A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is going to be long, I'm afraid.I'm 23 years old, and in a long term relationship. I have anxiety problems/am a chronic worrier...unsure as to how to sum it all up! I've needed to get help for quite some time, and have only just started to do so. I’m stubborn, and once I make a decision I will dig my heels in. I don’t like to burden people with my problems, and I tend to refuse help, both of which push people away. I will sit up at night in tears, fearing I have no motivation, skill, worth or life goals. Sometimes I get a irrational thought in my head, and it escalates to the point of me having a panic attack over it. There’s so much more to it, but that gives you a good enough idea, I think.My boyfriend has been with people in the past with very similar problems, none of which ended well. He has been nothing but kind, supportive and loving towards me, but 9 months of this behaviour has obviously started to take its toll on him. Like a lot of people, when dealing with this, he has started to pull back from us a bit. Unintentional, and completely understandable. But much more and I will lose him.We spoke last night, and I know that I need to change. He can’t pinpoint (at the moment) exactly what I may need to change, and one problem with me is that I expect to see immediate results.Judging from what I have said etc, can anybody give me some ideas on what I could begin to change? It can be big, small, but I need to be able to show him I really am trying. I’m struggling with what I can begin to work on right now, therapy will help but I’m still awaiting on my appointment. Any advise would be greatly appreciated, thank you. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (14 July 2014):
 Hey there. :)
Sorry to hear about your anxiety issues. Coming from someone who has been in a relationship for quite some time now with a woman suffering many of the same symptoms as you (different in many ways, but similar), the only person doing all the work shouldn't be you. Yes, you have things you need to work on. But the thing is, he needs to also accept that this is also a reality and may be the case for quite some time now, and do HIS part in learning how to have a relationship with you while you are learning to manage your symptoms.
Let me give you a few pointers from things I have learned along the way. Perhaps they can help.
My gf is diagnosed with PTSD from childhood trauma. She also is diagnosed with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. As a whole, she is an amazingly wonderful woman with so much to offer. Her anxiety and depression aren't who I see as a woman. There's so much else to her besides that. But it is a reality we live with. And one she's working hard on in order to better herself and her symptoms. But the thing is, she will always have these symptoms. They don't just magically go away. You just learn how to manage them. That's what she's doing. I'm trying to do my part, too, by not expecting her to change over night and just by learning how to best support her. Sometimes, the best way I can support her is to just give her a bunch of space. Other times it's by taking her out and distracting her. Other times it's by hugging her and holding her while she's struggling. What she needs changes all the time and it's not always easy knowing what to do at any given moment. And I'm sure I fail many times. But it's a learning process and we are both doing our best. She's doing her best to manage her symptoms and I'm doing my best to learn how to support her while she is doing that.
My point being that it's a team effort. And it's not one that he can just sit back and expect you to change over night while he sits idly by and judges you. If he loves you and is serious about this relationship, he needs to realize he has things he's going to need to change, too. Or at least recognize and acknowledge.
You have made the first step - you're recognizing that you want to make a change and work through these issues. Good for you. It WONT happen instantly. There will be NO instant gratification. So get that out of your head. But you're moving in Tue right direction. Therapy is the best first step. Then just go from there. Take it one day at a time. And if your boyfriend is patient and loves you, he will do his part, too.
Best of luck to you. Take care.
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