A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years. 2 girls before me, he dated a girl for around 3 or 4 years. They've been broken up for over 5 years now. They had an awful relationship where they fought, physically and verbally. She pretty much ruined his life and to this day he hates her. While they were together she cheated, got pregnant and told my boyfriend it was his. Once he signed the birth certificate he found out it wasn't. He was devastated. He hasn't seen her since their breakup 5 years ago and never talks about her unless it's been general chit chat about our past relationships.My boyfriend and I went out tonight and celebrated Thanksgiving together. We had an awesome day together and couldn't have asked for anything better. I had to make a stop at Walgreens so he wanted to go in with me. While he and I are standing in the checkout line, I notice he's looking at someone that walked in the store. He quickly turned his head away from her and I could see this "i wish i wasnt here right now" look on his face. I look to my left and his ex was walking by and she was staring at me. As soon as I saw who it was my happy mood completely faded and I became enraged. Why? I'm not entirely sure. He told me he didn't even want to be in the store where she was so he was going to go outside and wait for me to check out. That was the 1st thing that pissed me off... because if she's irrelevant then why run away? Why try to hide? He told me because he "hates that bitch" and he can't stand being in the same area as her. I got mad, 2nd, for the fact that he acknowleged her to the point that she stared at me as she walked by. He said he was staring at the door as people were coming in and there she was, once he realized it was her he turned away.I became so jealous and angry that we fought and I left without us saying goodbye to one another. All I can think about is how he saw her and what he really thought and what if he went home and "beat it" to her. I know, just reading this as I type it sounds really stupid and probably like a 13 year old. This is the ex who stands out because of all the drama and bullshit in their relationship. She's the one fucked him over the most so she's the one that irritates me and the one that is most talked about by other people. Anyway, our night is ruined and we haven't spoken since I left about an hour and a half ago. I know that my boyfriend didn't do anything wrong - it's just the situation - but I'm so angry and jealous over this. And how he acted didn't really make things any better.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (29 November 2014):
Realistically speaking, you should know what he really means when he says that she is irrelevant. You should be able to understand his situation considering his past with her. Aren't you the one dating him? These are the types of situations where you should be a shoulder or support your man. I understand that you feel inadequate because you are not in control of his hatred, but consider you could have been the one to be there for him instead. This an important aspect of being with someone.
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (28 November 2014):
 I agree with all the other aunts/uncles. You screwed up. You directed your anger at the wrong person. Your boyfriend didn't want to be in anywhere near her and so he walked outside. I have been in a situation like yours before and when I seen the ex husbandI just wanted to get as far away from him as possible. He beat me and hurt me in the worst ways and trust me, I sure didn't feel love for him!
You are in your 30's..not a young girl. Swallow your anger/hurt/pride and go apologize to the man. He didn't do anything wrong but you did. Make it right. Don't let a horrible ex ruin your present/future relationship.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (28 November 2014):
Wow, lady, get a grip on yourself. I could understand your feelings if you were very, very young, but you are a fully grown woman in your thirties.
Why is she even a topic of conversation anymore? How is anybody hating her so much five years later? I have an ex who once beat me within an inch of my life and even I have moved on.
Masturbating to her? REALLY? Yes, you're right, that sounds stupid. Seek therapy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2014): Crikey. You ruined your own night. YOU ruined your own night. He didn't do anything wrong. Can you imagine how angry and disgusted you'd feel with someone who lied to you about the paternity of a child. She is scum and his reaction is absolutely normal. Yes you got jealous and insecure but for goodness sake fix this. She is long gone. Do not let her ghost haunt what is a great relationship. Call your boyfriend now and organise a nice romantic outing to make up. You have to be sensitive because that relationship must have been traumatic for him. He has managed to move on but you have to realise that it is only human to never want to be close to that person again. Love him and make him happy. Pick up the phone right now or head over there and pick up the good spirit where you left off. Sulking and getting wound up about 'the situation' is only making you miserable for nothing. You have absolutely nothing to gain by letting this tension continue. Nothing!
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (28 November 2014):
 He reacted the way he did because he still has feelings for her - feelings of hatred, because of how she treated him. Of course he didn't want to be there.
You shouldn't have got angry with him over this. You should have been angry at her, not him. You've handled this very badly, and I think you need to apologise to him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 November 2014):
 He couldn't have acted any more noble than he did last night. The fact that he chose to walk outside and get some air was the BEST thing he could have done, yet you were thinking he went home and masturbated to her?!? Sorry, but I think you won the bad behavior medal last night.
You could have seized the golden opportunity to be his knight in shining armor, comforting him and causing your relationship to grow amazingly. Don't you realize that this other woman traumatized him??? I mean, this is the sort of thing that can put lesser men into therapy. THAT is why he left. That was the best thing for him to do. Sorry you wanted him to "not react", but if you really thought about it, you'd be accusing him of lying and not really hating her if he acted all nonchalant when he saw her.
You need to get a serious grip on your insecurity and jealousy, because the way you acted about this could bring down your relationship with your boyfriend. He was looking to YOU for comfort, not this ex who was horrible. Sorry, but passing another man's baby off as his to cover up cheating is among the lowest, bottom-feeding, hateful, despicable, and hideous thing a girl can do to not just the guy, but her baby who is innocent. She lied to both him, the state, and the child as to his or her real dad. Such a thing should be criminally actionable for fraud.
You need to get over yourself right now, because what you're doing is pouring salt on his very real wound. You can't get pissed because he HAS this wound. Some things heal with scars, like the person who had a bad car accident still feels changes in pressure or may have backaches or shoulder aches for the rest of his life.
You've got to make it right, and if you can't get past yourself for this, then you need professional help to deal with this baggage you have before it ends this relationship and sabotages all of your relationships.
If I were to see something like this, my anger would have been at HER for hurting the man I love like that, even if it were in the past before my time. I'd want to take a pliars, rip all of her teeth out, and break her fingers with a hammer. Of course, I wouldn't do these things for real, but I'd consider her the lowest form of pond scum. Then I'd spend the rest of the night showing my guy how much better his life is with a much better person (me). The thought of him beating off to her would have made both of us puke.
Your boyfriend did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, you did. You can make it right though, and salve his pain. It isn't too late.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 November 2014):
 You're angry because this girl was such an important part of your boyfriend's life and the fact that she was there before you. That he ever loved someone else, that they shared all that history, that they had something which can never be erased.
OP your feelings are probably natural but you're blaming your boyfriend over no fault of his. OP not everyone has the same reactions and just because he didn't react in the way that you wanted him to or that you thought was right, doesn't mean that his behavior was wrong. He didnt do anything OP, it was YOU who hit the roof over something so irrelevant. YOU are the one giving the ex way too much importance and power when in reality, she has no space in either of your lives.
Dont feel jealous OP, he's with you now because he chooses to be with you. He doesnt want anything to do with her and he's made that clear. Don't make him pay for his past OP, you're being very unfair on him. He cant help his past and he probably DOES hate her as much as he says and he really cant stand to be in the same room as her. I don't think even I could bear to be in the same room as my ex either because I just cant stand the sight of him. That doesn't ever mean that I have any residual feelings for him, it just means that I don't ever want to lay eyes on him because I cant stand him.
Don't ruin your night for someone this irrelevant OP. You had such a beautiful day together, now dont behave like a petulant child and ruin everything. Call him up, apologize for the way you behaved and dont ever let the past dictate your present.
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