A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI am with my bf for almost 4 years. We never really talked about marriage as he has some commitment issues. We had our ups and downs, but for past 2 months relationship is going downhill, he often talks about his boss (lady) with whom he had a crush on. She is happily married. He told me few days back that one of his Junior is hitting on him, i didn't take this seriously as he often tells me that all the girls in office hit on him, he is the hot guy blah blah, seriously he is not even that smart looking.Anyways he told me yesterday his junior was asking him out for coffee and he told her that he loves their boss (lady boss). I am shocked that he told her that and im shocked that he'll tell me this in a very cool way. I didnt know how to react or wat to say, i just walked out and staying at my friends right now, trying to figure out what exactly is happening. BTW he never called me.What should i do now, i am confused and if i talk to him i know ill take him back, this kind of things happened before like he belittling me, avoiding for weeks together, verbal abuse.. but i always go back. I am not sure that i want to go back this time. Was he telling me the truth when he told her that he loves his boss and why cant he tell her that he has a gf. Am i making a big deal out of nothing. Please help me
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2014):
 If you two live together, now is the time to cut and move. If you share bills remove yourself (or him) from them. If you two rent and only one person is on the lease, then you need either find a new place or ask him to move.
Get support. Have a family member or good friend help you (whether it be moving you or moving HIM out)
If you don't have a job right now, FIND one before making your move. Avoid being dependent on a guy.
Be committed to the break up, don't be a wuss. You know that it IS the best thing FOR YOU to end it so why don't you? Saying OH BUT I LOVE HIM!! what exactly is that you love so much? Him belittleling you? Him being verbally abusive? Him ignoring you? Him taking you 100% for granted? Exactly what?Does whatever good side he has overpower these bad ones? Because I can't imagine they do.
Why are you thinking this is OK?
WHY do you keep taking him back? Are you that scared of being single? Is it better to be with an abusive guy then being alone?
You NEED to figure out why you keep doing the same thing and expect a different outcome. That is pointless and you know it.
He keeps you around so that he has someone to abuse, it makes him feel MANLY, macho - not out of love. People don't ABUSE the ones they love.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2014): He doesn't care what he says to you; because as you said, you'll just take him back.
You've never put your foot down. You have very little self-esteem. He knows it. He thinks he's all-that. You say he isn't, but you can't let him go. That is because you fear he will just go after all those women he has been blatantly talking about in-front of you. That's his mind-game to test how far he can push it with you. He will cheat eventually, if he hasn't already. He has your head conditioned to take him back, no matter what he says or does.
He is a narcissistic A-hole. He gets his kicks out of saying things that make you squirm. You give him narcissistic-supply by being submissive and passive; even when he treats you badly. You'll let him dump on you, as long as he doesn't leave you. It's starting to wear you down, and it's getting harder and harder. Because he is getting worse. He is trying to see what it takes to break you. He is almost sadistic with it. He wants you to break it off. Then he'll be rid of you for good. Maybe you wont stalk and cling. If you stay, he still has a housekeeper.
He knows exactly what infatuation is all about; because that's the relationship you have with him. You're clinging to him, and he can just about say whatever he likes to you, and he has no respect whatsoever for your feelings.
Women over 30 let men walk all over them. They figure their options are limited. If they don't have drop-dead looks, or they've got body-image insecurities; they'll put up with total bullsh*t. They think all we want are hot skinny young girls. As if no matter what we look like, we can still get one! Maybe, with a huge bank account! Then the possibilities are endless! Finding true-love, not so easy.
In the meantime; he's manipulating the women at work. Sorting out his own infatuations and crushes. Strutting around like a peacock and basking in any attention he can provoke. In spite of you. Using the fact he has a girlfriend as part of his appeal and attraction. Being the forbidden fruit, the hand's off guy. He is a legend in his own mind!
What can anyone say if you know you're going to go back to him, if you talk to him? What can we say that your mum hasn't told you, your friends are telling you; and your heart most of all?
You are not poo on his shoe. You don't deserve to be ground and scrapped into the pavement. You have feelings and you should stand-up for yourself. Advice is no good; unless you put it to good use.
I predict he will call, and he will very sweetly apologize to you.
That's all you want. An apology. Not for him to change or show you more respect. You'll settle for an apology. Just for it to sound sweet. Then it's back to business as usual.
Well, if you have more respect for yourself; you'd consider bringing an end to all this nonsense. He is not going to marry you. You are holding out against hope on that.
Why would you want to marry someone who expresses openly how he feels about other women in-front of you? Even joking that is cruel.
When you sense your own self-worth, and realize it's better to have no man; than to have one who makes you feel like shit; you'll do what is best for yourself.
I hope you will do what's best for yourself.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 March 2014):
 When I was much younger..... probably 16 Y.O. or younger .... I learned that, if I took a hammer to my toes, it would hurt. Armed with that information, I vowed to never again slam my toes with a hammer....
Is my story ("I know that if I smack my toes with a hammer, it will hurt...") any different than your question?
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (29 March 2014):
 If he is in love with his boss then it's no doubt unrequited, it's probably in all honesty just a crush!
He obviously has good self esteem to think that so many women want his attention.
Whether this belief of his is true or not, it's disrespectful for him to go on about it to you.
He either doesn't want to be with you but is too much of coward to break it off with you (maybe because he wants you to dump him so he can be the 'victim') or he's just cruel and wants to hurt you.
Either way. do you really see a future with this guy? Do you really want to be with man who has so little respect for you that he would openly chase or declare his love for other women? Don't you deserve someone who would treat you with dignity and put you above all other women?
I say keep moving forward and leave this guy behind, he's no good for you.
I wish you well AB x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2014): That sounds a bit dodgy.
If he was joking, surely he would have rung you to ask you to come back.
Look, if you don't feel that you want to be in this relationship (understandably if he is verbally abusing you and saying things like this) then go back and pack your bags, move in with your friend for a while and see how things go.
I think walking out when you did was the right thing to do but now you need to make a statement and ensure that he knows he cannot do this to you again, if he wants to play games then he can find someone else. Stay strong to who you are and don't let him mess you around, doll. You're better than his games.
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