A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Like everyday there is always something wrong with my girlfriend. She always feels lonely although shes surrounded by her friends and family. Shes happy one moment and then depressed for the rest of the day. I have a hard time answering the first text she sends me early in the morning so i pretend that i am asleep so i can have some time for myself because i know the moment i send that text im going to have to hear about her sad sad day of being lonely and depressed. Either that or shell go on and on about stuff and then suddenly get depressed. And if i stop texting her she gets extremely depressed (For example i leave for five minutes and then shes like "Where are you?" and when i come back its "What were you doing?" and if im gone for a day she sends her emotional letters to my friend like "Wheres ______?(Im keeping my name out of this) He hasnt been answering my texts")Well all i really want to know is whys she always gotta be sad?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Your gf sounds like she has depression and depending on severity maybe also some personality disorder. she needs professional help. You're her bf, not her medication. It's not your job to regulate her moods, it's hers. If she can't do things on her own that will make her feel better, then she needs to see a counselor and maybe she might also need medication. And you have to tell her this because relationships are not meant to be a replacement for therapy or medication for people with serious issues. People with serious issues often latch onto relationships precisely because they intend (either consciously or subconsciously) to use their relationship as a substitute for therapy or medication, by making it their partner's job to make them feel better or take care of their problems. The idea of having a partner being 'committed' to you sounds especially appealing for people with serious issues who don't want to take responsibility. But this ends up destroying the relationship and causing themselves more pain further down the road. And you're showing the early signs of such relationship disintegration so you should do something.She needs to learn how to manage her emotions and insecurities on her own, and she needs to learn about BOUNDARIES in relationships. you're doing the right thing of not answering her early morning texts. But you need to do more than that. You need to be honest with her but in a loving supportive way, that she should see a counselor because (a) this is dysfunctional to be feeling so depressed so often (b) it's for her own benefit, to help her feel better. Surely she wants to feel better, doesn't she?? (c) if she's always lonely that's something she has to learn to deal with within herself, and not be making it your responsibility.this may be getting ahead of things, but if she refuses to get help or do anything on her own to try and get better at coping on her own, you may have to tell her that you will temporarily end the relationship until she gets help for her issues and is ready to re-join the relationship.Otherwise, a relationship like this left unchecked will become very toxic and will probably end at some point further down the road anyway but in a much nastier and more damaging way. some times people won't take responsibility for dealing with their own serious issues or getting help, unless it costs them relationships so that's why you have to be willing to take a break from the relationship if she refuses to get help for herself. Because like I said earlier, people who latch onto relationships as a substitute for therapy/medication/work, have no need to take responsibility for their own problems as long as their partner continues to stick around, catering to them to temporarily make them feel better, on and on...but you would not be doing her a favor by staying in this relationship if nothing changes, because then you'd be encouraging her to stay her same dysfunctional self. And sooner or later this relationship will drain you and take a toll on your mental health and you'll start to feel really negative about her, lose attraction to her, can't stand her, etc etc. and then the relationship gets more toxic once there's little positive feelings left and the tone of the relationship is negative.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): AngelDLite's post is right on.Tell your girlfriend you can't handle this, it's sucking the life out of you, and she needs to get therapy otherwise this relationship won't work.I am wondering what she is personality type-wise, possibly a Four on the Enneagram: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/TypeFour.aspThis system works and often helps people to see their most negative attributes more objectively.Is she creative? Maybe you can get her some journals or paints or something....
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (29 August 2011):
 she is a very needy person, constantly needing more from you and from her friends and when her needs are not met (though this is mostly impossible to do!) she gets depressed. i would guess she has some sort of emotional disorder that could relate to a sense of abandonment in her childhood, death of a close relative or parents divorce and a parent leaving, or maybe emotionally her parents were not there for her.
if you think this could be the case then she really needs to get therapy to come to terms with what happened, to accept and cope with it by using more postive thought patterns. cognitive behavioural therapy could probably help as this will teach her how to get in the habit of seeing things in a more postive light ie - 'i feel sad coz i'm lonely' should really be ' i have got friends and a boyfriend so i'm not lonely, i know i will see them again, i'll find something to do until that time coz i'm feeling a little bored right now and if i have nothing to do i will start brooding about unhappy things'
it is beneficial to your girlfriend if she gets help now before her problem becomes more ingrained. if she carries on like this you will eventually get so sick of it that you'll leave (already you are avoiding her contact with her by pretending you are still asleep when her morning text comes). you will leave and she will probably get another boyfriend but she will have the same problems with him and he will leave, and this will carry on through out her life.
she needs to get help. you cannot do it for her and the more you pander to her requests for your time and attention the more she will want. nothing will ever be enough coz she has a problem at the root of her personality, everytime you spend time with her is just a temporary fix, not a cure
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): She is one needy lady that's for sure and you must really care about her to stick around.Most men would run a mile under this pressure.She clearly needs almost 100% attention from you and thats not healthy.Has she had medical advice for depression and are her family aware she gets depressed?I would advise her to seek it - tell her you cant cope with the pressure and want her to let you breathe, if you do this in a caring way she may realise she is driving you away and get help.Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): Because there is a payoff in it. What do sad people get? Extra attention and support, and a relaxation of the rules of etiquette that apply to everyone else.It's a form of narcissism. Your girlfriend is too wrapped up in herself and what's happening (or not happening) in her own life to give a second thought to the comfort and well being of anyone else. And she is trying to guilt trip you into complying with her unreasonable demands.The solution to your dilema is very simple. Whenever she complains about her life, calmly and matter of factly ask her what she is doing to improve it. This is a non judgmental way of shifting focus from her feelings to her actions (or lack thereof). The cure for depression is action.She doesn't want to be responsible for her own happiness so she will avoid answering that question. And before long she will find something else to do, some other pressing matter to attend to. I have dealt with a number of people just like your girlfriend and this approach works every time. The best thing you can do for both of you is to stop treating her like she's depressed and just treat her the same way you'd treat anyone else. That includes responding to her messages when it is convenient for you to do so, the way you would do with anyone else.
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A
male
reader, PrinceCharming +, writes (29 August 2011):
Have you talked to her about this? If you told her you were concerned , and that she look at the living in a positive way, maybe she just needs some one to talk too
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A
female
reader, needy123  +, writes (29 August 2011):
I would sit down and have a serious talk with her about it, and figure out if there's something really really wrong. If not she could literally be manic depressive lol. OR just super needy.If she's just being really needy try gently telling her that being away from her just makes you that much more excited to talk to her the next time!and for the sad thing i would try saying that it makes you so upset to see her sad that it makes you want to talk to her less because you know that there will always be something bringing the both of you down!i'd be sure to sugar coat that though lol, cuz if she's needy/depressed it could lead to a tear fest !
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