A
female
age
36-40,
*ost12
writes:I have been with my Boyfriend for just under four years now. We have been living together for a year and a half and we are now renting out first house together. But things have been going wrong in the relationship and i am thinking i should move on. At first he was kind, loving and always thought of me (texts, calls, he was on time and never lied).He had to move in with his mum when his dad died because he thought she needed him. We were fine for a year after that although the relationship was long distance. Then i moved in with his mum and him. Things were great for 6 months but after that it hit rock bottom rapidly. He stopped the nice texts and calls. He was always late and even forgot about me on a couple of occasions. He lied to me about a girl he went on nights out with and worked with. He told me nothing happend when i found out he was lying. I gave us another go but i didn't trust him full after that.We moved into our own place in June last year, a fresh start. But things stayed the same so two months ago i broke up with him. He said he loved me but i was stoppng him from doing things (travelling etc). We made up after talking it through and we were (i thought) ok for a week. Then i found out he had been messaging a woman at his work about me, saying he didn't love me. He said i was failing with my debt (from uni) and that i had no life or friends (i move 100 miles from home to be with him). The woman said horrible things about me too even though i had never met her. I told him to get out.Stupid me took him back again (i love him). But now a month later i find myself still not believing he loves/ever loved me and i still don't trust him at all. I know i should move on, i have even been looking at flats. But i love him.He went out with mates last night (boys night out) and he said he would catch the first train home so we could go somewhere today. I got a text at 9am saying he was up and will be coming home soon. So i waited....12noon and still nothing so i text him, i was looking forward to a day out. He hadn't even set off yet! He had to wake people up apparently. I was furious. Now i am still waiting for him at 2.30pm and i am upset that he has let me down again. I feel like i mean nothing to him. I know i need to leave him or at least get a flat of my own, but i don't want to leave him either. I don't know what to do. I really need advice/kick up the backside. I think he has fallen out of love with me anyway but i just can't leave. I don't think i have the strength to get up and go.(sorry this was such a long read).
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broke up, debt, long distance, move on, moved in, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (25 February 2012):
 HI
You have GOT to find the strength to move on, or you will spend the rest of your days with a man who is clearly cheating on you. He has no respect for you because once you forgive a cheater they will always abuse that trust. YOU ARE worth more than that. you dont need us to tell you that, you just need the courage to leave. Its always going to be hard starting over, BUT if you dont do this now you will regret it big time when its too late.
Mandy xx
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 February 2012):
 You have reasons not to trust him. Good reasons too. He told another woman that he didn't love you any more. The only reason a guy ever back talks his girlfriend like that, saying things like that to another woman, is because he wants to get it on with that other woman, while STILL HAVING YOU in the back. He wants to cheat.
He might have cheated on you already one time, that girl back then. Because these moves sound very much like a cheater making his moves on another girl. And the smoothness of his moves makes me think this isn't his first time. He talks that other girl down to think he's not interested in you any more, giving her ideas that she's got a shot with him. Then he has sex with her, and maybe enter a long affair with her, all the while keeping you as his girlfriend. He will tell the woman on the side that he can't leave you because of you sharing a house, or you needing him for something, or you being controlling somehow etc etc.
He has no plans to leave you. He begs to have you back whenever you try to leave, which you should, you should leave. Because while he says he wants you and needs you, he's running about warming other women up to him. Now why would he need another woman to "sympethize" with him? You think guys talk about their relationship issues with their friends? Or make up stuff to their friends? They don't. Guys keep relationship issues private. The only reason a guy would tell another woman these stories (true or not) is because he wants to cheat. The other woman will go "oh, poor you, come here let me comfort you". It's a classic strategy. And very commonly used. What married man or taken man who cheats HASN'T used it?? None of them.
Does it really matter if he truly loves you or not? He treats you like dirt. If he is so miserable with you as he claims to be, then he needs to bugger off and leave you alone. You aren't forcing him to be with you. He's the one who is begging to have you back.. and you take him back without him actually changing anything at all.
To be honest, sorry, but it sounds like he is cheating on you. Are you sure it was only a boys night out? How do you know he slept alone? You can't trust him you know. He has lied to you and about you before.
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A
male
reader, unknown2u  +, writes (25 February 2012):
You're looking for a kick in the arse? Well, what you've written is surely going to bring that on.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean when you say you 'love him'. Because what you're describing is the sort of devotion an abused puppy gives its master. Just what, exactly, would this guy have to do for you to move on? He stopped paying attention to you, spent time with other women, lied to you, ran you down to others, and told you that you were interfering in his life. Just now you're sitting there twiddling your thumbs waiting from him to make your day having already wasted half of it.
If you don't find "the strength to get up and go" things will never change. You are wasting your life, your youth, your love on someone who doesn't give a damn. Stop it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): Unfortunately I dont think things will get better. I think you need someone who'l put you first. It does'nt sound like he loves you that much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): You know the writing is on the wall but are clinging to the wreckage of your relationship. Maybe he is too much of a coward to end things, so he is behaving shabbily so you will do the deed yourself. Have it out with him if you must. But I would gather together as much courage as you can muster and end it. You will be heartbroken - but in the long run you will be able to look for someone better for you. I think you know that deep down.
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