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male
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*ost_wit
writes: Sorry for the length of this. I can't find any way to tell my whole situation without going into this much detail. Anyway, here's the situation. Dated a girl for 5 years. We're both 23. We met in college, she had an abusive boyfriend from whom I saved her. Basically, she cheated on him with me for a few months, and eventually left him. She was my first everything - first kiss, first intimate relationship, first love. Throughout the course of our time together, she did a few things to damage our relationship. She cheated on me, she met new people for whom she left me (then realized her mistake and came crawling back within a day or two), etc. She even hit the low point of having slept with both me and another man in the same night (quite obviously without my knowledge). Anyway, basically, I never had the nerve to leave her. In my mind, this wasn't the true woman I was with - it was just a defense mechanism, or a character flaw that could be ironed out. I had faith that she would mature into a woman of marriage calibur. We talked about marriage often, and I really felt that we were leading up to it. However, during my last year at college (our fifth year together), things started to get a little stale. I was feeling unappreciated, and the more I reached out to her for help, the more she pulled away. I begged her to work on the way she treated me, because I felt that after everything we had been through, I deserved more. Eventually, things became sour and we mutually agreed that we should take a break and just be friends.Then I graduated and got a place of my own (we had been living together for about 3 years). A few weeks passed, and we remained in contact. The times we did see each other, we wound up kissing - or in bed. During one conversation, the topic of working on our relationship came up. She seemed interested in getting back together - and since I never really stopped loving her with all of me, the idea was appealing. Then, all of a sudden, unbeknownst to me, she met a man at some work function. All hell broke loose with our relationship. She became immediately distant, extremely rude, selfish, and mean towards me. I knew the behavior immediately. It was her defense mechanism. Force me to cut her off rather than let herself feel like an ass for jumping in bed with a new guy instead of working on our relationship. I tried to cut contact - but never fully succeeded.Here we are about 2 weeks after that day. I found out about the new guy. Yesterday would've been our 5th anniversary - and she spent it with him rather than honoring our plans for dinner which we had made a few weeks ago. (we figured, let's celebrate the happiness in our 5 years together). I was heartbroken. I decided it was best to completely cut off contact with her. But, that's really not my personality. As, I'm sure you can tell from my novella here. I've always been the type to forgive and forget and move on. I really need her in my life, but at the same time I know she's absolutely horrible for me right now. My fears are that I won't be able to find a new woman to help me move on. My hours at work are such that I'm awake at 2AM and asleep by 7PM. I don't have time to go out, see friends, meet new people. So, I'm stuck at home, basically, stewing in my misery.I spent last night (anniversary, remember?) going through a box I kept of all things sentimental relating to her. The ticket stub from our first date (it's in bad shape after 5 years), letters, notes, pictures, things she made for me, etc. I can't get over her - and even though I cut contact with her, she keeps trying to reach me. But every e-mail has an undertone which feels like she's trying to hurt me more. I'm absolutely lost as to what to do.Sorry again for the length of this. I could really use any advice anyone has.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): LEAVE HER and go clubbing and just flirt with all the pretty lasses and you will find love again with someone more suitable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2005): I concur with the other answer-End this relationship and all contact now because there is nothing like having an ex in one's life to keep you from moving on with your life and don't even think of finding a new woman to help you heal from this. That is the worst thing you could do to some poor, innocent woman. It's not her job to help you get over this relationship-this is YOUR job. You make darn sure you are fully healed and happy with yourself, before even thinking of dating again. Do the honorable thing for yourself and yes, even for her. You need some type of closure-you need to move on. Do some serious work on healing the emotional wounds you are carrying. Get back to a state of integrity and respect with yourself. You need to realize that you gave yourself to someone who didn’t value you enough. A truly loving partner is considerate and thoughtful, not self-centered and hurtful and not just fulfilling their own needs. You need to promise yourself better. You deserve more and better. Good Luck dear and I wish you the best.
Hugs, Irish
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A
female
reader, beenthere +, writes (9 November 2005):
she does not deserve her. block her email address if you can so she can't contact you. there are plenty of ways you can meet people. use the internet if necessary. look for people with a similar work pattern. don't sit at home thinking about a girl who is not good enough for you. you seem like a nice, genuine guy so you shouldn't have too much trouble meeting people. you just have to find the right place and time. if you can't do it that way, think about finding a new job with more sociable hours. you'll be on your way to meeting new paople as soon as you get an interview
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