| A
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: my brother (who's 9) was in a crash car and both my parents died but he is a survivor. Child services call me asking if I want take him in or he'll be in foster care. I didn't want to take him in because my girlfriend (of 2 years) just move in with me and space is pretty tight. And we (we're both 19) both work full time and we decided not to take him in. Plus my gf and me don't like kids and thinks money would be even tighter.My bro is in foster care now. When i call him today and he say couldnt because he was "busy" with homework. I know for a fact he doesnt do school work. This happen before and he's not talking to me. My brother's foster parents call me saying his grades are dropping (he use to get c's and he's f's in sudject he's taking) and he's picking on other kids at school. Is this because I wouldnt be his guardian? Now im feeling like the worse brother ever.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (6 November 2008):
 You keep asking if all these things are to do with you, but you dont seem to be taking steps to help him out. Some of it is to do with you (i'm not going to sugar coat it) and some is to do with the fact he's lost his mum and dad who were also his full time carers. Telling him to do his homework is just going to rile him because you washed your hands of responsibility of him and he ended up in care. You cant pick up the bossy big brother bit when it suits.
Until you ask for help from a professional, its pointless anyone advising you anything on here. We are not qualified.
C xxxxx
A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (6 November 2008):
 No hunny
You were trying to to help and very often or not this is a way a child can react for example if a marriage had broken up and the child was with a step parent and the step parent tried to help and the child was upset and confused because of loosing a father ..Your not my dad!
I understand hunny that your g/f maybe only be trying to help but at this time, I think maybe it should just be you who says that's not nice or please don't speak that way .. As this is a really good thing him coming to your place..
I no that this is not good behaviour, I've had this with my eldest son when he was about the same age, He has had a terrible shock love so he is going to say stuff like this maybe for awhile..I don't like to hear that come from a child's mouth either but at this moment you are getting the blunt of his anger and unhappiness.
I used to just get on with it say something like please don't say that then carry on with talking about homework in a gentle tone. I can see your g/f wants to help and stick up for you but if you can imagine once again you are that child and someone is helping you, Your pissed off and you say so in so many words, If someone else comes into that space it will only add fuel to the already burning fire and cause fireworks. Try just you being the one who says please don't speak like that and then really just try and carry on with what you were doing and then walk off and do your normal things..
Its hard enough for him at this moment trying to bond and trust you without someone else shouting, Try to explain this to your g/f in a kind way I no its hard love but children will kick up and storm of if they are being in there eyes ganged up on. Just one person at a time at this moment is all his head can take. I no you feel this didn't go well but he was with you love and he will come again, Stick to your guns about the swearing as I say but no raised tones as sometimes when you speak quietly and directly at someone they take it in a lot better than been yelled at as they are more than likely half way to there room by the time you have yelled your last word...I feel this is a positive step looking at your first post a huge pat on the back hunny is what you need, You have come along way in a short period of time, You will get there...TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy brother went to visit me and my gf. I tried make get him to his homework (the school theating to hold him back if he doesn't keep up) he tell me to f*** off and that I'm not his dad. Then my girlfriend get invold saying he couldn't talk to me like that. It cause this huge fight. Until he got piss off and went to guest room. He went home the next day and hasn't talked to me since. Did I do something wrong?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): This is an incredibly HARD scenario -- but your brother NEEDS YOU BIG TIME and is crying out for help! What a heartbreaker, to lose your parents and then have to live with strangers! He is SO YOUNG. Brothers are FOREVER. You can take him and then get help from the Child Welfare system -- I am a CASA and work with Dc foster kids -- there are tutors, and all kinds of help to get. Many kids don't have a loving family option at all! I hope you can take him but obviously it is a hard, brave heroic thing to do.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): Indeedy Pepper,
We are very aware of how old you are, you are 19, and for us adults that means you are a child as well. As I said, you took the time to write to us at Dear Cupid to get some advice, so we know that you care and you are trying to help.
Yes he's angry with you, but not only you, your brother is angry at the whole world. Somebody took his parents and destroyed his life, so he's hurting and he wants everyone to hurt as well. In his mind, there is no point in following the rules. He followed the rules, got good grades, he was happy, and then his parents died, he was hurt and then left alone. He dosen't see any point in life, he doesn't see why he should be good, when nasty things happen, and people get hurt.
There is only one thing that he loves in life babes, and that is you. The fact that he insults you and your girlfriend, may hurt, but in fact it is very, very good. He's angry with you too, he's angry because he loves you, he misses you and he wants to be with you. He wrote those things about your girlfriend, because he is frightened to tell you how much he needs you and how unhappy he is. He's trying to push you away.
He steals, he bullies other kids, he insults you and your girlfriend, because he wants the whole world to hurt, just like he dose. This is natural, honeypie, very natural, this is how young kids behave when they loose someone and they don't know how to deal with the pain.
You are young, and you are probably hurting too. But you just get on with your life, forget about everything, work hard, and try to pretend nothing has happened and everything is alright. That is how you deal with the sadness, and it's another way of blocking out pain. He hurts people, you don't hurt, but you have run away. All is normal, all is alright, but we need you both to get some help to get over this.
You can not do this alone, you need help, please contact the child services team, on the home that your brother lives in. He cannot do this alone, and he needs more than help from the government authorities, he needs you as well. We need you to get somebody, one person, a contact you can call when things happen with your brother or you. In the UK, we call this a case worker. Somebody from Child welfare services who knows you and your brother and can support you both in what you need.
This is much too difficult for you to deal with alone, so we need you to speak to somebody at Child welfare services, find out who is in charge of your brothers case and ask for an appointment to see them. Tell them all about what is happening with your brother, the stealing, the bad grades, the bullying other children, and what he said about you and your girlfriend on Facebook. You and them can work out a plan of action about how you can tackle your brother and what is best for him at the moment.
I think that you both need some type of family counselling, you can go together and discuss the issues arround your parents death, your relationship as brother to brother, and what the future will hold for you both. At the moment, it is not sensible for your brother to live with you. He is a very difficult child to look after, and it will be to difficult for you. He needs to live with adults at the moment, because he definately needs specialised care.
You need to keep phoning him, write to him, see him, and take him for days out, just for you and him to talk and have fun. Ignore his insults, his bad behaviour, but remind him this is why he can't live with you, because you really couldn't cope with the police. I know you don't really know what to do with kids, and the flat is small, but you can hold the flat out as a reward. When he's grades are better, when he starts behaving, he can come and stay for a weekend with you and your girlfriend. You'll just have to squezze him in. Hopefully, this will give him something to look forward too. Don't reward bad behaviour, but love him despite his bad behaviour, because he's hurting and in pain, he's not really a bad kid.
I know this all sounds hard, well it is, trying to be a parent is hard. Just do the best you can do. Phone him back, and talk to him, about anything you want. I don't know what's best, it's probably best not to argue and bring up the bad behaviour thing, but talk about the future, what you are planning to do to help, try to make an arrangement to see him, keep it light and happy for now, because he's already in a lot of trouble. I don't know, that's why you and him need to get professional help. We don't know you, and we don't know him, we can't tell what's the best thing to do at this moment. That's why we need you to get some support for yourself, somebody professional with resources to help, somebody who is expert at this type of thing.
I know you feel stressed out, and don't know where to turn. Contact the Child welfare services in your country, they are the specialist with all of this. We at Dear Cupid will still be here to help you as much as we can, so don't be afraid to update your situation. We feel helpless, because there is not much we can do or say to help you and your little brother. Take care, and get some help, TODAY....
...............................
A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (4 November 2008):
Oh sweetheart it not to do with you, Yes he is going to get really strange behaviour grieving and not understanding will do this to adults let alone children, This is another form of attention love, He just desperately needs some love and he may be taking all this out on you but its not all you.. You didn't know this was going to happen, Your mind was all confused anybody's would be. We all have different ways of dealing with situations..You are young, don't blame yourself sweetheart, Just go and talk to someone and try and figure out a plan that helps you to help him..It wont be easy hunny not by a long way but if you are positive and get good solid advice you are in a much better position to help, Stop blaming yourself we all have big decisions to make in life we all make mistakes and not one of us is perfect, In between talking to someone, Maybe you could write a letter explaining to him how you felt before and how you feel now, just pop all your feelings down and tell him you love him. A thousand times if you have to before he gains your trust again..But I do believe you need to talk with as many people in charge of your brother as poss not just a five minute phone call but a proper sit down discussion..And dont forget you are hurting as well love xxxxxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy brother's foster mom saying he caught shoplifting headphones and is suspended getting in a fight at school. She said he's out of contorl. His grades are horrible and getting worse by the mintune. Does have something to do with me
...............................
A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (4 November 2008):
Hi sweetheart
I no this is really hard for you, What you have to think about is these things are there for you to see, Think of it as a positive thing. I no how difficult this has been for you, You lost your parents to. And at times like these we don't think or feel very positive about anything or very rational for that matter you are hurting to..He is hurting he has said it, He has lost the trust this is natural, And as I said he is going to hurt you, This is another way of hurting you..Can you get in touch with the home and book an appointment with his care worker and talk with them about everything. I do understand how you must have felt believe me its hard been a parent and at your age its extremely hard contemplating what is right and what is wrong especially when you have had so much to think about. I'm a mum I no how hard decisions can be love. And I no what its like to loose someone close, At 19 I was pregnant just embarking on motherhood little did I no how different my life would be and yes it scared me..I understand your pain hunny I'm not here to judge just to try and give you some support and maybe well hopefully a little help. Go and talk to the child support team get it all out let them no how you feel and hopefully they can help you.
You are going to have to fight hard for his trust love, But talking to someone will help you understand how to go about it..I hope this helps a little WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI went on my bro's facebook and he had this whole post about me and my girlfriend saying we're assholes, can't be trusted and doesnt care about him. He also said my girlfriend is a dumb slut for sleeping with me. I was going call child servces to see if I could to see take him in but he can forget it now.
...............................
A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (4 November 2008):
This may sound bad but it could be the first step to a better understanding for both of you sweetheart, He is going to be hurt angry and say things that will hurt you. If you really think about it why would anyone say hurtful things to someone else unless they themselves are hurting...You persevere love you carry on phoning or maybe go and see him and you take that hurt because you love him and believe me when I say he loves you to. This is going to be one of the hardest things you may face in life but if you fight for it , It will only get better. He is going to be scared of loosing that's obvious so you have to go into this with no false promises, You must be honest and truthful and try for as long as you can to get him to trust you and hopefully in time things will be better than ok for you both, If you need to talk at any time please message me TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni call my brother call to say sorry and he call me a asshole and hope I drop died. Then hung up. I'm not sure what to do anymore, help
...............................
A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (3 November 2008):
Hi Hunny
I no this is hard as you are young, But this is the time now to face up to the fact you may have to grow up very quickly stop thinking negatively and put some positive thought into this love..He is your little brother, His world has just come crashing down he lost his mummy and daddy its hard enough I understand at your age but for someone his age its not understandable, It wont seem real and all he needs right now is someone he knows and loves to show him love...I do understand how difficult this may seem but sweetheart just think back to when you where 9 how would you have felt, Please try and think about this as if it were you at that age and what you would most need, And then maybe if you put yourself into his little shoes you will hopefully find the way forward to a better understanding of how your brother is feeling right now, I'm sorry for your loss hunny PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU BOTH WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): YOU HUNG UP ON HIM! YOU HUNG UP ON HIM! That's the bloody worse thing you could do, that shows him that you don't care about his pain, all you care about is yourself. You make time to see that boy and you go and see him real soon. I know this is hard for you, but it's more difficult for him. You ring him back as soon as you can, you apologize and you tell him your a shit brother, you love him, but you don't know what to do. You tell him you need his help, because your getting everything bloody wrong. Tell him that your just a stupid kid too, but together you can conquer the world. Don't make him any promises you can't keep, but tell him the truth. (NOT ABOUT NOT LKING KIDS, AND NOT ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND) Tell him you are a young stupid idiot, who doesn't know what you are doing, tell him you work all the time and the flat is too small. Tell him you love him, and your gonna try to do your best, but you don't know how to cope so you need his help. Contact the home as soon as you can and discuss the problems your brother is having, and get him out of that bloody home and force them to arrange a foster family as soon as they can.....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso I call my brother today ands he ask me straight up why I didn't take him in. I think he was crying a bit. I didn't know how handle the situation it so I hung up on him. could I have say something to him?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): You may not "like kids" babes, but this isn't just a kid, this is your brother. You seem to like him a lot. You phone him, you check up his progress, and you feel upset and hurt when he doesn't want to talk to you, and you've come here for more advice.He's lost both of his parents, now you have rejected him too. He doesn't trust the world, and he definitely doesn't trust adults to keep him safe or always be there. He's trying to withdraw from you and from the rest of the adult world. He has tons of secrets and pain inside, but he's keeping them all to himself, because he doesn't have anyone to tell. It would have been nice if you could have taken him home to live with him, that would have helped a lot. He probably needs some counselling to help him deal with his feelings of loss, betrayal, anger and bereavement. Emily is right, all you can do is keep pushing, and pushing him for contact. If he won't talk to you on the phone, then you must go down and seem him. He may ignore you and push you away, well you'll just have to accept that this is a poor little boy that's hurting. Keep contacting him, go and see him, write him letters, do anything and everything you can do to show him that you will always be there.Contact the school, and have a word with the teachers about his grades. Maybe there is a special teacher who he is friendly with that might be able to talk to him. Make up a plan of action with the school. They know his situation, many of his teachers will be worried about him.Contact Child Services, and ask to speak to whoever is looking after his case. Tell them you are worried because he is unhappy, avoiding you, and his grades are dropping. Tell them you don't think a home is suitable, and he really needs foster care and new "parents" and a proper family life.You make not like children babes, but this poor boy only has you, and he is depending on you to make it right. I know you lost your parents, but you have his girlfriend. Right now he has nothing, he trusts nobody, and he doesn't care about anything. Please show him you care and do everything in your power to help him, and show him that you will be there for him, no matter what.What would your parents do, what would they expect you to do , how would they like you to look after and care for your brother? They would be so unhappy if they knew what was happening to him. Do your best, your the only one who loves him and can take care of him now.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): He feels betrayed and I can't blame him. Family are suppose to be there for each other, through everything. I'm 19 myself and would take my younger sister in if anything happened. It's going to take a while till he forgives you, all you got to do is make sure he gets a good foster family and visit him lots.
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (3 November 2008):
Of course he is hurt!
He feels abandoned by you, and the death of both his parents right in front of him may also have had a small effect on him too. You don't know what he saw in that car and whether he is messed up from seeing all the blood and being cut out.
I personally think that him going to a foster family who can give him routine and proper care is much better than him going to you who will mess it up because you don't have the time / space / money / knowledge of kids.
But that doesn't mean you don't have to be there for him A LOT!!
Talk to your girlfriend and appologise because you are going to spend a bit less time with her for a few weeks. Then you are going to go over and spend a few hours every weekend and whenever you are off work with your little brother.
Take him out, throw a ball in the park, stupid stuff, and talk to him. Tell him that you would take him in if you had the space but you are working all the time. Tell him to call you when ever he needs to and help him do his school work to get his grades back up.
Just be there for him so he can talk about how much he misses his parents. You are the only one he has to talk to about old times and how your dad set the Christmas tree on fire that time and your mum's nice baking, and all the memories you have.
You need to be there even more because you can't take him in yourself.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (3 November 2008):
My bro is 11 yrs younger than me, and if my mum had died when he was 9, I would of taken him in no matter what. Blood is thicker than water. What if it doesn't work out long term with this girlfriend (you're young, its stacked against you) but your brother will always be your brother.
You dont like kids? Fair enough but its not like he's a toddler.
No sorry. I think he feels very let down, and so he would. I dont know how you get back from that really.
C xxxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): Well, if you were in the same situation your sibling is in and your older brother didnt want anything to do with you cos it might cause problems with his girlfriend... how would you feel??? You are all your sibling has left in the world and you are willing to give him up cos it doesnt suit you. Since when is life easy?????? Suggest that you reassess your priorities. Your sibling is very hurt that is why he is behaving in this manner.
...............................
|
