A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in what does not feel like a relationship since 1999. Looking back he was great dad to by older kids and the one we have but he did not move things on with me. We never lived together, he never bought me presents or remembered my birthday. Never took me out. I have been bored and have considered ending the relationship since 2010For the pass 3 years we have hardly had sex so the relationship is dead and I want to confirm it in a letter but frighten that he will end it with his son as well. (He barely maintains him).I met up with my first love in July then again in October. He knows that I am in an unhappy relationship but the time we spent together was really special and I feel we could rekindle with a little work.I know I need to end with my child's father first but do you think my ex is right to be holding back contact. I have my works xmas party coming up and was thinking of asking my ex to come with me but keep thinking he will say no as we have only met up twice although spent quite a long time together.Any advice welcome.I am trying to make my ex do the chasing as I know he does not like it when I do. This is how I use to be when we were younger and he told me. I have been holding out for quite a while and keep thinking he is not to contact me. when I think how well we get on when together, \I know that's not true. I can tell there is something there still.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 November 2015):
 Yes, I think he is right, your ex is being wise and prudent. Although you may be unhappy in your relationship, and although it may not be very sexual atm, you are still very much IN a relationship with no actual plan or set date to leave it. Your ex does not want to step in into anything messy, and , while he might be , or have been, not strong enough to tell you
" no " when you seek him out, at least he is smart enough to stay away from such a hazy , unclear situation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2015): I agree fully with WiseOwl. I'm baffled about why you let this awful relationship go on for so long or why you feel any commitment to this man. I assume that you stayed in the relationship solely for the kids. I'm sorry. It must have been hell for you.If I were in your shoes, I would end the relationship immediately. It's not much of a relationship anyway. This man is clearly not committed to you and doesn't want to be committed to you; thus, the reason why he doesn't live with you or honor you in any way. As a result, there's no reason why you should be committed to him. You owe him no explanation. It sounds like he really doesn't care a great deal about you. He merely sees you as his child's mother--nothing beyond that other than a source of casual and uncomplicated sex every now and then. I suspect that he feels some responsibility for his child, which is the only reason he comes around at all. I would guess that early in the relationship, he was using you for sex, but he never had any intention of things going further.Having a child with you and living apart from you gave him an opportunity to sort of "play house" without the dedication, giving, sacrifice, sharing, and emotional bonding that goes into a real relationship. Though you had his child, the relationship was nothing more than casual dating in his mind. He got to remain a bachelor.He sounds immature and probably has major intimacy problems.He may even have other women in his life whom he strings along similar to the way he treats you.But no matter how you look at it, when it comes down to it, he used you and is still using you. Stop letting him do that. You deserve so much more.Write him a letter and tell him these things if you wish. It may make you feel better. But it won't change things.As for his son, however he decides to treat his son after the "relationship" is officially over is totally on him and not you. I believe he will continue to see his son as that is his only bond to you now. And you can't live a life of unhappiness based on whether this man will support your son. If it's an issue of financial support, you can go through legal channels, and he'll probably have to pay more in child support than he's paying now.As for your first love, yes I think he's wise to be holding back contact right now as he knows you're in another relationship. That speaks well of him. I suggest that you go slow with him. People change through the years. You two need to get to know each other all over again. I think the Christmas party is a good start. Good luck. I hope your first love turns out to be your true love and brings you great happiness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2015): How does a bad relationship go on for so many years may I ask you? If he treated you so poorly, why would you let such a display go on in-front of your older children? Even at the age of three, children are not idiots; and can see what isn't right. They know when you're not being treated properly, and instinctively feel your pain and sorrows.
Now you want to recycle something with some guy you broke it off with (aka your first love) from your past. Why did you break-up with that guy?
Did you only keep things going with this guy since 1999; because you needed help with your kids? Probably because their father was absent? Other than really putting up with the guy, because you might have needed his help; I don't see where there was any love going on with either of you. Your whole story is rather perplexing.
I can say this. Get your legal ducks in a row. You've got one child he has to financially support, and he's going to want to see the child (not you); so it's all about the child. You've already picked out his replacement; so that could be the main reason he's "holding out," as you say.
People can't love unless they feel feedback. Games and tricks are for kids. Grown-ups in relationships with kids in the middle is a disaster; because it's the kids who suffer from these dysfunctional relationships. They need love and stability. Role models and comfort. If he is shut-off from you, let him be. Speak through an attorney and make sure the money talks; even if he won't.
As for the other guy, get rid of the first one and keep "first-love" on-hold; until you've got it all settled.
The kids are going to be quite confused by all this. Well, at least the youngest.
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