A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for nine years. We have lived togehter for eight of those years. I love him. The beginning of our relationship was great we had so much fun together got along great. He was my best friend. At my job about three years ago I meant a guy. We talked all the time on the phone and had dinner together once. There was no sex. He made me feel wanted and good about myself. Something that had stopped in my relationship. I still never wanted to leave my boyfriend I just enjoyed the attention from the other guy. My boyfriend eventually found out about the other guy and flipped. He didn't leave me because I promised I would stop talking to him. For some reason I didn't, I don't know why. My boyfriend found out again he still didn't leave me. I changed my phone number and the other guy received it through friends. I got a new job the other guy found out where I worked he wouldn't leave me alone, he had fallen in love with me I led him on. This whole situation went on for a little over a year. The last time I saw the other guy was when he showed up at my work while my boyfriend was dropping me off. My boyfriend still didn't leave me.That was the end of me and the other guy. Like I said took place for a little over a year. My boyfriend was hurt because of all the lies. Little things would make him mad, he was jealous and there ws no trust. Eventually one fight started and he had asked me to leave. This was last summer and we kept in touch and saw each other occasionally. I came back in october and things were getting better. Again this summer another fight happened and he asked me to leave again. Lies that had happened from that year with the other guy were appearing and even though it was done with my boyfriend didn't care. So far I've been out of the house for a month. We still see each other, we have dogs together my stuff is still there. I want him back. I love him soooooooooo much it hurts. I know I hurt him I know I lied over and over. It is all out in the open now but he doesn't care anymore. A couple weeks ago I found out he was talking to another girl he says there is no sex. Honestly I don't care. I want him back. I know he loves me he is just hurt. What do I do to get him back, I really feel like he is my "one" I messes up but that was years ago and I would never do it again.
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male
reader, anonymous692 +, writes (1 March 2009):
To tell you the truth, things like cheating especially in marriage are one-time offenses. Even if a person has changed, just knowing that they were unfaithful brings pain and in some cases it's permanent. If your boyfriend is willing to continue on a relationship, then that's great! You should make a covenant with your boyfriend not to relapse into old habits.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 You would never do it again. How is he supposed to believe you? What are you doing to convince him that this is the truth?
I am not just talking about the usual crying and emotional promises. No doubt you promised to be true when you two got together and so your word has little value to him. That is the problem with cheating and lying, saying you won't do it again just isn't believed.
That he kicked you out BUT didn't sever all ties shows that he still cares but... well he doesn't want to be hurt yet again.
If you do find out a way to convince him, let us know, you will have found a solution to a problem as old as time.
Do not push him to much. Keep the promises to a minimum, everytime you swear you will be true you are just reminding him that you lied before.
Instead show it through actions that you will not hurt him again. Stay true to him, stay in his life via the dogs and just remind him gently of the good times and just show him that you miss him.
Let him heal but accept that this may take some time and that the relationship might very well be over and there is nothing you can do about it.
One way or another, learn your lesson so that you will NOT make the same mistake again.
In away you got to accept that right now this isn't about how you feel, but about his feelings. He is the one who was hurt. Stop focussing on what you want and start thinking about what he wants. And most likely that is NOT to be with a woman he can't trust, so how can you change that?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Men are born to take it heart-attack serious when a woman lies to them about outside affairs. (If they hadn't been very wrapped up about it for the last 10,000 years, they wouldn't have been raising enough of their own kids.)So this broken trust is a hell of a big violation to him. You say you didn't sleep with the other guy (and that's very good), but it sounds like you did pretty much every other possible thing to signal your BF that you weren't a safe bet to be trustworthy about cheating.I think the fact that you kept seeing this other guy after your BF found out (you said "I don't know why") is a signal that you were still unhappy with your BF relationship. Was that stuff ever really fixed? If it wasn't, then you'll be back on the rocks with your BF pretty soon even if he does take you back now.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 June 2008):
 First, lets look at this from his side. You hurt him, lied too him, caused him a great deal of mental harm, had a emotional affair. With this being said, do you deserve another chance? I'm not talking about wanting one. Deserving and wanting are different.
With what you've done, you've learned a couple of things. First of all, using a quick fix by seeking attraction from someone else, can cause you to loose all in the end. Second, people who've been hurt do not always just bounce back. You've destroyed the trust in this relationship.
Knowing these circumstances, you should now know it's not about you, and what you want. He's in a position of choice. You, who's caused him great pain, or the possability of someone else who has not caused him any pain. So, you'll have to prove to him that all though you've caused this great deal of pain, you might still be a better choice than someone who hasn't caused any. You'll have to prove your trust.
On the other end, what's done is done. So it's inappropriate to continue bringing up the past as an issue to current arguments. If he forgives you, then the past needs to be dropped as well. If he chooses to be with you, he must do so with who you are now, and not what you did prior too.
From a psychological stand point. Sometimes people get over the sex in an affair, faster than the emotional. Sex is just sex. An emotional affair is one of the heart. That's what it's this difficult to get another chance. I bet he's thinking if he were to give you another chance, how long before you become emotionally attached with another person.
You're going to have a long road ahead. It's difficult, but if he's worth it too you, don't give up.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): 9 years! Wow...that is a long time. So much history. I have a feeling that he may just think enough is enough and move on. I know he still loves you---he is just really hurt. I would be a friend to him right now. Take the sex right out of the picture and just be a friend. Then maybe something can develop again. That is exactly what I am doing with my ex as he has left me as well. Give him time to heal. In the end, I hope it works out for you because if he really loves you, love will always prevail.
And this other chick---a total rebound. Nothing is going to happen with them. Don't worry...=)
Good luck!
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