A
female
age
36-40,
*oodleness
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for four months now, and it's the best relationship I've ever been in. I'm 23 and he's 31, but we have connected in a way that I've never experienced before and he says, neither has he.I was with my ex for four years and in hindsight, it was a complete disaster. It was full of lying, cheating (on his part, using a computer, not physically) and bitterness. I was constantly paranoid and checking his phone/emails, and every time I looked I found something that proved him to be untrustworthy, but I stayed. When I finally left him, it was the biggest weight off my shoulders and I've been so happy.My new boyfriend is completely different, we go out with his friends, my friends, separately and together, he has a great work ethic and is the polar opposite of my ex. The thing is, with him being older; he has a bigger relationship history than me, which obviously, I understand. The thing is, we had a big conversation on his birthday about my first boyfriend (who I was with for about a year when I was 15, and who I have a brilliant platonic relationship with now), and he made it quite clear that while he didnt mind me being in contact with him, he wanted to know nothing about it, he didnt want to meet him and didnt want to know if I spoke to him or met up with him. Fair enough. I said the same about his exes, and in particular the last girlfriend he had, because he had only been broken up with her 3 months before we got together, and mentioned that they hadnt really spoken since the break up, so I said it would make me uncomfortable if they all of a sudden started talking, although they ended on good terms. We’ve been very open and honest about our pasts.Well, on his birthday the ex in question text him, which of course I dont mind. But his birthday was three weeks ago and last night he was showing me something on his phone and in his text messages, there were two texts. From her, and from me. I couldnt help myself, I looked. I hate myself for doing it because I promised myself after my last relationship I wouldnt do that again, and if I felt the need to, I would talk to him about it. The texts were seemingly innocent; there were no kisses, although they did arrange to meet up in a few months time. The birthday texts were sent on his birthday (obviously), and then after that conversation finished he text her a few days after about some football scores. They havent texted since, but like I said that was three weeks ago and he's kept the messages.I dont know what to do. When I read them I left his house, feigning illness because I needed space to think. Which also shows that I've grown because in my last relationship I would find something and have a big fight there and then about it. I know this isnt really a massive issue, and he hasnt actually done anything wrong, I dont expect him to not speak to his exes, but after the conversation we had, I feel like he either did it to be spiteful because I was talking to my ex, or if not then maybe he's not completely over her... and thats why he kept the texts even though he usually keeps his inbox clear. I know this is MY issue, not his. I really do NOT know how to handle this. Maybe I'm not over the way I was treated in my last relationship and thats why I'm making such a mountain out of a molehill. The thing is, I know myself well enough to know that this wont go away, and now will I check his phone again? It exhausted me in my last relationship, so much so that I feel like I should walk away or I'll end up sabotaging the best thing thats happened to me in a long time... And if I talk to him about it and stay with him, will I really trust him? And then of course I’ll be the girlfriend who looks through his phone and invaded his privacy, I don't want to be that person and he does not deserve to be with someone like that. I know I'm being dramatic but I really dont know what to do. Any advice, critical too, welcome... thank you. xx
View related questions:
his ex, my ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2010): I think the most likely reason that you would be nervous about him talking to his ex is because you know why you are still talking to yours. A ex who is your "friend" is pure poison for any current or future relationship. They will always cause jealousy, they will always get in the way, and rightly so. After all, people almost always break up for emotional reasons, not physical ones. If you reestablish a damaged emotional relationship with an ex what's stopping you from reestablishing an undamaged physical one? There are 6 billion other potential "friends" out there. If you're both serious about each other, then you should both leave your exes where they belong - in the past. If you want friends, join a book club.
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 dont do anything u already agreed on things. if u see difference in his behavior,u can suspect something is going on but for now things seem pretty normal,so just relax and have a good time
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 " he didnt want to meet him and didnt want to know if I spoke to him or met up with him. Fair enough. I said the same about his exes, and in particular the last girlfriend he had"
You said to him you didn't want to know about it if he was in contact with his ex. So why should he contact her, out of spite, then NOT mention it to you, and then only contact her about some sports... You are reading way too much into this.
He kept the 3 week old messages because he was too lazy to delete old messages off of his phone. Whatever reasons he had to keep them, there is nothing going on. No secret hidden path in his message system... But you already know you are being dramatic, the question really was: how to deal with this?
Ignore it and move on. Don't speak a word of it, and you are the person you want to be. You want to be someone who doesn't freak out over these things, the solution is simple: just don't freak out over those things. You encountered the situation, and you haven't freaked out about it yet. Great! Just keep your mind occupied with something else and remind yourself that it is silly to react over such a thing. And then just ignore it and never mention it.
...............................
A
female
reader, OlKit  +, writes (2 June 2010):
I don't think you should worry too much. After all, you both agreed that you didn't want to know about each other's exes, and whether you were in contact with / meeting up with them. If you made it clear to him, as he did to you, that you didn't want to know when he talked to or met up with exes, then why would he tell you about these messages? And also, since you told him that you'd feel uncomfortable if he and she suddenly started speaking again, he probably doesn't want to make you feel uneasy by telling you about it. Maybe you should talk to him - if you looked at the messages, you clearly do want to know if he's in contact with her, deep down, so maybe you could ask him to tell you after al, since it's made you so uneasy. and if he was showing you something on his phone and you saw there was a message from her, then you can just tell him that you saw that the message was there, and it bothered you. You needn't tell him you read the message later.
Hope that helps
...............................
|
