A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok. My kids fathers mom and dad died and I need some advice, I know that it is killing him, how do i comfort him? His current girlfriend and I don't really get along. I know he needs someone to talk to and he usually comes to me for comfort. I have always been there for him how do I tell him he can always talk to me? That I am always here for him?
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female
reader, lilmishap  +, writes (28 April 2013):
You dont. He has a GF. Is it possible you and her don't get along because of your insistence on 'being there' for him?. I dont know any person who would feel an ex providing emotional support to their partner is healthy or desirable. (suspect you are fully aware of this). Your trying to stay attached when you no longer have any right or reason to. Your also risking causing upset between him and his partner, Who may feel you're taking advantage of his vulnerability after a tragedy.No good will come of it.
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (28 April 2013):
 I know you want to help him and be there for him, but imagine if the boot was on the other foot and you were trying to be there for and comfort your boyfriend who was grieving over a horrible, life-changing event, and his ex-girlfriend and baby mama tried to muscle in, telling him he could come to her at any time and she would always be there for him. Would you be OK with that? Whether you like his girlfriend or not, and especially since you don't get on, it's inappropriate for you to get involved. I'm sure your intentions are good, but I don't think it's your place since you're not together anymore.
I think you could write to him. I know from experience and from other people who have lost someone that getting a card or letter from someone, heck even an email, can be a great source of comfort. Tell him how sorry you are and let him know that if there's anything you can do then you will, but don't overstep the boundaries. He has a girlfriend, let her handle it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 April 2013):
Are you reall naive enough to believe that you want to keep this situation alive????? For Heaven's sake... YOU AND HE BROKE UP!!!!!! Let him get on and live his life on his own.... IF he has problems with that, let HIM address them.....
I suspect, incidentally, that you REALLY don't want the "break-up" to stick... and you are REALLY still holding a candle for him... Correct?????
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, whereisthelove94 +, writes (28 April 2013):
That must be an awful thing he is going through and I am very sorry.
It's very kind and thoughtful of you to want to be there for him in this sad time despite not being together anymore.
Be open about things. Express your sympathy and if you have not done so already, openly tell him that if he ever needs somebody to speak to then you are more than happy to be that person.
There isn't any more you can do apart from this really. Just be very cautious as if he is in a current relationship with someone you do not see eye-to-eye with, things could be interpreted wrong. Be careful not to seem like you are trying to do a better job than his current girlfriend, as this could cause problems for you all. Also do not pressure him into talking about things if he does not feel comfortable doing so, but just let him know that you will always be there if he needs to talk.
I hope you find a way to express your concern that is right for you.
Best of luck,
Sophie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2013): This is a tricky one.
His current girlfriend is probably made uncomfortable by the fact that he has kids with you and you are a significant and permanent part of his life. You sound like a really good person, and I'm betting the assumptions she's made about you aren't true, but try to take a step back and see why she might be uncomfortable with how close you still are to the man she considers HER partner.
If your children's father is with her, he must see her on some level as a potential long-term partner, and he's trying to make things between them work out. Any friction you cause, even inadvertently, in their relationship at this tough time for him is only going to make things worse for him. Your desire to comfort him is really admirable, sweet, and selfless on your part, but it's probably best if you proceed with discretion and a little formality. Express your condolences (after all, his parents were your children's grandparents) and be involved to the extent that is healthy for your children in terms of their needs to cope with this, too, if they are old enough to understand. Otherwise, it's probably best if you give your ex and his partner their space and let him come to you if after all he still needs emotional comfort she can't or isn't giving him.
Best wishes :)
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