A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help before I lose him!! Ok I need serious help here. I am being extremly paranoid and it's ruining my life. I'm depressed all the time. Long story short.....I am always suspecting my boyfriend is cheating on me. I have no concrete evidence and honestly he has given me no reason to believe he would cheat. I have read numerous websites explaining the "signs of a cheater" and he has NONE of these! I know how he feels about cheating and it is something he is totally against. He even has deeper beliefs as to what is considered cheating than I do. I know he has been cheated on in every relationship he has been in, but yet he trusts me!! So why can't I give him the same respect? Yes I too have been cheated on in every relationship. I have also seen my grandfather, father, step-father, uncle's, cousin's, brother's and my best friend cheat!! This man is so wonderful to me. Not a day goes by that he doesn't make me feel that I am the most beautiful woman in the world and that he is the luckiest man in the world and would do anything for me. We have talked and he know of my fears , worries and concerns. He does any and everything to try to help and make me comfortable. He reassures me all the time, he has personally given me his passwords to all his online accounts (myspace, his cell phone account online, etc.), and even have his ex-wifes phone number and I know where she lives (he know she makes me uncomfortable because of their history)..he also has me do the majority of contacting with her when she drops of their son or pics him up, etc.Anyways, I also have access to his phone wheneve I want and he doesn't mind. He says he has nothing to hide. I know all these insecurities are taking a toll on us though, because recently he has been hiding minor things. Example...He tried to delete a text message convo between he and his exwife and he lied about talking to her. Of course I found it (in his phones deleted folder) and confronted him. His explanation was that he know I get upset and my whole mood changes whenever he talks to her so he hid it to "protect me". He knew I was upset and hurt that he liedabout it and he even called my favortie aunt to get her advice! Naturally my thinking lead me to believe there was more to what he says. Now I think that in the time he gets off work til the time I get home (2 hours) that her or someone else is at our house with him. (Did I mention that every waking moment is spent with me except for these 2 short hours and of course when he is at work...even when I encourage him to spend time with his friends and family without me he ALWAYS brings me along, says he doesn't want to be without me!!) Anyways, the paranoia has gotten worse because he injured himself at work and is home for the next 3 days and I have to work. Of course you know what I am thinking, that someone is going to be there with him while I am working. This is driving me crazy. I want to trust him I don't know how. I am tired of being depressed and I really love him. I want to enjoy him and our relationship which has the potential to be "one for the ages" but I don't know what to do :-(! I know he is not the cheating type so how do I let this go and get over it before I lose this amazing and wonderful blessing of this man in my life??Sorry this is so long, but as you can see I REALLY need some advice. Thank you in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): You are inspiring and very mature, hun! Good for you- seeking ways to understand and help yourself through this. It takes inner courage to admit one needs some assistance in certain areas of our life and then to do something about it. Keep being strong and the best of luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for the wonderful advice. A few of you mentioned that I seek professional help- there is a seminar at my church next weekend that..funny enough...is about building self esteem and confidence lol...it's a womens only seminar..I think I will start there. Thank you again so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Okay, you are over the first, hump. Admitting that you have this problem dealing with 'fear'. You've been wounded in your past and you are allowing this fear to over take your love relationship with this guy. Hun, you have to be careful here...nothing will turn a man off more than a needy, desperate, clingy gf. You will lose him, if you keep this up. You need develop your self-esteem and have a life, beyond him! Get out and find new interests, hobbies,a activities, friends, things you can do without him. Basically get a life that doesn't always include him. Develop the areas of yourself that are special and which attracted him to you, in the first place.If you aren't living together. You just have to work hard on yourself. You have so many doubts and fears and you need to deal with that. This is exactly why I preach that a good healthy dose of 'self-love' is required before getting into any love relationships. When one of the two people is fearful they become smothering and needy, and .then this is not a healthy love, and your neediness will knock the whole balance of the relationship off center. You need to work seriously on yourself and learn to love and accept yourself, and everything you do, say and think will eventually reflect how you feel about yourself. Like any wound, the scar of low self-esteem takes time to heal. Try not to rush the healing. I'd recommend that you get as much support and encouragement as you can get. Get into self-confidence building courses and talk to a counselor as to how you can work out your 'co-dependent feelings'. Dig in and make the commitment to change and grow. But have tons of patience with yourself- you deserve that and remember...it takes time to grow! And please try to understand..men are not put here to 'be our life'...they are here to 'share' our life. Good luck, dear.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): I'm only 18 years old, but i've been dating my boyfriend for four years- all throughout high school. I've been having the same problem lately and feel i'm going crazy. I'm paranoid, going through his call logs and text messages. For the past three weeks, every night that i haven't slept with him(slept over eachothers houses, haha) i have a crazy dream where he is cheating on me. In some of them, there is only flirting, but last night i dreamt he had a threesome while i was at work! I've flipped out at girls in my dreams too. I wake up confused, hurt, feeling helpless, and pissed off.In two weeks we will be going to seperate colleges. We've decided that this is how our relationship will end, as we're young and do not intend to get married. Over the past four years, i've slowly lost any girlfriends and always only hang out with him. I have two weeks and i don't know what to expect.Also, my father left us about 5 months ago, 3 weeks after my 18th birthday. He never really fought with my mother, but they never really talked. They were married 33 years, and together since my age(they met at the same high school i went to) I'd been ignoring the situation and acting like everything was okay until this past month when we found out he has a girlfriend. Now we think he was having an affair. I've been crying finally and miss my dad.In conclusion... i think my worries have surfaced from feelings of abandonment. My father unexpectedly left, and now very soon, my only other guy and i will be going seperate ways. also i worry about my mother when i go away, she's all by herself now.I think your situation is sort of similiar to mine. My boyfriend is always worrying about me and making sure i'm okay and not depressed. I always catch him in lies, and it "burns me up"... but i realize he tries to hide stupid little things that he thinks will make me upset. Now he is sick of me seeming needy, as I'm always asking for reassurance that he still loves me.My best advice to you is to find some type of balance in your life. Maybe helping others, spending more time with your girlfriends and family members. Or meditate. Maybe fix an area in your house that you don't use or just doesnt feel right(especially your bedroom). Allow energy to flow and decorate with the things that bring out who you are. This will make you feel more grounded and secure. And just know, not every man is like your grandfather, father, step-father, unlce, cousin, brother, or best friend. Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you are a strong woman and you do not fall to temptation. Ask him to be strong for you and explain how the other men in your life influence your pattern of thinking and suspecting, and that you know he hasn't really done anything wrong to you. Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow I never saw it like that. As me having control over what he does! That's scary I don't want that either. I want us to be equal. But, yes he has access to my emails, online accounts, cell phone, etc. Though I don't believe he looks into mine....He trusts me and it makes me feel bad that I have trouble doing trusting him. I want to be able to. Thank you for the polite shake :-) I needed that.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (9 August 2007):
 When is it gonna get through to you this man LOVES YOU ,please don't take what has happened to you in thepast out on your boyfriend. And as for your boyfriend giving you his passwords to his accounts, that is a sheer invasion of his privacy and TOTAL MADNESS. You are suffocating each other by spending every waking moment with each other too, every couple needs their space, and if you carry on looking for clues whether he has been unfaithful to you he is gonna finally wake up and smell the cappucino and walk out of your life forever.
You must get professional help with this extreme jealousy of yours, otherwise you are gonna make yourself ill. And please appreciate what you have got,there are plenty of women who would do anything to have a caring man like yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): He is such a nice person. You need to go get some counseling, because I feel the reason you're potentially ruining what you have is because you don't think you deserve such a great man. And you have been with all men who were cheaters, so maybe you just assume that's what is going to happen again. If you keep doing this to him he is going to lose respect for the relationship. It's not fair to put this kind of pressure on him, especially when he is so good. Why make him feel like he's always doing wrong? That isn't healthy at all for your relationship. If you can't stop, you need to go get help.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 August 2007):
 The advice you need is very simple: you need to understand that the man isn't cheating, and that you're digging your own grave by suspecting him. Read the signs: he is started to get pissed off. There is nothing worse than scaring away someone who loves you to bits. See if this is what you want to regret later.
In my opinion, he's given you way more than he should have. You have absolute control of what he does. What about him? Does he have absolute control of what you do?
You need some polite shaking, I guess. I hope this is it.
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