A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Imagine what it feels like to start googling for "how to choose between two great men"... Well, I did that and this is where it took me. Reading all the posts above, I`ve realized how similar human beings can be when it comes to emotions.Now let me tell you about my story... my problem...my life in the last six months...I had been dating X for 10 months when I met Y. Dating is not the best word in this case, as I see this relationship as a complex one, including feelings, tenderness, mental comfort, time spent together, common friends, plans for the future. I have to say that, unlike my previous boy friends, meeting X was different because before him I used to get immediately crazy in love with someone from the first dates. But with X was not like that. No fire. Things started to move slowly, nicely, we got to know each other. That was a little strange for me because I am a very temperamental and passionate woman. So there was not the physical attraction, the chemistry that came up first(although X is a very tall and handsome man). I liked him for being a serious guy, with a serious job, a responsible son (he took care of his mother and himself after his father had died when X was at the university), a joyful person, always smiling.. These are the things that I appreciated at him most in the first time. He is not the kind of guy to look to other women or to make me doubt his feelings for me (which I consider a big plus, as I am very insecure when it comes to men) although he is not a passionate person, a master of romantic words and things that could make a woman lose her head. He is the technical kind of guy (works in the IT) who likes sports and all kind of games to play with his friends.Anyway...After 10 months, it happened that I met Y. We had been chatting for 2 months when we met. So, for 2 months, I may say that I was with both X and Y in the same time, although I was just chatting with the latter. From the first discusions (on the internet), I got that feeling that Y and I were exactly the same. We had the same approach on things, liked the same music, the same kind of people, we both loved arts.. He was trying to become an artist (taking singing lessons, going to castings, etc.). I felt a strong connection between us at a spiritual and emotional level. I have to say that Y is 22 years old, while X is 30 and I am 26. He knew I had a boyfriend, but got the impression that we (me and X) were not very happy together. He got this impression because I avoided talking about X and trying to focus only on Y and I. When we discussed more on this and realized that actually me and X were ok together, he felt very bad and confused. However, after 2 months of chatting, we finally met. The chemistry was great. He was so passionate, we were making love until the morning, when I had to wake up and go to work. I couldn`t sleep, I couldn`t eat, I was crazy about him. He would sing me songs, I would draw his portrait, wrote him poems... With him, I found my creative side again, I found... myself! Everything that we did togheter was new to me. He would make me all sort of little surprises, presents, cook for us, etc.So there I was, seeing 2 men at the same time... you might wonder why I did not end up with X since Y was making me so happy. Well...that`s the problem: As long as I had X, I could be happy with Y. In other words, as long as I knew I had stability, a safe relationship, I could let myself go and enjoy some great moments with Y. I know it was all wrong and unfair, but I was postponing the decision. I chose to choose nothing at least for a while...However, X noticed I had changed and asked me what was wrong. I was crying all the time when we met, a mixture of guilt and fear of losing our safe, tender and caring relationship. But I couldn`t say anything about Y. But after 2 months of dating both X and Y, the former realized that I was cheating on him and decided to break up. I was scared when he told me he knew everything and that it was all over for us. I was scared, but not destroyed. Besides that, X said that we could stay friends. I mean, he took it easily, rationally...Y did not know anthing about my inner drama. He did not know I was seeing him and X at the same time. He thought I ended up with X after our first dates (cause that`s what I told him...) However, when I realized I lost X, I started seeing Y in a different light. In a bad way, I mean. I was thinking that I lost a great man who could offer me everything, who I could trust and rely on, for a romance... for a little guy who was not going to stay with me forever, who would want to meet other girls, whose life was at the beginning... I started to realize all the things we could not have... I stared to argue with him, cry, making all kind of scenes... And in my mind I wanted to get back to X until it was not too late. Which I did. X offered me a second chance. So I told Y we had to stop because we had no future together, that I appreciated all he did for me, that I felt overwhelmed by his proves of his love for me, but I couldn`t see how we could be together on the long run. I did that by text messaging to him and totally breaking his heart...So, I resumed my relationship with X as nothing would have happened. Trips, friends, games, movies, theatres... sex. But... each time we are making love I feel... I feel... I don`t feel as much as a woman as I felt in Y`s arms. Ant that feeling is killing me. I can ignore it, I can be happy with X, but it all ends in bed. And then it comes to me again. It`s unnecessary to say that, after 2 weeks of dating X again, I called Y and asked him to see each other. Which we did. And I was amazed to rediscover how time stops and everything becomes magic when he is around...Now I am seeing both of them again. I am back to where I was 6 months ago...Y is changed, he cannot trust me anymore, accuse me of not knowing what I want, of playing with him and his feelings... Well, I suffer, too. I know this triangle has to disappear. I know I have to MAKE A DECISSION. But who do I choose??? They are equal to me, just that for different reasons. Should I follow my heart and my senses and be with Y, although I find no stability in that relationship or should I follow my reason and stay with X, who can offer security now and for the future? What to do? I am so messed up right now that I`ve begun to feel fine just by staying home, all by myself, reading and ignoring reality. Cause when I`m alone, I feel I don`t lie anyone, I don`t cheat anyone. I should also say that, when i`m with Y, I don`t think at X, I`m enjoying every little second of being with him. Maybe it`s because I know it won`t last.. But when I`m with X, I feel misunderstood, not on the same length, my mind simply goes to Y.I would like to know what do you think about this....Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI`ve carefully read your answers and, because you paid attention to my problem, I`ll dig into it a little.Let me tell you about this week-end. In case you didn`t know, this is the time of the week that I fear most because, when you have a relationship, these couple of days are for you and him. If you are with two men at the same time, you have to plan your week-end in advance and make sure your seeing one man doesn`t interfere with your seeing the other one. It is very complicated and consuming. Most of the times, I refuse to think about it. I just say to myself: You`ll see what you do as it comes...This week-end I managed to see both of them and to be able to answer their phone calls (which I can`t do if I am in the company of either one of them). So another week has gone by and nothing happened...On saturday, I went for a walk in the city with Y. It was such a beautiful day. We walked hand in hand, took photos, stopped and sat on a fountain to smoke a cigarette, bought coffee and cakes and eat them on the street... It was so nice. Plus, whenever I see Y, something beautiful happens: I am offered a book in a tea house by a complete stranger who comes to our table, I am presented to people I know from the blogs I read on the internet and who Y knows, I am offered a post card that Y pays for charity to the girl who comes to our table in a cafe, we walk and I saw something I have never seen before although I had walked that street many times before... Anyway, after all these, I went home, downloaded the photos I took with my camera, played a little with them, adored them, called Y and let him know how wonderful the pics were...Then my bestfriend called and said we (X and I) are invited to come to a restaurant and meet her, her boyfriend and some other friends. So, after X finished his tennis playing (which he did while I was out with Y), we met and went to that restaurants to meet our friends. I had such a good time. I remember smoking over a glass of wine, watching the walls and thinking to myself: "I`ll always remember these days... So full, so nice, so not meant to last..."After that I came home and slept. Alone. So that I could talk on the phone with Y. Cause, if I had stayed at X, I couldn`t have done that...On Sunday, I called Y and invited me over at his place to cook some spaghetti (I forgot to say that he is also a great cooker and he likes to do household activities like cleaning, washing, etc.). I bought some cakes, we cooked, we ate, we listened to music... He is absorbed by music, he analyzes the voice, the gestures of the artist.. he is so sweet when he does that, so sensitive. We made love in the sunlight... And that`s the end of the magic! I saw him thinking about something and he wouldn`t tell me. I asked: "what is it?" and he said: "I`ll let you know if I`ll have to. I guess it`s ok if I have thoughts considering what happened." Meaning: I broke his heart once, he is afraid to get involved with me again... His words hurt me, although I deserve this new attitude of his... We didn`t talk much after that and I left home feeling down and telling to myself: "how can I be with such a guy? how will I be able to deal with his mood swings? he is just like me... and I don`t neet a damaged person like me. I need a strong man..."I couldn`t go home. It was warm and sunny so I went to have a coffee. It was the first time in my life that I sat alone at a table to have a coffee in a cafe. So I sit and smoke, watched the people passing by, enjoying the sun... and thinking to the situation I found myself in. I was telling to myself: "I can live like this - alone. I am alone now and I am ok. I can live without them..."Then X came and we saw a movie together. He was joyful and nice, we kissed, etc.After the movie the magic ended with him, too. He said: "you were not supposed to eat popcorn during the movie. It disturbed me and the others". Enough! - I said to myself. We started arguing about this all the way home (my place, as I said I didn`t want to go to him after what had happened). I cannot stand his critical side. He is just like a mother-in-law, always giving suggestions, making you feel not good enough! I started crying, he started apologizing... I went home. He went home. I called him to apologize after I cooled down. Things were fine...Then Y called, I went to his place. We watched a movie, listened to a concert. But I was sad cause I felt he was distant, he wouldn`t hold me while watching the movie (like X does), after that he was quiet. So I said let`s sleep. Of course, he got upset, we started arguing, I told him I feel alone when he behaves like that, he told me to be patient, to understand what I had been put him through... I cried, I couldn`t sleep, smoked alon ein the kitchen, thinking: "this is the guy i risk to lose X for! look how he makes me feel! he is so cold when he wants to.." I returned to bed and simply said: "pls, let me hold you so that I can sleep..." We held each other and the moment I felt his smell, his skin temperature, his hair on my face... I lost my head again... At 3 am we were making love like crazy. And at 7 am i woke up to go to work... And now he is asking me on YM: "how are you?"A new day has begun...
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 It is simple really. Neither.
X is just someone you feel you should be with. you are getting older, think the clock is thicking and you got to settle down in a steady relationship with someone with a future. It ain't what you want, but that is what society is telling you.
Y is everything you heart desires, but you cannot count on him for anything, no family with this guy. A relation ship with him is loving and exciting but doesn't pay the bills.
You say you know this is wrong, but fail to give a reason why you still do it. Well you want your cake and eat it too. "Trips, friends, games, movies, theatres", adult things a mature man with a steady income can provide. Y provides the magic, the passion, the artist who you connect with, but no stability.
Right now, you won't be happy with either. You really need a mister Z who combines enough elements of both to make you happy.
For that matter you ain't right for either of them, X needs a more mature woman, one who can appreciate the finer the things in live and loves him truly, not just his money.
Y should be with a younger woman who can still live for the moment and not worry what tomorrow brings.
In ten years time X might be right for you and 5 years ago Y might have been perfect, but right now you need someone else.
Your dilemma is one reason age-differences in partners often don't work out. You are at different life-stages with your partners. Set them both free, neither of them deservers a cheater and hope you find someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): When I first read your dilemna, it became blatantly obvious just from the way you have written this that you prefer Y, and would rather be with him. You sounded like you were more cut up about finishing with Y than you were when you finished with X. You say that you are a passionate woman, then this also tells me you are impulsive. If X is holding you back and not making you happy, why are you still with him? I understand, of course, that you like him very much, but something isn't clicking here. And if there is no spark then what is the point in the relationship? If you want to be with someone for the rest of your life you need to pick wisely, and perhaps you and X just aren't meant to be. Obviously, fininshing with X would be painful, but you need to think of the bigger picture, will it make you happier in the long run? I'm not telling you to do anything here, but I'm telling you that you need to put it into perspective. If you are a passionate woman and X is dampening your spirit then why do you want to stay with him? You need to ask yourself these questions before you make a decision.Also, ask yourself, would you want to spend the rest of your life with Y. And most importantly, who do you feel most comfortable and most happy with? Nobody can tell you what to do, we can just advise and offer our support. This doesn't have to be a rash decision, but you sound like you prefer Y to me, and if he makes you feel more like a woman then there's chemistry here and more excitment. Isn't that what a relationship is about? What exactly do you want from your relatoinships, and which of these two men is giving you most of what you want?I hope this helped,xXx
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