A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How can I even attempt to move on with my life without the man I love so much, the father of my child and the man who has been a great stepfather and friend to my other children whom they all have love and respect for?The man who my family also respect and like so much, despite the circumstances when we first got together they welcomed him with open arms into our family. They never judged or have said a bad word against him as he was what I wanted and they respected my choice and are totally happy with my decision. They have left me to get on with life as they know im happy with him.His children and mine get on brilliantly, we like the same foods, music, places etc. The sex is fantastic, we think the same in fact the only difference is I'm into gardening and he's into computers. We have hit trust issues and insecurities big time and I know despite this we can beat this if you both want it to work and I do yet he wants to throw in the towel. I come from a family of 7, 5 of which are happily married and have been for years and also my parents where happily married until they parted only in death. What can I do to put things right? I only need positive answers not anything negative thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): Am i right in saying you wouldnt mind the same behaviour from him? Was your passtime discussed from the start? Why not get someone else and tell them what you do and they either accept or reject.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): U have got to give and take. I dont know what it is with you? I dont think anyone can help you, judging from your earlier outburst. He then reacts as it is counter productive. If this has caused further argument your only concern is what hurtful things he said. What you have said or done is not the problem. You have no intention of sorting it out,but only changing his bad points. I see only what is shown by both reactions. He was mr perfect,when asked to go into detail you answer by attacking him and using his past and anything you can get on him to make your actions his fault. He reacts,and i have no reason to think he's lying. I can only see what i have read. That is,you being emotionaly selfish,refusing to listen and missing out the parts you have played so there is nothing else he can do but keep walking out or give up. Sadly by not saying that its all his fault means this answer is not what you where looking for. I believe you have played the biggest part in the break down.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): To the male involved in this would you please contact me through this site. I am dying to talk to you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): i can see you have no intention of sorting it out. what else is there he can do beside run off? you aint the most reasonable of people. you are dealing with a person,not cattle.i think your real problem is you dont like being stood up to. like a bully without strength.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): Instead of chat date flirt etc,why didnt you try being reasonable and show respect for his feelings instead? A way to a mans heart is not by registering on a dating site. (Although i think you probably thought he wouldnt find out).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): As you asked how you could put things right, i really dont think you would know how to. First a wonderful guy. Now the worst man in the world. I can see that you are of the opinion that as long as you are ok then so is everything else. Unless you change your self suiting outlook and listen then i think dating sites as a single,is as far as it is going,although i think you are at a mid life crisis your argument is like that of a teenager. For the time being stay single until you at the least seek the help of someone qualified. You wouldnt know how to put it right as has been proved here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): Ms. have you ever thought of better ways to sort your problems? Why not include him and try couples meet couples instead? You have to be equal in everything and as chat and dating sites is your answer to how to rebuild a relationship,why not?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): If this is the same person then you are unwilling to sort it out. You dont like what you hear and is absolutely true, so your answer back is a character assassination. May i remind you the problems are in the relationship. His past is absolutely nothing to do with you. I think your relationship is over. I expect this in every relationship you have. Internet dating sites are there for 1 reason and your now ex has done the right thing. I dont think he rejects his son,its you he doesnt want to see. I cant imagine you will ever sort yourself out and dont think relate can help someone. I really think you need to see someone professional,now i expect the same reaction,and that is of someone deeply disturbed.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): I am the guy she has written about. Yes very economical with the truth. Chatrooms,texting and messages insinuating she sends dirty pics of herself. Break up,new discovery,break up constantly for over 4 years, no change. Never ever discussed it,refuses to,only fires back like she has on the board. Some lies,some half true,some only in her mind.Some twisted. Most before i even knew her. Never could do anything without complaining. I had to come to terms i was losing my grandmother,she went internet dating as she felt neglected. I will say and use my grandmothers name in swearing she is a liar and as things that have happened before we met are mentioned,she slept with over 20 different guys when she was married and her excuses are the same she uses with me. Sorry,she was in this sex texting and dating sites through good times and bad times. I have also spoke to someone who`s phone number kept popping up (she had no idea who he was) that she did the buisness after a nightclub and a week earlier the same with his older brother,story changed that he was before me when i told her,but he said it was after our child was born. Any time i had our son,she turned her phone off and wasnt in when i took him back and 3 times she dumped him knowing i wouldnt be able to get to work. She has shown very sinister behaviour including stealing personal letters and telling what she has found when we fell out. She has got a very limited inteligence and turns her ears off. I could write a book. a year ago i again was at fault for not accepting what she was doing,i asked her to see someone as i believe there is something wrong,the chat,sex texting,clumsily dropping mens name or internet id and phone number and dating sites are here to stay. Well i`m not.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009): maybe you should try match.com they say to many guys on here
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female
reader, alwaysreadyandwilling +, writes (22 July 2009):
 Well goes to show. So he isnt perfect for you. He`s gone now,and so he should.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): Its good the kids respect him. Not quite sure if you do though?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): i am the person you all want details from and why he is throwing in the towel,he somehow truly believes i cheated on him by going to chatsites yes i went to these sites but only when he ended us which was on a monthly regular basis for 3-5 days ignoring me and his son totaly,what did he expect from me to sit around crying as i had previously done on numerous occasions waiting for him to decide it was time he let me back in his life,i went to these sites to ease the pain i was in and not for sex but to take the mickey as i have always been a bit of a joker,and made me think that the pics he took of me were special and a 1st time thing when he had more pics of diffrent women all showing tits,arse etc and that was alright as it was before me,but he still kept them sometimes id have a good old moan ask them why he was like that,trying to get an insight into a mans mind.now i ask myself this would he have dumped me every month if he cared how i felt,and how did i expect a man with his reputation and history of diffrent women including 3 mothers 3 kids to change. friends knew of him and his past even his auntie said"wot another one" when she met me,he has a long history of women under his belt all lasting a couple of week or month,think i lasted the longest because of all the effort i put in along with time and money,and judging by the way he turned his back on our son who is also ADHD and 4yrs old yet he has his 10yr daughter living with him what more can i expect from a guy that believes he is blameless and hard done by
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): If he hadnt left,you may have seen him as a soft touch and this is your wake up call. If you look outside,you will never be happy inside.
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female
reader, alwaysreadyandwilling +, writes (22 July 2009):
Have you ever thought of giving internet dating a try? If its only sex then there are websites that deal in it too. i would say free chatrooms are best for flirt,friendship(fwb)or casual encounters. Be careful they say it can be addictive.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): If you are able to live with betrayal,then you are also able to live your life the way you knew it would be if he found out. I think it would be more acceptible if you were sorry,but You are not. Just bored on your own,that will go away.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): This must be very upsetting for you. You want answers without being brave enough to give a honest question. I too can only read between the lines and believe you have in whatever way,betrayed him. if you have hurt him only once,let him breath. He will calm down. If its happened before its going to have caused anger and bitterness. May come round,i dont know. If he's given up as he's conceeded you are no good for him,(in other words he accepts you have no intention or not capable of changing),or the problem wont go away,then i think its impossible and need to question urself. Until you are honest there are no real answers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): You had everything people dream of. Whatever the reason,you dont want to tell us,it is serious. Sometimes you can become over comfortable and when they give up on it and go,its a major shock,there isnt a lot to go on beacuse of denial and refusing to face yourself. If he was at fault,it would have been mentioned. I also think by reading carefully that its betrayal. Throwing in the towel,means give up,had enough now etc. Possibly a repeat of behaviour you dont want to do anything about. The fact you refuse to mention the key area of this makes me believe you miss him,you dont want to be alone,but you are NOT sorry. It is easy to falsify love with not wanting to be on your own. It has moved on and become boring for you maybe. If he was back it wont be different,you will still crave secret excitement and a buzz family life doesnt offer. Refusal to put or say anything shows you will never put things right,of that i am sure.
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A
female
reader, alwaysreadyandwilling +, writes (22 July 2009):
To add more,it`s also familiar with a chick who i met thru internet dating. She sent me some pics,clean of course,we txt,she flirted,we both love skiing. she had been split from her guy for a week. I`d always wanted to try a black chick and this was my chance. She got back with her guy but continued her flirty texts. Her guy found out and left. I hear she`s shouting around the net for me. I know its there any time i want it but her photos have got about a bit. The moral here being,if its not good enough when its there,let it go when it leaves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):
Who are you bringing kids,parents family into it? This is something usualy done when put on the spot. Gardening? Is it why he left you. Okay,if you use the kids when you have done wrong will invoke anger,not a solution. I believe you have cheated and you cant talk your way out of it. Probably with someone far less deserving knowing thats all he will offer,but what he doesnt know wont hurt him. You wasnt thinking about your kids,family and parents when you so willingly took the gamble and what you had already wasnt as important to you. I put it to you that you dont even feel any remorse. You got caught and if theres no chance of being found out you will do it again. Some cheat, some love who they are with. He will be hurt. Has that crossed your selfish mind? Probably not. Sorry but someone had to say it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): If you have betrayed him in any form,go and find him,kiss ass if you have to. If you betrayed him before then all i can say he may be gone for good and things will feel worse before they pick up. But they will one day pick up. Seems by what you mention that you are well aware or too embarrassed to mention the cause of the trust issues. I`m no psychiatrist but I also think this is totaly down to you,and if its been more than once,then its something that needs to be dealt with before you do anything. Give him time. Unless we know the depth of what has gone wrong its a question open to any interpritation. Tell the truth to your family as you missed so much out here,i think until you tell the whole story its just hitting a brick wall.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): i am sorry to learn your going through what i can only assume as hell,this guy and you have a lot more going for you than others i have read yet he wants to throw in the towel?ok most couples have trust and insecurity problems,but they share enough to work through them when children are involved or is there another reason for which he is not telling you another woman perhaps this is something you may after face ask him straight out and if there is let him go as there is a saying you dont realise what you had until its gone
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female
reader, alwaysreadyandwilling +, writes (22 July 2009):
This sounds a similar story as an encounter i had from my first go on a dating site. Missed her ex,yet at the same time sendin naughty pics. She never really got her head round his reasons,just the fact that he`s left. Then to top it all she would get jealous asking me if i had added people and accusing me of cheating. maybe she thought because she does,then so must everyone else. I think he went back and she did it again. She somehow never ever told people why he went.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): I love the cryptic ones. Not only advise,but you have to work out the question too. Your family and background is mentioned,thats nice,but what is not mentioned is the cause or build up to these trust issues. I would say re write this question. An example -: I have cheated on the best thing ever,how do i worm my way out of it? Using your children is very low and unless you say different, the reason for leaving is of your doing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): This has been watered down. YOU MEAN YOU GOT CAUGHT CHEATING? If you did then either it wasnt good as you say,or you dont care,want the best of both. Some dont ever get a chance. You did and you blew it. Deal with it. He will meet some one else and the worst for you is when that happens. Some just cant be happy can they?
If i am right in what i believe,it will happen at any time when you think you wont get caught. I think you screwed up in more way than one. Your kids are not his problem. How else can one read anything different if you cant tell us why he's left YOU.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): You have written a book and left out the most important chapter. It could be the fear of a cruel backlash. We are not mind readers so accept my apologies if i`m wrong in thinking that you may have been caught playing the betrayal game.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): Trust issues? Insecurities? You have watered this story down. The only reason you would do that is because you know its you who messed up. Let me just ask you DID YOU CHEAT? HAVE YOU BEEN CAUGHT? Nothing you said is adding up. Your parents,kids and lifestory isnt why has feet will travel. Its you who he`s left,stop using the kids it wont help and suggests very much that guilt is your weapon. He cant even hear you. once again DID YOU CHEAT?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): I think you need to be a bit more specific about what the reason is for him leaving. You said you have some trust issues but havent said why. I dont think anyone can really help you unless they know exactly what your problem is.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 July 2009):
 Sorry but if he isn't willing to work things out then what can you do? Once he leaves perhaps he may come to realize what he's given up but it is his decision whether to stay or go. As long as you have discussed this all with him, you really have no other option but to accept his decision one way or the other.
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A
female
reader, Quacked +, writes (22 July 2009):
 This man sounds too good to be true so i can understand why it is that you want this to work. He's not only a good father but a good stepfather, and a good partner to you. However, you mentioned that you have trust issues and that he's done with trying for your relationship.Not knowing what these trust issues surround or how deep they go i am going to suggest the following positive steps that may help put things right;You could try getting everything out in the open, discussing each problem and trying to resolve it or at least forgive it. You need be sure that you can both actually forgive and forget because bringing it up during an argument won't help you, him or the children. Have you considered Relate, they offer relationship counselling which would help you assess the problems and your feelings about the relationship as whole. It would also reveal whether you were in the same place - emotions wise.He wants to throw in the towel, does this mean he wants to walk away from your relationship only or does he want to walk away from the children too? If it is solely your relationship he is leaving then the space may be the answer. If he remains in contact with the children on a regular basis and thus he sees you briefly on a regular basis he may see what hes missing. He may need space, a break from the relationship to realise that he misses you and what you had together.I hope it works out for you.Yours,Quacked
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