A
female
age
41-50,
*nosgirl
writes:hey im 34 yrs old , met and a guy some 3 yrs ago, thot it was going to be just a fling, but he ended up talking marriage, problem is im 3yrs older than he is but i lied then that it was just one yr diffence, well he just found out, i actually meant to tell him just didnt know how to bring it up , so kept puttin it off, now hes found out, i no i hurt him but what i can do to make him forgive me? he is so mad at me.. i begged and apologsied,its not working Reply to this Question
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female
reader, onosgirl +, writes (16 February 2009):
onosgirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHEY I WANT TO A BIG THANKS TO ALL WHO HELPED.PARTICULARLY I FOUND THE RESPONSE OF TOMAS (A MALE)VERY HELPFUL BECAUSE AS A GUY HE WOULD FEEL ME. I TOOK ALL OF HIS ADVICE AND AM GLAD TO SAY WE ARE GOOD NOW. I WILL DEFINITELY KEEP U GUYS POSTED AS PER THE WEDDING ,U CAN BE SURE I'LL SEND AN INVITE.. ONCE MORE THANKS,, U WERE REALLY A BIG HELP[Moderator's note: Please avoid all caps, writing in lowercase is preferred.]
A
male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (14 February 2009):
I'm going to play bad guy here.
Yes, the age thing is irrelevant. But he isn't going to angry about your age (I hope). What he is going to be angry about is the lying. And not the lying at the beginning of a relationship, though that doesn't reflect well. At the beginning of a relationship, though, people take things with a grain of salt.
Once a relationship becomes serious, though, and people start sharing themselves, what is said (or not said) is taken on trust. If you two were discussing marriage, then presumably he believed that you two had reached a level of trust and self-disclosure that meant you were comfortable showing yourselves to each other, for better or worse, warts and all.
What he would be upset about is that, presumably, you weren't as ready as he (and you?) thought you were. I believe that is your actual and best excuse - as much as you like him, and want to feel comfortable being yourself, you haven't reached a level of comfort where maintaining a false pretense about your age would seem silly to you.
Assuming he did feel that level of comfort/openness with you, he could probably feel embarrassed, and perhaps a bit paranoid. If it is more important to you to try to control how he thinks and feels about you, than to reveal yourself, then what else might you choose not to share?
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I think the answer is to recognize and communicate that (1) you care about how he sees you more than you wish you did, (2) you aren't as comfortable and secure with him yet as you wish you were and hope to be, and (3) you are sorry for not being brave enough to risk his disapproval by confessing your lie, regardless of how inconsequential it may have seemed to you at the start.
(And for anyone of the "but the lie wasn't really serious" crowd, remember how a woman feels when a guy says the tryst he had with another woman wasn't really serious ... not being serious doesn't necessarily make it better ... if it wasn't serious, then why do it in the first place?)
I do fully agree, by the way, that once you explain yourself and apologize (for the relevant actions), you need not and should not grovel or beat yourself up. You made a mistake, a perfectly understandable one, and if you both understand what it was, you just see where it leaves you and decide how best to move on.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (13 February 2009):
 Hi there, First of all let's talk reality here, if we can. What is the big deal about you being 3 years older than him? A five year difference is no big deal if both people are grown. How many women out there are marrying men 20 years younger than them, quite a few. What is the real problem? Is he upset with the lie? Then let him know that there is a saying that "if a woman will tell her age, she will tell anything", and I believe it. Have a sit down heart to heart with him, if it is that you lied to him, my feeling is that it was harmless in essence because you were only off by two years, that is trivial. If two people can get along in this world, and there are minor differences, they had better grab each other and be happy they found each other. Let him know you were sensitive about your age as a lot of women are, and that you are basically an honest woman. Now, if he is still hung up on it, you had better evaluate the situation, and think hard about being with him, because he has insecuirty problems in my estimation. This should not be an issue to the extent that he is turning it into. If you told him you were 30 and you were 45, then maybe I would see a problem, but not within a five year span. Dig deeper, don't apologize anymore, ask him what is the real problem, you are both within a five year span of each other. But my thought about this is there is something else going on with him, and that is the reason this has become such a gigantic issue with him. Sit down, talk about it, as I said don't apologize anymore, once or twice is enough, you don't have to beg for his forgiveness, nobody in this world is perfect, especially when it is a woman telling her age. It's not about the 1 year, 2 year thingee, there something beneath it all. Find out what it is and go on from there. Take care, stay in touch. be good to yourself, and be your own best friend.
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