A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Me and my bestfriend, who I work in the same office with, started hanging out with this guy we also work with. The guy works in the field so we only get to hang out when he is in town, which happens about once a month.Anyway, before the three of us started hanging out together, it was just the guy and me. We flirt a lot and I felt he was interested in me. He was really fun and I really enjoyed his company and our flirtations but I wasn't looking to pursue anything romantic with him. At one point, he tried to hug me and I instinctively pushed him away. After that he stopped being touchy feely with me but other than that nothing changed in our communication: we still texted and flirted. Not long after that, my bestfriend, at my invitation joined our hangouts and they got along. My bestfreind would frequently tease me with him, and make jokes about about leaving the room so the two of us (me and the guy) could have our fun. This dynamic went on for months - us three hanging out with the silent agreement that this guy was my "territory" for lack of better term. It wasnt until this week that I realized they know things I dont. Turns out they have been texting, which I dismissed as no big deal. Then came our office Christmas Party, during which, their behavior was just strange, they rarely spoke to each other and was just overall distant, like they avoid being near each other. But at the same time, theyd keep checking up on the other when the other is not looking. I got suspicious but I suspended my reaction, tried not to think more of it. Then came today. I did something really mean: while she was out of the room, I realized she left her phone on her desk and when it started getting sms notifications, I checked on it. She had it screenlocked but I could still see the message previews, and indeed, it was 6 intimate messages from the guy, with lots of heart emoticons. There was mention of a particular hotel so they must have had sex already. I want to be a supportive friend, but I really cant help feeling disgusted with them both. I guess the point of this question really is, I want to understand why I feel this way. I understand that I dont really have any claim on the guy. I even sort of understand why they had to hide it from me. So why do I feel bad? How do I get rid of this irrational feeling?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2018):
 This guy tried to get close you and you pushed him away. My guess is your friend is keeping it quiet because she doesn't know how you will react. Which in fairness its up to them if they want there relationship kept quiet or not. Maybe you did have some feelings for this guy or maybe it's a case off you feel you have lost him as a friend and your best friend if they get closer. Either way I think you should try to ignore this and be happy for them both. Please don't ever invade someone else's privacy though, that was none off your business.
A
male
reader, DarrellG  +, writes (22 December 2017):
 I wouldn't go quite as far to say irrational but I would say they are somewhat muddled and unjustified.
Lets start from the top. You had your chances with this guy and you pushed him away despite the fact that the way you are feeling now clearly proves there was something there on your side too. Nonetheless, as you recognise you never pursued this and you cant therefore hold it against them that they have pursued something with each other though hiding it from you is deceitful and hurtful on their part because when all said you are their friend and deserve better than that. In that sense, there and only there, your hurt feelings as a friend you have just complaint.
I think you need to talk to them both about it. Doubtlessly they hid it because they both recognise that you have feelings that you seemingly don't recognise yourself, something that isn't uncommon. I would say to them that you wish them well as a couple because you have given yourself no other choice now, but that you are really hurt that they hid this from you and I would leave it at that. Hopefully, this will give you some closure and you will be able to move on eventually and find someone else.
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