A
female
age
41-50,
*lwaysabridesmaid
writes:My best friend (a male), just got married a few months ago. We have been friends for a long time and I have always been in love with him, but never told him since he has had a steady girlfriend for the past 2.5 years who he recently married. I thought at times that he was also in love with me........ and learned after the wedding which I was in as a bridesmaid, that he was in love with me and was actually having a difficult time deciding to go through with the wedding because he was unsure of my feelings for him. He went through with it anyway and the mutual friend who told me of his feelings also told him of mine. So, I was miserable for a while wondering how I could still be friends with him knowing that we both loved each other and there was nothing we could do about it. Then the other day, he kissed me........... and has been kissing me pretty regularly ever since. I didn't stop him because I have been waiting for him to do that for a very long time. We probably would be together today if we hadn't been so afraid of risking the friendship we did have to find out if there was something more. I know I for one kept my mouth shut thinking, well.... at least I get to be near him all the time and that is better than nothing. But now knowing that it would've been quite the opposite, I am miserable and it is by far my biggest regret in life thus far. He feels the same way, however he is a verrry nice guy and is afraid to hurt his wife's feeling and admit to her that he is in love with me. I feel the same since I was hoping to forget about the misery and started dating someone else. We're both stuck here now, can't stay away from each other because we are so attracted to one another, yet can't bring ourselves to shake up our entire worlds and those of our significant others just to be happy. I need advice............. I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo miserable. I can't help but think that I will regret letting him go for the rest of my life. He has strong feelings for his wife of course as do I for my boyfriend, however there is a connection between the two of us that makes every other relationship I've ever had.....(good or bad) seem so insignificant. What should I do? We've talked about it a little and I think he's afraid to tell her. But we already made a huge mistake by not having the courage to do something about this. Help!!!!
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female
reader, campsnap2002  +, writes (30 August 2008):
True Love is very rare and hard to find. If you have such strong feelings for this guy and he is your best friend, you will always be living your life in the What if? mode! It is hard to live this way, trust me! I let someone go 16 years ago that was my best friend and the love of my life, but we were both too afraid to tell the other that we wanted more. Now here I am 16 years later and divorced and the first person I run to is him. He is involved with someone else right now, not married, but involved. I find out that he has always been in love with me and now we are back at square one! He is not wanting to hurt his girlfriend and I live far away from him now, so again, it is a huge risk that everyone is afraid of taking. Life is too short to walk away from what truly makes you happy! Go for the risks in your life and don't just live your life, love your life! Besides, if he keeps kissing you, he isnt being fair to his wife anyway and eventually is going to hurt her in the long run. Better off to follow your heart and grab onto the love that you share together. Good luck to both of you!
A
female
reader, campsnap2002 +, writes (30 August 2008):
True Love is very rare and hard to find. If you have such strong feelings for this guy and he is your best friend, you will always be living your life in the What if? mode! It is hard to live this way, trust me! I let someone go 16 years ago that was my best friend and the love of my life, but we were both too afraid to tell the other that we wanted more. Now here I am 16 years later and divorced and the first person I run to is him. He is involved with someone else right now, not married, but involved. I find out that he has always been in love with me and now we are back at square one! He is not wanting to hurt his girlfriend and I live far away from him now, so again, it is a huge risk that everyone is afraid of taking. Life is too short to walk away from what truly makes you happy! Go for the risks in your life and don't just live your life, love your life! Besides, if he keeps kissing you, he isnt being fair to his wife anyway and eventually is going to hurt her in the long run. Better off to follow your heart and grab onto the love that you share together. Good luck to both of you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): Dear alwaysabridesmaid
I know exactly how you feel. Forgive me for speaking about this issue in realtions to my life, but I want to show you that I know how I can help. I wouldn't say I married the wrong man but I know that, let's call him James, did marry the wrong woman. I say this because he himself has spoken these very words and the 'what ifs' challenge us daily. Luckily we live thousands of miles apart now and physical infidelity is not part of the complication. James and I have known each other since we were 17 years old. We are now both 30 years old, both married. Our friendship really was just that for over 2.5 years...until one day, he kissed me. Everything changed...we were both in college and I put him on a pedestle, never to take him off again. Eventually after a year he sort of backed off...maybe it was the distance, I don't know. We stayed friends and both had other serious realationships lastly over 3 years. When we were about 23 years old, he told me he was engaged, I was shattered. You see he was always my ideal and we always found ways to spend time together, keep in touch and the attraction never ceased, even if we didn't act on it. A few months rolled by and I never heard from James, I phoned him for his birthday and then a few more months later I phoned him again when he didn't call for mine. With no response, I understood that he had moved on and couldn't have both of us women in his life. So I deleted his number from my phone and decided it was time to let go, even if it was so hard to accept. I swear to you, two days later...my phone rang and it was James, calling to tell me he had called the wedding off months ago and was giving everything time to settle before reaching out to me and explaining that I was a big part of that reason. I was estactic...literally like and out of body experience...as far as I was concerned...fate existed and the planets were all aligned. After a couple months of dating again, James asked me to marry him...no ring, but I didn't need a ring to say yes. I stopped everything in my life and moved a coupld states away to be with James. After nine days, he disappeared only to leave a key..no note, no answers...nothing. 4 years later...i still found myself wondering what had happened, blamed myself and would not let another soul in. He was the love of my life and I could not imagine a future with anyone else. However, there was a close friend of mine in the new area I had been living in for the past year who knew my past and eventually we grew on one another. I was never really sure because I needed closure with the pain of losing James, my friend, my lover, my everything. So...I looked him up. Surprisingly, his answer was calm and made perfect sense to me. I wish I had sought him out sooner. He ended up marrying his ex-fiancee and they now have two children together. His children are everything to him but his marriage is a bit of a disappointment and he is so happy that I found him again. I have forgiven him to an extent...although I will never forget the pain and the long road to my happiness again. I know now though, that I would have been very happy with him...but that I married a man who loves me equally as much and I probably never would have had that with James...no matter what he says to me. If he really wanted something...then he could have fought for me, he could fight for me now...but he never has and he never will. I have accepted that...but he still is the love of my life. There is other happiness out there for you...and maybe staying friends is not a possibility. Maybe that separation will make him realise he cannot have his wife and be kissing you all the same. I hope everything works out for you...whatever the outcome. Do not let this slowly erode the person you are and the love you are capable of feeling...because if he loved you that much...he would rescue you from that pain. If not, there is only you to keep your head and heart a float. I hope this has helped.
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A
female
reader, alwaysabridesmaid +, writes (12 September 2007):
alwaysabridesmaid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts sad to see that I may be the only one around here who still believes in true love. At any rate........I no longer need advice as my best friend was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and his doctor estimates that he has about 6 months to live. His wife.......whom you've all been defending.......left him because "she cant handle it". So, he's mine after all.......at least of a while....but I'll take whatever I can get with him. Maybe after all of this is over if I survive it with even a tiny shred of sanity left, I'll write a novel........so that anyone in my position in the future wont listen to all of the "it's too late"s and more to the "you only live once"s.
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A
female
reader, alwaysabridesmaid +, writes (22 August 2007):
alwaysabridesmaid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all of you for your advice. I guess I am just a firm believer that there is only ONE right person on the face of the earth for me and that everything happens for a reason. I think that the fact that he most likely has a low self esteem, from being overweight, kept him from saying anything to me and forced him to just settle for someone..........afterall he is 33 and wants to be married and have children. Little did he know that I only kept my distance because I thought he felt she was the one for him and that I am in fact unconditionally in love with him no matter what his physical appearance may be. At any rate, I think he intends to leave her soon since she continues to spend every penny he has, leaving him with an overdrawn checking account to pay bills with and has refused to have sexual intercourse with him since their honeymoon. I on the other hand have come to terms with the fact that I am not in love with my current.....soon to be former significant other, since he decided that the fact that I make a large amount of money means that he can quit his job and be lazy in my house all day.............he's also 33 and needs to grow up! So, he'll be moving shortly and hopefully my best friend will accept the fact that he doesnt love his wife and will take the necessary steps also. If not, I'll go back to being single and continue to search for that "ONE".......afterall as I said......everything happens for a reason. Its quite a mess we've created, and yet again another HARD lesson learned.............something I memorized at the age of 8 and yet never quite felt the entire weight of its meaning until now...............
"Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass." Max Ehrmann (Desiderata)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): How dare you participate in his wedding, while all along you were wishing he was your own. You should be ashamed of yourself. Remember what goes around will come right back around and bite you on the ass. If you did not LOVE him enough to profess your love and stop the wedding, then deal with it. It is women like you that contribute to the broken hearts of so many good women out there. Find your own man...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): Um, isn't there a pause in the wedding ceremony where they say if anyone objects to the union of these two individuals, speak now or forever hold your peace?
This man was dating this woman for 2.5 years before he married her all the while being a friend to you and nothing ever took your relationship to the next level because he did not want it to, and possibly neither did you.
This is merely a case of buyer's remorse on his part for getting married and ending his bachlorhood forever, and for you it is clutching at straws because you have lost a frieindship that you had become dependent on...both of you are feeling fear and anxiety and mistaking it for longing and love....grow up, please. Love is a decision to be worthy of love, it has action behind it, it is putting the needs and happiness of your partner above your own, love is about Being loving to another, it is not all about the feelings that we get from being around a person and knowing them....it is a commitment a conscious decision to love....and he has made his choice, get out of his marriage and leave them alone......have no contact with this man as it will only keep you from meeting the man of YOUR dreams.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): I agree with Flower Girl... such a nice guy who is being a snake behind his NEW wife's back. A kiss here and there missy leads to much more and deep down I know that's what you want. But think of this. He is affraid to leave his wife because he doesnt want to hurt her..... No, it's more like he wants his cake and eat it too. How dare you let him do that to you. You are much better than sloppy seconds. Move on. it will be hard, very very hard, but in the end it will be best for you. He is a married man now, which means he is OFF LIMITS. put yourself in his wifes shoes. what if you were newly married and your skanky hubby was out kissing one of your bridesmaids? How would that make you feel?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 August 2007):
 This is very sad, but I think you will need to follow flower girl's excellent advice and forget about him. At least as a lover, but I think you would have a very hard time not thinking of him as such, as simply a friend.
I will be a bit cynic. Has it occurred to you that maybe he just doesn't want to divorce his wife?
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A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (14 August 2007):
 'He is a really nice guy' yeah right if he was that nice he would not be doing what he is with you behind his wifes back now would he?
You can't both carry on being unfaithful to your other halfs, it would in the long run be must more considerate to them to end it with them if you are so in love, and just deal with the consequences.
If you don't want to hurt the other people around you by ending these relationships, then it would be a very good idea to have nothing more to do with each other, you have made your beds, so either lie in them happily or get out.
Take care.xx.
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