A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do you detach yourself from someone you know you can NEVER be with? There's this guy I've kind of fallen for and there's no chance of it going anywhere other than friendship so how can I pull away without him really knowing I'm doing so. If he notices I'm backing off he won't let it happen, he'll do whatever he can to keep me close to him so what's the best way without just disappearing from his life?We text everyday, yesterday I was super quiet, only sending him a text in the morning telling him to have a good day. He instantly noticed the "change" in what I said yesterday compared to most days and then last night he needed to talk to me 'cause he was having a problem so I was there for him. Before we said bye he asked me if everything was okay. He knows me so well that he can tell if I'm being off. I told him yes, that everything is fine, and we said our bye's for the night. But like I said, he knows me enough to know that "something" is up with me, so I know he didn't believe me and just took my yes as I didn't want to talk about it.This is someone I think of pretty much all the time. But there are reasons that what we feel for one another won't work. I won't say why, but it just won't. Actually, things were better before there were real emotions involved. We've both discussed it, he's pretty easy to talk to, and agreed the logical thing is to run for the hills but he doesn't want to do that and neither do I, although it's for the best. He said he's been happier since I came into his life and he doesn't want to just let go of what we feel. But I need to detach myself emotionally and take it back down to the friend level. :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2015): Hard to understand why it wouldn't be workable financially unless the social status of one intimidates the other or the ego of one doesn't let him/her become seriously involved with anyone of lesser status. It's all nonsense. Pity that people let these circumstances dictate their lives. If on the other hand, there are serious financial problems that prevent you from making a life together, poverty, no jobs, etc. then put your best foot forward and take every opportunity to better your lives. There are resources. Without really knowing exactly what's going on, it's hard to advise.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): Hi. Difficult one this, and I feel for you. I wonder how to met? I ask this because it may be wise to ensure you don't become entangled in such a situation again... If it was on line e etc for instance, to protect your heart in future.
As for the now, a clean break will of course be the action you know is the quickest and neatest way of dealing with this, but I suspect this isn't the action you either want or can do....and that's ok sweetheart - we've all been there. As someone noted earlier, you are likely spending a lot of time and energy on this dilemma, maybe take stock of the negative and emotionally upsetting component here - is it outweighing the good stuff? Are you generally bad at endings in relationships or is this new? I ask that,because its important to know what specifically this is about in regard to you as,a person and your thoughts and behaviours and what is specifically about this relationship and him.....to help you figure out your next move x
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (15 July 2015):
 I'm going to advise differently. Why can't you stay in contact and be friends? Clearly you are not ready to let go... forcing yourself to walk away and cut all contact will hurt and destroy you more. You know.. and we know that you don't want to cut contact yet. He's become a part of your life and you enjoy his company. Why can't you continue talking and being friends? Are you in a hurry to meet someone else and start dating someone else? If not, why not enjoy the moment?A few years back I was in a long distance relationship with a guy I knew would not work out. He lives in a remote place in Europe and is confined to a wheelchair and bed. We got on really well, we even met. I loved and still love him dearly today. We tried being a couple but it didn't work out.. but we remained friends. Yes, it hurt for a long time knowing that we can never be together and it took a long time for our hearts to heal. Eventually it healed and we stayed in contact. Today, we both found someone else.. yet we are still the best of friends. We know that we probably will never see each other again, but we still enjoy chatting and keeping in touch. I think you can too.Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2015):
 I'd go cold turkey - tell him WHY, wish him well and then CUT all contact. DELETE all info, so you don't feel tempted.
Then spend time with family and friend and doing things you enjoy to help you not think about him so much.
That's what I'd do. I know it may not be easy, but it beats dragging it out.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 July 2015):
 "If he notices I'm backing off he won't let it happen, he'll do whatever he can to keep me close to him" So, if he's on the other side of the world and you change your number or block him, what exactly will he do to keep you 'close' to him? Badger you?
You're expending a great deal of energy and thought on a relationship that will only ever be an online one. So why are you avoiding real world, real life relationships? What's going on with you that is keeping you stuck in a virtual world?
You're going to have to do the adult grown up and scary thing of breaking up with someone. It sucks, nothing good about it, but it has to happen, as you know.
You're in your early to mid 30s, have you never broken up with someone before?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2015): I know the best thing is to say goodbye. We've come to the agreement that we won't let each other ruin what we could have with someone closer to us, but at the end of the day we're pretty attached and it's going to hurt more if it doesn't stop. I just don't know if going full cold turkey is the easiest or to slowly back away, text less, be there less, until it fizzles out. Crappy situation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2015):
See now THAT makes more sense, no point in hiding that!
I still say, I'd cut the contact because WHILE you two keep the contact and the "fantasy" of being together alive you are holding yourselves back from meeting SOMEONE who could be a GREAT fit for you. Who lives close enough to MAKE it work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): We're NOT married, nothing of the sort. Financially it's impossible for us to be together. Our ages are quite far apart. We come from 2 different lifestyles so being involved emotionally is not for the best, that's all. I just asked for the best way to detach myself without just saying goodbye and quitting cold turkey. Don't always assume just because we don't give every little detail it means we're married. There's reasons it can't work right now, that should have been enough to answer the question; "how do i detach myself".
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 July 2015):
 "I won't say why, but it just won't."
The Aunts and Uncles on this site do not - collectively - have ESP. If you want valid, useful responses.... you've got to come clean.....
What AREN'T you including?????
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2015): Neither of us are married, nor dating anyone. We're both single. Living in different parts of the world and due to financial reasons/other stuff we can't be together.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 July 2015):
TELL him that you can not longer continue the "friendship" - GROW a set (of ovaries) and be honest with the guy.
After that... CUT the contact. Block and DELETE his number. Remove him from FB, all apps and social sites.
Why you can't "tell us" is bullshit. We are total strangers and you basically wants us to tell you what to do, but don't want to give the REAL details.... but you can give these long "emotional" play-by-plays of your conversations... *eyeroll* Yeah, I'd go with someone being married as well.
If you are in the 30-35 you are old enough to know what the RIGHT thing to do is. YOU just chooses NOT to do it.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 July 2015):
 One or both of you are married I'll bet.
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