging to pay dowry and marry me. It wasn’t exciting at all for me. i continued being with the other guy. After he paid dowry. I told the sex buddy and cut ties with him. He accepted it. then I discovered I was pregnant. I was so sure it wasn’t my fiancé’s, but my sex buddy’s. I lied to my fiancé it was his. We wedded and I had the baby. my sex buddy learnt of it, and both him and I knew it was his baby. he asked me and I denied, totally!. My conscious with hubby was not clear. My sex buddy started making threats that if I do not accept and allow him to be secretly seeing the baby, he would blow it up. I maintained that he could do whatever he wanted as it was not his baby. the sex buddy is irresponsible, drinks, takes drugs and smokes weed too much, has nothing to his name and would have nothing to offer the baby. I thought the baby was better off in a stable home, and if it comes up in open, where I accept that its his baby, the baby would suffer rejection by my husband, his family and she would have no peace in the home. I was forced to confess to hubby as things were getting out of hand. I told him that there was 99% chance that it was the other guys baby. Hubby was depressed, lost 20kg within 6 weeks. He loved this baby to nuts and it felt worse than losing baby through death. He couldn’t share with his relatives cos he knew they would oughtrighly ask him to divorce me. but he was commited to the marriage and did not want to divorce despite this. I tried to explain to him how I got myself into that mess. I reminded him of his treatment and all he did. This somehow made him see that i was going through a lot, and had become vulnerable. . Somehow, we managed to get over things to a small degree. He told me, he needed to have a baby to help ease the pain. In the meantime, the sex budy was making noise demanding for his baby. I told him to take me to court so that they order a DNA test to prove that its not his baby. he did not. I took him to court myself, told the court he was bothering me, claiming baby which was not his and refusing to do DNA. I knew he couldn’t demand for DNA cos he cant afford it. And he also knows that if he pushes the court for DNA, he would be in trouble with me if it turned out negative, and he would be in trouble with child maintenance if it turned out positive, so he didnt want that as he cannot afford. I didn’t complete the court hearing though. I dropped it midway and the sex budy is quiet. I don’t want him to have anything to do with the baby as he will just complicate her life, especially now that shez still small. I have maintained to him that its not his baby. he has no home to take her. He squats here and there with fellow drunkards, smoking weed and taking drugs. i saw him at a distance a few months ago, he has pierced his ears, and has alot of strange tattoos on his hands(in our culture only irresponsible men do this). He looked dirty and disorganized. i just couldn’t believe how i was so silly to have baby with him. i don’t want him to have anything to do with her now, maybe later when shz grown and independent cos he will mess up our lives. He also has no relatives who would take in the baby, so the baby would just suffer if I allowed her to go into his hands.i dont want his association as it will dipress me and mess up my life, my career,(am a lawyer) my family and all that. hz the type who would really want to misbehave in public, and associate himself with me to show everyone that i was silly enuf to sleep with somebody of that calibre. he also has bad language and can really insult. you know those big insults. Now, in this whole confusion, hubby started cheating with his best friends ex. The girl insulted me, sending me texts. He then said he would stop, and am not sure if he did, but later the girl resurfaced. Hubby again started his abusive behaviour. He verbally abused me. Calls me a whore, chases my dota and dependents and all. He is also cold and I can’t trust him. Its been a year now. I told him if he cant forgive me, its better he leaves me cos I cant have such a life. I cant depend on him for anything. He has a lot of girls he flirts with, comes home late, (does not drink). I cant talk to him about my good times or bad times.Then, three months ago, I fell pregnant. He was just excited for a week. His behavior changed abit. He started treating my baby nicely and would even pamper her. With me, however, it’s a cold hot treatment. I don’t trust him anymore. I cant confide in him. I cant celebrate with him, I cant cry on his shoulder. I miss being treated like a baby, being pampered, being told nice things. I feel lonely and just need someone to talk to. Is there hope for our marriage? Am just in a confused state. Is this a kind of mess I could come out of? If so how? I don’t trust decisions I make cos I feel am always making mistakes and feel am a worthless person. I wish someone could run my life. Please help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2013): No offense honey, but you said that you are a lawyer and you are very much aware of what you can do and what you can't. You explained so eloquently how you manipulated you first baby daddy out of seeking custody to save your marriage and save face, so you can't expect me to believe that you're confused about what to do. You know exactly what you can can't do I believe you're embarrassed about past behaviors and the state of your marriage to a man that showed you how he was a long time ago. I can really understand that because who wants to go through a divorce. Unfortunately, you are going to have to make some decisions that you don't want to make because it's not about you anymore. You have one child and one on the way. The last thing you want is dysfunction. You're children deserves stability. What you already know to do is start putting things into order so that you and you're children can live a healthy and stable home. Irregardless of the fathers of your children, you picked them and you're children deserves to know who they are. You are aware of supervised visitation so that they can have some type of relationship with them. Now is the time to start doing that. Best of luck to you.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 April 2013):
 you "fell pregnant"? Never heard it put that way before, it's like saying oh, I caught a cold. Girl, there is no hope that this mess will ever be cleaned up. Whatever you do it needs to be something that is best for the kids. You two are not going to be voted best married couple on the block so get over that fantasy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (21 April 2013):
 There is no hope for the marriage but there is hope for you and your children's lives. The only reason he married you was for convenience, and so that you wouldn't go out with other men. There was no love. It is not something worth holding on to. Since you earn more than him, have a car, you will get a bigger portion of custody. What's done is done. If you can just stop making mistakes to cover past mistakes, and just live your life the best you can, day by day, then that's success already. You have a great career to back you up when a lot of single mothers don't have that luxury of having a lawyer career. There is one kind love that is irreplaceable, and that is self love. If you focus your energies on pampering your children, and not see them as obstacles in life, it is pampering to your soul. There are/will be the only ones here who deserve your love and will love you back unconditionally. Men who marry for selfish reasons find themselves trapped and get angry. Take him out of this misery. He will miss easy access to his children, a car, and shared money but at least you won't suffer his abuse anymore.
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