A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:long story shortFriend of many years became boyfriend. Broke up citing family not agreeing for marriage on his side. At first i thought we are maintaining friendship while he called once in a while. But now it seems like he finds reasons to keep talking to me. It seems like he can't go without talking often. I don't mind this because I feel comforted too. plain talk, nothing flirtacious or sexual friendly matured conversations about life, everyday stuff and short term plans in our careers, parents pressures on arranged marriage etc. We were really in love and deeply involved when we broke up. I kind of stopped feeling cold turkey the very day we broke up because I'm tired of being used by men. (I'm also to blame for allowing them to do so). I know he still loves me too but I also know this isn't going to lead to anything. But I'm trying to let go. Why do I feel like he is trying to keep things afloat..am I right or over reading it. I'm confused. and hungup on this relationship. I would judge myself as moving on too slowly from a man for no reason but my own weakness for being attached easily. I'm scared to let my feelings take a turn and love him again, because any moment I know he may marry a girl of his parents choice and break my heart. In that case, I'm starting to think if what he's doing to me by giving these 'istillloveyou' vibes is okay! I'm quite bad at picking cues, judging people's intention and tend to be naive. Hence this forum. He is a little different from the usual guys too. please help me with some insights on this guy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2019): Thank you all for the advice! All of your answers lean towards one direction and that confirms my instincts too. I've decided to keep the guy and any hopes at bay. I think you're absolutely right about him not wanting me to move further. They are looking for suitable matches for me and he knows that. We had mutually decided to get arranged married earlier when we broke up. My parents are a more forward and would allow me to choose my partner by arranging dates with the guys they find. His family is from the rural area and he might have to just be there for his wedding when it's set! He claims to never do that and stay single. I really doubt that. From what happened with us I can assume he will agree to marry a girl finally and then tell he had no choice. Thanks again for the wishes and advice, I'll give zero weightage to this guy from now on. I'm sure when I meet a nice guy I'll go forward with no looking back.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 May 2019):
 You may THINK you have stopped loving him but feelings can't just be turned on and off like a switch. You KNOW you still love him, which is why you are clinging to the daily contact and "vibes" from him. Yes, there may be a little bit of "weakness" involved, but don't beat yourself up about it. Nobody is strong in all things. We all have weaknesses. It is what makes us human.
This man has to make a choice. I know, in your culture, it is not the done thing to go against parents' wishes where choice of partners is concerned, but also know that more and more young people are doing so. I also appreciate that going against his parents' wishes could cause a life-long rift with his family, so know it would be no easy choice. However, if you two feel you love each other then he has to choose: you or his parents' wishes. If he has definitely decided that his parents' wishes are more important than his (and your) happiness, then that is his choice. You have not had a say in this choice but you DO have a choice in how to move forward.
Staying in regular contact with him is stopping you drawing a line under this relationship and moving forward. Yes, it will take strength on your part to put a stop to the contact but you need to do it for your own sake. You never know; once he thinks he has lost you for good, he may rethink his decision (although I would not put any money on that).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2019): To some degree you could be projecting your own feelings onto him. If you broke-up due to an intervention of his parents, and you know there is no possibility of marriage; I think it is time to cut-ties and move on.
You're prolonging the agony by allowing your feelings to feed on what you feel are his feelings of unrequited-love; but they are actually your own. You're hoping against hope.
I think he has come to terms with the reality of the situation; but continues the friendship and closeness for old-times sake. Unless you can completely detach your own feelings, and how you interpret his intentions towards you; I think it would be healthier to draw your connection with him to a close. You already know what the painful outcome is likely to be.
Then again, he may be holding-on in fear you'll find somebody else. Jealousy and possessiveness doesn't have to come from a place of love. It comes from selfishness.
You used to be in-love; or so you claim you've gotten over those feelings. I somehow doubt that to be the case; because your entire post is contradictory to that suggestion.
In order to move forward, you have to end the so-called friendship; because he is holding you as an emotional-hostage. You may be surviving on the wishful-thinking that there could be the possibility of a different end result. As Indian culture and tradition dictates, that isn't likely.
My dear, you're in an unhealthy holding-pattern from which you cannot break-free.
Let-go! He won't go against the will of his parents and their interference! That is placing an undue burden on you emotionally. You deserve your freedom, if he's not man enough or determined to marry the woman he is presumed to truly love. Love which apparently hasn't proven strong enough to defy his parents.
If you ask me, that's not enough to hang your heart on. It's not as tough for men as it is for women. Men have more latitude or laxity in making decisions on whom they wish to marry, unlike women in your culture. In modern urban society, young people do have some right to refusal and to marry for love. Not so much in more conservative rural areas.
Stop torturing yourself, knowing his parents and cultural-tradition have a greater influence over his decision towards you than he does. You'll be heartbroken once an engagement and/or wedding date is set.
Go no contact! Block him from social media, change your phone number, and get on with your life. His intentions are purely selfish.
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A
female
reader, ......unknown  +, writes (28 May 2019):
i think that if he really wanted to be with you he would prove it instead of making you doubt it. but, he might be hiding something from you .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 May 2019):
 I think he knows there is no future with you, BUT he doesn't WANT you to find someone else. At least not BEFORE he finds a suitable match.
My advice? Let him know that as much as you care for him as a friend you have to let him go. Because this keeping in contact is holding you BOTH back from meeting someone who will be a GOOD fit for you and your family, he and his as well.
The longer you WASTE time on this fellow, the longer it will take for you to find a man who can accept you for you and his family can too...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 May 2019):
 There is a very crude saying for his actions, he needs to shit or get off the pot!
His behaviour is keeping you hooked, offering glimmers of hope when you know there is none. His behaviour is reprehensible and should not be tolerated. He needs to decide if he is willing to marry you against his parents wishes or not.
If he decides not, then he needs to leave you alone. Maybe you can put the proposition to him a little less offensively than I stated at the beginning. A yes or no answer will suffice. He sounds weak so he will probably prevaricate, in which case you say "I wish you a happy and prosperous life, goodbye" … hang up, block his number and block him on all social networks and get on with living your life, for you.
I wish you well.
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