A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I started going out with my boyfriend 2 years ago. He has an ex who is his best friend and he told me from the beginning no one would ever come above her (which was ok to begin with but I thought i might come close after 2 years?!) For the first 6 months we were going out he always said we'd move in together over the summer just gone. He gradually stopped saying stuff about it and when i asked just said he'd think about it (but never said anything). When last summer came he announced he would be moving in with his ex! I was quite annoyed but as i'd agreed that I wouldn't interfere in their relationship I said nothing.Over the time they have lived together its become increasingly unbearable to be around them as they talk to each other like they were going out. He still uses pet names for her and they talk in baby talk to each other. I have spoken to him about it and he denies doing it, although since i've said he's stopped. It now turns out the let is up on the flat and they've arranged to move in to a new house together! This I only found out because I probed him, despite him already having signed the lease.He now brings up the fact he hasn't made a fuss if i ever mention even speaking to an ex which is driving me crazy! Its not like i live with them 24/7 but he doesn't seem to get it.Am I being unreasonable? What do you think i should do?
View related questions:
best friend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): This is a very similiar situation to my own! It has also driving me insane. This has been going on for 14 months now and the explanation was finances, we agree that we are not ready to live together. I have been coping with the situation very well up untill the last month where my tolerence level has been reached and I gave him the ultermatum something I swore to myself I wouldnt do. Its worked tho and he's moving out. I love him dearly but if he had put living with her before my feelings then I would have had to end the relationship, I decided I had more self-respect for myself!! YOU should be his main priority and make him know that this is the relationship you want, don't undervalue yourself!!! Tell him straight!! and the other woman should have more self respect for herself ... she needs to move on and get on with her life not be a limpit on someone elses!!!
A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 There are a couple of things that are relevant here.
1) This man did not consider your feelings at all. He knew you felt threatened by his relationship with his ex yet he did not discuss his living situation with you.
2) In fact, he hid his future living arrangements from you. Hiding behavior and plans from someone you care about is not relationship behavior.
3) I agree with baby duck in that he is emotionally tied to his ex, not you. It is her feelings he considers. It is her life he is engaged in. You are on the outskirts of his "centered life with her". Consider this, he has to make new living arrangements and yet instead of asking you to move in with him, he's (behind your back) arranged to live with someone else.
4) He has told you she will come above everyone else. He was truthful and you thought you could change that. Any betting person would have thought after 2 years that would have changed but it hasn't and it wont, probably ever.
5) Regarding a sexual relationship with her, doesn't matter. The more important relationship is the emotional one and that he has with the ex. You are the other woman I am sorry to say.
You could sit him down and explain to him you're not happy with the situation but he already knows that. That is why he hid his living arrangements from you. Given this situation, I would simply drop out of this triangle and find someone who wants to have an fully functional relationship with you. You are way too young to get yourself locked into this situation which will only continue to cause you hurt. And what you don't know is that if you continue to give your all to him, your self esteem will only go in a negative direction. Do yourself a favor and move on.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (21 March 2008):
 OK I know from my own experience about living under the same roof as an ex and all I can say is that my ex moved out of the jointly owned home in June 2005 and we lived separately for 18 months but I still saw him every day as we run a business from the home so I really didn't get away from him but it seemed to ease things for our daughter who is now 7 to see her daddy every day and she spent alternate weekends with him.
Last February though his place that he was renting
was put up for sale and due to finances and trying to find somewhere locally, (the first place took 10 months to find), the only answer was for him to move back in although he said it will only be for a short time. Well over a year later he finally moved out and is now living with his girlfriend which is not locally.
It has been strange but it was purely down to finances and I must admit he moved back in 9 days before my dad died so there was moral support. However, we didn't get on very well in that year and there were a lot of arguments and we used to spend alternate weekends away as we needed our own space.
Your bf however does not seem to be going down this route at all. Calling each other by pet names and talking in baby talk is not in my book someone who has moved on from his ex.
Why live with his ex in the first place, what were the reasons given. Alright finances may be tight but to talk about living with you and then sign a lease with his ex for a new place in my mind is not moving on.
I unfortunately don't think things will change as they are still obviously very close.
My ex is now more like my brother and can annoy me from time to time but the space between us is very good and I think we will become better friends because of it. However I don't see the same happening for your bf.
You need to ask yourself if you truly feel that there is more to this than meets the eye as I think he is getting the best of both worlds right now and not keen on making any sort of committment to you at all. 2 years on and not even living together does not seem to be a relationship that is growing.
You are the one who is having to put up with everything and he is not considering your feelings at all, it is as if he is saying either accept it or else. That isn't how relationships should be and yours has a third wheel so to speak.
You need to ask yourself if your bf is really worth it as in my mind he is playing you like a fiddle and knows that if you love him enough you will put up with this strange scenario.
Start to ask yourself what you want out of life. You are young and still have the world at your feet - don't be taken for a mug as it seems as though this is how he is treating you, sorry to put it like this but I am just saying it as I see it.
Here any time for you as are all the others.
Take care and keep smiling, you are strong just believe in yourself as there are men out there who would not treat you with such disrespect believe me.
BFN
Country Woman
...............................
A
male
reader, Mr.Worry +, writes (21 March 2008):
 I don't think you're being unreasonable at all!After 2 years,he should be closer to you not her.He said no one would ever be above her?That may have been ok in the beginning,but by now,you should be above her.I mean she is his EX.The pet names and living together,it seems as if he's dating her.I honestly don't see how you take this behavior.You should tell him to move out and ease back from her,or lose you.They could still be friends maybe.If he cares about you,he'll care about how you're feeling with this situation,if not get out of this now.You deserve better than this.Good luck,hope it works out for you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): If they are ex's they know each other intimately right? You are the girlfriend and you are being played for a fool. I know what I would have said if my partner had done that to me - I would be there 24/7 making sure he wasnt getting extra nookie from her!
Infact thats not a bad idea, how many bedrooms are there? Maybe you should suggest moving in aswell? I just think you need to be acting on higher ground. For whatever reason they broke up and YOU are the girlfriend, in his life YOU should be coming FIRST, why on earth would you agree to anything different?
Sit him down, tell him how it is, if she really means more then the relationship is a lost cause, if he claims you mean more then declare you are moving in or arrange to move in together separately from her. I suspect he is getting the best of both worlds....he obviously still holds a flame for her and you shouldnt have to play second fiddle to anyone!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): He does not live with his ex. He lives with his current girlfriend. You don't want to make a fuss? Why because you are afraid you might lose this man? I think any man would find your lack of self-respect in this situation very unappealing. Maybe he would treat you better if you treated yourself better. Tell him this arrangement is not acceptable. Be prepared to mean it and lose this guy.
...............................
|
