A
female
age
30-35,
*twinklex
writes:So, babies!To start at the beginning (obvious, right?) I didn't have the most amazing childhood, and my parents didn't have the most amazing marriage (I know no one has things perfect but I would have at least wished for 'average')Because of this I have, from "dating" age... always been publicly adamant that I never want to get married and I never want children, my entire family has had to put up with my iron will over this! Lol. Also, having never really had a GOOD relationship, there's never been the "this could work" lightbulb moment.BUT!I've recently got with someone (almost 3 months) and he's the nicest, kindest person I know. He's really good to me, which is new and we have so much in common, which is also new (due to lack of prior confidence, I dated anyone who asked lol) What I think I like most is that we've already proper argued...and talked it out, moved on and made up unlike with previous people where I would just stay quiet and do as I was told.So here's the kicker, I can't stop daydreaming about babies and the like! I've been inadvertently been finding myself in the baby aisle in stores, wondering what names would sound best, cooing over babies that previously I've had no time for (they all look the same, right?)And before you say it, I am well aware of the 'honeymoon' period... and the fact we've only been together for 3months! I don't have ANY plan to try and get pregnant, either openly or secretly. I am 21, still in uni, unemployed and even if this relationship DOES go the distance, NOW is most certainly not the time for such things!I just don't know what to do about these daft little unwanted daydreams of mine... I'm worried that it might make me become awkward towards him, and also it's embarrassing having to admit to family that actually I want to (eventually) cave and do the whole marriage and kids thing.Is there actually any harm in what I'm feeling? Is it just a 'hormone/age' thing? Should I just go with it? Or should I really try and stop it? If so, how??I'm just worried I'm being unusual.
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (27 November 2010):
 hi, i always thought you were normal.
And i was already impressed that you are an intelligent young lady.
And that you are committed to your University studies.
I didn't know you were already doing the things i suggested. So my thoughts are mirroring what you already decided were good things to do.
You have demonstrated that ably by detailing that you are already involved in the best things to advance your development, with networking and volunteering.
That is why i put time into my first reply. And even more thought into my follow up.
I only thought you had one or both parents who had hurt you or failed you or put you off being a parent.
And you have confirmed that in a way, in that you and your Mom have a strained relationship and you have said you hate your mother. So of course you would not want to emulate your Mom.
Role models and mentors are a great way to build on skills we already have, to skill up even more. Businesses often practise such mentoring programs. And i am sure you will have a great skill set of things you will employ to be a great Mom if and when you decide to be a parent, if you do choose to be one.
When i was not long out of Uni i was employed on a program to support and work closely with young women (oldest 22) and teens as young as 13 with multiple problems (yes, you are not a teen, i'm getting to the point). All these teens had a parent who was an alcoholic, some of the girls also had alcohol and/or drug issues. And all were pregnant. But the program ensured they got the chance to build a support network and skills before baby arrived. All were emotionally estranged from their Moms. Not one of them felt good about the parenting they'd had. Of the few still with a Mom, their lives were full of stress and fights. Some now lived with a sibling or an older relative. Two lived with the family of the boyfriend. Some were still too young to leave school. Most of them didn't want to be at or go back to school. It was illuminating as the counsellors worked through plans to support them and how to cope with what they were facing. For the two of the youngest i think it would have been better if they'd had abortions, but it was too late for that. And during the program one by one they also revealed that they felt unloved so they thought a baby was the answer. So that's where my experience a babies and wanting one came from.
But those girls are NOT you.
Their issues are NOT yours.
And i think you hit the nail on the head with your summation on why you have now been drawn to think about babies. Even though now is not the right time.
From your subsequent posts i know more about your background, motivations and outlook. I can see more clearly now. And thank you for your clarification. You are clearly made of sterner stuff than some of the young women and teens i mentioned above, from much more deprived backgrounds than you.
Thankfully, you have so much more going for you in your life.
Some Moms are difficult. I just hope that when you marry that your husband's Mom is a gem. And becomes a great support to you as a second Mom who is wonderful to you.
I really do wish you every success in the future. My replies were from the heart, in that initially i was very worried for you. Now i am very impressed with you.
You have thought things through very well.
A
female
reader, xtwinklex +, writes (27 November 2010):
xtwinklex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI apologise for being a bit harsh in my reply but it really does seem like you were aiming to imply I had no goal in my life other than to get a baby, secretly if need be. I assure you this isn't true. Also on your point of contraception, I'm not sure what 20+ year olds are like in general but I've had safe sex instilled in me and have been on the pill for several years and will continue to be so for as long as babies are a bad idea.
I have to say - I found your second answer to be far more helpful. I didn't mean to backtrack on my childhood but rather explain it. I hate my mother, and people tend to say you become your mother. I would be heartbroken if a child thought of me what I think of her. This is where my 'no babies' decision stemmed from.
I'm glad you went on to explain about what I guess you could call biological reasons for my feelings. I gather that in some respect we're all subconciously searching for a mate.
As well as university, I also volunteer already. I run a youth club for underprivelaged girls aged 4 to 18. It's fun and hard at the same time but mostly rewarding.
I don't really see how points 4 + 5 will work in my field - I already attend as many industry networking events as possible and keep up to date with all the local studios...
Your second reply seems to me completely at odds with your first. First you say I am essentially odd and should emulate better adults in order to be Luke them and second you say straight out 'of course you're normal' every woman will feel this at some point.
Well which is it? The second reply has strangely helped somewhat. I now realise this is just one of those natural hormone/biology/psychology things and not something I need to really give more attention to.
So in a roynd about way. Thanks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): I am so sorry you would think i did not read your question. Please be assured, I
did read your original question. And noted where you did say that you 'didn't have the most amazing childhood' and that your 'parents didn't have the most amazing marriage'. Note 'didn't' meaning = 'did NOT'.
Your follow up attempts to negate your earlier remarks about your childhood.
Now your emphasis appears to be being restricted to 'being a mother terrifies' you. Why would that be?
Are you worried you may be unable to replicate your mother? Or that you will replicate your mother?
In my first answer i dealt with this possibility by my remark on finding role models, worthy of being studied and their good aspects replicated by observation.
And because of that NOT amazing of childhood, and your parent's marriage, that experience you had resolved to NOT have children.
And that you realise nothing is perfect, but that you would have liked a childhood that was at least 'average'. So the logic from that was that your childhood was less than average. Conclusion your childhood was below average, which is less than average.
That is not a great outcome for you if your experience was less than average.
Most people would read into your words that all was not well,in your childhood, and that you would have liked it to be better. So I had concluded that your childhood experience could have been a lot better.
Thus being a child did not inspire you to emulate the part about bringing a child into the world.
And up to now there have been some less than optimum dating experiences, where you were often just willing to 'go along' with what was the will of the guy you were dating, when arguments occurred.
But recently you met a kind man, who
you've been dating for 3 months. You can even talk things out together like mature adults.
But prior to that you've had some less than optimum experiences.
Of this new guy you said 'he's really good to me, which is NEW'.
The meaning in that being that you felt less well treated than now. So in some of your previous relationships you didn't feel there was enough equity between you and the guy.
But this new relationship is fairer and you feel the more equitable distribution of power, and you feel more confident and respected and more able to trust.
That Trust in this relationship suggests, if you both continue to grow together, and feel good together, means this relationshpmay be able to go the distance.
And earlier you mentioned your 'iron will' indicating great determination and an unwillingness to change your mind, once you've thought it through and made your decision.
I do not always see an 'iron will' as a negative. Great things can be achieved, often with such determination.
Flexibility is called for sometimes. But making a commitment and following through and staying the course is not a bad thing in many situations.
It has though amazed you that you have changed your mind on babies. Possibly due to your new confidence and good experience with this new guy.
That has raised new issues for you.
You are worried about the reaction of your family. They don't have to know about your change of heart. You can keep it to yourself. After all you are still not planning to have a baby immediately.
And if you do eventually get pregnant and your family come out remarks you don't like then you can retort, with civil remarks that show you are not concerned about the change of mind.
But if they are overly concerned, then remind them that their own views are thus their problem, for them to solve, not yours.
You also find yourself fantasising about what baby names would sound the best, and find yourself walking down the baby aisle at the store. What you? With the iron clad assertions about babies? You, who adamantly told your family that you never wanted children.
This IS a big change.
And previously your reasons were sound. In fact your reasons are still sound
Because you are still at University, and unemployed, and you are NOT planning to get pregnant. Presumably because you have many plans already in place for your career ahead. Not babies. At least not yet.
And you find this backflip in your attitude is going to cause problems.
And you wonder if you are normal.
Of course you are normal.
Unconsiously a woman is often on the lookout for a man who will be a good father to her children. It's been an instinct in the human race for billions of years.
As are men often unconsiously on the lookout for a woman who will be a good mother to his Children. It's an inbuilt instinct even in animals, to reject until the perfect mate, arrives.
Good in bed is one thing.
But a good parent is a whole new ball game.
And you have possibly met the very man for babies. But for you, now should not be the time. And you are concerned about even thinking of babies.
In your follow up you are scathing about me not reading your question. I read your question several times. Thought about it, and looked at what your remarks said to me. My answer reflected my analysis of your choice of words and what those words you wrote said to me.
I will always back down, and apologise, where i have erred.
But in this instance my advice still stands.
In your follow up you did query 'what goals' to focus on now.
I agree that your University studies remain number one. It is but a small part of the length of your whole life, and will make a huge difference in your life to come, if you do well in your studies.
Equal number one is go on the contraceptive pill (if you are not already on it and stay on it until as long as you need to.
After, perhaps some considerable time after, and when you are married would be a good time to wait for any babies
Number two is get a small part time job to bring in a little income.
Number three might be to find out if there is any charitable organisation that needs volunteers and do good works to assist single parents and their children. If you have the time and wish to assist. The reason being to allow you to give back with empathy to kids who are experiencing an average or less than average childhood. I expect you will have great understanding of their situation.
Such altrism will also look good on your CV, though that is not the reason i put that suggestion in.
Number four might be to start networking with and join groups that will make a difference in your career. Examples might be a debating society or a public speaking group - both examples where i think you could be excelent.
Number five might be to start researching places where you would like to work. Read their annual reports, look at their web sites, Read newspaper analysis on what is happening in those companies. So when you do apply to work there you will know the companies and their projects and their future
directions, like one of their own.
Number six is not to get sidetracked. Use your iron will to advance your studies and your career goals.
Cherish your new kind man in your life. Make time for each other and enjoy good times with each other, as you build the relationship. If he is the ONE, then true love is always willing to wait, even if that is waiting for the right time for marriage, and babies. Sometimes in some areas you both may occasionally have to agree to differ or to compromise. As long as there is trust between you both, it should work out.
On the really big issues it will help if you both agree on what the big issues are, and both are moving in the same direction, on the same page, re the big then it can work.
I wish you well in the future.
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A
female
reader, xtwinklex +, writes (26 November 2010):
xtwinklex is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, did you actually read my question? Because it really doesn't seem like it.
And as for wanting to be loved after a tragic childhood, the opposite is actually true. Being a mother terrifies me.
I'm sorry to hear you are so saddened by my life but may i ask why? Also what goals do you suggest I focus myself more on?
It seems to me that you think I spend my day sat inside dreaming of babies. I did not say anything of the sort which makes me think you didn't read my question.
I am in the middle of a university degree, am working on building a career in a very competitive field. I live alone in a rented house but am saving towards a deposit to own my own house and I have never been in debt in my life.
Yes the IDEA of a baby is cute, but I am well aware of how much time and effort they consume.. this terrified me.
I do wish people would read before answering.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): the girls most likely to have this fantasy are girls who have had a childhood that let them down. Where they felt unloved.
And so erroneously they think a baby will love them and be loved back by them.
But it is a flawed plan.
Where a child has had a less than optimum childhood the best thing to do is finish one's education, start building a career, and get some savings in the bank, don't run up any debts, and put more stability in their lives.
Another tack is to observe some good adults whose behaviour, values and attitudes are worthy of being emulated.
This will make it easier to make good choices in your life.
To bring a baby into your life you need more maturity, better financial stability, and a much longer time relationship than you have.
That you are having this baby fantasy is saddening to hear, for me. It suggests, to me, that you have too much time for day dreaming and not enough focus on goals more appropriate for this stage of your life
Have you romanticized what a baby represents?
And been unrealistic about all the negatives a baby would be at this time in your life?
Please rechannel your energy into something that will really make your life better, by more studies, or getting involved in activities that help the community and uplift you.
Do you want to succeed in life?
Or have you chosen a goal that will be a roadblock to achieving more appropriate goals for this time in your life?
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