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writes: My husband of 37 years started having and affair with his 37 year old secretary a year or more ago. I had no idea. I thought we were comfortable in our marriage and could trust him. Wrong. he started acting wierd, going in to work really early, staying late, not coming home for lunch etc. i thought it was just because he was working extra hard. he started staying on the computer all the time and put his cell phone on vibrate. That phone stayed by his side constantly. One day I walked in the room with our grandson and he nearly turned his chair over getting away from the computer. I knew right then he was having an affair. I did not know with who. I tried to figure it out but it took me a few weeks to figure out who it was. He started talking about his secretary all the time. Just little things but it was not like him to talk about her. He said he went to work very early one morning and caught her talking to her ex husband. The way he said it I knew it was her. he was so jealous and it showed. I kept quiet about it for several months hoping to find some real proof. I finally found some half nude pictures of her in his vehicle and found one email he sent to her telling her he loved her, wanted her and needed her most of all for the rest of his life. He had been coming up with ridiculous reasons to get out of the house on Sat or Sunday. Like going to get gas which took 30 minutes and we just live a few blocks from the station, also to go clean out his vehicle or wash it but it was never done. I finally confronted him but he would never admit it. I might have been able to get over it if he had admitted it but he would rather die that admit it. I cried and told him I knew everything and he said I dreamed it all up. I thought maybe if he knew he would stop seeing her but now they are just more careful. She has an office all alone and he is in there with her all the time. I have driven by a few times and every time his truck is there. I know he is in love with her and I am so broken. We never have sex, All I ever get from him is a pat on the head or a peck on the lips. I am so lonely. I never realized he did not love me. We have always been very close until now. Now I wonder if my entire marriage has been a lie. I asked him to get rid of her but he won't. Then he could not get sex from her at work anymore. She has a live in boyfriend that also works for my husband. I keep thinking he will figure it out but he must be an idiot. She is cheating right under his nose. I really hate her but I know he is the one pursuing her. I want to tell her boyfriend but I know this is going to open a huge can of worms. What should I do?
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reader, tornwife  +, writes (16 April 2013):
well my story is similar but when i reflect on all that has happened in the last two years i am kicking myself i have not divorced his sorry behind yet. I found an Olay list in his office brief two christmases ago and when i asked he gave me a sorry story about how his "male friend" asked him to purchase those items for his wife when next he travelled, oh just to let you know we live separately for the last two years now ok. I am getting my citizenship with my kids in the US and he stays in another country because of his job. so clearly the freedom to have the affair is there... anyways after i confronted him on the "list" many instances where he of course denied it was his, well after that were the incessant phone calls when he visited, the secretive phone calls, then one day i left home to go to the gym but before i left him i noticed he was behaving all strange so i decided to leave my phone recording and went off to the gym. Lo and behold when i got home i just instinctively felt all queazy inside and nervous then when i listened to the recording he called his secretary and told her " try when you are calling me you try to act professional" i wanted to die, i was devastated i could not believe my ears, when i confronted him he got more angry with me and without a word stormed out in vexation. Apart from all of that anytime we have an arguement and call him at the office he would put me on speakerphone and have his secretary listen in to everything, then one time he really cursed me badly and then to make matters worse put his secretary on the phone to talk down to me. I am torn to pieces, i no longer trust my husband of 16 years. I love him and try to put everything behind me but as the days go by i realise i cant get over and i have nightmares with everything that has happened . the last incident took place when i travelled to my country to spend some time with him last two weeks ago and while we were driving out our driveway he got a phonecall from a blocked number, i clearly heard the entire conversation from the person on the other end and she was asking him " can we talk now ? is it safe? " he looked at me in shock because he knew i heard then he shouted at the person saying " NO! WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME? NO!! ' then he hung up ... I wish i had answers to everything that happened to me in the last two years, i wish some good samaritan who knew some facts better than me can just come forward and save me from this hurt, i dont know how to fix my broken heart, i want to move on but i am so afraid , he hides his bank statements and credit card statements from me in his office so i wont have access to see it. can someone please give me some advice, i just want to get past this and move on with my life ...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2008): You need to divorce this jerk. If he won't get her out of his life then he is obviously still having a relationship with her. I know 37 years is a long long time but its time to cut your losses and find a better life. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2008): I wish I could take your pain away. This is the ultimate betrayal. It is so Wrong for him to pat you on the head like a child, then save his love for this other disgraceful woman.
By now I would think the shock and devastation has subsided a little, and it's time to think clearly again of your options.
I realize you probably don't like the thought of leaving a 37 yr. marriage. But is it really a marriage? No, it is not. Like others have said, he's left the marriage emotionally and physically. He's showing no remorse when you cried your feelings and confronted him with the truth. He chose her.
I'm asking you give your life a 2nd chance to be loved by another man with a deeper love. (In time, when you are ready)
You have the strength in you to do this. He may panic and try to convince you to stay, but his words would be insincere and unbelievable.
It's good to have some support from a trusted friend, or church family as you make decisions where to live,etc...most people are very compassionate in these situations and want to extend their help. The end of a marriage is like a death...and you're already in the grieving stages...But there is always hope to lift you up and give you a new look on a new day.
Caring for you,
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reader, sarcy24  +, writes (7 November 2008):
 My heart goes out to you because this is exactly what happened to me. I was in my mind very happily narried for 15 years and then my husband started working longer at the office, dropping this woman's name into the conversation and saying he had to go accompanied on business trips because this woman was apparently vital to the running of his team. I knew something was up as he was not remotely interested in anything to do with me or our son, everything focused on him going to work. After checking his phone and thinking about it in depth i realised he was having an affair with his secretary. It had been going on for a long time. Like you I questioned him and he denied it and I produced hotel bills and all sorts and he kept saying I was mad etc. I became so obseesed about his affair that I stopped eating, looking after myself and really let it get to me.
What I am trying to say to you is this man is no longer interested in you or your emotions thoughts or views he cares only for himself and his own happiness. They work together and share all sorts of little jokes, she no doubt gives him endless attention and it is all new and exciting to him. Mine also sent I love you so much and I will always be there for you type e-mails and things which made me sick to my stomach. There is no easy fix for this. The man has left the marriage emotionally and no amount of you being upset, telling him how many years he is throwing away, any guilt based comments is going to make him feel differently. This has taken me over 2 years to be able to see and accept this state and I know what you are going through. This secretary is cheating under his nose. Your husband is a fool and you don't need to bother telling her boyfriend anything it will all come out without you lowering yourself and getting involved.
Mine also became more secretive when found out, he covered his tracks more carefully but chose not to give her up. If you want to keep him you are going to have to play a waiting game. This will all turn sour but he needs to realise that by himself. There is no benefit to you trying to point this out to him or anything else as he will hate you for it. I know you are really upset but sit tight, keep going, eat and do things that you like. I made the mistake of being so angrty and bitter, I did everything you shouldn't do. I complained to his bosses about him, would not let him see his son, made everything for him incredibly difficult and drove him further and further away. We are now divorced.
Speaking as someone who did everything wrong my advice is just to carry on as you are but think only of you. Do not point out how stupid he is, try to make him guilty or interfere in his affair at all - leave well alone. Always behave calmly and rationally as if you are talking to a stranger and try to talk in a remote manner so he can't see how hurt you are. Keep the moral highground and your dignity in one piece so leave her boyfriend well alone.
Although the emotions and hurt and anger are intense at the moment this will settle a bit, keep your normal routine going and focus purely on you. I promise with a bit of time you will get over this and time will make things clearer. At the moment he is 'loved up' but that won't last and when things begin to become humdrum he will think about what he has with you and compare - so behave decently and you will come out tops. Thinking of you, xx
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reader, blackroses2989 +, writes (7 November 2008):
 Oh sweetheart I am so sorry and sympathize with and for you. The harsh truth of the matter is... it has probably been over for longer than you have realized. I hate to tell you that but its true. If he truely loved you still, he would never have done this. I can understand when it happens to younger couples a first time and they make light of it and move on, or perhaps a mid life crisis, however this doesn't seem like one of those "flings." It will be impossible for you not to hurt after this. My advice to you is that you need to try to get your husband to bring it up. Try to put him in a position to tell you. Try not to yell at him, it will be extremely hard not to. Bring up the question "Was our whole marriage a lie?" If you cannot put him in a position to tell you, then bring it up to him. Be suttle and ask how work is. Ask how his secratary is. Then tell him you know. Not in an angry tone, just a very honest one. The reason yu dont want him angry is because you have to live with him. You both will have things to sort out. But do ask him why he did not tell you. I think that is the ultimate betrayel. Its better to have wronged and confessed to your wife and been honest (not to say it wouldnt hurt) than to have hidden it from the woman hes loved and been with for 37 years. I hope you can resolve things, or at least be able to move on. If you do both move on, I sincerely hope you find someone to love and be loyal to you for the rest of your life, because its what you truely deserve. If you EVER need anyone to talk to please message me, I will always be here for anyone that needs me. If you eventually think you need a therapist, my mother's best friend is absolutly great, maybe I could help you set up something more proffessional online if you ever needed it. However if you would just like to talk, I will always be here. I'm so sorry darling, I hope it gets better, and I'm sure it will in time. *All the love in the world* ~blackroses2989~
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reader, blackroses2989 +, writes (7 November 2008):
Oh sweetheart I am so sorry and sympathize with and for you. The harsh truth of the matter is... it has probably been over for longer than you have realized. I hate to tell you that but its true. If he truely loved you still, he would never have done this. I can understand when it happens to younger couples a first time and they make light of it and move on, or perhaps a mid life crisis, however this doesn't seem like one of those "flings." It will be impossible for you not to hurt after this. My advice to you is that you need to try to get your husband to bring it up. Try to put him in a position to tell you. Try not to yell at him, it will be extremely hard not to. Bring up the question "Was our whole marriage a lie?" If you cannot put him in a position to tell you, then bring it up to him. Be suttle and ask how work is. Ask how his secratary is. Then tell him you know. Not in an angry tone, just a very honest one. The reason yu dont want him angry is because you have to live with him. You both will have things to sort out. But do ask him why he did not tell you. I think that is the ultimate betrayel. Its better to have wronged and confessed to your wife and been honest (not to say it wouldnt hurt) than to have hidden it from the woman hes loved and been with for 37 years. I hope you can resolve things, or at least be able to move on. If you do both move on, I sincerely hope you find someone to love and be loyal to you for the rest of your life, because its what you truely deserve. If you EVER need anyone to talk to please message me, I will always be here for anyone that needs me. If you eventually think you need a therapist, my mother's best friend is absolutly great, maybe I could help you set up something more proffessional online if you ever needed it. However if you would just like to talk, I will always be here. I'm so sorry darling, I hope it gets better, and I'm sure it will in time. *All the love in the world* ~blackroses2989~
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