A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 18 years and have 4 children, he is miserable, swears at me, and is gernerally a nasty person, other days he is a kind loving person. I am attracted to someone else now which I think is just an escape from my real life. Last month I text him to meet me but he didnt and out of the blue today he invited me over and the inevitable happened. I dont think it meant anything to him, just sex but he is a family man as well. he is a friend I see regularly and know his other half, but feel guilty to my family now but what do I do?
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female
reader, Lilly Rose +, writes (18 May 2009):
 Your not happy so end it with your current husband! Find someone who treats you well, doesnt swear at you! You had sex with another man which shows how lonely you are! Why stay with him? Yes you feel guilt because you did something wrong but nows your chance to look into why you did it! Life is short so why waste time being unhappy? If you really dont want to leave your husband then you need to work things out with him, but id advise you not to tell him, as things will just get worse!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2009): thank you, i just just so tired of our double stds for men and women. maybe in hindsight i should have posted this as a question instead.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): I posted yesterday but my original reply was blocked. Please post my reply since i believe i make some very valid points . Sorry that i have to use this posting to validate my comments but i thought long and hard about this and feel strongly that i have to share this with all:Let me first start by saying this. I find on this website that there are different rules for men and women. When men commit adultery we crucify them, we judge them harshly, criticise, berate and just trash them for being who they are. Good examples are Jace and DonOx ( to name just 2). (although i believe they deserved the lashing meted out to them)However when women subtly mention that they have strayed we are so compassionate about their situation, we give invaluable support never mind that they have been screwing around and messing up the lives of every one around them. Why are WE ( THE ADVICE GIVERS) so hypocritical. We have one standard for men and a more lenient one for women. Realise this, if a person commits adultery it doesn’t matter whether it is a male or female. Our advise/ recommendations/ suggestions should be the same. Not condemning one and condoning the other. We use our emotions when women post yet when men admit to their affair we come down on them like a ton of bricks. The women on the other hand use choice words. They try not to give the clear picture of their affair. Eg. Saying the ultimate happened (meaning they had sex), or we hooked up ( meaning we had sex). A man unusual spells it out ( he usually says he has/had an affair or he had sex). He says exactly what he has done even though he knows the extent of our criticisms. With some women’s posting we have to be psychic. They write in codes and we have to decipher the meaning of their words. They deliberately use words that lessen the true extent of their wrong doing. And we Fall for it. We get so sympathetic and somewhat side with the wrong doer. We offer our support, console, and give hope to the wrong doer. (however we were harshly critical of “Totally in Love”, who was having an affair with a married man)The poor men, get a barrage of criticism. We offend them and treat them like scum. We pity the innocent partners and we have no sympathy whatsoever for the male offenders. WHY DO WE HAVE DOUBLE STANDARDS. Some regular aunts and uncles also give out contradictory and confusing advices based on whether the original poster is male or female. This is not fair. We even offer support to women who lie about their children’s paternity and pass of someone else’s kids as their partners. We also advise and guide cheating women how to get their married men. What is happening here. Women need to be treated the same way as men. We want equality when it suits us. The moment women write “I /we feel so guilty” she has us. We are not so critical and we even make excuses for her behaviour. Over the past few months i have noticed that fewer men post about their infidelity. Why ? they know what is in store for them. Whereas more and more women post about their indiscretions , they get invaluable advise yet still continue with their affairs. When we write something that these women do not want to read they counter post and attack us.Thank you for taking time out to read the above. Now let me focus on the Anon females situation and see it in black and white. It is not what she wants to hear but it is absolutely necessary:you are married, and had sex with another married man. you know his wife yet did not care about her and your husband while having sex with this man. did you have sex at his house since he invited you over? did you not even care that you were defiling his wife's home?plse do not make excuses about how miserably your hb is treating you, you in fact should have only posted about having sex with your friends husband because this is what your posting is about. Yes, i understand that you are lonely but this is no way to ease your loniless.what to do? stop painting your hb as a nasty person when in fact you are and you know it. stop blaming your hb for your wrongdoing. this sex thing did not just happen. you have been putting the moves on this married man and you welcomed his invitation to sex. you did not care that he was a family man. well after turning you down last month, this man knew you were easy and therefore invited you to have sex with him. and he was not wrong now ,was he. if you are so unhappy with your hb why not just leave him. i think he has also had enough shit from you as well and you having sex with another married man is just the tip of the iceberg. you can blame your hb all you want but you went out and did the dirty with this MM, at his home and cared less about his wife. you were only concerned about yourself. lets face some facts. you chased this man. you are an adulterer. you say the inevitable happened - bullshit, you planned it all along. you deliberately cheated and now you want forgiveness or perhaps for us to condone what you did. you have been planning this sex thing for a while now so please do not cry wolf. you wanted it, it happened. now what? you feel sorry. sorry for having the sex with this married man or just sorry that all he wanted from you was easy sex? which you indulged him very nicely with too.lets call a spade a spade and see the real situation. leave you hb. give him a chance to find a faithful wife, a wife who will not spread open her legs then cry about feeling guilt. you pre planned this encounter. you knew what you were doing. congratulations. you are now also an adulterer as well as easy. how long before you do the deed with this man again. and you know you will. you care nothing about his wife and kids. so please do not ly. you only care for yourself and you helped yourself to your friends hb. i hope you can have some sort of self respect for yourself because clearly you do not possess any currently. you need to also learn the difference between right and wrong and you so clearly do not. you are not feeling guilty because you have had sex with someone else. you are only feeling guilty because you had cheap sex with someone who treated you cheaply. next time, value yourself more and stop being a hypocrite and blaming your hb. he did not force you to cheat. you did this all by yourself and will soon learn that your actions have consequences. face reality. face reality. this man used you for sex. you did not matter to him because you chased him for it and got it. i always say becareful what you wish for. it may bite you in the ass when you get it. you wanted sex with this married and got it. satisfied??? Lets focus on your 4 kids. I am assuming they are all minors. What are you going to do about them. You know that you will be committing adultery again (lets just be honest). Are you going to also make their lives miserable and unstable? You have thrown away 18 yrs with your hb because you are dissatisfied with your marriage. Have you not even considered working it out with him. Have you tried asking for someone close to you to intervene and assist you talk to your hb. What interventions have you tried to fix your marriage, except for having an affair. If you do not want your hb, i said it before, let him go. You are not blameless in this. You have done wrong. You had choices yet you choose sex over your marriage. You have also deliberately made this lover of yours stray from his wife and kids. I read a lot of what you hae done. You know your situation and only you can change it. And for goodness sake please stay away from this mans home. You have already tainted and defiled it. Do not add more misery for his wife. Your attraction for her hb is stopping you from working on your own home situation. You are ultimately accountable for your actions, you have choices and you need to choose wisely. If your hb is indeed nasty half of the times and then kind and loving you need to ask yourself why. You need to be brutally honest about your situation and start to fix it. If you cannot please move on. But please stop messing with this married man. His wife shouldn’t be the one to suffer because you are looking for some external stimuli to get through your difficult marriage. I am sorry this is such a long post but it was necessary. Forgive my bluntness but it is necessary. Thank you for allowing me to post this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): IF you still love him, then try to work it out, if you cant stand him and are annoyed with him and know that he doesnt love you, than tell him your done and that you've found someone else
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): think you should leave ur husband for that guy. It's not okay to abuse ur spouse. When he finds out, it's going to get worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): You sound lonely and that comes from beiong in an unhappy marriage. Irregardless, you feel guilt and regret for what you did, to your husband. That's because you are living a lie, you are taking marriage ending steps here by being dishonest. The other man is a bit player here. You know 'nothing' will come of an affair with this guy. He got what he wanted and that was a bit of fun on the side. Lose contact with him. He's a family man and he won't jeopardise his marriage You know that. Now, if your husband is a nasty man, and this situation has grown intolerable I would say to you---you do have choices. And with one of the below choices you can start the ball rolling and make the transitions, you need to in order to find a better life for yourself.
1) there are huge cracks in your marriage that need work. You are simply cheating to garner attention, flattery and validation that you are an attractive, loveable person. How sad. This is your husband's job...to support and love you. And you need to realize what you did, was based on being simply 'ego driven'. Nothing more. It will be a long process and you and your husband can work this out together. Communication, truth and intensive marriage counseling with your husband, is a good option.
or
2) if you can't work this through, then divorce him because at least if you were to do this, there would be an honesty to ending a marriage when you are so unhappy. Divorce is never a pleasant thing to do, but at least it's an honest thing.
Take care and Good luck
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A
female
reader, QuartzKitty  +, writes (16 May 2009):
If your husband is an asshole, divorce him. You shouldn't put up with crap.
And I'd advise you to end the affair. Your lover is married, and cheating himself. If he were single, it'd be a different story. But, he's not.
End it for his sake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2009): i think this other guy is just using you because he has no one else and that he finds it flattering. dont tell your partner and get on with the rest of your life. you will only regret it in the end. i cheated and didnt tell my boyfriend and we now have a brilliant relationship and i dont feel guilty because he cheated on me and thinks that i still dont know any thing about it. just concentrate on you and your boyfriend and you will be happy in the end
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