A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been reflecting upon past relationships after things with my current interest seem to be going awry. I'm completely confused. I've been told that I give myself too easily and quickly and let's face it once sex comes into the equation, it's easy back to out of the situation. I've heard that my actions can possibly make me come off as needy, desperate, wreckless, high maintenance, or that I have low self esteem. I admit that I am needy. I wouldn't go as far as to say desperate. I have horrible trust issues. I was with a man for two years who used to abuse me and I recently finally got him out of my life completely. I was pretty broken down for a long time, but I started changing things up in my life and I'm a lot more confident and self assured. But I've also put up a big wall and I've been told that I am a bitch because I have that wall. SO my current interest and I met in April. To be honest, this was a drunken hook up. I don't even really remember meeting him. Sounds shady, but sadly I'm used to things like that. Surprisingly, he texted me all day and that night, we hung out again. I fell for him very quickly. We connected on a different level that I usually don't with a lot of other people. So long story short, he told me he loved me and i left for the summer and dated another man, but I always had that love for him. As soon as i returned,, I was with him again. I tried not to believe that he loved me that things were just said in a drunken state, but its hard to ignore his actions. He's one of the kindest people I've met in a long time. When i tell him i love him he gives me this look that fills me with such joy and contentment and security and I can't explain it. But it scares the crap out of me. So the past few days, my phone has been shut off. I contacted him and gave him a few numbers to reach me at because we planned to spend time together this weekend. And he hasn't called. He hasn't even responded to my text. It's like he's disappeared. I'm really crushed right now. This is why I have walls, and I let him in and now I don't know what to think or what to do. I want to run away but I don't know if i should. I need some direction.
View related questions:
crush, drunk, hasn't called, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 August 2011):
Hello again. This actually sounds pretty positive, what you have said in your next comment.
As we talk, I am now getting more information from you, which clarifies things for me.
Yes, he does sound like a decent young man.
I believe it's now possible that after him having said that he loved you on a couple of occasions earlier, he might be taking a little step back from saying it for now, to reassess his feelings and to protect himself.
It doesn't mean that he has had a complete change of mind.
Men will sometimes do this if they are not exactly sure if their partner feels the same way. I don't think that I'd be necessarily taking it to be a bad sign, more that he is being mindful of his actions, so he doesn't get hurt either.
Men differ from each other quite a bit. Some men say almost from the beginning how they feel, then take a step back if they think they might be overdoing it. Others yet again, hold back from saying their true feelings until they are absolutely sure that their feelings are being reciprocated. Because sometimes one person of the couple might be very demonstrative and vocal, whereas the other seems to be a bit reticent (hesitant) in doing this.
He seems like he is obviously the one who expresses himself right upfront. Then he becomes a bit cautious, just in case you don't feel the same way and he gets his feelings hurt.
I'd say that at this moment, he is being cautious and is protecting himself, so that might be why he is a bit withdrawing at the moment. Hence, the absence.
So in the meantime, refrain from texting or calling him, and just wait for him to contact you. As frustrating as that might be I realize, it's what needs to happen right now. However long that takes - just wait and be patient.
He needs a little bit of space.
He seems to be retreating and regrouping. In other words, he's thinking about what his next move should be.
So for now, bide your time and relax and let him have that space. He does need it at the moment.
And regarding putting up your protective walls, you probably need to start lowering them a bit and allow him into your life a bit more.
This comes down to trust. And trust is important in all relationships.
As he seems like a good man, start to trust him completely, unless he ever gives you reason not to. It will make a huge difference in how you feel and how you act when you are with him.
It will make a difference to him as well, when he can see that you trust him.
When there is no trust and constant suspicion of the other in a relationship, it has a very negative effect on the whole relationship. People act differently when they don't trust someone.
They ask lots of questions about where the other is going and who they are with. Constantly calling them during the day asking heaps of questions, it's a really intense situation and extremely unhealthy. Perhaps even stalking them on a regular basis (in extreme cases). And apart from all that, the one who DOES NOT trust, can never relax - even when they are together - because they constantly assume their partner is up to no good at all!
This all sounds ridiculous I realize, however at the extreme end of the scale, this is precisely what could happen in some relationships. And it does happen!
Lack of trust, is really a lack of personal security and a low self esteem, believing that they are not good enough and that others are better than them. And believing that at any moment, they could be replaced with someone else.
This isn't you, however there may be a level of insecurity within you, because of past history. And this is the reason you are being careful not to let your guard down too soon.
However with each relationship, you learn something from it and take that positive part with you into the next relationship. Life is one great big learning curve for all of us.
The trick in learning to trust, is to find a happy medium.
The problem with constantly keeping your guards up, is you lock people out and it prevents or at least makes it difficult, for them to get close to you. Sometimes, people get tired of it and give up trying.
And it comes across to others, as being a bit cold and without feeling, and so it makes you seem slightly unapproachable.
So when you do hear from him again, just allow some warmth into your voice and friendliness without overdoing it, and just be yourself and let him see the real you.
He's probably waiting for the real you to come out and play - so to speak.
Just let bits of you come out as you feel safe to do so.
He does seem like a man worthy of your trust.
And as time goes on, don't allow yourself to be taken for granted or mistreated by him - or by anyone else. Accept on the best from life, and nothing less.
When you live your life this way, everyone will treat you with dignity and respect and will also know exactly where they stand with you - and that's very important.
A
female
reader, Nik9 +, writes (29 August 2011):
I think there are two possible explanations. Either 1. He is very busy or lost his phone or something that would interfere with him getting in contact with you. Or 2. He's just not that into you.Honestly, he might be using you. Or perhaps he thought he wanted to pursue something with you initially, but then got to know you better and is now having second thoughts.This doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. You are a wonderful woman who has a lot to give! He just might not be that right man to give it to.If I were you I'd stop trying to contact him. No more texts, no more phone calls. If he has his phone, he's surely gotten the message and is probably not intending to call back. If his phone got lost, and he really does want to continue something with you, he'll find a way to get a hold of you. So just wait it out. I know it can drive you nuts waiting and wondering, but it is a part of life. Many women, myself included, have been in this situation and we feel ya! Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): you're not wrong to be having walls. walls are a necessary self-protection mechanism, to protect yourself from getting hurt again.But what you did with him isn't an issue of having walls, it's an issue of rudeness and dishonesty.You see, he said he loved you, and in response you went and dated someone else. Then when you came back you got back with him and tell him you love him. This is not your walls speaking, this is you saying one thing and behaving completely different, which is being dishonest and rude. No wonder he doesn't want to have anything to do with you now. If it was an issue of walls, of being afraid to get close for fear of getting screwed over again, you would have distanced yourself from him and just not gotten close to him. You wouldn't be fully engaging with him one minute even to the point of telling him you love him, then doing something with someone else next minute.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit just so happens that on one occasion when we hung out i wasn't able to have sex and he was perfectly fine with it. It was the night before i left and it was that night that he started asking me to stay with him and he told me he loved me. He said a lot of things that night. And hes very consistent with it. Actually to be perfectly honest, i tried my hardest to really keep my feelings for him away. I dated a few others and I talk with them a lot. He noticed this and actually said that I needed to make a decision on who i wanted to be with. He said that i needed to settle down. he is older than me and things in his life are coming together. One of the things that really stood out to me was the fact that while we were first getting to know each other, he used to say he was crazy about me and talked of how great he felt with me. He even dated another woman over the summer, but here we are. I hope things work out, but I will probably give him space and not try so hard.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (29 August 2011):
Hi there. Is it possible that he says those 3 little words - "I Love You" - just to keep you saying yes, to having sex with him?
Men often say what they know you want to hear, so be aware of that.
It can sometimes be that way with some men. And those relationships, are often referred to as "Friends With Benefits" - the benefits, being the sex.
I'm hoping that it's not that way with you.
A way to tell if it is, is if he takes you out to nice places and spends money on you when he does. If he doesn't take you out and spends no money on you and you just sit at home at his place, and have sex, well then it could be a form of FWB.
Perhaps over the years, you have had a few FWB's and not realized what they were. You may have been fairly happy with each of them, and then all too suddenly, it ended without any warning at all. It can be very disappointing when it does happen, that's for sure.
If you do end up seeing this man again, maybe you could say "No" to sex for that day, and just say you don't feel very well or you have your periods, anything at all. Then see what reaction he has to you saying no to him. If you never see him again, well then it might have been an FWB after all.
And if that's the case, in future when you go out with a new man, don't give him sex on the first night you go out, or the second. Maybe on the third, if you feel that he is worth it. By that, I mean if he takes you out - to dinner, a show, - and he does treat you with dignity and respect.
If it then feels right to you, then go ahead. However, don't let a man coerce you into it if you're not ready, or make you feel guilty for saying no. That is entirely your choice to say no, it's not up to a man. It's your body, so it's your choice.
And in future when you do go out to a place where they serve alcohol, be mindful of how much you are drinking, so that you are always completely aware of yourself and of your surroundings.
Then nothing can happen without your knowing it. In other words, don't get blind drunk and out of control. It can come across as cheap. It's not a good look for anyone, and some men could well take complete advantage of that situation. You could get yourself raped. So be very very careful.
...............................
|
