A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I fear I may have been a massive bitch to a boy - so excuse the length, but I need to be honest here if I am to get honest answers back. There was this guy I met at uni about 4 months ago. He was really nice and sweet and we really got on. We started off as friends and then it progressed in to something more then one night at his we were watching dvds, drinking wine, and we kissed eachother. It was lovely. He just kept kissing me all over and I just lay back and it felt like bliss. Then things progressed by the day and we ended up having sex, a lot of sex. It was all going really well and at first the sex was ok. I mean, it wasn't amazing sex but I put that down to him being nervous because I was a new girlfriend. Everything else was fine, he cooked me dinners, we went out places but then we'd always come back and have sex and I'd always kinda be left feeling unsatisfied. He never did anything in bed. It was always me pleasuring him. And it all felt a bit selfish and unsatisfying. I tried dropping hints, like I’d move his hands to where I wanted them on my body, or I’d spend ages going down on him in hopes he would reciprocate but never anything. He seemed to really enjoy the sex, but I wasn’t ? I guess this started to get to me, and then ultimately we finished it because I think I was projecting my unsatisfaction on to him and it was making the relationship seem a bit cold. Which was probably a bit mean and I can see that now. After we broke up I guess I went a bit on a "now I’m single, I can kiss lots of men" streak, which probably wasn’t the best thing to do either but I did it anyways. I drank a lot, and on a lot of occasions, I phoned him up drunk and upset about various thing and he'd come round and comfort me and cheer me up. I've been thinking a lot lately about how sweet he has been to me and am wondering if I've just been the biggest bitch ever. I think I still like him, but I’m not sure I can be with someone so selfish in the bedroom. I know sex isn’t everything, but it is something. Please help, I’m very confused. I don’t even know if I miss the sex. I miss the kisses and warmth tho. :( We’ve been doing a lot of talking lately, and he’s flirting with me heavily, but I just don’t know. I miss his warmth and his jokes and his constant kissing but I'm worried about the sex. Help?
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male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (18 February 2009):
I'm assuming from your note that this is a really nice guy who likes or may love you, who treats you well, and whom you are attracted to. I'm assuming further that he is somewhat unassertive (comforting you after breakup), which is fine outside the bedroom, but leaves you bored/unchallenged in bed.
First, it is not surprising that you broke up. Transitions from friend to lover can be tough as the sense of responsibility for protecting each other can make you bite your tongue too much. When you can't clearly communicate your needs, they'll tend not to be met, leading to frustration, resentment, withdrawal and undermining of the relationship. Sex is particularly hard for people to talk about, and thus is a common ground zero.
That doesn't make you a bitch, much less the biggest bitch ever. It makes you mature enough to recognize what you need, but not quite mature enough to ask for it directly. Which, to be honest, isn't too bad for early uni years.
But you are where you are now.
The first thing I'd ask myself is whether he is normally selfish or giving with his time, energy, attention. If giving, then it's entirely possible (especially at his age) that he's never had a woman explain honestly how she wants to be treated in bed. He may be afraid of showing his more sexually aggressive side to you, especially if you started as real friends. He may have low confidence (does he know from a clitoris?) or be intimidated sexually, especially if he really likes you and doesn't want to screw up.
He may have previous experience with a very different woman from you. If you spend a long time going down on him, he might think you really like it and won't want him to interrupt you (Aside 1: like one partner who loved only to give oral sex; official instructions were to lie back and enjoy).
Ultimately, you need to know what you want sexually, and be able to be much more direct about it. Guys don't tend to communicate in hints, and are slow to pick up on them. Moving his hands was a good start, but you also need to let him know what you would like those hands to do.
While you are out on a date, tell him you are going to kiss him the way you expect him to go down on you, and then do, and let him think about that during the movie. When you get home, touch yourself for him the way you like to be touched, and ask him to show you the same. Take a different tone of voice with him when naked (if you're going for the anti-cuddle); talk to him like you'd talk to a stranger, or a cowboy, or whatever. The idea is to knock him out of the safe friend role, and see what is there, and whether that works for you. (Aside 2: same former friend liked sex more aggressive than other women I had dated; I needed her explicit "permission" to know that she wanted me to go there.)
If he is one to lose libido after orgasm, it's perfectly fair to tell him you need to be wetter before anything happens, and ask him if he can do something about that. He shouldn't care about who goes first. If he insists on getting attention first, and then bails, that's a different problem.
But if he's just a nice/sweet boy, and you two are nice kids together, and indirect and hinting, it may be hard to break out of those childlike roles and tell each other directly what you need the other to do. We are generally less selfish with friends, of whom we get many, than lovers, of whom we pick one. You're allowed to be selfish here.
If you are still sexually attracted to him, and like him, ask yourself whether you are willing to teach him and/or willing to take a risk by putting yourself out there are asking for exactly what you want. I suspect it would be, at the least, a good learning experience, and perhaps much more.
My 2 cents anyway. Good luck.
A
male
reader, koler  +, writes (18 February 2009):
Sex is not everything, but almost everything! I think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel. Perhaps he's nervous in the bedroom, or simply dumb about these things and you need to teach him. Talk it out. If he is not really willing to satisfy you in the bedroom then there is something wrong and you were right to leave him. You don't need a friend in the bedroom you need a lover.
Hope this helps
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