A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started dating JR 2 months ago we've known each other for 14 years. It might have been quick but I KNOW he's the one. There was much more than just chemistry and passion. It was something that cannot be explained. I don't have the time or space to tell everything we had. When I met JR I was currently dating G, we had been having problems for months and I was VERY unhappy. The last month of our relationship I cheated on him with another friend of ours, JM. We didn't have sex but had several "make out sessions". JR knew about it. I started having feelings for JR and told him, at which point I broke it off with JM and within a few weeks broke up with G. JR knew I had a boyfriend when I met up with him and even though I told him repeatedly that I did not sleep with JM he refused to believe me and felt that I would end up cheating on him too eventually. That was something he never let go. I had NEVER cheated before that incident. Throughout the 2 months we dated things came up here and there that I wasn't honest or entirely specific about and things I omitted. These things were pertaining to past relationships, things I felt he didn't need to know because they didn't have anything to do with US, they didn't in anyway effect our relationship. I dated several men through the years and most became my friend after our breakups so I refured to them as such. And if I didn't immediately come out and say, I dated this guy, he would get angry and say that I was keeping things from him and lying to him. And that he shouldn't have to ask that I should just give up the information. And he felt that when he did have to ask that it was suspisious and there must have been more to it. Several incidences like this occurred over the past 2 months and each time it got worse. And I tried to tell him everything but sometimes I honestly didn't think of telling him certain things, or forgot certain details. I wasn't purposly hiding things from him but he insisted I was. Now he has broken up with me saying that all he needs is honesty and I can't give that so he has to move on. I am so heart broken, I want to die! I love this man more than anything. I don't put a time limit on love, I know this is real, he loves me, he's told me and he says this is hard on him to. I want him back! I've told him over and over again, I'll be honest, I've never lied to him about anything that directly effected us and our future, it was stupid stuff that didn't even matter. And I don't consider them all lies! That just makes him not trust me even more. I've told him this several times, but something new always ended up happening and it led to our ultimate demise. How can I prove to him anymore than I have tried already that I AM and CAN be trustworthy? What do I do? What can I say? I can't go on without him, I've never hurt so much, I can't even function. Do I give it time? Do I stay in contact? He says he still cares for me, that he's still "here for me" just not in the same way. Someone please help me out here. I don't have anybody to talk to or ask for advice. I need him in my life, I see a real future with this person. Marriage, kids, a life together! I need some help please!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous reader, thank you! I appreciate your response. It's comforting, to know someone feels the same as I. But in response to what you said. You ARE worthy, You ARE NOT a bad person, I'm sure you know that. Don't let these lies go any longer. It will tear you apart, I know. Thank you so much for your response and I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 I also believe he is somewhat jealous. If you tell him the truth it will bother him. If you don't tell him the truth it will bother him. You should not have to pay the price for crimes you didn't commit. He either accepts you as you are or he doesn't. If you started telling lies, it's easy to see why he questions you. The problem is the lies were only to stop him from pestering you because of his jealousy. Because he is jealous, your lies only confirmed to him, that he was correct.
As for previous boyfriends, that is none of his business. On the other hand, if you're still in contact with these guys and trying to pass them of as "buddies", he deserves to know the truth. I would want to know if my wifes friend is just someone she knows or someone she's slept with. That changes the dynamics for me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008): I have lied to my boyfriend and I know the things I have not told him will come out soon although nothing is malicious the trust will be broken. I'm dreading it and wish I'd had the courage to be up front from the outset easier said than done though. One thing I would say is that for me not telling him stuff and blocking him out, for me, was because it made me appear better to him than I felt about myself and so sometimes not telling the truth is out of a lack of self esteem or self worth - in other words we don't feel the truth will be good enough for other people. I have found this to be the case and I also sometimes don't feel like I have had the right to do the things I've chosen to do - feeling guilty etc. Just wanted to help by saying you have had your reasons and any man worth it or who cares deeply for your future will see beyond it and will try to understand 'why'.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (6 July 2008):
 Hi there,
I am sorry you are feeling such angst and going through this. I too when I was younger had a number of boyfriends and didn't feel it necessary to tell the current one I was going out with, 'everything'. I also thought it bore no relation to our relationship as it happened before him. I chose to kept things to myself normally because I felt they weren't important and didn't think of them or to spare his feelings. From experience there is no way you can win on this one. You either tell them everything and they think of you as a bit of a slapper - ( I don't mean you I am just talking generally) or you omit certain details and then you are holding back and have something to hide. From what you say this chap seems the jealous type or slightly controlling and likes to think he knows all about you. You have done nothing wrong here as we have all had a life before the person we have met and whether you choose to share the intimate details or not is up to you. If he has known you for 14 years he pretty much knows about you as a person anyway. My ex husband used to say he knew nothing about my past. This wasn't because I was hiding anything from him but I could think of nothing to say that would be of interest to him, this was deemed as 'hiding' something. I know how easy it is to lie about little things which to you won't matter at all but sometimes they can see it as a big deal. Sometmes these lies spiral out of control and then you lie more to cover up the first lie. This is hard to break. I used to lie bout hving more money than I had because I wanted to pay for things to be nice to him and when he found out I had nothing then he flipped. He couldn't see that I had done it to be nice and provide fun for us both. Reading your post I don't see that you have been malicious in any way and probably what has happened is that 2 or more little lies have come to light which have annoyed him and now he because he is angry has decided to go through all your conversations looking for things he wasn't sure about so he can justify to himelf that you were not honest.
My advice would be to let things lie for a couple of weeks. You have already told him you are sorry. Let him digest this and put a bit of time between you. I think he has behaved slightly irrationally because he is angry and this feeling takes a while to subside sometimes weeks or even months. If you do speak to him because you can't bear it tell him that you are sorry, that you only lied to spare his feelings because you care so much for him and you had no malicious intent. Do not go on and on about how sorry you are as this turns from being sorry to looking desperate. Leve a silence in the conversation i you have too. If he loves you he will forgive you. I feel the only cure is time. You have said your piece. Make sure though if he talks to you or comes back that everything you do or say is squeaky clean and lie free so he can't point the finger again.
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