A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in the most difficult situation that I have ever been. I am 34 years old, married and have an 8 month old baby girl. About 2 years ago I hired a woman to work for me who was 6 years younger than I was. After about 3 months I knew that I was attracted to this woman. She was dynamic, smart and attractive. She was, at the time married, and had a 3 year old little girl. Over the first year working together we traveled a lot and got to know each other really well. I became more and more attracted to her and her to me. 15 months ago we did act on it and have been in the most intense and loving relationship of my life.This happened just weeks after finding out my wife was pregnant. Her marriage deteriorated and this was brought to a climax by an unexpected pregnancy. She wasn’t sure if the child was mine or his. She had an abortion because she was unsure of the father and didn’t want to be trapped by her husband. I was supportive and loving while she was making this difficult decision and her husband was evil and horrible to her the whole time. Now she’s divorced. The divorce was so hard on me because her husband treated her so horribly and she didn’t fight back. I was supportive through the whole thing. This woman is who I believe is my true love. I have never felt a relationship like this. It is incredible. The love is so strong. There have been some really hard bad times in our tenure but I love her more today that ever before. Three weeks ago she told me she couldn’t wait for me anymore. She’s divorced been divorced since Januraruy. We would talk every day and keep telling each other how much we loved one another. Less than two weeks after she ended it with me, she tells me that she went on a date with a new person while I was on vacation. She said that it was totally PG and that the only thing that happened was a closed mouth kiss. Now she communicates with this new guy daily, but tells me that she loves me and only wants to be with me, but can’t wait around for me to figure out my issues. I know that I need to leave my wife and am starting counciling next week to work through my issues. I still really want to be with this woman and win her back. She still says I’m the love of her life. She wants us to be together forever., but is still progressing forward with this new man. I feel I am rushing my divorce to be with her. Am I fool to think that this relationship could work out after my divorce with a new man (very early stages of the relationship) in her life? Does she really love me when she can start a new relationship two weeks of telling me she was devastated? Last night she told me that she still only wants to be with me. I poured my heart out to here and she said she felt the same. I just think that I am setting myself up for the worst heartbreak ever.
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female
reader, wildrose28 +, writes (7 June 2010):
Also I don't agree with people who bash you just because you don't love your wife. That is natural and you're not the first person it has happened to. Some people just can't deal with the thought. So don't take the bashing to heart OP.
A
female
reader, wildrose28 +, writes (7 June 2010):
“When is it my turn to be #1”?
Yeah when is it her turn? How will she know that you love her? If you're going to do it and deal with consequences you need to do it right. Be there for her maybe she doesn't want to get attached to you if you aren't going to leave your wife for her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): you have such moral convictions regarding your lover, what about your wife?moral high ground taken regarding the lovers employment, what about your wife?"I am still unsure if I am going to be in my marriage for the long term.", you have given it all to your lover, what about your wife?you justify your lovers behaviour and needs, what about your wife?WHAT ABOUT YOUR WIFE????
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): "........but as I sort through my feelings I may find that this is just not the person whom I should be with...."
WHAT is so sad and so wrong of you, OP, is that you are willing to steal your wife's best years while you work on yourself and then may decide that she is not the roght one for you. Selfish, selfish, selfish, how dare you play with your wife's life. You know that you do not want her , you know that you are merely wasting her time, her energies. How much more selfish are you.
I have responded twice her, this is my 3rd response. I was congratulating you that you finally see your mistress for what she is and have ended it BUT YOU just continue to take from your wife. So you will continue working with OW, She will slowly creep back into your life.
You are so cold, when it comes to your wife, so dominating/ domineeing??? Why do you not release her to find happiness elsewhere, where is the compassion for this lady in your life that has borne you a child. Surely she deserves more from you, you that will throw her away when you have finished with her. Where is the human feelings of kindness when dealing with your wife. You only want the best for your mistress, what about your wife.
I note that both you and your lover have similar tendencies, it only about what you want, me, me, me, me.
Shame on me for you fooling me for the second time. Thank God, i was able to quickly see through &reveal your true nature. What has your wife done to you, nothing. Yet you heartlessly choose to do with her as you please. Have mercy, at least. I see a controlling man who has so many issues, your poor wife will be better off than with you ,making her life miserable. And sadly, you have.
Sadly, you will reap what you sow, you sowed destruction, pain, heartache, betrayal regarding your wife.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (11 April 2009):
 I feel sorry for your wife. Blinded by what kind of husband she married.
I don't want to bash you, but I think about how she was oblivious to your betrayal. How many times did you call her and tell her you would be "working late", while you
stay back for the OW.
Here she is thinking what a happy family she is creating with you, and you are thinking of leaving her someone who you think is a better woman.
Well the grass is always greener on the other side.
Your mistress is manipulating you and you've fallen for it.
What you guys have is not love.
It is lust, infatiuation, desire and pure sex.
That will not last long term my friend.
You're foundation is so shaky that you guys will never built anything solid together.
Just admit it, You felt trapped, were bored, and thought a lil harmless fun wouldn't hurt anybody.
You didn't think with the right head.
I think you and your wife should go to counseling.
Work out your issues. You loved her at one time to marry her, and if that love is truly gone, then you should set your wife free so she can find a better man than you.
Forget about your mistress.
Think about it. Do you want a woman who didn't know who the father of her baby was. Someone who got an abortion?
What kind of wonderful woman is that???
And did you see her exhusband abuse her with your own eyes or these just words she said. of course she will paint herself in the best light.
She's dangerous and I would run from her.
Trust your instinct, because if that woman truly love you like you said she did.
She wouldn't even think about being with someone else. She doesn't love you. She might even be using you to further her career. who knows.
The point is you F up big time.
If you want to make it right, I would confess to your wife and let the chips fall where they might.
Either she leaves, or maybe you both can work this out to make you a stronger couple.
Whatever the case, you are an adult now.
time to grow up and be a man. Concentrate on your babygirl.
Give the love to her, not some hoe in the workplace.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): Work what out? All we have got from you is everything about the OW as everyone has called her and that you had an affair. You have not once mentioned “IT”
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbecause I beleive that I will not be able to work it out if I do
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): Why don't you want to tell your wife?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would never ever fire her. She and I made a mistake. That is not the punishment for it. I don't even want her to be punished. I want her to find her true self and realize that the behavior is destructive and painful to her and other. She is secure in her job now let's let her become secure in herself, just not with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): Please don't fire that woman. she don't deserve that. i do want to say that i was in this situation last year and i do work with him everyday. his wife did find out. however we are business and thats it now. he still loves me and i love him. but it was wrong for us to be together at that time. If you be very strong with this and have faith in yourself to keep it strictly business it want be that hard to work with her. Stay strong and good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe last poster was totally correct. I must be professional with this person. Also she isn't some low level admin either. We both made a choice and she doesn't deserve to lose her job for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): so now this lady is fired because she slept with him. OMG if every person that has had an affair in the workplace was fired then our economy would be great plenty of jobs avail. i agree that he should stay away from her but fire her. No there is a such thing called transfer from one department to another. also i am almost willing to bet you that if you tell your wife and make a clean start you will most likely start alone. you will have to time to collect your thoughts without her. i have been there i know. why do you think i'm alone. i told my husband and well i guess you can tell what happen next. however at the same time he was cheating as well. i guess were even. but i feel alot better being away from him. good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMany of you have had great ideas and I am going to follow the main one with fervor; end this relationship with the OW. Whatever her security issues are it seems that she not only need to have a BF at all times, but she needs to have a backup plan if that one doesn’t work out. She was running a side game on me for about 6 weeks before she decided to date this other guy. I am still not sure if it was one date or multiple, sexual or not. I can’t really believe a word that comes out of her mouth right now so I chose to think the worst. She has compared me to her ex several times in the past week. I understand the ex’s perspective now more than ever. The jealousy, anger, and lack of trust that he had towards her is creeping into me. She creates it! It won’t be me. I would like to know if anyone out there has actually told their spouse about their affair and how it turned out. I would also like to know if someone has kept it from their spouse and is still married. If so are they happy or unhappy. This is the hardest piece of advice I have been given from many of you. I am still unsure if I am going to be in my marriage for the long term. I am certainly not going to leave it for this woman, but as I sort through my feelings I may find that this is just not the person whom I should be with. If that’s the case does it really benefit her to know of my infidelity and the self doubt that would bring her? I would take all this back if I could. I would man up and figure out what was wrong with me before anything happened. I am so sorry that this happened. It has brought me to a turning point in my life that is scary, and uncertain. I know that I need to be here to allow myself to find the truth of who I am and how I should live in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): Original poster, you still defend your lover. SHE IS A bad person. You know it, you just cannot admit it, by admitting it, it makes you realise just how low you stooped with that character. You hust revealed her her straits in your last post.
Yes, you have some soul searching to do but how do you mend your wife's heart. You say that "My wife may have been the wrong woman,........" is she truly the wrong woman for you? How do you know that? How do you then work towards her becoming your true woman, true love that you so desperately crave? Does she need to know that you are unhappy? Absolutely. Do you tell her about your affair or hide it? If you truly want a fresh beginning, you need to tell her the truth so that you both can heal and re build your lives. She is none the wiser to all the drama in your life. Surely she deserves the truth, surely she needs to know what went wrong between you two. Then only can this marriage work. If you try to rebuild, based on more lies, deception, and half truths, this marriage would not have the strong foundation that it now desperately needs. Please too many times you have fallen short in your marriage, you CAN make it work, only if you give 100% to it.
This OW, still works for you. How can you and your marriage survive if she is still around. If you do not distance yourself fully from her, it will only be a matter of time before you are back in her web, of lies, deceit and the vicious cycle will continue. She is the bane in your life, she is the obstacle that you are facing. You need to be rid of her. I know I am harsh but for too long you have prioritised her, for too long you and her have stolen from your wife, for too long you and her have humiliated your wife, for too long you & her have deceived your wife, Frankly it just been too long for everything associated with her. You have that chance to rectify your mistakes BUT YOU CANNOT IF SHE IS STILL IN YOUR LIFE. You spebd so many hours per day "just talking" to her, do you both get any work done?
You have stolen so much from your family and wife. Surely now you can see this. Unfortunately you need to rid yourself of this woman in her ENTIRITY. She is the destructive force around you. I am glad slowly you can see, bit by bit her true nature. You know that she is a major problem in your life. How to get rid of her, though. Just reading a bit about her, she will not think twice about taking you to a Labour union. Then your goose will be cooked further.
Please think about coming clean to your wife about your affair. That may just save your marriage in the end, if you want to. You think of yourself as a good person, now is the time to really prove it:
- end the affair .Now. No more even comfort sex. NOTHING.
- discuss with your wife the pitfalls of your marriage. Tell her the truth
- conselling for you ( to deal with your issues)
- marriage counselling to deal with your problems
- Ow in the workplace, what do you do. Retrench her is the best thing, seeing that our economic crunch is so rife. this is the perfect answer. Hard but it is now survival time.
- be the best father you can be
- work at being the best husband you can be, it will take a long time but i can assure you, it will be worth it.
- later on employ someone else, for now surely you can do without a "receptionist/admin lady". I don't know what other role your employee was employed for. perhaps your wife can also help out, if she has the time and so forth.
- do not throw in the towel. Your marriage can survive. Just be honest, for a change.
AND PLEASE LEARN FROM THIS EYE OPENER, ADULTERERS MESS UP BIG TIME, SOMETIMES THERE IS NO SECOND CHANCE. COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY THAT YOU HAVE THIS SECOND CHANCE.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): You are a good person, you have just realised your reality. You can see that you handled your situation wrong. No person can make you happy, only you can make yourself happy. Love does exists always has, you don’t have to look for it or create it. It’s there in everyone and everything. The decisions you make are the crutch of the matter. You did not have to pursue a relationship with this other women. All you did was, you made a bad choice. It’s what you do now that can turn all this around.
The reality is you cannot love another, and no one can love you until you love yourself and your world.
You said “I really wanted this woman to be my true love” The idea of wanting true love is what you want not this women. You met and lust and drama has fuelled your relationship with her, you wanted it to work so badly, you started rationalizing with yourself. All you need to do is trust yourself more and make an appointment with the therapist. They will help you find what you want and will work through your lack of self-love or respect, often linked to childhood experiences. Good luck and keep us posted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis whole experience has been extremely helpful. I have had an immense amount of time to think about this lately. I know that there will be a lot more time needed before I really figure out what happened here and why.
As many of you have posted I have done a horrible wrong. I am deeply sorry for those who it affected or will affect. The actions have no valid excuse, but they do have a reason. I am going to seek that reason with all my being to see what was missing in my life that caused me to make this horrible choice.
For those of you that gave me strong and creative criticism I am very grateful. I believe that there are no truly bad parties in this situation. The OW, as she has been named, is not a bad person. Is she a bad person for me? Absolutely! There is little happiness that can come from pursuing anything more with her.
Did she play me? Yes! Did she do it on purpose, I may never know. I see her as a person who needs to examine their life as much or more than I do. She didn’t do any counseling before her divorce or after; she may have lied to me, her husband, the new guy and others. This is a girl who has a very important part of her being missing. She doesn’t ever fully feel loved. I have heard this in many different ways from her. In her exact words, “When is it my turn to be #1”? I feel so very bad for her knowing that she is going to look for meaning in the actions of another and not through the knowledge of self. It will only continue to bring her sadness and heartbreak.
I told her she was a boyfriend girl; she has been in some type of relationship since she was 16 years old. Even after divorcing her husband she was in a relationship with me and when she no longer felt that was enough she moved on to the next thing available. This is the behavior of a person who really needs to find themselves. A desperate sad soul.
I ask all of you who have interest in my situation to please wish her good thoughts for finding her true self, and happiness. She is not a slut or a bad person just a very confused soul who is looking for self affirmation in the worst way possible.
I know, through all of your help, that she is certainly not the one who is going to make me happy. She’s not worth leaving my wife for, and she isn’t good for me at all. It is time for me to move on to a place where I know what is missing from my life, and not try to fill it with her. There are two people who are in a lot of pain in my story and it is self inflicted. To some it is pain that isn’t knows. I will make a final decision through therapy if it ever needs to be known to my wife. Sometimes situations like this only benefit the person who is telling the other person. This being said because the situation doesn’t exist anymore.
I am always open to more comments on ways to start my self journey. You all have been great. I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): I have been keeping a close watch on your situation. i knew you would come back with a response like the last one you sent. To be honest I am proud of you for seeing that this is not the true love you need. i do think you have the right idea about finding out with reason why you turned to another woman to begin with. everyone that does this is not just doing it for the hell of it. there is something missing in your marriage or you would not be in the situation you are in now. I am sorry that you are hurting because of the OW. She played with your feelings and you know that special attention that is given by the OW has filled a place within your heart that had a hole in it. If you had no holes then she would not have been able to get in. I think although you have done wrong, but you are not alone i can almost promise you that everyone who has responded has been where you are. so they make you feel horrible and you take what they say and move on. My advice would be talk to your wife find out what is missing. you can to that with communication. that is a strong part of a relationship. Lack of Communication between two partners can cause discord fast. I wish you all the best in the world. I hope you stay strong. take control of your feelings. Never settle for less than you deserve. I don't think you are bad just because you made a mistake. if that is the case then everyone on here is bad. Good Luck my friend
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere truly is comfort in the company is strangers. I will cast the stone at myself. I am extremely regretful and sorry about what I have done. I am in all ways a very bad person! My excuses are weak and so is my resolve. I am very grateful for all of your comments. They have helped me in a way that I couldn’t imagine possible.
This woman, though I still love her, is bad news. Love can be toxic and I need to back away before it gets worse. She mentioned times that the husband was jealous and also told her that she was selfish. I see now that this is true. She calls herself a serial monogamist. . I guess she really is just a scared little insecure girl who uses the emotions of others to make her feel good. The one poster said it correct; she just likes to have a man around to make herself feel good. I was this man when she was married, and now that I can’t give her constant attention I am thrown away. I didn’t mention that she slept with her ex at the height of the worst times with her hubby, and this was after she moved out. She would cry to me how bad it was, but she was spreading her legs for him. It hurts, I have talked to her all day today, but I believe that she has been thrown away by this other guy. So I’m back in play. Not anymore!
If I am not good enough for her to want to stick with me through my hard times then she really doesn’t love me. I didn’t walk away from her when times were tough, I should have. Mostly because I was so wrong in what I was doing. Now that she is single I’m not enough. It makes me sick but I am seeing things with open eyes now, thanks to all of you. Hell, I hadn’t even thought about the KISS. I am sure it was more. Man do I feel like a chump.
There is a reason that I have cheated on my wife. I am unsure what it is. I have been so sad and down lately that I can barely take it. It doesn’t make it right, but I need to figure out what is wrong with me. I have ruined my life, and need to take a look deep down into myself and figure out what would make me do what I did.
I like many of you would have thought the same thing about me as you do. I am truly doing something that is really wrong. I can never make it up to my wife. She didn’t deserve my actions and I am going to pay for them. In my defense, I also believe that I have serious issues that need to be address. My wife may have been the wrong woman, but this wasn’t the way to solve that problem.
Do you believe that I can, through therapy become a good person again? I feel so hollow inside and can’t explain my actions. I really wanted this woman to be my true love. I am now back to wondering if love even exists. What a fool I am! I just would like to know what I should do next. Can I recover?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): As I observe your comments combined with those helping you, I have the distinct impression you are closed to changing the situation you've created. I am inclined to think you merely ache for cheerleaders to support where your passion is now channelized.I really think you are beyond reach - you've repeated yourself in various ways such that I'm not convinced you are open to advice as much as you are open to someone helping you lick the wounds.Everyone has offered legitimate and viable considerations and yet your position actually becomes firmer.I'm interested in hearing your story in ten years my friend. I hope you choose the right thing.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): You need to grow up. You're not a teenage anymore. You have a kid. If you leave your family for this woman, whom I think has manipulated you, I think you'll end up getting bored and tired of her. Life isn't easy. Take care of what you have -- grass is greener on teh side that's watered -- some of the comments you have received are spot on. No excuses. You need to take charge of your life. Have you thought that maybe her husband was right? Or that she was making it a lot of it up? I think you're being trapped by this woman, wven the new BF story. Wake up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): PLEASE POST THIS MESSAGE:
Interestingly your lover knows how to play the game, and boy is she playing it, and you at the same time. She is actually using this other man, keeping you updated of the progress in this relationship, so that obviously you feel threatened and well, will start divorce proceedings against your wife. What a clever, clever mistress. I think her true colours are beginning to show, and you are so foolish not to see it.
So, you feel insecure, feel threatened by this other man, what do you do/ Still confess your undying love and devotion to her. I have read your “reasonable” explanation of your recent post, and you know what you are so delusional. So, her bad, bad husband was accusing your lover of “and accuse her of sleeping with everyone she knew”, DIDN’T SHE DO WHAT HE ACCUSED HER OF. She did not think twice to hop into bed with her married boss, did she. He obviously knew her better than anyone else, he certainly knew her better than you. Your head is in the clouds with this woman. You give her so much credit. Yet just as she betrayed her husband with you, she is doing the same to you. Well, what goes around comes around. And you just believe the closed mouth kiss. So much of revealing info from this person. She was very chaste with this other man, amazing isn’t it. So she didn’t lie to her bad, bad husband about you, and she certainly isn’t lying to her very naïve lover right now, is she. This woman knows how to play the game, HER WAY. And you just follow thought. You are putty in her hands, and she knows it. She knows the power she wields and will not stop until she gets you. I actually think she can have you. Within 2/3 years you will be on your lonesome anyway. And guess what, she will tell her NEXT LOVER all about you her bad, oh so bad (what will you be to her? Her lover still or her husband).
Your excused for this woman is pathetic. She deserved what she got from her husband. Isn’t it amazing how this whore has painted the horrible picture of her ex, her ex that was not f*cking around as she did and continues to. Please do not tell me you want this person to be the mother of your child. Oh, no!!!!!!!!!!!
You obviously will not end this with this person, I hope that your wife finds a true somebody and leaves you. She deserves a real man not a pathetic excuse for a husband. You have really no idea what devastation you are bringing to your family. And by reading your post YOU JUST DON’T CARE. Your wife will be better of with another man who will value her and YOUR CHILD. He will make a home for her and your child. As for you , you just keep it up with your OW. I actually feel sorry for you when this OW finishes with you. You are at her mercy and she is having you, hook, line and sinker. You made up your mind already, have this sloppy seconds, you won’t be her last. Babes, she is just not only dating but keeping her options open. She likes having a man around, it doesn’t matter if he is a married man, any man will do. How quickly did she organize the date, babysitting and so forth– smart, very smart!
A rose by another other name is still a rose, a slut by any other name……………You are so defensive trying to explain away your OW’s behaviour. Your words reveal just how much weaker you are. Defensive, weak, immoral, so many names to call you right now. What makes a man. Can you call yourself that, you have compromised so much, you have destroyed so much. What quality of a person are you. I already know the kind your mistress is. You know it too. You are just too much of a coward to admit it. Like attracted to like. You are so focused and obsessed with this person, you only commented/mentioned both your wife and daughter once. Surely they should mean more to you. Or now its all about your lover and you. You don’t care about your wife and child. You didn’t even acknowledge your wife and the hurt you are causing her/ have caused her. You are such a sad excuse for a father let alone a husband. What kind of sad pathetic “man” are you. You go on and on about your lover and you. I think that you two cheaters, homewreckers actually deserve each other. You two very “honorable” people are so well suited to each other. You have been f*cking around with this pathetic excuse of a woman for so long, that you cannot see right from wrong. You actually choose not to see the wrongs of your way. Your f*ck buddy can have you. That is what you both want so why stop now.You are actually not worth the time of day. I wish your wife wakes up and kicks you out of her home. I wish your wife is actually doing the dirty on you with a close friend of yours. Now that would be interesting. You in a difficult situation? No way, you got the cake, the cream and the icing right now.
Buddy, next time, old saying, don’t shit at the place you eat. Meaning stop the f*cking around, and messing with your wife’s life. Bad words but oh so apt! I am still shaking my head in disbelief as I end this message. You deserve what is coming to you. Miserable, self centered, adulterer.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): The OP is not even sorry or remorseful that he finds himself in this situation. It’s all about his lover and himself. He has already left his wife and his baby. This is so sad because his wife is not he cheating, lying partner here, he is yet he feels no sadness at the ending of his marriage. What kind of person, wrecks havoc in his marriage, yet is only concerned about his lover. What kind of person, embarks on an affair when his wife is newly pregnant, what kind of person continues this affair and wants to abandon his child. What kind of mistress tries to ensure all of this treachery and misery to the innocent ones. I say you are perfectly matched. KARMA & its association is a valuable lesson to be taught in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): You need to trust yourself. Listen to that feeling “I just think that I am setting myself up for the worst heartbreak ever.” It’s a warning, subconsciously your mind is telling you to listen. You seem to mention doubts a few times in your post.Your affair started weeks after finding out your wife was pregnant. What were your feelings towards your wife at that time? Why did you marry your wife in the first place?What attracted you to the women at work at that time? Besides dynamic, smart and attractive. You are seeing only one side of this women and it’s her best side, the one she wants you to see.You know what I see amongst all this crap you are creating in your life, is a nice bloke who just wants to be loved. My advice to you is to let the women at work go. She does not know what she wants, her actions are very clear. You are married and need to work through that without outside influence i.e. leave your marriage without influence or hast. Go to your counseling sessions .Open up to your wife and sort your marriage out. I hope you find your path and find what you are looking for.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): this man has done the wrong thing, yet the male poster is criticized for his comments. you are condoning his cheating, betrayal and lies yet you have negative words for the male poster.the male poster is just seeing the true situation for what it really is. his comments are justified. stop making excuses for the OP, who will get his just desserts. wrong is wrong, so please stop trying to sugar coat it , justify it and label it anything else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I honestly think if she loves you the way she says she would have waited for you to do what you needed to do at home to be with her. She could be running between two guys you and the one that she is see now. hard to tell. I wouldn't make a move just yet. She is playing you I think. I am still waiting on my special other. No other man involved and yes i cry at night to from loneliness but im not crying to another man i just want him. I really feel your pain. It is very hard to be in love with someone and really not know what to do or where to turn. I also think she is just using that child of hers a prop of insecure to be with another man. Im raising my kids fine alone with one job and there are two of them. She don't need a man to help. IF SHE LOVES YOU SHE SHOULD HAVE WAITED ON YOU. I wish my special other was as quick as you are to move out. But the right timing is everything. If you have trust issues and not even together that is a major problem. I have been waiting a year. She can't wait six months and you actually have made her understand that you will be with her. Please she is playing you like a deck of cards. I hope you find that out before you make the wrong move.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor all of you that responded to my request for help I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I must clarify some things . Many of your comments brought more questions to my mind.
I am still madly in love with this woman. We got to know each other as people before we knew each others problems. I fell in love with her because I thought that she was intelligent, kind and beautiful. We told each other our feelings before we knew each other wasn’t happy. I had no knowledge of her problems until we were intimate.
Our relationship put light on what could be good in a relationship for her. He was abusive, he would throw things at her, call her horrible names, and accuse her of sleeping with everyone she knew, even her girlfriends. This woman isn’t into that at all. All of this was happening long before meeting me or ever doing anything of the sort.
Cheating is wrong I know this. I hate that I have done this to my wife. I am terrified of what might happen to my relationship with my daughter. I wake her up every morning to take her to daycare and that little smile is the best thing ever. I have read though that being in a bad relationship is no way to teach a child to love. They will end up just like you, unhappy and scared.
To clarify her divorce became final in Janurary. She left her husband in September during a fight where he was throwing things at her and breaking her stuff. Things were very hard for her, and it hurt me to see her hurt. It hurt me to know that there was nothing I could do about it and I couldn’t be there when she needed someone to hold her and cry. She kept making the same mistakes over and over, and got hurt the same every time. I just couldn’t understand how the person I know cold take this abuse.
3 weeks ago to this day she told me that she could no longer deal with the agony of waiting. She cried all the time because of the pain of not being with me. She said that she should be #1 in a relationship and do the things that regular couples do. I agree. I just don’t understand how she can then say that she only wants to be with me.
It’s shocking to me is that she was able date so quickly. She was devastated by having to make this decision, at least that is what she told me. We sat together and cried about how it was hard and I understood what she was doing. Two weeks later she is dating! How can the healing be so quick? The date had to be arranged even sooner to provide care for her daughter. I just don’t see how she should could have grieved enough to want to do this. It just seems so self serving, or at least very insecure behavior. “I am going to find someone give me a relationship, even if it’s not the one I really want,” she must be saying.
I feel like when times get tough she will get going. I am having real trust issues with her and I need someone who I can totally trust to get me through this tough time ahead. This is the only trust issue I have had but I think it is a real big one. Don’t you?
We have talked for at least 10 hours in the last two days about almost every thing. I feel such a connection to her again. I realize why I fell in love with her to begin with.
Is she just using this other man to get closer to me, if so do I want to be part of that type of game? Is she so insecure that she will try to find love wherever she can get it, even when it is me who she wants.
Am worried I am rushing things. I feel that if I don’t do something right now I will lose her forever. I am also aware that this new mister right might not be communicating with her so she’s back to me. He has been communicating a lot through email, text etc. but there is still not second date and it’s 5 days after the last one. So is she coming back to me because this one didn’t work or does she truly realize her feelings from our long discussions? I just think that I am still kidding myself that she really is truly in love with me. She is going through the motions with another, maybe, but wants me. I have been so devastated that I can’t even think of another, much less go through the motions. Should I just end it with her and seek clarity because she really doesn’t love me the way I do her, or is she my true love and just confused?
Please bring all comments! I need to hear them all. Those who support my decisions are great, and so are those of you who think I am horrible. I value you all!
Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I understand what you are feeling like. I was in the same position as you. however i am divorce and now i am waiting for my love to do what he thinks is best. He says that he is going to divorce as well. I believe him so here i am alone waiting. I don't date or go out with anyone other than him. but as for you it is my opinion that this lady that you are in love with is not in love with you. If she was she would wait for you. Honestly I think if you leave your wife and child you will end up lonely and brokenhearted with no where to go. You say she divorced her husband in January and ended it with you as well. She don't love you the way you love her. I am still waiting your him to divorce and its been a year. I sit a night and cry while i wait. I do talk to him and he says im trying to get things together. it want be much longer. I have waited a year so far. I have given a date for him and it something doesn't change by then, then i'm not waiting anymore. I love him so much and he loves me. its not like any love i have ever felt with anyone i have been with. its so magical. However i think everynight that I set myself up because he's not with me yet. Please make sure you know what the right thing is here. I would love to talk to you privately about your relationship. I wish you the very best in any desision you make. Make sure that your baby and wife are taken care of. If you choose to leave let your wife know exactly what your concerns, worries, and feelings are toward her in a calm manner. Not arguing. She deserves that. I think sometime people fall out of love and lose interest in their spouse over time. I know what kind of hurting you are going thru knowing that she is talking with another guy friend. Most likely from the way it sounds she will not be with you. Good luck darling. i hope it works for you. I wouldn't worry about the response from this other male responder. He don't know what your problems are. Evil is everywhere not just where you live. If you notice he didn't mention his name. that shows you how much he respects himself. He has to call other people names. Childish behavior. Good Luck. And by the way My husband cheated on me with a friend of mine. So i have been on both sides of the fence.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): While you find this the most valuable relationship you've experienced, it may be worthwhile to structure a checklist of inevitable items in your future for both sides: Staying with your wife, and going with your girlfriend. Both of these have their significant consequences, and frankly you can't escape them.
I would invite you to remove your emotions from both sides and step back to examine what you have to work with.
After sorting through the inevitable happenings for either side and accepting they will be, here is a question to quietly think about: If you weren't in love with either woman, what do you have left to enable your goal of what kind of man you wish to be in 20 years? Which arrangement will afford you the greatest progress?
Here is a question to think strongly about and accept the truthful answer: "If I had no libido, and were not sexually attracted to either woman, which life will produce happiness, and ensure I do the right thing?" Such a thought can usher one into a clear picture of what happiness is.
I would be careful with the girlfriend's need to always have a man on her arm. I'm convinced that her admission of physical affection indicates a fraction of the truth. Because of her care for your feelings, do you really think she would admit to more than a closed mouth kiss? Remember this is the same person who had to cover to a husband about what you both did. Apparently she wants to keep her options open to receive you at some point. Which brings me to my last point.
Will you choose to accept the basis upon which your love was founded? Both of you went behind your spouse's backs to support your affections. Is it possible you can feel a full trust for her once she says she's committed to you? She's already violated a previous marital agreement, and supports a side relationship as she extends expressions of want your direction. Do you both have what it takes to put the origin of your circumstances behind you and fully trust the other is not messing around during those nine hours away from the other at work? Also, I've found it's really easy to be hard core attracted to someone you don't live with and share no liabilities with.
When you say, "I just think that I am setting myself up for the worst heartbreak ever." my instinct tells me you know your answer.
By the way, even if you never tell your wife, she already smells it on you, because she has gut instincts just like you, and the day of calling you to be honest is coming.
I'm just saying, choose carefully.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): It seems to me the guys who just posted a response to this question has some unresolved issues.. I thought this site was to help people with their problems.. not bash them...
guess what he made a mistake, get over it. can't change the past.. all you can change is the present! but dang don't call the other lady a hoe and all that.. you don't know his situation and what he's feeling...
I will tell you this (to the original poster) if it really is "love" like you say it is... then she should be there for you when you are going through your tough times...
but you also need to think about your wife. what has she done wrong for you to just leave her for another person? you two have a child together who is very young still but if you have issues now what will it be like when your daughter is older and can understand more things.. you wouldn't want her to have two parents that fight constantly and don't want to be with one another.. think of your little girl as much as you can right now..
you need to test this "other" women because you were there for her when she was going through all of her tough times but right when she gets done with her divorce she thinks that you can just end everything just like that... things take time and i believe that if you want to be with her, she should have to sacrifice for you now...
oh and about the other guy.. if she loves you then this guy she is "seeing" is just a way to get you faster
but that is just my opinion! I hope that helped...
Good luck tho!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Sounds to me that you made the decision 15 months ago. I think when people make babies together, that's it, you have a new focus (and it ain't you), unless there's abuse, etc. You don't follow your heart; you take care of your kid(s). Since your children aren't priorities clearly for you or your hoe, then you two should make a very nice couple. Heartbreak, you say? How dare you. You set this selfish trek in motion. What about the heartbreak of your hoe's "evil" husband? How dare you call him "evil" and "horrible" -- that's you! Have you thought of their three-year daughter? Let alone your own daughter? Let's hope that your daughters marry men nothing like you. Yeah, you'll leave your wife. And in a year or two, she'll leave you. You both deserve all the heartbreak and misery you have caused -- and your wife will take you to the cleaners, and then this hoe will, too. This makes me happy. This is probably the most selfish, self-serving posting I've ever read.
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