A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I need your help. I believe you see clearer than me. It is a really long story. I have been here before. I once said I was and still am in love with this guy who twice my age and who is a divorced man with kids and an acoholic as well. But I was still a girl and had no love and sex experience when we first met. He pursued me for half a year until we both were in love. We are from different country. The first time we parted, his feelings faded. It did not come back until one day he relapsed and I took him to hospitals and attended him for days until he left for his country.Though we were parted, we kept talking with each other online. He told me after his divorce he had been with a woman for 3 years. He loved her deeply until one day he found out she had been cheating on her. He said his heart was broken and it took him a year to get over her.He told me he felt nothing until he met me. We were happy and really had good time when we were together.One thing not so nice was that I was so jealous of his love for him that i wanted him to love me as much. I wanted him to put me in a very important position. I wanted him to love me as much as he loved his kids. I did not care who he was and what he did and I did not care his age,drinking problem as long as he loved me.It is just this love( which is too strong. I sometimes became jealous) plus the separation,The feelings faded again. I really upset him before we broke up. The night before we were having a nice talk online. And I told him how much I loved him.But next day he started to avoid me. As I found he went offline right after I went online.I did not know that I noticed his action. I was so angry and became so emotional. I forced him to explain that. He finally admitted that he could not love me any more. He said he could not be in love with someone who was far away and who he could not feel.Besides, he thought our relation would not be apprved.Ater geeting the answer I was even more angry as the night before he seemed still loved before. I felt like being lead on. I thought I was being taken advantage of. I was so nice to him when he was so sick from alcohol. I thought I should not have taken my virginity if he did not love me. If he knew that our relationship would not be approved then why did he pursue me in the first place.Now that we have not heard from each other for a month. I kepy wondering was it really over or did he ever love me when we were so close. I really want to contact him but I do not want him to take my love for granted.I know it is unfair for me but my heart has been ruling my head. What should I do. Should I keep contriving to control my feelings and not contact him or should I give in and let him know I still love him despite all the things happened.
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broke up, divorce, jealous Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angela2  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 Hi, everyone. Though I have been suffering for the relationship which does not exist anymore; though my deep love for him was not reciprocated; I am happy to have friends comfort me and help me whenever I am in need and those people I do not know but give their nice advice and let me feel their constant care and concern. I feel blessed with all of those. Though I loss something value, I am rewarded in other ways. I feel love from others and this lesson makes me grow up overnight. I am going to pull myself up and move on. I won't let all the people care about me down. My sincere gratitude to all of you.I signed up an account named angela2.
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 Anonymous, if he's moved to another Asian country it's quite possible that he's found a new girlfriend. And if he moves to another country again he'll find a new girlfriend again.
He knows how to tell stories to touch your heart (how he loved his ex as much as his own children, etc.) Although you have an innocent heart that's easily moved by his stories, I urge you not to listen to what he says but look at what he does. Divorced, separated from a girlfriend who he loves "more than his children", a girl in a new country (now discarded - that's you), perhaps a girl in another new country. You don't deserve to be hurt by such a man.
I wish you every happiness in your life, which is only just starting. So many people to meet (many of them far better than this guy whose love just "faded"), so many things to see and learn and do. And don't be afraid to love again -- just be careful!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Thanks for your update yesterday. I guess like a lot of others we were really touched by story. From one "old fool" to another, your gonna be alright. We all make mistakes, and yours were done for good reasons. You provides kindness, love and support to this man when he was going through a difficult time.
Seems to me this quality in you is worth a thousand virginities. When the time comes any man is gonna feel proud to walk down the aisle with you at his side. Pure, hell, your so pure at heart that you make my soul ache. Take care, and keep in touch. There's some kind of link on the website, if you wanna get in touch but I'm not sure how it really works.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I need to clarify this. I do not want him to love me as his child and that is for sure. I care so much about it is because once I was told that he love his ex g/f as much as or even more than his own children. In order to be with her, he moved away from his own kids. I admit I was jealous of that. But I knew what's important is the4 existence of love but not the degree of it. Anyway, oldfool I thank you for you care and nice advice. I've decided to let it go. What's done is done. I can not change it. I get hurt and I learn and move on and be a real, mature woman. Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (14 May 2008):
I can understand how you feel about this. But there are a couple of things about your posts that need comment.
First, although you come from a traditional society that values chastity, I am sure you will find that there are many girls around you who are not as chaste as you think they are. And there are plenty of good men who will not be upset that you are not a virgin, men who can accept you as you are. (I've lived in Japan and in the big cities, at least, chastity before marriage is not such a common thing.)
Secondly, your jealousy at his children is not healthy. A person's children are on a totally different level from their husband/wife or lover. You can change a husband/wife or change a lover, but you can never change the fact that someone is your son or daughter. You need to accept that a man's love for his children is a totally different thing from his love for you. True love for another person should never be the kind of love that tears him/her apart from his/her children.
If you want to be loved like a child, I suspect that you may have loved this man as a father figure. I think you need to gain more experience with life so that you can matur and can find someone who loves you as a woman, not as a child.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): I need to add. I am from a healthy and traditional family. And my parents care about me deeply. He is not in his own country now. He is in another country in Asia now because of his work. Now he is sober. He is capable of giving his love when he is sober. And he loves his children deeply but not me.Anyway, I gave him what other women won't give. Enough is enough. It is not going to be easy.The mixed feelings are goings to haunt me for ages.One thing good is I am much more mature than I was.I was way too innocent.But the cost is way too heavy and it is really a painful lesson.Though I still love him I will move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Hi, It comforts me a lot when I got up finding so many people giving so much nice advice. He was an alcohol. but he had a strong identity. He was good when he was sober. He also felt embarrassed about his drinking problem. When I gone through all the things I did feel I was being taken advantage of. I think the loss of my virginity to him did intensify the feelings.It would be a comfort if he did love my when he took it.In where I live the chastity before marriage is still expected. Now I do not view myself clean and pure.I do not know how to tell my future husband that I was not a virgin and lost my virginity to a man twice my age.I do not know whether I should lie or not.I will be haunted by guilt if I lied to him.But if not, even if he loves me deep enough and be torlerant enough, he will not be as happy as he could have been.And it is not his fault. It is just root in his mind that his wife should be pure which I am not now.It hurts and bothers my a lot whenever I think about it. What should I do about that?All of you agree that I should not contact him again.You are right I probably will be better off without him.I sincerely thank you for all your advive and concern about me. I know what is best for my. I will try my best and let time heal me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Time to move on baby. Forget him. Find other things to do with your time. See friends, get a haircut. Start studying. Whatever, it dosen't matter, and this too will pass.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (13 May 2008):
Rhythmandblues has expressed what I was saying but in much blunter terms. This guy is an arsehole. He liked it while it lasted, but he never intended for it to go any further and he doesn't want you to go to his country. That's all.
You gave him your virginity. Well, people lose their virginity in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it's with someone they're in love with, sometimes it's not. As you said, you're a nice girl and you can find someone better than an alcoholic divorcee. Go out and find someone who's worthy of your love, not this loser.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (13 May 2008):
I can understand why you want to know why his feelings faded, but you won't necessarily like the answer. In fact, he's basically told you the reason:
* He knows you're too young for him, which is why your relationship is "not approved". Of course, he knew that from the start, but at the time he wasn't thinking of the consequences. It sounds like he doesn't have a very strong sense of responsibility.
* He enjoyed the time that you spent together (who wouldn't, you're an attractive young woman), but you're far apart now and he's decided not to go any further. Of course, you could go to his country, but he doesn't want the responsibility of having you do that.
Since you've made it clear that you're deadly serious, he's probably afraid of pursuing it any further. He's back in the reality of his own country after his dream time in Japan, and he isn't ready to accept the prospect of a very young Japanese woman suddenly arriving on his doorstep and expecting to build a love life together. Quite simply, he doesn't love you enough for that. Of course, it's possible there is someone else. But whatever the reason, he's decided to call it quits.
You have very strong feelings for this man, but as the aunts are telling you, there's no future with someone like this. His alcohol addiction is bringing out your motherly instinct, but it can only be destructive of any relationship you might have with him. If you try and pursue him you'll only find unhappiness and grief.
You're still young and have plenty of chances to find love with someone else. Give this man a miss and start looking at some of the guys who are asking you for dates.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): You don't care if you are seen as crazy and insane, you care so little for yourself that you even are wondering what it is about you that made his feelings for you fade, or if it was because he met someone better.
The truth of the matter is and you don't want to hear it or own it, you were taken advantage of by a slick, sick, more experienced man twice your age....his feelings did not fade, he never intended to love you in the first place.
He is divorced with kids.
He is a sick alchoholic incapable of love.
He allowed you to take care of him when he was sick in the hospital and no one else would help him probably because he has disappointed them so often with his drinking.
He doesn't have fading feelings, he is screwed up and so are you if you continue to pine for this loser.
Let it go, get some professional counseling and stop doing things to hurt yourself, like losing your virginity to a guy twice your age without commitment, without him being a worthy available healthy partner.
Do you have a poor relationship with your parents or is your father absent from the home, or is someone in your house also an alchoholic? If so you are at great risk of continuing this self destructive behavior, and you need to get some help for this.
I am more worried about you than this man and his fading feelings. He's a jerk, enough said.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Thank you for your answers.I told this to other people,but they all do not believe it. They said I was too nice to be true. But it is.And I turned down all other men who pursued me.I think it is mainly because he is my first love and to whom I lost my virginity.People call it a crush,but I know deep down it was not . People say I was crazy,or insane. But I do not care. I really want to know why his feelings for me faded. I often wonder if it was because he met someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Your story makes me very sad. You are and were a young, naive girl with no experience and you were tricked by a sick man. He is way too old to be having sexual relations with you, in my country he would have been arrested for statuatory rape with a minor (you) and his name would have been on a national sex offenders list.....and he would have done jail time.
He is a very sick individual, he is an alchoholic, alchoholics in late stage disease have a destruction of their personality, they cross safe boundaries very easily with people, and they don't have rational thoughts most of the time, they cannot love anyone let alone themselves, the addiction has taken their free will, and they love only their next drink.
Thank your lucky stars that he is not living in your country, as you have become caught up in his addiction and his drama and would easily have become his codependent partner in crime.
I suggest that you seek some counseling from a psychologist for your own feelings that you confuse with love...you have some damage from being with this man who can not be consistent in his words and deeds, and he has you confused about who you are. Stay well clear of him, never contact this man again, and next time choose better, do not ever get involved again with a man or boy who has a drug addiction or drinking problem....this is a bad sign for you if you continue to do this, there is something wrong with you if you choose men who are this dangerous for you and you need help to get to the bottom of why you are doing this to yourself.
Take care and good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): You answering your own questions, sweetheart. You was and still are in love with this guy who twice your age. He is divorced, with kids and is an alcoholic. He chased you, pursued you and encouraged you to give him your virginity. You had no sexual experience, whilst he's been married and divorced. The relationship fininished, and then he remembered you when he needed to go to hospital. I don't understand how you got parted again when "his feelings faded" a little later on, but you say when you tell him "I love you" he starts avoiding you. Honey, none of this is sounding any good. He can only love you if he can "feel" you. Your relationship is not approved of. And now you want to know whether or not you should control your feelings, should you contact him. Girl, know thyself. You love him, he's an alcholic, who has funny kind of "fading" feelings. I think it's all been said.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Let it go, do not contact him. This relationship has reached a dead end. Get busy with your young life.
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