A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:The man I have loved for the past 10 years is once again cheating on me. I confronted him and his lover last year , funny enough about the same time of year. Since he has promised not to see her or meet her. Last weekend I picked up his answerphone messages. It was her, pretending he had called her. He says he didnot because she witholds her numbers and he hasnot got it. I believe him unless he has another hidden sim and to be honest I dont think so. I have access to his phonebills and I know he doesnot call her. There are regular missed calls on the day he is off. She wants to meet him for coffee.. she wants to stay friends.. he doesnot get the message that if he strays one more time and that includes meeting for coffee We are finished. I heard him agree to meet her tomorrow. He doesnot know I heard him, I know where this will be. Last time he shit a brick and walked out. She told me she loves him and will hang in there and share the crumbs..She also told me she knows he loves me. However I feel that a woman that loves my man is a permanent danger to our relationship. I work away from home a lot, we need the money. He is going to feel safe to meet her tomorrow. I feel that the only way to deal with this is to confront him, in the act. It will take me 2.5 hours riding down in the pouring rain as I had to work away today. I ride a scooter and once confronted ride back as I have another shift to do. You ask me why do I feel the need? because part of me hopes that he will not meet with her that he was just appeasing her. He has done this before. He says he loves only me, and yes he does stray occasionally sexually.. I can overlook some events but not a woman that is constantly trying to break us up. Am I mad, if he meets her, I will be at the end of our relationship, its ok I feel ready to move on, Perhaps its what I have been waiting for. Any advice ?
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 February 2013):
 It's been almost a year since you first wrote here of your troubles. You seemed to take on board what advice people had given you and seemed determined to move on from this man. He has obviously kept in touch with you and this has given you some sort of false hope even though it's blatantly obvious that he pursues other women and wants relationships/dates/meetings with them.
A year has changed nothing and he is still treating you like shit, like a door mat, like a fool...I don't get why you are still trying to keep things 'current' when they are obvously dead in the water? It's all very well for you to keep working on the 'relationship', but he isn't actually in that relationship with you (he's still chasing skirt)so it's a waste of time and emotional energy.
There is only one way to get someone out of your life...tell them to fuck off, change your numbers, block and delete them and never see or speak to them again.
Snooping, spying,second guessing, manipulating, hoping, pussy footing around does NOT help and garners NOTHING...this you know.
Why are you still holding on??? Just tell him to get lost.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo many years later, he just would not let me walk, so here I am but this time is different after 13 years in total of being a couple with so many upsets.. I forgave and forgave and each time I tried to leave and his silver tongue won. This time its different. Also I know now for certain that he is a narcissist and as such I learned to accept what and why. HE dumped me cowardly via a phonecall, after me finding him in OUR bed at home with another woman, he said he loves her. I forgave and tried to work on our relationship but he is so in love he doesnot give one iota about me. The good thing.... it was him that ended it. Bad for me, for all the years I wasted but in my heart I know I have done everything right, I may be a little sneaky so and so and use every trick in the book to gather information but I never hurt any one, apart from myself. I can walk with my head up high and know that the next woman will be his victim but it isnot me anymore.I am slowly moving on now, he still sms's me (two months later) even telling me he loves me still but I have a life to live and I have been walking away now for two months. wish me luck! No wish me strength!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was hard enough to get as far in this relationship as I did, when things are raw it's not very helpful the last reply stating I am an obstacle for this other woman. This site is about support and though answers may be upsetting I did not think the last person saying I was an obstacle was kind, seemed more she was on the other woman's side.This is not what support is about. To this day the man is begging me to come back. I don't reply. It's easier, I don't accept his calls it's easier and tomorrow I am flying to Canada and putting another ocean between us. I doubt I will spend much time in the UK now I lost my roots.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2013): Unfortunately it seems that instead of that other woman coming in between you and him, its more like you are the obstacle in their relationship. Leave them alone, they deserve each other. i am sure she is upset at how he begged you not to leave him last year, that must make her feel so special.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all.. I would like to point out that wasting another half year.. yes I suppose one could think this but.. I learned from it and every lesson I take on board. Meantime I have said goodbye to my mam, as she passed away, had more chemo therapy, and did lots of learning on machine embroidery .. I don't think my last six months were wasted. I have too much to do. This man was only a tiny aspect of my life and from what I can see, I don't think any men should take over your life more than 10 percent unless you are married to him.. It's a matter of respect for yourself.. I have tried, given it my all for this love to succeed. Glad it was not me that made a balls up of it in the end. If you love someone, exclusivity should be no problem at anytime, in particular if you know it would upset a partner.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 January 2013):
Yep eventually you just get sick of the lies and shit that go on and often it's only when you get to that point that you are able to lets go. It's a shame you wasted almost another year of your life on this man...but there you go.
Good luck on your travels.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thought one more chance.. lol what a fool i was on the 10th of december after a nice weekend together i just had this hunge so i went back home instead of getting on a plane to go to europe and what did i find? he had another woman in bed, the same woman from april.. after all his promises.. tired girl now..
I tried everything.. end of the road.. its almost a month ago and I just cant stop the anger.. I can forgive but I will not return ever I can t live in a garden full of weeds as this guy is just bad news . Im sorry I tried for so long but i will treasure some of the happy times and move on.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 June 2012):
 Thanks for the update, it does sound like he would never change, I think you did the right thing, just keep on moving foward, Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for support, I am rarely seeing him now, he seems to be behaving but to be honest, I have grown so cold inside. It's the I love only you, I want only you..............and all I need to add to that he still surf s on swinging sites, he still takes and makes calls to other women. he may have given up the last one but he is back hunting again.. so I moved my clothes out and am enjoying a lot of life on my own. He doesnot want to let go of me, it must be his narcistic side. Sadly I am in no rush, just not prepared to be hurt anymore by this vermin. He is constantly calling me just doesnot seem to realise that he hurt me once to many.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): Thanks for the followup. Maybe give us another update in a month or two, of how you are coping? I have been in a similar situation as you, and my heart ached as I read your last message... I have great empathy for you. Once the anger dies down, you may start to experience the loss and heart ache. After ten years together, it may be a long road to recovery. But you will recover, and you will be happy again. I wish you all the best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): Good for you OP: you have been bold, you have been pro active. You took the bull by its horns and you verified his cheating for yourself.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, well I did it.. here is the scenario I drove 95 miles to destination, watched him pull out from home, wasnot sure where he would park . Realised I had no change for the carpark so had to use the place that he normally uses. He seemed late, but in fact he was getting petrol.. oh well you cant follow them all over. I called him casually a few times, it was raining very opportune the brollie hides your face and my hunting style rain coat was not something i normally wear.. so nice disguise.I found a nice place to sit and watch the door where he was supposed to be meeting.. Costa's, I had hot chocolate and carrot cake and watched him on the dot walk by en enter Costa's .. I gave him 15 mins to settle.I made effort and had a nice dress on, makeup and good quality coat and umbrella. Nothing tatty and wearing my diamonds etc .. He didnot sit in the place we normally sit at, but was sitting right at the back.. She recognised me straight of, he became decidedly pale. I didnot really know what to say so I looked at her and him and said here we are again.. than just nodded no and walked away. He was in shock came running out saying it was a co incidence and i said it doesnot matter you broke your promise, you were not going to see her. I objected very strongly to their friendship as she professed she loves him and will wait forever for him. When he saw that my mind was set, I pointed out that I knew they had set this up... on Saturday just before 0900 that it was a planned meeting. He ran out of excuses and walked away as I did. Then I changed my mind and went back into Costa's he wasnot there.. the local guest worked out very fast that a man just got caught cheating.. I told her that he will make her as unhappy as he made me and good luck. Walked out, some chap applauded me and offered me a coffee.. a lady said he went that way... I knew he had to do his banking and yes he was. I am only 5foot 4 he is 6foot5, despite my umbrella he never noticed me walking behind him.. To be honest it was sad but funny. He walked back to his car, I walked back to my car didnot see him. Thought he was gone already .. I checked him answerphone... we share these settings... it was because we trust each other we were relaxing and sharing everything but 3 weeks ago she left a message for him and that made me look at everything he was doing. While he walked out on her trying to talk to me she called him over and over and left 6 messages.. She is very persistent and was a bit annoyed that he had walked out on her.. AGAIN just like last time. I went to the house but to be honest I was tired just wanted some tea.. and he came in. ALl sorts of excuses and in the end I walked out ..I am fortunate I have my own second home. House, property etc it isnot that important but my heart is. My trust is now gone finally I am not surprised several phonecalls from him. He followed me in the car trying for me to come back and talk. I didnot . then he started putting the blame on me that I am excessive jealous and a freak that he was only having coffee nothing else. I hung up and then called back 10 mins later to say.. just because you decided you wanted to play about again doesnot mean you can twist things and make me feel even worse.. I may be jealous but I have good reason .. love is 1to1. I kept riding and the only reason I wanted to see him was wish him luck, hope that he finds what he is looking for. That I shall always love him but I cant be with a non monogamous person ..my love is 1-1 not into 23456 somes.I didnot shout .. every time I got upset I hung up and pulled in as its dangerous driving like that. I told him to sort the mortgages out and I shall come back when he is in work to remove the things I want. For now.. i just want some peace and quiet, I am angry sad, disillusioned jikes I'm hurting but I thing at the end of the day he will hurt more for losing me. Thanks for your answers The biggest obstacle will be the fact that he is a narcissist and he may not let go.. for now... its quiet. Packing up my motorcycle I am going touring in Germany ;-) only my daughters know my where abouts.I calle
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): Just something to think about.... if you leave him, he will probably go straight into her arms.. and she will feel like she has 'won'. This will hurt like crazy. You will have to 'stick to your guns' and have no contact with him. You will never be able to look back because it will be even more broken that it is now. You have a choice. To tolerate his behaviour, or not. Be strong in your decision.
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A
female
reader, 1sunshine  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 He is the one with the problem that will never end Rise above this and move on with your life. Be strong and let us how everything goes with you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (23 April 2012):
I am glad you have put plans in place to remove yourself from this relationship.
I agree you need them, but him especially, to see you at the same place they are planning to meet. YOu sound a little like me, there will be no need to hit or slap or kick or even speak, just being there will be enough for his heart to drop to his boots, and doom his relationship with her while you are at it because she will always be aware she was not his first choice.
Take heart, life does get better! I know this for a fact.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2012): Yes! Go and confront the cheating scum bag!! You deserve SO much better than this, and I bet as soon as you're gone he'll realise what he's ruined!
You are not mad at all, it's better to know the truth than be strung along. At least when you find out the truth you can move on with your life and find someone that will truly appreciate and love you! Good luck! Ps. I'd kick him where it hurts, and slap that woman so hard she'll feel like she's kissed a freight train!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): You should go!
Good luck to you.
Everyone deserves better than a cheat.
Let us know how it goes lovely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I have to do this and confront him, 1 if I am wrong I will be more relaxed and can carry trying in this troubled relationship but you know I will always look over my shoulder.2 if I am right and he went ahead and meet her then not only can I confront him, but I have told him that there are no more chances.. i.e. end of relationship.I have to confront him because 1 he is a narcissist 2 he has never let me leave him so far over similar things. He haunts me I have to change phones, homes everything.. Unknown to him, I have already booked a trip away leaving Tuesday.. he will know I left the country as my ringtone will change.. It is not what he is expecting because next Sunday is his birthday and he expects me to be with him. Well I guess I am grasping at straws hoping that actually he is staying finally faithful as he has been playing the other woman about too.. but in the end. I have to draw a line, one part of me hopes he is finally true, but I am resigned to find out that he is still persuing the other woman. then I will be riding to Freedom.It took me a long time but I am ready to face up to an end. if anyone wants to add more advice please do so. As in about 12 hours I shall stand hiding somewheres.. ready to confront.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (22 April 2012):
Anyway you look on it, your man is a cheat and will probably continue to do so, even if he says he loves you.
You have to accept that nothing you have done or said in the past and nothing you may do or say in the future is going to change him. You only have to decide if you are going to accept how he is for the sake of the 'relationship' you have with him, or throw in the towel and begin again on your own.
He seems pretty keen on this woman, even if he tells you he isn't and that it is all her fault. It takes two to tango and I am pretty sure she wouldn't pursue him unless she was getting an incentive.
You seem to be putting yourself through hell over this. Confront him if you must but if you do discover him cheating again and take no action then be assured he will do it again when the dust settles.
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female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (22 April 2012):
 You're not mad. I think you should follow him and confront them both. Then you can move on with your life and be happy. He's cheated before, said it wouldn't happen again, whats to stop him doing it again and again and again??? Nothing. Tell him it's over and he needs to pack his things and move out whilst you're at work.
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