A
male
age
,
*ornwalla
writes:I just need a reality check here, to make sure I'm not being an idiot. A year ago I started an affair with a woman. We were both married at the time. Shortly after we met, my wife and I decided to separate, and I kept seeing this other woman. She was not looking to end her marriage, and I knew that--and at first I was upset because now that I was free. I loved her and she loved me, but we weren't at the same point. We're both in our 40s.We split up briefly over this issue, but about a week later we got back together. I resolved that I wouldn't push her on future plans, and not even worry about it, I would just enjoy her company and enjoy spending time with her even though it wasn't a "real" relationship. She alluded to not being happy in her marriage but never really talked seriously about ending it. They had a good platonic relationship, so that was keeping her there. By the beginning of this year I realized that I just couldn't do this anymore. I loved her madly and wanted so much to be in a serious relationship with her, but she had unfinished business with her husband, and our timing just wasn't right. So I ended it with her, and I told her that I needed to move on to find a woman who was completely available. She was very upset but she understood. About 2 weeks ago she sent me a very sweet letter, she said she just wanted to write to tell me all the things she wished she had said more of when we were together. It was a very beautiful romantic letter. She said that she really had been thinking seriously about leaving her husband for me, but that she really did have unfinished business with her husband and she owed him at least that much. She also said that the other thing that was keeping her from leaving her husband for me was that if she and I didn't work out, she'd be all alone and she didn't want to take the risk of being alone and probably not finding someone else for a while (we're in NYC, not an easy place to meet people). That ticked me off because how does she think *I* feel, being alone and having to look for someone? She also said she kind of felt like how Francesca felt in Bridges of Madison County, and I kind of get that. She asked me not to write back because she didn't want me to say something like, "Hey, thanks, we had a good time, you'll be a pleasant memory, good luck to you." So I didn't reply.2 days later she writes again and says she's been thinking more and more, and has been talking to people she really trusts and discussing how she shouldn't have "what if's" hanging over her head, and that life was short. And she asked me "if I were to get separated/end my marriage, would you still want to be involved with me? This is not a hypothetical question."I didn't really know what to say. As much as I loved her and would want to be with her, and wanted to say YES, I didn't want to get sucked into this again, risking getting back with her and having her change her mind again, or drag her feet in leaving. It was too painful the first 2 times. So I just told her I was seeing someone else seriously, and wished her well. (Which I'm not--I made it up to make my situation sound better.)By the way I realize this makes it sound like she's a drama queen or kind of unstable--she isn't, she's one of the sanest, nicest, least manipulative people I've ever met. And I've met a lot of crazy women.Now my question is, did I do the right thing, or did I shoot myself in the foot by shutting out the opportunity to be with her by lying to her and telling her I was seriously involved with someone, and basically rejecting her?Thank you all in advance for your thoughts.
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male
reader, gregory6  +, writes (28 July 2010):
This woman is manipulating you. You did the right thing and separated from your wife. She is not doing the right thing because she appears to be saying she won't risk being alone and is hedging her bets, making it your responsibility whether she leaves her husband.
She is clearly implying that she would only leave him if you were still available, and that is not fair on you. You are not obliged to pledge anything and she should have the courage of her own convictions.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (20 July 2010):
 I will honestly tell you if she left or split up with you before, and then you broke it off. The answer is she's just not available except for the two of you to enjoy a mutual, user-usee relationship.
Frankly, if she really loved you, she would find ways to be with you. From what I've read, you've left your marriage and are on your own. Now she's worried she might be in the same spot you're in.
No. She's not manipulative or controlling in the classic sense of the word. She's being selfish though, and that's apparent from what she wrote you.
All in all you did the right thing. If she doesn't know her own heart, she will stay in her marriage, use you, hurt you and abandon you.
Find a good woman to be with, love her, let her love you. But this one, unless she's willing to sacrifice for you -- she's selfish.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): I'd say you did the right thing. She didn't care when you were left hanging, now that she MIGHT be left hanging you're supposed to bend over backwards to appease her until she makes up her mind? NOPE
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 July 2010):
 I was just starting to think she was being manipulative when she said she was afraid being alone. She's not manipulative as in controlling, psycho but she needs to do what she has to do in a critical moment being losing you. You did the right thing. If she's the sanest, nicest person than many men would love to be with her. You already told her you were with somebody else, let it be and don't change your story.
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