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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: im in such a mess. ive posted here before and i cant find the question but i asked about a family problem. i will reexplain it. everything has seemed to get worse since then. its a long story but intersting, so if you cant help me then well, at least youll get some entertainment. so i guess it started when i was born lol. my biological mom had problems and so did my biological dad. from what ive gathered they were into drugs and such. they argued a lot. they werent married so didnt live together. then one day, my mom was moving so she needed to get all her stuff into her new house and dropped me and my two brothers off at our dads house. when she came back, he was gone with us. He suspected i was being sexually abused by my moms partner because i woke up screaming his name. as a child, he was abused sexually so he didnt want it to happen to me. so he took us and illegally put us up for adoption. the police didn help my mom to find us because she was in trouble a lot so they didnt trust her. the three of us went through two foster homes (one abusive, likely in it for the money) and then we came here, to the third, where they adopted all three of us. i guess they would feel guilty seperating us. they started off nice then got very abusive and we went through years of family therapy which did nothing at all except make me mad because i really hated that guy and all he did was listen, not suggest. anyway... when i was 17, my biological family contacted me. i was shocked and happy and spoke to them. they had been loooking for us for ten years, and finally got a private investigator and he found my oldest brother because he owns a house through the marine corp. it's been two years since then. i want to talk to them but i dont want to betray my adoptive parents. im stuck and dont know what to do and my oldest brother calls me selfish and mean for not talking to her, meanwhile, he completely ignores the parents who did most of the raising. hes a complete jerk to them.. ignores them on birthdays, mothers and fathers day..and even ignores me. my other brother is bipolar and i think depressed. both of them have changed. i used to look up to them (NO idea why seeing as the oldest raped me when i was 9) nonetheless, they were all i had to look up to since my dad was abusive and my mom did nothing. just the whole, "oh he loves you" bit.. psh. Neither of my brothers called my when my baby was born, or the whole time i was pregnant. or when i got married.. one of them came, but only because of his wife. she's really nice and talked him into it. my parents gave them plane ticket money, but one of them shoplifted (my bio father shoplifted a lot so probly learned it from him) and the money went to legal fees and instead of useing his own money, he decided he wanted to be with his gf on news years instead. well that's all in the past. here's my current problem... i live alone with my daughter. i have no friends. my brothers ignore me, my whole FAMILY except my adoptive parents ignore me. i haven't heard from my aunts or uncles or cousins about my baby... my brother told me he wasn't going to talk to me again and told me to have a "great fucking life." (he gets angry and says things a lot for no real reason. he's dne it a lot, that's why i think he's depressed and i tried to help but he wont get medicine). i have no one .. i resent my family. when i see my parents with my daughter.. i get pissed.. pissed as hell for no reason that i can think of.. i can't control it. i cant let my oldest brother aorund her for obvious reasons.. i just dont know what to do. I mean, is there anyway to solve all of this? to sort it out? to stop hating the only people who pay attention to me? (my parents). i've said "i love you" to them maybe.. 5 to 7 seven times in my whole life and i have a lot of trouble saying it agian. i dont do drugs.. im not mean.. i dont drink.. i take care of my daughter.. i cry i laugh i love just like normal people so why do i end up unhappy? why can't i love my parents and be happy? i let them see my daughter often, but if i spend more than a couple hours with them, i get resentful. but i dont show it. i know theres no easy answer here and many people will tell me to seek counseling.. but i dont need to talk about my feelings. what i need is to start over from the day i was born. and relive everything. Ok.. i realize there aren't many people here who will know what to say, but i haven't anyone in person to talk to, so if you could just acknowledge that you read.. that you "lisented" to me so to speak.. that would be helpful. i dont want people knowing all of this about me so even to the internet world, i have to be anonymous. its all very embarrassing and shameful. and while you're at it, maybe you'd like to share a story with me. a little comfort food, if you will. but if you do have advive, i'd love to hear it. Thank you to those of you who have managed through to this last sentence.
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cousin, depressed, drugs, money, the internet Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry guys. I'm just insecure lol that's why I started feeling upset when people stopped paying attention to me. But you all did a good job and i guess i should wrap it up. You said all that needs to be said.
Vanna, you should keep saltenes at your bedside. They're very helpful for the sickness. And keep generale in the house at all times. Trust me it helps.
A
female
reader, Kavanna  +, writes (2 September 2009):
 i am so sorry i am trying to deal with this morning sickness i am haven now with my first child but that is no reason for me not see how have you been doing. so how have you been doing? umm has anything chnaged? how is your lil one?
the weather here in los angeles is very hot!!!! umm the monutains are burning really bad ppl here are loosing homes and there things it really sucks...
umm i just found out i am prego and me and my partner is going at it lol how much that sucks but i guess hell get over it i have out it n gods hands so i am praying on the out come now!!!!!!!!! im awaked now every morning at 6am due to morning sickness sucks but mother hood right..
enough about me how are you and things with the fam
xoxo vanna hope all is well
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (1 September 2009):
 So sorry, we thought with your final follow-up you had ended the conversation thread.
Well maybe you can work on trying to get closer to your adoptive parents and see maybe they are warmer today than they were in yesteryear. This is a two-edged sword because if you invest that kind of emotional energy, and they aren't any closer to you, then you will feel betrayed again.
The better course is to let them come to you when they're ready. This way you don't have to keep worrying about them day and night, and trying to seek some sort of affirmation from them. Simply let it be.
In either event, you do have your own family going now. And with that, you have an entirely new set of goals and an entirely new frameset to work with.
I hope this helps. You are not unnoticed here. Judging by the prior follow-up, I just figured you'd wrapped this one up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEverytime I write a question, i get a few answers and then i write a followup and nobody ever talks to me again.. why is that? I'm anonymous so i really don't expect you to care about me, but am i boring or what? I see other questions and they ahve answers and followups and answers and more follwups and they all have conversations but that never happens to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are all so kind to have taken the time to read my post and offer an outlook.
In response to a couple of things that were said,
How I must embrace love from people who have never turned their backs on me and my daughter.. but what if everyone has? My parents turned their backs on me when I lived with them. They were not good parents, and my brothers have and my whole extended family and every one of my friends.. I don't know how to embrace them and love them.
And don't worry, I let both of her sets of gransparents see her at least every other weeks. I just don't enjoy it.
Softtouch.. I like that.. I never really thought tht before that maybe I just don't deeply love them..i always wanted to know why can't i say "i love you" and that never even crossed my mind.. because i don't. I also want to clear up, that i am not a single parent. If i explain the situation with my husband, i risk exposing my identity on this site. But I do live alone. And i do feel very lonely and very often unloved.. I have a terrible habbit of pushing people away before they haev the oppertunity to do it first, but only because they have so many times. Do you think that's why i do it?
And vanna and rocknroll, thank you for sharing your story. Is it wrong that misery loves comfort? Or better yet, is it wrong that mine does?
I'm really glad to have all of your understaning and relations. There were some highly intelligent points made here and I really appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2009): Two points i'd like to make before hand. 1. There's noting to be ashamed of, none of choose to be born, and none of us get a choice of what life we're brought into!!! 2. Obviously life doesn't have a reset button, and cannot restart from birth!!! (although would be ideal sometimes lol). I'm 25 years young, and my farther is an alcoholic who has 5 kids (i say kids but the age span is between 18-36 or something like that) anyway, i have 2 full blood siblings and 3 half siblings that i know of (two of which are full blood to each other, and one who is an only child, kind of) and we all have one father. He has been in and out of all our childhood lives briefly at one point or another, but as adults none of us feel like we really know him at all. We've all tried to establish bonds with him, but it seems we're still too much of a responsibility for him and he chooses not to acknowledge our existence. It hurts all of us inside not to have the attention of 1/2 of the two people who created us, so we all resent him. I can understand the effect it has had on you and your siblings, because my oldest half sister is married in spain (but a bitter alcoholic), my half brother is in the UK (but an alcoholic & in and out of prison), i'm not sure about my other half sister because i've never met her, but my full blood sister is married in london (uk) but is under counselling because of depression, my full blood brother gets up and goes to bed at the completely opposite times to what a normal person does and smokes cannabis all day everyday, and now there is me, relapsing into depression, too proud (for some strange reason to get treatment), struggling to find a well paid job, (except dj'ing when i can get hold of it) and also (you guessed it) a drink problem. I could strangle the old man at times lol, but where's that gonna get me? No instead i'm gonna try my best to be everything he isn't, and i would imagine that looking after yourself and your daughter, would be the best thing for you to do.
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female
reader, Kavanna +, writes (29 August 2009):
hi my name is kavanna and i feel that your angry because you have been through so much in your life the only way to start all over is to forgive and to for get. see i have to came up in a very bad house hold it was me and 9 others. when i was young my mom went through the drug use and things also my dad is a dead bet he never was out of jail to even no who i was to begine with. my sisters were mean and my older brother is a perv with a cap P. i have never been raped thank god but i feel your pain only because i have friends that has been raped time after time bye different ppl at a time. i was never abused but mentally plenty of times. when i got upset my mother thought i was crazy because i never talked it out i kept it all in only because i did not want to be made fun of sisters could be very crul at times. so i was put in to non public schooling for years. im now 22 live alone prego with my first and very happy in love with the man of my life. the only way i made it was to forget and to leave all of them in my past my whole family i recive calls once a month is that but i dont care only because i feel that i could do bad all by myself you dont need no doctor to just sit there and tell you that you have problems you already kno that your head is the way it is because you cant forget pray to god to help you forget and to forgive and when you do pray leave it right there in that prayer so he could give you closer with your past. you have a wonderful child who needs her mother to be there for her to prtect her in every way. i am happy that your prev brother has that i dont give a fuck let him show them that your not going to let them treat you like how they are be strong for yourself and your child. if you need someone to talk to ill be your friend ill help you throught this becuase i feel that your strong for putting your story online. my best advice i could give you is to let them fade away from your life and thoughts and i am here for you when ever umm send me a personal message and ill send my number so if you need to talk other then message i would talk when ever xoxo vanna
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (29 August 2009):
I feel terrible for you. I can only empathize.
Here is a solid suggestion, as I know its hard to understand this.
First of all, your bi-polar brother is mentally ill. Its unfortunate but true that the mentally ill do and say things they would never intend to do if they were stable and normal if that's a good word.
My wife has spent 19 of our 21 years of marriage in and out of hospitals, and I can assure you, the pain of having to live with that every day has been excruciating.
I can't speak to your other brother's issues. But I can address your own with your adoptive parents.
I think there is a great deal of resentment on your part. And today you're an adult. But in the past you were a child.
Its very hard to reconcile the emotional conflicts in your family dynamic since it has been so disjointed and difficult for you.
I can only speak to what appears to be a feeling on your part of a genuine lack of deep love from your adoptive parents. This could be an internal process in your mind in that its possible that you have blocked them out of your heart for some undescribed reason.
Then take into account raising a child as a single parent, I can understand completely how you are unhappy.
One of the things you need to do is learn to be happy with yourself. Overcome the doubts and insecurities that are plaguing you. Then you need to find a way to forgive all of these people, more for your own benefit rather than theirs.
Finally, you need to order your priorities. What is the most important thing in your life? I suspect its the baby.
From there I think you will find a path to serenity, at least enough so that you can find some happiness.
Focus on these things first and I think after some time, you will find that your life will be happier.
I also think you're suffering from loneliness. The event of the birth of your child should have been a joyful experience to share with the people you love. And unfortunately, they turned it into a dud. But, it was still joyful for you I hope, and so that is a start.
As far as I can see, the one thing you left out is that somehow I think you feel unloved. But I do hope that is not the case, as you deserve to be loved by your family and your adoptive parents.
I hope they do love you, even if they have a very hard time showing it.
The hate that you are experiencing is largely the product of damaged egos, and unhappy lives surrounding your own. When people are negative like that, its very hard for you to be happy on your own.
I hope this helps.
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female
reader, Failed relationships +, writes (29 August 2009):
Well let me start by saying you are hurting and the reasoning why you don't tell your parents you love them and are resentful is because you want your "real" there and not your adoptive family... This is why you are so angry... In regards to your bio brother well as you stated he is mentally ill and does not take medication. This is the possible reason for his "fuck you" behavior. I feel that despite the hurt,pain, and violation you have been exposed to you must let go and embrace and love the people who have showed you love and never turned their backs on you or your daughter.. I know it will not be easy but in life what is... If you don't do this you will never be happy and will grow old and bitter.. You also have to think about how healthy will it be for your daughter to see your behavior and demeanor soon she is able to notice those things.. If nothing else do it for your daughter... The only people that shows her love and attention... Many children don't have that opportunity to have the experience of being loved by grandparent regardless if they are bio or adoptive.... Good luck and try to let go...
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