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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Help me please, I'm feeling awful here...!I had a great first relationship. We lasted a year and 8 months. We had everything in common. but he disliked my past, and i lied repeatedly about it (like 4 times) I was always scared to be honest because I didn't want him to think less of me, and also because as the truth arised, he kept reacting worse and worse... even when i told the truth straight out without lying, he judged me so harsly and used to call me names and even broke up with me a couple of times.But that wasn't very often. For the most part we had a blissful relationship. He said he was going to work on his extreme jealousy issues. But it ended on Thursday, because I revealed some truths that I had hidden. So he was very angry and hurt and dumped me.I saw him yesterday and he said he was confused and wanted to take some time to think bout it because he wants to be with me because he loves me but he's scared I'll hurt him again. I seriously doubt he'll take me back.Help, I'm devastated, I feel as if everything is my fault, that I lost him for my stupid dishonesty. I know I'm a great girl, but still, I feel awful for what I lost. I was very very very attached to this guy, who was my first boyfriend, first love and the one I lost my virginity to. I swear we were almost soul mates; if it hadn't been for the obvious conflict regarding my past we would've been.There aren't any more guys like him here! It's a small town, and I'm sure he'll move on before I'm completely over this, I swear the pain feels never ending!What can I do? I feel like he bad guy here, I feel worthless and don't know how to pick myself up again... this guy was the world to me. I always thought my first relationship was going o be short, without this level of attachment (he was very attached to me too, bu with this, I doubt he wants me anywhere near him! he's very angry and hurt). He always talked about marriage and kids, and spending his life with me, and how I was the woman of his dreams, the love of his life... I feel the same about him, still. If I had been in a shorter relationship I would've experienced heartbreak in a safer environment, without regretting so much and feeling so much emptiness... I wouldn't have invested so much in it. I can't help but remember the good times, which far outweight the bad, we had very special, magical moments together, we were almost soulmates...Yesterday when I saw him he seemed like he's doing fine, although he said he wasn't that he's devastated, but I'm pretty sure he's more mature and realizes this is for the best. I don't where will I find a guy like this? And how will I ever be loved if I was such a bad girlfriend? But thge real question is, how can I stop this pain, how can i get over him fast? It hurts! It hurts too much and I can't stop crying!!!
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broke up, his ex, jealous, lost my virginity, move on, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Hi, it's me again. I know I said I wouldn't post you again, but you don't seem to be listening to the advice your given. (And let me tell you, it's good advice at that) Besides your question is getting a little more interesting.
She's a virgin, Old fool. The guy is getting jealous of some kisses she shared. She got nervous and kept lying, cause the more she told him the angrier he got.
Ok... Now it seems your starting to accept the situation and move on. He wasn't right and he dosen't want you. You love him and it hurts. Such is life. I cried for my ex for 3 years, hell I'm still crying now. I used to be frightened to go to sleep. I kept dreaming of him leaving me, and I'd wake up and find that it was all true and he had gone. You want intense, I was with him for 18years, he was my first love, I never even looked at a guy in those whole 18years. I couldn't comprehend life without him. But now he's gone, he lives with someone else.
You know what. Heartbreak hurts but it dosen't kill. You'll survive.. You'll get stronger. You can't make the pain go away, you'll have to bear it I'm afraid. But it will get easier, especially if you stay away from him and have nothing to do with him. Your doing yourself no favours by beating yourself up like this. You can't change the past, he can't accept it, you love him, he dosen't love you. Sorry, but that's how the story goes.
Keep busy, go out with your friends, get a new hairstyle, learn to fish, paint, waterski, do anything you can to stop thinking of him.... And this too will pass one day.
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 I can't figure this one out. You lost your virginity to him and you have a "past"?
I don't know what truths you were hiding. The thing is, it's not a good idea to ladle the truth out in small doses. Every time you hit him with something new he has to go through the whole process of getting over it again. Plus it makes him distrustful. What else might you be hiding? When will these little revelations end? It can REALLY HURT when your partner keeps coming up with new facts.
Ok, having said that, I don't think you can rule out the possibility of getting together again. Once he's digested this he still may have feelings for you. After all, he said he was confused and wanted to take some time to think bout it. He loves you but, as he said, he's scared you'll hurt him again. That means the door is still open.
I suggest that if you do get back together with him, you should lay it all out to him. No more secrets. NONE. Tell him that this is what you did, this is everything, there are no more secrets, and you're doing this because you want it all out in the open -- everything, so he doesn't keep thinking that maybe you've got something else up your sleeve to bash him over the head with.
But if you do get back together, be warned, the "past" will continue to overshadow his feelings. He will probably harp on it and every so often he'll abuse you again and go into "hurt mode". It's really hard for guys to get over their girlfriend's past, despite their best intentions. And it doesn't matter how big or small the secret was, guys seem to get stuck on these things. I mean, for goodness' sake, you were a virgin for him! Your past can't be as lurid as some women who had 69 past sexual partners (to quote a recent thread), or had hard drugs and multiple random partners, had sex with another girl in front of a whole heap of guys, etc. etc.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): When someone is your soulmate they do not judge every aspect of your life and hate you for it. In addition if he was the right man for you, you would have felt more comfortable telling him the truth from the outset. Over time, you will realise that you relied too much on him and that this relationship was very one-sided - i.e. he called the shots and you got yourself into a nervous wreck. I think whichever way things go it is important for you to throw yourself into distracting yourself with other things - friends, tasks, volunteering, travelling - anything you can find. If he sees you are clinging he just thinks he can get away with treating you like this all over again. He is actually being cruel but you are blinded by your feelings. Give youself a little more time and you will start to see - as your confidence grows.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): Hey there. You can't beat yourself up. I know that you still care for him. Let me tell you about my relationship. I was with this girl that I've met since middle school and at first we were just buddies. But when we were in Drama class in high school, I've started to have feelings for her. We both began to be together, but she was suspended from school for fighting. By sophomore year, I thought she was with somebody else until someone said to me that she really likes me but she was not at school. When we finally saw each other as I was going to my History class, we look into each other's eyes and felt a deep attraction for each other. Our hearts were beating together and I have thought that we wre soulmates. I thought that when we see each oth again, then I will tell her how I feel about her, but one day she didn't even notice me and I felt that she was with somebody else.
By junior year at high school, she wrote me a letter explaining me why she had to ignore me, but she said that she wanted to grow old with me, and I felt like we were one.
We've written each other almost everyday because she never returned to my school because of the fights and We just write to each other to communicate. Everything was going fine with our relatonship, until her ex-boyfriends came back into her life and impregnated her. She said that she had to break up with me and I was so devastated just like you. I've thought I lost that part of me andI felt rage and sadness at the same time. By the time she had her child, she wanted to come back to me, but I've said to her that you can't because you've betrayed me. She also said some derrogatory remarks about my grandmother which made me pissed off at her and I had to break her up indefinitely. To make this story short, she wrote to me that she wanted to be with me again, but I declined because of what she did.
I know how you feel about him, but I want you to remember all the good things you've had with him and just move on with your life. Don't let him effect how you live and also remember that there are lots of guys, including myself, are out there for you that feels the same way you feel when you finally meet that special person. If you still care for him, then just be his friend. If he does not want to be your friend, then you mist forget about him, but keep him in your memories.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (19 May 2008):
 Hi there,
Geez, we see so many of these posts on this site. I would love to meet one of these men and bang his head into a wall several hundred times.
Look , understand this, there are a lot of guys out there who are emotionally stunted. They are generally pathetic little creatures who think that because their mother was a saintly virgin when she married their father , then all girls should be like this or they are whores.
He lives in a fantasy land where all girls aree virginal debutantes - he should wake up to himself. Now don't let his insecure bullshit affect you. It already has I know, but that is understandable. Just think of it like this, how is he going to react with his next girlfriend? She will go through exactly the same you went through and he will be back to square one being a jerk.
So time will heal these wounds, and eventually when you meet someone who shows you respect you will realise what a waste of space this jerk was for making you feel bad about yourself.
You have every right to have a healthy relationship with anyone you please, don't let this idiot convince you otherwise.
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