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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi. I have done something incredibly stupid. I lied to my boyfriend. He might be leaving or at least sleeping in there. A few weeks ago when I went home to visit friends and my parents, I went to a party. Knowing how uneasy it makes him about my drinking without him, I told him I would not go. He just found out a few days ago that I went. He has legit reason to not trust me with alcohol. I went on a bar crawl last winter and made a fool out of myself. I lied to him because I rarely get to go home to see my friends. So how do I get his trust back? I honestly didn't think I would get caught. He's not sure now if I have cheated on him, which I haven't. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, nutella  +, writes (1 December 2005):
I am not convinced that you have done something terrible here. OK, on the surface of it, I agree that it's wrong to lie. But did you tell him you wouldn't go just because of his pressure not to, even if it was implicit? If so, that's controlling behaviour, and that's hard to deal with. Do you think you're untrustworthy when you drink? You say that he has legit reasons not to trust you with alcohol, that you 'made a fool of yourself' once on a bar crawl - what does this mean? If it means that you just got drunk and acted stupid - then that is hardly crime of the century. This is YOUR life - and even if it was as bad as cheating on him, then even that doesn't give him the right to control you, if he decided to stay with you then that was his choice. If you lied to him about this, I'm wondering whether you felt you had no choice than to do so, just to keep the peace. Is your boyfriend often trying to get you to think that you are in some way a bad person? No one has the right to do that. Is he very insecure and jealous, or does he make your life hell if you don't go along with his wishes? If any of this stuff happens, then do NOT cut yourself off from your friends, do NOT let him make you think that one mistake in the past gives him the right to control you. If he tries to control you even further now, be very careful. If he uses things like this for months after they happen and uses them as justification to get you to change who you are, or what you want to do with your life, or become abusive towards you (even in a passive-aggressive way) do NOT let him batter your self-confidence into the ground. This does not make you a terrible person, nobody is perfect.Take care.
A
male
reader, Monk +, writes (1 December 2005):
Okay, so you've admitted to being a lush. And maybe he's a control freak. Dump him.
The bigger question is who told on you. Figure out the mouth and get Pakistani on him or her.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (1 December 2005):
I'm sorry to say but you broke his trust and you did that and it was your choice. How can you justify drinking when it makes your partner feel hurt by 'I rarley get to go home and see my friends and family', so? That doesn't mean you had to drink. Not only did you do somethign that he disagrees with, it seems like you promised you wouldn't so you broke the trust.How do you get it back?You have to EARN it back. You don't just get it back, you earn it by doing the right thing. He might not trust you for a while but thats what you get for breaking it, and not only you, he will ALSO suffer because its prety hard to be in a relationship where you don't trust someone.I think the answer here is simply clear, don't drink again. If you get the urge or are thinking about it, talk to him. Sure he might not give in and agree but talking about problems with someone who you are meant to love, trust and care for helps. Yes and like Bev Conollv said by you saying 'I honestly didnt think i would get caught' shows me that you dont desever his trust. YOu dont show any regret, any guilt or any sign that you are hurting your partner. Do you have any idea what its like to live with someone who drinks and drinks and ruins someones life apart from it? I think if you really keep going back to the booze you should get into maybe rehab, a alcholics support group or counselling. If you can't fix this problem then don't bring it down on someone else and hurt them as well. I was going to give you steps to earn his trust back but I would hate to see someone who isnt truly sorry that they hurt someone not that they 'didnt get caught' pull there innocent bf back in and SET UP to be HURT AGAIN. thats just no on. I think you need a break from him, or possible break up to sort out your own issues, because what your doing, no1 deserves to be put through. Lying and decieving is just not on.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly +, writes (1 December 2005):
 You admit that you already have a history of bad choices going along with alcohol consumption, so it's not surprising he didn't want you to go to this party. Then you went anyway. Then you lied about it.
You keep heaping mistake upon mistake upon poor judgement... and then wonder why he thinks you might have cheated on your relationship? He doesn't trust you because you've shown him at least twice that he *can't* trust you.
What's missing from your letter (and presumably in your case to your boyfriend) is any admission of guilt or regret for your lying. That's your first step.
"I honestly didn't think I would get caught" isn't exactly in the same league as "I made a bad choice because I thought you wouldn't approve. Then I lied and now I'm really sorry". Do you see? Your boyfriend could be forgiven for thinking that you're actually saying "Well, yes, I did sleep with someone else... but I honestly didn't think I'd get caught!"
That's hardly the same as being sorry you did it!
What you seem to want is to get away with your deception AND have your boyfriend trust you anyway. That just makes him a fool and you a liar.
You need to back up a bit with this and not assume that you can now say to him "trust me" and have him believe you. You've already demonstrated that you're capable of lying, so naturally he wonders what else you're lying about.
Your next step is to show him by your actions that you won't abuse his trust again. If you really value your relationship with him, you need to stop sneaking around and doing things that you know he wouldn't approve of. (Conversely, if you don't care what he thinks, you should break up with him and let him find a girl who values the same things he does.)
If you want him to trust you again, you're going to have to work at it, in a lot of small steps. It's going to take a lot of time to prove yourself.
And you might have to accept that you've really blown it and that he won't ever trust you again, end of story.
Make a point of being really honest with him and show him by ACTIONS that you're still trustworthy. If you say you're going to meet him at a certain time, be there on time. If you say you're not going to a party without him, don't go. If you say you're paying for the evening, remember your handbag. Be as good as your word. Don't backslide and start lying again. Keep at it and be patient.
Anything less and you might as well wave goodbye to your boyfriend now.
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