A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all. Your views would be much appreciated. I don't understand what's going on with me. In breif, I finally got out of an emotionally abusive relationship around six weeks ago. The ending had been on the cards for sometime. My ex bf used to swear at me, manipulate me, mess me around, lie to me and leave me for weeks at a time. I lost my confidence and was a mess. It was a four year 'relationship'. I started gettin stronger about 6 months ago. I started looking after myself again, and getting my independance back. Anyway, he went off to work abroad for a month 5 weeks back. During that time he called me. I told him I had had enough. I felt free for that month. I went out dancing, made new freinds, and felt liberated for the first time in a long time. He came back last week, and even though there has been no contact, I feel like hell and am low in mood and not mptivated again. I don't want him back, but am getting huge greif feelings and am not motivated to do anything again, and apart from going to work,I have been in bed feeling terrible and not sleeping prpperley again. I have not had these feelings for a long time. Infact, they were only tjis bad at the height of his abuse towards me in the relationship when I was really weak and vunerable. Please know that this man is cruel and mean to the extreme. I would have got out earlier if I could have done. I do not understand why I have gone back to this terrible stage of paralysis and there is no contact, and my mind is made up never too see or talk to him again. I have sleeplees nights thinking of all the horrible things he did to me and am shocked and freaked out now. It's like a ton of bricks has fallen on me. I am trying to motivate myself, but am frozen in pain yet again. Why has this come back? Ihad a wonderful month while he was away. I have blocked his number etc. I don't get it. Please advise. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all. Thank you for your answers
They have really helped. I'm taking it easy and recovering
Am getting plenty of rest and eating well but having bad dreams about him,but I guess that'part of processing it all.He has not tried to contact which is a blessing for me, as I now have the time and space to get over it. I'm horrified when I look back at what's happened, but that's a good thing. I am freaked out that I was at the hands of an abuser for so long, but the good thing is I'm getting back to normal bit by bit. Thank you all.x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): Hi thereSo sorry for what you've been through. Like many on this website, I have gone through it too. It's been nearly two years since I left my abusive ex after five years and there's still an attachment inside. They put this attachment there, they're very good at it and it's hard to break.There is a point I would like to make which is very important regarding counselling. A great idea and I think it will really help you, but you have to make sure that the counsellor is one who has been trained with 'Refuge' or whichever main charity you have in your country to help abused women. This is extremely important, because counsellors without this experience are always trained that any problems in a relationship are caused by both parties. In abusive relationships this simply is not true and these counsellors can do more harm than good. I went to one and the first question she asked me was 'What are you doing to make him angry?' Oh dear. There was no knowledge of the subject of abuse even though it was written as her speciality. I looked to women's freedom programmes and found a counsellor through them who REALLY understood my experience. To talk to someone who tries to apportion blame on you for your horrible experience is not what you need. Best of luck with everything. Don't forget that abuse is terribly traumatic. You need help. Don't underestimate the effect it has. It can feel like kidnap, terrorism and torture as you no longer have your freedom, you are being intimidated by someone usually capable of doing harm and your mind, heart and emotions are being violated. Please don't blame yourself for what happened by calling yourself 'weak' and 'allowing it to happen'. Abusers are exceptionally good at what they do and there are many psychological phenomena that happen during abuse. NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY....don't forget that. A good idea to take time off if you can and spend time with those who really love you. All the best xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Anon. I will look that up today. Much appreciated. '.:-) xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): Please look for narcissistic recovery online, Melanie Tonia Evans is a specialist. She also has a Facebook page. God bless X
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Anon.so sorry you went/are going through this, and thank you for your words of encoragement. It's harder when you have no one too turn too. Maybe go to Meet up groups and make new freinds? It may take time but it's good to press ahead on a new path. You were weak, and he knows it, hence the appearing when you were sick and low. You CAN and WILL leave him properley and with no contact. Just belive it. No matter how bad you feel, sit ot out without contacting him. Those feelings will pass with time. Go do things you enjoy, but when you don't have the strength, sit with the horrid feelings and KNOW that they won't last forever. It's impossible. He is no good for you. You are worthy amd stronger than you think you are. Show him by your silence that you are not a walkover, amd show yourself by not responding that you DO have the courage to walk away. You may find youself in a lonely place for a while. A void. But belive me, you won't regret it and will one day soon be relieved of the dramas and be thankful. The light os shining brightly for you at the end of the tunnel. Just walk towards it, and keep walking and don't turn back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all, thank you for your answers, and yes it is the shock of what he did tome and how I allowed him to do those things. I blocked his number but will still see if it comes up on the phone and do check it which makes it worse. I may have to change my number completley. He does not have keys to my place though, which is good. He tends to appear after sometime by either texting, calling or putting a note through the door. My family are near me so I do have them for support. I was going to go to the drs but do not want anti-depressents, as I don't feel depressed, amd just kind of frozen again which has taken me by surprise as I was doing great when he was away. I just want to get back to that place of freedom and joy.It doesn't feel right that he is literraly 30 mins drive away from me again..I try to pretend he is still away but it's not working. Everything has just stopped again. I am going to go back to my yoga class again this week which will help. I'm not dwelling on it, but when I think back to how he treated me. Eg. Swearing at me, leaving me stranded in the street at night, not turning up, slammimg the phone down on me countless times for no reason, dissapearing to get me weak and turning up to make sure I wasn't out and one yime he drove me to his house and left me in the bedroom and spent the entire evening in the frontroom decpratinh and when I went in there he swore at me when I offered to help him and i had to sit in the bedrrom.all evening with the tv up really loud so he could hearbit from the other room I couldn't get home as he lives a bit out in the sticks. There are countless thumgs he did and I'm freaked out.I do not think he would physically harm me, but do not feel safe everytime I go out. He knows where I work, but lucky enough I am.moving offices ion May 18th ( yippee!), so that should help me mentally. I pray to get back to those free happy go lucky days again soon, as I feel like I'm wasting with all this staying in again. It's not making me happy where as going out was.Knowing what he's like he will.probably appear again and leave some sort of manipulative note. I will be strong enough to deal with it by then. I like to think I am getting strimger day by day and am hoping this horrid phase won't last too long. I was even considering getting signed off work for a couple off weeks by the doctor so I can gather my thoughts and become a whole person again, but now is not a good time due to loads of stuff to do at work re. Moving, plus I guess it's better to stay busy.I even get freaked out when I see a car loke his drive past me, and think it might be him. I can't keep going through that. Infact I will go to the drs and see if there is any counselling available or groups etc. That will speed the recovery up. The thiught of seeing him or speaking to him again makes me feel physically sick. It makes me sick rememberimg the way he treated me. It makes me sick to kmow I allowed it and was so weak. It horrifies me that I crossed paths and got involved with someome like that. He was also a heavy cannabis user, and has criminality im his past. Get's worse doesn't? Lol. My job now is how to fix myself back and not be nervous eveytime I go out or see a car like his, and to try and get my freedom back even though he is back. Thank you for listenng.x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): I've been/am in a very similar situation to you.Six weeks isn't long enough to fully recover from what's happened.Unfortunately there's no real way to speed up your recovery. But it will help if you are patient with yourself and keep repeating to yourself that you are in recovery - I mean, if you start to berate yourself for not being strong enough etc, be kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.I have made the mistake of leaving an abusive partner after nearly two decades of abuse. But because I have no family at all, and few friends - no one I could really turn to in an emergency or for 'counselling' type of input - I keep making the mistake of being drawn back to him. I've read books about abuse, I've tried almost everything to break 'addiction' to my abuser, but because there's no one looking out for me I still don't feel strong enough to go it alone. My health was extremely bad after I left him - I was bed-bound for months on end. There was absolutely no one to look after me, so he came and made sure I was okay. That was mind-bending for me to go through and I think it meant I couldn't make a clean break.Recently he went abroad with work for two weeks and I started to feel amazing, like you. I felt safe and as if a weight was lifting from me. When he returned he contacted me immediately but I didn't respond. I managed two months without him and, after that and because I was going through incredibly stressful stuff at work, I weakened and contacted him. Now he keeps talking about getting back together and I am so frightened of the future - I have very limited financial resources and am still not well enough to work full time - that part of me just wants to cave in. Another, massive part of me is furious with myself and i KNOW that it's wrong to keep contact with him.I think in my case it will be a matter of having to keep starting all over again in terms of breaking free completely from him. And I will be left with no one in the world to love me or look out for me if something bad happens. The problem all started years ago with me being far too caring for other people, I got bled dry and burned out through giving to others. In your case, you seem in a slightly stronger space, despite what you may feel. You've cut from him and you are going through the natural stages of shock and grieving. I'm not sure about the PTSD - I understand this and I've even wondered if I have it too. But I also know that terms like this can become very trendy and PTSD is very 'in' at the moment. I'm not saying it's not true, I'm just saying the term makes the symptoms sometimes seem incurable or far more extreme than they may be - and I'm saying this to give you (and me!) hope that you are strong and this natural cycle of grieving will reach a close.I totally agree that meditation and yoga AND visualisation will help you. Yoga is what got me back to health again. When I was bed-bound I started with yoga to build up my strength and self belief. It took about a year before I could do any cardiovascular exercise without becoming ill again - my cortisol levels were so high that my body had become damaged through decades of stress. I'd honestly urge you to celebrate the fact that your body has not been damaged in this way - make the most of whatever exercise you can do, because it will be very key to healing you. If you enjoy dancing, go to a dance class. Learn to meditate and visual your ex far, far away from you. Finally, make arrangements to go travelling yourself, so that you feel empowered and not like you are the one always 'waiting' for him to come back and hurt you.You've been so strong leaving him, and you are healing now. It's not a straightforward, linear progression from feeling bad to feeling great - it goes up and down and sometimes there seems to be three steps forward and two steps backwards etc. But what you are experiencing now is part of it and doesn't mean you've failed, quite the opposite.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 It's like when you quit cigarettes. You still crave them even if you INTELLECTUALLY understand that they are nasty and bad for you till they are ALL the way out of your system. You will have dreams of smoking and wake up feeling guilty. And you did nothing wrong!
Of course having an abusive relationship is WAY worse - I'm not trying to make it light.
But you are now in the shock phase - you made a BREAK for it, and you are left wondering why you LET him do all this to you. And WHY he WAS doing this to you. It's a LOT to process.
OF course it was EASIER to feel FREE when he was AWAY physically. Now he is back and that makes you worry. Well, no wonder! Doesn't mean he WILL try and contact you or harm you, but it pretty NATURAL for you to feel scared.
You have been with a guy who's behavior was abusive and unpredictable - no wonder why you feel this way now. You have been so used waiting around for the other shoe to drop. It's a habit that will be hard to break.
I'd say, change your lock (if he had a key) down load a safety app (there are many free ones out there) Maybe even consider finding a either a support group or a counselor and talk these thing s through with.
What you did TOOK a LOT of courage and strength. And you should be PROUD of yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): I agree with janniepeg. It sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You've endured a lot of stress and abuse. You've been pushed to the brink, and that takes its toll on the mind and body. There's even a little "Stockholms Syndrome" when you'll even feel sorry for your abuser. Worrying about his well-being and such.
There is going to be a period of grief; because you have suffered a loss. Your relationship died. Although the relationship was awful, you still invested all you had in you to make it work. All the energy you had left in you; was for survival through the abuse. You still had to work and function like normal. Put on a facade that everything was okay. That must be exhausting! Your spirit is begging for something to give you joy and release. Perhaps a little time in worship, if you have a faith. Meditation and yoga works wonders together. You need something to rejoice about. You haven't celebrated in ages; so you feel depression and anxiety caving-in on you. You have to go to the doctor to get checked-out. Your immune-system has been damaged; because of the intense stress. Fear has eaten to your very soul. God bless you dear lady!
It took all the strength you had left to gather the courage to finally leave. It was good for you during the he was in another country. The distance made you feel safe. Now he's too close for comfort; so the fear has returned.
Please get some trauma-counseling, and see the doctor to get a medical-checkup.
Spend a more time with your family to get re-energized. You've expended more energy than humanly possible, just trying to stay sane! I commend you on your strength and perseverance. My heart goes out to you for the tremendous fear and strain you must have suffered. You're a survivor. You need rest, but don't try to do this all on your own. You need a female family-member or your closest female friend, to come and care for you. To cook your meals, let you cry and vent, stroke your hair; to let you rest. You still have some residual fear he'll return. That's normal for what you've been through.
Gosh, I hope you have someone who can take a little time to keep you company for a few days. I hope you are still close to your family. Situations like yours, that type of guy usually alienates and isolates you from family to maintain his control; and to hide how he treats you. If you've disconnected with your mother, father, or siblings; you need them more than ever right now. The love of family is stronger than any medicine.
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reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 April 2015):
 That sounds like PTSD. A little trigger like his voice and seeing his number on your phone could bring back memories to haunt you. It's like your body prepared itself to be in survival mode because it thought he's back again. Keep reminding yourself that he's gone, and you are safe. In time, no trace of him would bother you and this is what you have to continue working on. You still have some processing to do and you have to be patient until one day everything gets detoxed and you are whole again.
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