A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know what to do. I have been married for 17 years and have one 8 year old child. Looking back I married my wife because it seemed at the time....the right thing to do. I didn't have the feelings of love that I had in some earlier relationships, but she was really my first real girlfriend. After living together for a year, I proposed. We have always got along, but I wouldn't say we've ever had a healthy sex life, nor social life. I am very outgoing, and she tends to want to stay home watching TV and knit. I'm athletic and she is the exact opposite although not unattractive in anyway...she just isn't in shape enough nor interested enough to do the kinds of things that I enjoy. Our differences have been magnified since our child was born and it has put a strain on our relationships with friends and neighbors as well as between us. Over the last several years I found that I'm really not attracted to her and not sure if I was ever really in love. The only thing we have in common is our child. We still get along. We don't fight. We can talk about most things, but I've no interest any longer in going out with her or doing things. When we try to do things as a family like bike, camp, sail, or go to the beach...it is generally a disaster. Both my wife and child want to go inside and watch a movie or TV...whereas I want to be out living life and smelling the air.I joined a bike club a few years ago and have met some fun people a few of which both male and female I ride with on a regular basis. My wife has no interest in socializing with the group. I was attracted to one of the girls the day I met her, but she was married too. I have never been unfaithful and haven't intended to be. I enjoy this group of people and it serves a social need of getting out and enjoying others. The problem is that I've really fallen for this person, although I'm pretty sure it is not mutual. I value and enjoy the friendship, but don't know how to come to terms with these feelings that I have never remembered feeling for my wife. I talk to her on a regular basis and we are on a team together so we see each other regularly.I know I need to be honest with myself, but how can I come to terms with these emotions or should I just keep them hidden? I'm not happy at home, and this relationship gives me some happiness despite the platonic nature which as long as I'm married it will have to remain. But can I or should I tell either my wife or this other woman of my feelings?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with those last comments totally. Thanks.
A
female
reader, phuket  +, writes (14 March 2007):
no one is saying that you cant have all the things that you said you want or that you have to stay in a marraige that makes you unhappy. But, you owe it to everyone including yourself to see if it can be salvaged. If not then so be it, i feel that a child brought up by happy parents not living together is better than miserable parents living together. all i suggest is that you find the answer to this first before you decide on your friendship issues.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (13 March 2007):
 The reason you have to distance yourself from the friendship is because of what frame of mind it put you in. YOU are the one who was concerned about what you should say to this woman. It's only a concern because you care for her in a way that is not appropriatae for a friend. I do believe you're clouding that definition a little. It's easy to do, especially when you want to do it.
You said you're trying to come to terms with feelings for her that you never emember having for your wife. Do you understand the gravity of that statement? That is not how you'd descibe a "buddy" That is a storybook definition of love but you keep going back to "we're just friends" It's a slippery slope.
Example...you say if you had male friends it wouldn't be an issue so why is it an issue witha woman. Well, because you wouldn't say..."I have feelings for Bob that I never had for my wife"...Why because Bob would actuallybe a buddy, someone to join a club with or share a beer, not an attraction.
That is simple.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPoint taken. I'll talk to my wife not the friend. However, just because I'm attracted to someone doesn't mean I want them to be my "girlfriend". She probably HAS been a catalyst for what's been missing in my own marriage, but she has also been a great coach, motivator, and training partner and she has said that I have provided the same to her. No, I won't tell her of my feelings as long as we are married to other people. I will deal with my marriage and get counseling, but I just don't see casting aside a friendship without some kind of explaination. Goes back to why you get counseling to maintain a marriage in the first place. You wouldn't just end a marriage without explaination or attempt to thwart the end of the marriage through counseling....why should a valued friendship be really any different?Does she (or her husband) know how I feel? I don't think so. I know how to keep myself in check.This forum gives some interesting feedback, but in the end respondees can never know enough about the individuals involved, nor can people like me relate well everything that needs to be said. And then it's only one side of the issue. I'm sure my wife has her version as does my friend.Each perfectly legitimate views. Thanks though for the feedback. I could probably read a lot into your responses as to what your own childhoods or relationships were like. Oops.. sorry sarcasm again.
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (13 March 2007):
You seem to miss the entire point here. You said you're ATTRACTED to the other woman. You said she's married! Maybe her husband won't want YOU around if you're single and sniffing around HIS wife. You would not be welcome as a "friend" of my wife under your definition of buddy. Why, because he could see through this act you're trying to convince yourself of. You don't want her as a friend, you'd like to have her as a girlfriend. If you didn't want that, there would be no problem, a non issue. You're trying to call a potential romance a friendship. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck....guess what? It's a duck.
If you've tried and tried in your marriage, lay your cards on the table...WITH YOUR WIFE, not Miss Married Woman. You have motives that are not hounourable even if you've kept them concealed. My guess is they are not concealed that well either. Why the hell should you ruin your staus in the club by telling her you like her. She might not care and see you for what you're really doing. Stop acting like a teenager and do the right thing. It's OK to have your ego boost and take it in stride but to convionce yourself you should tell her of your feelings is crazy. Would yo approach a stranger and say " wow, you're pretty. I'm attracated to you?" Of course not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): Sarcasm is an underlying trait of abuse and I am sure this is either a part of you or you picked it up by the abuse and neglect of your wife.
I know no one really likes to be told things they don't want to hear...but I am glad you did as it finally got us something to work with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): I'm supposed to just turn my back on a friendship that satisfies a social need to be with people with similar interests and goals in which we encourage each other to achieve higher goals....just because I am attracted to that person.
Yep.
You are unsatisfied in your marriage. You place all blame on the wife...yet you choose this woman because why? Because she is a challenge? Because the more you put into to it, the bigger the reward? That's called being a martyr. That usually stems from a need that was not meet as a child and so now you take on this role to eliviate the burden of childhood issue.
You learnt to let it be who you are and how you function which isn't healthy. Your levels of tolerance are still remarkedly high in that she is not physically violent, and still offers you something that makes staying married to her worth it.
You haven't reached rock bottom and now are fixating on female friend..distractoin and not a real, reliable help.
It seems like it on the surface. Let's dig a little deeper shall we?
This Female friend is a temptation and a distraction...get some counselling to deal with why you would choose an emotionally unavailable woman to stay married to, and then choose another unavailable woman to fixate on-which you downplayed earlier and made it less but this still does not excuse or absolve you of behaving honorably.
You either are married or not. You either seek counselling or not.
You make the decision but do it with honesty, integrity, and nobility.
Don't hang on to Wife and tell the Female friend and hope she reciprocates and THEN it gives you a reason to leave your unhappy, boring, cold, unloving marriage.
Come on.
Your child has already been taught it is okay to have this unhealthy, emotionally absuive dynamic...your wife and you modelled that this is what LOVE and MARRIAGE is like.
So now daughter will grow up and this gets transmitted down your bloodline unless you get some counselling and get some for your daughter.
Your parents didn't do this for you years ago and so no wonder you think it's acceptable to do what you are doing.
If you are at rock bottom...do something about it.
Counselling. It's needed weither you see it or not and will help you and your daughter.
Your wife didn't really have to change, she just had to say she would and she just had to admit to something she never believed in to keep you - she knows it...you rewarded this and reinforced it by staying. So what has she learnt?
Best Wishes.
Next time...start with the TRUTH and we can better help you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all everything we do outside of work and the marriage could be considered an outlet for something that perhaps is lacking in that marriage. Take "female" out of female friend here and there wouldn't be an issue with the time I spend with this friend. We are allowed to be happy around friends of the same sex, but it's taboo to be happy around friends of the opposite sex. hmmm.
I have spent 20 years trying to encourage my wife to do things that follow her dreams. I have romanced her only to be either rejected or chastised for sending flowers (too expensive) jewelry(same..."I've never really liked wearing jewelry."), taken her to mountain resorts. ("too far to drive") "How can I satisfy you?"..(Oh I've never needed sex to be satisfied..") Much of my energy over the years has been to not only provide all the income and support, but to offer whatever she wanted in terms of chasing her dreams. I have always been honest with her and we do talk of the problems we have had in the marriage....but then nothing changes. She says she loves me. She is a good mother. We have both been faithful. Yes, we have different personalities. But I think that Spark which you so easily brush off is something we all want and need. A spark can only happen if there is mutual attraction however. If only one side shows interest, then a spark can't happen...either in the marriage or with the friendship. OK...but what you tell me is that I have to keep fostering a relationship that is stale and boring and doesn't grow even with effort put into it which I agree I should and continue to try..but then I'm supposed to just turn my back on a friendship that satisfies a social need to be with people with similar interests and goals in which we encourage each other to achieve higher goals....just because I am attracted to that person.
I hate the fact that it's taboo to enter into plutonic relationships outside of marriage when two people really connect. On many levels, I connect more with this person than I have with anyone else. But I'm also realistic to know that I don't know everything about her and I'm sure there is much that we probably don't have in common...but I'm not going to turn my back on a valued friendship without an honest explaination....and that's what I was asking in the first place. Bottom line...I don't know what the future brings. I am sad that my marriage isn't fulfilling for either one of us. You get to the point where you just don't have the energy or desire to do anything more. I am scared how my child will react if our marriage ends. So many people would be affected by a split. I'm sure I would be considered the bad guy...perhaps thinking I wasn't loyal enough. People like you would ask me the same question: She's loyal, faithful,a good mother, says she loves you...What's wrong with you????
I know that my friend would be there as a friend only if I were to split and that anything more than that virtually impossible.
But in the marriage I have not been happy for many years. The short time I spend with my friend...provides a little happiness. I'm sorry if that upsets you.
It sounds like to me that you don't believe in the "love story" we all want and crave. Perhaps you don't believe it can happen. I don't think it does happen often, because we enter into these marriages/relationships because we think that if we aren't married by a certain time, then we never will. Families pressure us to "get married"..."have children". We often settle for what's in front of us thinking it's as good as it's going to get...and then find ourselves dissappointed. We are usually pretty young and niave when we enter into these lifetime contracts. I think if we all were patient and willing to wait as long as it takes to find the right person, then that love story can happen. I want to be romantic again, send flowers, write poetry, have romantic weekends, hold hands, be hugged by someone that doesn't want to let go and neither do I...but with someone that appreciates it. But then I've always been an optimist.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-really-like-this-guy-and-i-can.html
This said it better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): Why is it that adult men and women keep wanting to chase after something they can't have and yet they think this other person is the solution to what they currently feel they lack?
Listen. Don't mistake the excitement or thrill of being emotionally attracted to another man's wife.
You don't have excitement in your life in that that whole spark thing people whine and complain about having...what people fail to realize is with this spark usually is attached pain and suffering.
Any adult who says the feel a spark or electricity when they touch someone it's usually because their subconcious mind has already told them the person is no good for them. Be it the person is emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable, an addict, a liar, married. They are subconciously aware it is a foolish decision to become attracted and desire the person. They are like addicts themselves in that they want the pain and trauma as they equate it to excitement.
More often than not people who think, feel, or believe that someone who is boring means they don't love them or need them or want them.
Wife sounds like she has a different personality from you but she still sounds like a good mother, a loving, sensible woman, faithful, dutiful, she listens to you, she validates you...so why isn't there a spark?
See what I am saying?
I'm going to challenge you on something. Instead of expecting your wife to change to your lifestyle and leisure pursuits...find one that she would like to try or do. Start talking to her. What did she used to dream of doing when she was 8 yrs, 10 yrs, 12, 16, 21, 30?
While this is happening, stop all communication with the other woman and stop going to that club. Join another one and make a goal to only make male friends for the next six months. In this six months, you and wife have some couple's counselling.
You have to want to be a faithful, loving, honest, devoted Husband and Father and start acting like one.
Let me know how the counselling is progressing.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 March 2007):
 It's interesting that you care more about this other friend's feelings more than you own wife and mother of your child.
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A
female
reader, phuket +, writes (12 March 2007):
You cannnot and will not sort any problems out with your marraige while trying to deal with another woman on any level.You have to put your marraige first and decide if you want to continue with it. Only after you have done this can you then decide how to do with your feelings for the other woman. Sometimes the dream or the reality doesnt live up to the expectation.Meaning are you sure that even if the other women returned your feelings could you walk away from your wife and child. Would you want to be a part time Dad.Could she walk away from her family. There is a whole lot more going on than your feelings for another woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, that's the answer so far that didn't make me feel like I was a complete jerk for feeling this way. I have never expected that I would end up with this friend. I'm just trying to deal with the feelings that I have and wondered if I should be honest with her....at the risk of losing the friendship altogether. I know that if I do what some of the other reponses said..."Just leave her alone"...she would question what is was she did that offended me. So I either maintain the friendship and keep my mouth shut, or I'm honest with her about the feelings...I guess giving her the opportunity to back off and me the opportunity to move on. The one answer that I'm afraid of is that she has similar feelings (which I greatly suspect she doesn't)...and I'm not sure how I would react if she did. I guess I also don't want to know that she doesn't feel anything for me either. Truth hurts too. Catch 22. Life is really tough. You just never know how it's going to turn out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2007): I would say follow your gut instinct and go with that. It may mean that you and your wife split up but that will mean you both have a chance at a fresh start. People change and evolve over 20 years! There's absolutely nothing wrong in adnitting you have grown apart if that is the case. Your feelings for this other lady could well be a catalyst to make you realise you have been trundling along in your marriage, she may not be someone you end up with but you having feelings for her certainly points to something being missing in your marriage in my opinion.Life is too short, be happy and good luck.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (6 March 2007):
Yes you are after another man's wife. You know what your feelings are and that is what attracts you to her. The fact that you would ever contemplate telling her says you're fooling yourself about how much control you have. I'd bet my last cent if she gave you the signal you'd probably go for it.
How is your wife supposed to fight for the relationship if she has both hands tied behind her back. How are you supposed to invest all your effort into your marriage if you're looking forward to being with the MARRIED woman.
What you're feeling is common. Work on your marriage. LEt your wife know you're drifting apart. If you haven't acted on your infatuation with the other guys wife, then keep that to yourself. If you don't love your wife then leave her in peace. Support your child and be a good father. AND, stay away from the married woman. She's taken. Just because you're in a strange place doesn't mean she is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the responses. First of all the other woman is not showing me interest other than friendship, and I am in no way trying to "get second helpings...of another man's dinner" We share similar interests and just happen to get along well. We always seem to find ourselves together though and I think of her often. I'm not sure how to put "a lid on my infatuation" without either telling her my feelings or not being the friend she thinks I am.
Marriage is never perfect...I know that. My wife says she loves me and I certainly don't take 20 years for granted.
I don't know what love is supposed to be anymore. It seems like many of the answers I get suggest that we endur each other...and ignore the fact that the love we felt is no longer there. Are these feelings called "infatuation" because we can't have a relationship. It seems like it was OK to have these feelings when we were young and single. I never had them with my wife.
There are opportunities in life that are often missed because perhaps "we put a lid on it"...or perhaps we missed out on a long and happy marriage because we looked for "greener pastures." I don't know which is correct except that my marriage doesn't do much more than create sadness in my life and little happiness. Perhaps I am being selfish...but I spent a great deal of time (years)and effort trying to be the caring and loving husband and we only seem to be drifting further apart.
I can't say I'm thrilled about a response that tells me...."Sorry...your marriage sounds just about right". That sounds like...Sorry marriage is supposed to suck.
She is a great mom, and no I'm not out galavanting around while she "raises (MY) child". We raise her together.
My only comment is that I'm glad that I can have these feelings....whether or not they are inappropriate...i don't know. At least I know that I'm alive.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 March 2007):
Do not tell either one about your feelings until you have decided whether you want a divorce or not. Then sit down with your wife and discuss your problems with this marriage. She may surprise you and want out too or she may be totally devastated by the very idea. But talk you must. If she wants to go to counseling then go. You owe it to your child to try every avenue that is available to save your marriage. If after all that you still want out then get a divorce. This other woman is married, leave her the heck alone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): Love is a choice that you make everyday. I'm sorry to tell you but your marriage sounds just about right.. Marriage, like life can be a major disappointment if you let it. You are giving in to the unrealistic image of marriage that everyone wants, but NOBODY has. Your marriage doesn't sound that bad.. you are on the high end of the happy marriage spectrum, your wife hasn't cheated or spent all your money. She is raising YOUR child and would rather stay home than be out.. doesn't sound too bad to me. If this other women is showing you interest while she is married, wouldn't you rather have the wife that you have instead of her? If the grass looks greener on the other side, get fertilizer!
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (6 March 2007):
Stop being selfish. You're questioning your marriage, so a good idea would be to ruin the marriage of the other lady, her husband and YOUR WIFE'S too. You're jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. Use your head man. Of all the ideas you can come up with, you KNOW this one stinks. Put a lid on your infatuations and deal with what you've got on your plate before you go for second helpings.(of another man's dinner.. I might add.)
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