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female
age
41-50,
*rstiles
writes: I am 23, I have been married for 4 years and have a three year old daughter. Unfortunatly I married not for love, but for other reasons. Like I thought he was a good person, and he would take care of me. I never had that "in love, infatuation" feelings for him, and still don't. I am generally unhappy and am almost to the point where I can't stand his presence. So I left. I moved in with a girlfriend about 2 weeks ago. My parents are completely devistated and are urging me to make it work. My conscience is similar (because I was raised that once you are married you are, there is no divorce). Should I stick it out with him, or file for a divorce?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2007): Look around at all the unhappy single parents that followed there friend's and or family's jelous advice (Or so called inner voice to leave and break-up a home). Worse yet, becuase at some point they were bored or "Unhappy." Even larger, look at all the parentless children that are growing up without a stable home and effective child developement skills (And what does this lead to: in boys; in girls?).
Besides obvious deal-breakers such as abuse, infidelity, or other moral boundaries you may have both set, It is a sad excuse and and all too common cop-out to live the ol' cliche that life is short-blah, blah, blah, and make yourself happy at the expense and consequense of immature selfish behavior.
Please note: I'm for the betterment of society (And not against the constitutional right to pursue freedom and happiness-which is sadly mis-interpreted and used in a self serving way) and that includes the core issue: COMMITMENT is just that, period no varying levels or open to different interpretations, nor meeting different emotional needs.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): Thank you for the comment on admiring my beliefs, dear. No one is trying to impose their beliefs on you. You have a brain-you 'can' think for yourself, can't you? You can make your own choices on what you want to believe. You asked a question, I simply voiced an opinion..it's your free choice to take it or leave it. But for you to be so defensive about the advice given..I have to wonder, was a nerve hit somewhere deep inside your moral core. Did I sound lto much like Mom and Dad? Or is it because I didn't validate and your decision to bail on this marriage and simply go blow up lives because 'you' aren't happy?. No I merely pointed out tha marriage is not a game, dear where and when one feels like they have this inalienable right to happiness-they can just walk out the door. I feel what happened with you is that you found out that being married is not the fantasy experience you imagined. With committment, maturity and communication people learn to make the best of life's challenges, difficulties and disappointments. Without maturity, committment and communication, people look for ways, simply to feel better rather than trying to make things better. So no matter how you spin it, sweety...what you are proposing to do is very self-serving, wrong and doesn't solve your own, inner true problem. Because all you are thinking of here..is YOU and no one else. You don't have to agree..that's just the way I see it. Take care and I hope you find that happiness you seek, dear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2006): To Frank and Irish49: I admire your morals and strong beliefs, but I think it's wrong to try to impose them on someone else. Divorce is not just for cases of violence, drug abuse or infidelity. It's sad but sometimes marriage doesn't work. I don't think you should stick to it as if it were doom or a penitence. You meant those vows when you said them but things change, feelings change.
My advice to you: If you want to stick to your marriage, do. If you don't, then leave. You have the right to pursue happiness.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (19 December 2006):
 Irish49 wrote very eliquintly what I was trying to communicate. Please listen to her.
-FBK
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): Frank gives you excellent, insightful advice I agree with him, totally. I just want to add a few comments of my own. Abuse, addictions and adultry are 3 huge reasons to leave a marriage. From what you have posted, you are not experiencing any of this. Dear, I can completely understand why your parents feel upset. Marriage is negotiation, it's respect, it's tolerance, it's understanding, it's unselfishness (it's not "I want, I need, what about poor me) and it's compromise. If your parents are 'old marrieds' they have learned through hard times/happy times /sad times and through wisdom/age, that once the 'honeymoon is over" -this is the time that real life comes into focus and this is where the the mettle and true committment of the spouses come into play. This is where 'marriage' get's underway. Most long married couples will agree it really, really is a life-long process. Too many people get married and 'play house' without a clear understanding of the type of serious committment they are undertaking. They forget about the values of hard work, patience and strength that is needed to keep a marriage intact. And when tough times hit..they forget to unify and put forth big efforts. They think, I'm not happy..'so what about me?' I think you need to try to look at this man that you married, with compassion and a more giving heart. You might find something incredibly lovable, something solid and decent about him. Don't allow your feelings of 'regret and unhappiness' undermine the solidarity, intimacy and cooperative work needed by a husband and wife to sustain a healthy marriage and a family life. You have a daughter and her future emotional well-being and happiness is in your hands. Please think of her. I think are going to need to negotiate a place of comfort for yourself with respect to your marriage. Get into counseling and learn to appreciate what you have 'right under your nose'.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): You sound like you want out. You're only going to get one life, you should live it fully. You probably made a mistake marrying so young and to someone you don't really love, but what's the point of beating yourself up for that? Your parents want the best for you, but their idea of what's best it's not neccesarily what really is best for you.
Staying together for the children is not necessarily the best for the children either. If you don't really want to be with him, then don't be with him. You're both going to waste your life and youth. And children are very perceptive, growing up feeling how bitter you feel and the lack of love between her parents is not going to make her happy. I believe you'll make better parents if you split amicably while you still feel some respect for each other.
You're very young, you deserve to find true love, and your husband deserves a chance to find someone that truly loves him as well.
Search your heart: if he's the one you want, go back to him. If he's not, then leave him but keep in mind that he's still your daughter's daddy.
Best of luck honey.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (18 December 2006):
Hi There,
You have a child together, so yes, I do think you need to work it out...marriage is not just about love. It is about building a life together too...but I think it was unfair what you did, by hooking up with someone that you did not really care about. Talk to your husband...see if there are ways to create the spark and magic.
He sounds like a nice guy, that you are just not attracted too...but attraction can happen if he addresses your emotional needs. Try exploring that together.
You wear a wedding ring right? What were those vows you made at the time? Did they mean anything to you?
If you did not have a child with him, or if there was abuse in the relationship, then leave, so he can find someone better for him, that will appreciate him more than you could. Otherwise, make the effort to work it out. Not for your parents, but for the family (you, him and your daughter) that you committed too.
-Frank B Kermit
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