A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I wonder if anyone can help me..So I have been with my boyfriend for just over 3years and also he's an overthinker and recently he was feeling a little depressed. I supported him and was going out of my way to be there all the time .. he was making excuses that as he works shifts he couldn't see me week one .. that was fine week two again he was tired needed to sort stuff etc . Week three I'm had a smalloperation and was feeling quite ill.pcoukfnt talk to him so I called him back later and he said I'm tired I'm going to bed spk tomorrow.3days passedhe didn't call..so I called he didn't pick up .one week passed I texted him and he said I had let him down and did not want to speak on me. I thought ok... Following week I called he said he felt I let him down etc knew I had the op no sympathy no wish you well nothing ..he said he was upset as I hadn't brought his son an 18th birthday present. And that was it he sent me a text a few days later and said he needed some time out to see what he wants and for me not to ask any questions!!!I am feeling so upset just think I should walk away but I love him what to do... please help x
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2019): The magic-period between 3-5 years into the relationship. Most of our posts received among non-married couples is within this time-frame. I call it the "make-it or break-it phase."
You haven't progressed or evolved to the next step (possibly engagement, or marriage); so you're hovering in a state of suspended-animation. Your arguments increase, usually over petty matters. Compromise becomes difficult, affection becomes rare, passion fades; and people become suspicious or paranoid about their partners. There is unwillingness to discuss matters reasonably like adults. There is pouting and ignoring. Somebody uses the "silent-treatment" as a passive-aggressive way to shut the other up.
He's now using the "time-out" excuse. His mind is already made up; because he was picking a fight and being unreasonable, to coax you to initiate separation. He didn't answer your calls and messages; that was a passive-aggressive attempt at rejection. A head-game! You were supposed to get angry, have a big argument; and at that point, breakup!
You've been too submissive, understanding, absorbing the blame, accepting the abuse, and incessantly forgiving. Making it hard to get around you. He's not getting the angry-reaction he hoped he'd get. You're avoiding any provocation that would give him the reason to just instantly end-it! You're so absurdly reasonable!
His being so unreasonable and overreacting about something that doesn't make sense should be a clue that he has been contemplating a breakup. You've gotten other clues; but you've failed to mention them. Buried yourself in denial. Maybe you omitted them, because they're too painful to mention.
He probably snaps and snarls at you. Criticizes you on every little imperfection. Exaggerates the effects of your mistakes. He doesn't show you much or any spontaneous-affection. Yet you love him! He barks and snaps; and you cower and give-in to pacify his temper. You mother him and kiss his boo-boos when he whines.
He had to pick an issue to cause disagreement to make it your fault. That way he has reason to request a time-out to think. He has already set an expiration-date for the end of the relationship; but he's trying to breakup without drama, and you having an emotional-outburst. He's easing his way out. It ended...because of you...you've let him down!
What did you do, go and pressure him about marriage? Try to discuss the future of the relationship? What?!! He flipped it around on you; so he can say YOU let HIM down! You naughty naughty girl, you!
Prepare to let-go. You can love him all you want; but it's infatuation, if you aren't getting it back.
Sorry, but his exit-strategy is cliche. It's so common and cowardly, it's an insult to the intelligence.
He's tired of the relationship, and thinks he has found an excuse to wiggle his way out. If he has to worm his way out and acts like a man-baby, what choice do you have but to let him go? No matter what you say or do at this point; he'll have a comeback or rebuttal to make his argument stick. You're tried and convicted.
Time-outs and breaks are attempts to build-up a wall to block any further discussion. It is just avoiding a fight or eliminating any attempt on your part to make a plea for another chance. His whiny excuse is unmanly and childish.
Keep us updated.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 May 2019):
 You might as well walk away , as it is wiser and smarter, because anyway he is already in the process of disconnecting or disconnected already. In other words, if you don't walk away- he will; so might as well show some dignity and save yourself mental anguish by avoiding voluntarily to drag things on.
You may feel that you really love him (btw, I am with the other respondents in doubting this fellow's lovability , but that would not be the point ) - yet it takes two to tango. You love him ( maybe ) but he surely does not ACT like someone who loves you or cares about you- so what's the point in being the one left with all the grunt work in a relationship ?
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (9 May 2019):
 Not sure what you love here exactly, sounds like a prick to be quite honest.
You had an operation and he didn’t fuss over you in the slightest yet YOU let HIM down for not getting his son a birthday present?
You can do better.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 May 2019):
 Loving someone is fine, but you have to love YOURSELF first and foremost. This man CANNOT love YOU if he treats you the way he does. Don't allow him to guilt-trip you just because HE is feeling low.
In your shoes I would send him one last message, something alone the lines of "I am a good person. I am not perfect. I did my best. I am sorry that is not good enough for you. There are things YOU have done which I haven't liked either. I do not deserve to be treated the way you are treating me. Neither do I deserve to sit around waiting for you to decide whether you want a relationship with me or not. If you can't talk to me and discuss this in an adult manner, then there is nowhere for us to go. I wish you all the best." Give him a couple of days. If you don't hear from him (which you probably won't), take it as the end of the relationship, delete his number and move on with your life.
YOU DESERVE BETTER.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (9 May 2019):
 What is exactly that you LOVE about him?
Him not bothering talking to you, seeing you? CARING for you after your operation?
He sounds like he is a piece of crap of a partner and he also seems like he is DONE with you, but he hasn't exactly dumped you straight out because he knows you can either still be useful or you will create drama.
OP, you might "LOVE" him or rather who you think he COULD be... or who he USED to be, but he doesn't love you. A guy doesn't treat someone he loves like that. And you know it.
Yes, you should walk away but for whatever reason you are a glutton for punishment.
Are you REALLY that desperate for a man in your life that you will ALLOW to be treated like that?
Everything that isn't working for him in his life he is blaming on you and you just keep taking it.. THAT isn't love either. THAT is YOU ignoring ALL the red flags.
Come on OP, USE your common sense.
Time to let him go.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 May 2019):
 This man is treating you badly hoping you will end it so that he wont feel guilty about dumping you.
Stop playing his stupid childish games, block his number and block him on social media, have a good cry for a few weeks, you are permitted to mourn a dead relationship, and then put on your big girl panties and get on with living your life … he is not adding anything positive to it, so its much better to not have him in it.
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