A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles, I seem to be facing a weird situation at work. And any insights would be of great help. I am a mid senior worker with several years of work experience and I am decently qualified (couple of degrees in finance), currently working at this company. I report into to the finance head. I work with other function heads for their inputs on financial plans. I needed some inputs from another function head and he wasnt co-operating. One fine day prior to the start of a huge meeting ( the CEO and HR were not in that meeting), with a mischeivous grin he called me in front 20 odd people and started grilling me in a very loud voice on basic concepts (tell me what is NPV, IRR) in finance for a good 10 mins. I patiently explained everything and then politely asked him for his pending contributions. Reluctantly he agreed. While I handled him pretty well in front the crowd which comprised of seniors as well as junior members, I felt quite irritated for being picked upon. No one else had to put up with this sort of an attitude from this guy. He behaves himself with them and in fact goes out of his way to mentor them. I barely interacted with him and I am a silent polite sort at work. I keep to myself and my work- its not like i pick fights or look to rub people the wrong way. I decided to rest this issue since it seemed a one off case. But his hostile behavior towards me continued.I work with junior interns and help them with their work/ instruct etc as a senior. At the sound of my voice, this guy would walk over to my table, ask my team what they are working on. He would ask them really difficult questions which sometimes they wouldnt be able to answer. If i pitched in to help the team out- he would either pretend not to listen to me or shut me down rudely in front of the entire team. This happened twice atleast. He would also direct questions at me in meetings and then pretend to go deaf as soon I started answering them. I was becoming extremely uncomfortable interacting with anyone in his vicinity fearing ( yes fearing) that he would again pick on me.So to put a stop to all this, I politely texted him (Foolish of me I guess) inquiring if he had any issues with my work /skill sets since basis his interactions he seemed quite concerned and said I was happy to connect to resolve any disconnect there. He texted back calling me a good talent and said he wanted to have a 1-on-1 chat with me when free. It was during the chat - rather his monologue- where things went further south. Since he inquired why I texted him, I explained a couple of instances where his behaviour seemed off. He said he didnt remember any of the instances (they were indeed recent and his memory isnt that bad). He then asked about my work profile and told me that I am probably confronting him because I am not deployed well enough and apologised on behalf of senior management that despite my skillset I was not suitably occupied (Not true- I had good rapport with the Finance head with whom I was working and work was in fact smooth). He later went on to say he didnt know me and had no opinion of me. He also explained he would give me some more finance work ( which the finance head had already entrusted to me) and would speak to the CEO about me. He then went on to tell me that if not for this conversation- which according to him he initiated- I wouldn't speak to him in the future and probably wouldn't work with him in the future as well. He said I seemed to have the same fire to further my career that he saw in himself when he was my age and began talking about his professional accomplishments at work. He ended the conversation by saying he would report my behaviour to CEO alone and keep things other wise private. He barely allowed me to even speak in the meeting and I for my part found him contradicting himself a lot. I had done enough research about him prior to texting him- He was the second most senior guy in the company, the CEO's pet and controlls his team with an iron fist but doesnt pick on people the way he did on me. In fact I was told that he kept to himself and is largely compassionate?! I texted him only because I didnt have any other option of putting an end to this behavior and wanted to work in peace. I also didnt want to attract unwanted attention or create a scene as a mid senior employee. Post this meeting, for good measure he went and bitched about my attitude to another senior co-worker within my earshot- with the same smile ( infact after glancing at me and making sure that I am within earshot).He was explaining how I need exposure at work and had very little experience.He naturally kept mum about his role in this entire story. He had also informed (possibly filed a complaint) the HR about me- with HR conducting an embarassing 1-on-1 where I was questioned about my intentions towards him. The HR for her part tried involving an impartial co-worker (which was the other co-worker to whom he bitched about me).I asked the HR to stick to a 1-on-1 if thats what was the protocol. Everything went against me during the session since there was no recorded evidence about this guy's behavior towards me and he had initiated the complaint. There was a written report sent against my name. Strangely the CEO seemed to have been left out of this entire ordeal. The other senior co worker (other than the HR) to whom he spilled everything about me too was very nasty to me and would make cloak and dagger remarks about me whenever possible. The saving grace is that the CEO and my boss both view me in good regard and both of them are very encouraging of my talent. I have an excellent rapport with both of them and that has not changed by even an inch post this episode. My performance ratings were also quite good. So no issues there. I am getting more opportunities at workplace. a critical engagement that I handled meanwhile came out with flying colors. The HR lady for her part told me there is no case and showed me the written report where it was concluded that there was no incident to report ( But there were few things written about my allegations were baseless and that I have been counselled for better behaviour- which i found disturbing). She also told me off the record that this place works more like a mom n pop outfit and not like my earlier organization - which was a multinational conglomerate- where people act differently. Now coming back to this guy. I kept all my interactions polite only to have him overreacting. Frankly I am confused and extremely uncomfortable at the turn of events. I actually agreed to chat with guy when he texted back only in a bid to reconcile and make things more professional at work. I didnt expect this much of a backlash that too after his intitial texts which seemed cordial. I am also not sure if his behaviour of picking on me will continue when the CEO is not around. Also turning up to this workplace everyday is making it really miserable for me- I reporting after all into a place where there is a written record about my behaviour and the unfairness of what has transpired is hurting. On the other hand quitting seems to be a poor choice since this guys has till now not bothered me and despite all issues the CEO and my boss have made me feel comfortable and excited about my career. Whatever I have worked on I have worked pretty hard and it has come out well. So should I stand my ground here instead of retreating and walking away? Lastly - Why me ? Why not any of my peers ? He got away explaining to HR that he was carrying out a skills assessment on me and that I was misreading everything. None of the other guys were treated likewise. There are a couple of glaring things otherwise- he, the HR lady, another guy and I are from the same region and speak the same language - we are a minority here. I converse with the other 2 people in my native tongue. This guy right from the start would speak to me only in the majority language (Now post all this fiasco he actually tried striking a casual conversation with me in my native tongue- I went ahead with my work and paid no attention - he has filed a complaint with HR after all - I didnt want to risk a conversation/interaction with him after all this) . In fact prior to being introduced to him, i overheard the HR telling him that I was from his native and was fluent in his mother tongue- he sulkily remarked that his natives these days preferred interacting in other languages. I have also caught him staring at me when he thinks I am not looking many times. I have no idea what this guy wants with me. He is a senior in his late thirties - a decade older than me- said to be single (he is separated from his family- custody battle. bitter divorce etc), quite a looker and is a an excellent worker otherwise.And I said before he is said to be aloof and reserved all the time. And because of his otherwise decent reputation (no complaints of any kind against him) I realize my side of this issue will never be heard and am uncomfortable meeting him and the other co-worker daily at work. What do I do with this guy and the discomfort that I am feeling about turning up to this workplace everyday? Also is there some other risk here that I should be watching out for ? What am I missing out ? - Aunts and uncles - would love your insights. Really confused here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2021): Hi Aunts and uncles, I am the original posted of this question. Thanks a lot to each and everyone of you for your responses. I am keeping you all updated about the progress in this case :1. Additional info about this guy - I did a bit of digging about this guy only to find that his volatility has a history behind it. He is a philanderer who apparently cheated on his wife multiple times, who naturally divorced him and took away their girl child to live with her. He had then joined another company where yet again he got into an affair with another woman and ended up separating her from her husband. The HR and the other senior worker i have mentioned have their own share of history. Both of them have respectively landed their jobs through their husbands who are high ranking officers in a sister concern. I realised that with the exception of these two women, the marketing head in our company ( who again got in through her husband's referral yet again), and the CEO, everyone practically dislikes this guy. All the other people especially the senior men folk and younger women professionals have started maintaining a cool distance from this guy- they are already aware of his past track record. Wiseowle, i found it hard to believe that all other people would ever point hands at him , but they are already questioning his existence to a certain extent. His politics is slowly swallowing the company's vision, for some reason the CEO keeps taking his side. The man tries to put too many road blocks in my work everyday- but i no longer worry since my boss isn't approving of his attitude at all. I am anyway looking out for opportunities since i have lost respect for the organization and its favoritism towards the kind of employees whom they favor over others. But thanks to each and every one of you for your responses / inputs. It helped me greatly during a very tricky phase in life. Will keep you all posted.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2020): What you are describing is a scarey situation! The man giving you problems might have a deviant sexual interest, in you OP: Not from anything that you have done or said though! It sounds like he wants to dominate you, and he has been auditioning you, to judge just how submissive you will be, to him, plus he stands and just stares at you too! Normal adults can have a talk, and iron out any disagreements and misunderstandings, so naturally a kind and laidback girl, like yourself, would logically seek to talk out whatever problem that this man has with you! That is NORMAL adults do. Hon, this man is no normal adult and he is number two in that company, and the HR lady could be one of his submissives! You should leave that job, as soon as you can, because he will either have you fired, or make you submit to him, first at work, then outside of work, and finally in bed! You deserve better than what he has planned for you! Once he gets you under his control, he can force you to give sex to whoever, or destroy you!
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A
female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (1 July 2020):
 Although it backfired, you did what was right at the time. You tried to figure things out between the two of you which isn't wrong. You did what you had to. Now on to him, he seems like a bully that picks a target and proceeds to do a death roll until said target leaves work. He has singled you out for a reason. None of us can really say what that reason is. It could be a very sick and twisted one because honestly, at this point, he's going above and beyond to ruin your reputation within the company for whatever reason. He intends to make your life very difficult while you're working there. He seems bitter, insane and egotistical. He knows that he has everyone under his thumb and that's why he's acting out. He knows that very little, if anything, will come from you airing your grievances.
Your absolute best move right now, I think, would be to create some sort of a trail of evidence to show what he's up to. Even though no one seems to believe him now, I think that a point will come where he will reveal his true self to at least one other person. In which case, that will be a good thing. At least then, should you decide to leave the company, you would have proof to sort everything out legally.
It really isn't fair that this is how you have to work. Especially since you really enjoy your job. I think a lot of us have worked somewhere where we've loved our jobs but been made to feel uncomfortable by someone and thus started questioning whether or not we should stay with the company. It's a very compromising position to be in and uncomfortable to say the least.
I would stay away from him as much as possible especially after the trouble that he's caused. Meaning, any conversations that don't include work, should not be had. This guy is not your friend and he does not have your best interest at heart either. Keep your head down and keep working. Your work ethic speaks for itself. The ones that need to see that, already do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 June 2020):
 I think this is a case of pride. You called him out on his behavior but in a civil and polite manner (over text and in a 1 on 1) He took this as you "flexing" on him or trying to point out his "flaws" in a work environment and he DID not take kindly to that. So what did he do? HE turned everything on it's head and made YOU out to be the one who can't/won't cooperate and play nice. HR believed him over you, because he probably bullied her too (even if in a milder version) or because he is good with words convinced her into believing HIS side and not listen to yours.
I think it clearly shows that he is a prideful man. Probably also why he is going through a bad divorce. My guess is, he doesn't take responsibility for his own short comings.
I think texting him and asking him what his problem with you is, was a low-key way to figure out of YOU needed to change anything. But maybe not the right way to go about it, especially with this guy. But that is in hindsight.
If you have further issues with him, I think your boss, with whom you have a good rapport should be the one to go to and ask what you should do. IF more crops up.
For now? I would let it rest. While it wasn't resolved in a way that was satisfactory for you both, HR seems to think there is nothing further to it. Which means... they won't do squat.
Keep being professional. Avoid being alone with him and I would also avoid talking to him (unless it is with regards to work). If he comes to grill YOUR team, let him. Don't try and step in and save the day if they don't know the answers. Sit back and observe. Once he walks away, you can then talk to your team about the "right answer". Just no complaining about him. Except to your DIRECT boss IF he acts up again.
I think he does this to poke at you. He is trying to get a raise out of you. To get you on your defense. You don't need to be defensive around him.
Same with the asking questions in meeting. Do these question pertain to the subject discussed or is he trying to show you up or trip you up? If it's not about what is being discussed I would just comment with a that is a good question but no relevant to the current topic. It's NOT his job to question you or your job performance. Is it? So don't give him an inch there. He is arrogant. And he is trying to paint you in a bad light by asking you questions, hoping you don't know the answers.
Also, it sounds like he has a bit of an issue with you being a woman. I could be wrong, but maybe some of the anger over a bad divorce means he has issues with most women he comes across.
Why you? Like I said, it might be because you are a woman. Or you are younger than him and doing good. If his home life has fallen apart, he can't handle critique at work, because he needs to have order somewhere. That is my guess.
The thing is not everyone will like you at work or in life. For whatever reason, he has decided he doesn't like you and he knows YOU don't like him. It hurts his ego.
Show no fear, no worries. DO your job and do it the best that you can. It will pass over. Be professional. As best as you can, PRETEND that this doesn't phase you. Don't play his games.
While it sounds odd, this isn't about you, it's about him. HE is the one who has issues here. YOU just happened to be the one holding up the mirror.
I certainly wouldn't quit a good job because one loony-toon is acting out. But I also wouldn't let this jackwaggon ruin my career. So, IF he pulls another stunt - talk to your direct boss. You boss KNOWS you, he knows the quality of your work and how you (so far) have worked with your coworkers.
Also IS he the one to assess you skills? IF not, AGAIN, TALK to your boss. " He got away explaining to HR that he was carrying out a skills assessment on me and that I was misreading everything. "
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2020): Here's the deal. On the surface, it all seems to be working against you; but he's slowly digging a hole for himself. He is using his "maleness" and seniority as a shield; but his erratic and inexplicable behavior will eventually start to resonate with the CEO and other executive-management. After awhile, others will ask the same question. Why you!
My assumption is that they are aware of it already! He has already made sure HR is in his pocket. HR lady will start to seem suspicious too; if what happens in-front of everybody never seems to appear on record. People sometimes will corroborate your side of events; when they see the injustice. Don't count on any volunteers; but sometimes it unexpectedly turns in your favor. When the same thing comes their way...and it will!!! They'll need your personal experience and testimony to substantiate their complaints. Cowards that they may be now!
Politely decline one-on-one meetings with him, when possible. Ask if there will be an intermediary, or third-party present to be sure that notes are taken; and there are no misunderstandings as in the past. Each time a meeting with you is requested; alert HR of the date, time, and place. Do not leave your notes on work premises. Quote him as accurately as you can. Take notes of what he says, and of what you say. If he questions what you're doing; inform him that you want to be sure to record any issues he suggests that require attention. You want to be sure his concerns are accurately documented. You will address them immediately. He can't stop you from keeping notes; and it will also make him self-conscious of his behavior, and he will almost certainly watch his words.
If he will not allow anyone else to sit-in on your meetings, ask if you may record your conversations due to your discomfort of being alone with him. Of course he will object; but he will begin to see that you realize you are being singled-out and intimidated. Use his own style against him, indirectness and ambiguity! I'm corporate too; so, been there and done that!!! He's clever, and doing his best to force you to quit out of intimidation. Don't! Grow a thicker skin! A corporate plate of armor! Be tough!
He's smart, and he may be a little misogynistic. You've become his target. Maybe you remind him of someone he hates. He seems like the kind of guy who resents women (or gay-men) who can compete with him intellectually, and professionally. It bothers him that you seem unfettered or unimpressed with his self-perceived power and importance. Although you are actually intimidated by his constant badgering and offensive commentary; that he is so bold as to humiliate you openly before your colleagues. He's hoping you'd go out of your way to seek his mercy and succumb to his bullying.
It speaks volumes about their kind of hostile management-style; and the patriarchal-environment of the company. It is no mom and pop establishment, as the HR lady claims. He's abusing his authority, and singling you out. His position shields him to a degree. The CEO can't choose your side, and undermine his authority. Eventually this guy is going to trip over his own penis! Pardon the metaphor.
His mistake is pontificating before an audience, and choosing a target of his disdain. He'll get too comfortable with himself; thus, he will hang himself. It won't be long before it is seen for what it is. It is already...but to admit it, would give you a solid-case for harassment and a hostile work-environment. He hides behind his title, but he's abusing the authority. Everyone can see it. No matter what HR lady does to protect him. CEO looks the other-way, but the mistake is doing all this in-front of people; which his ego is proving to be self-destructive and incriminating-evidence. Seemingly, his objective is to undermine you; and embarrass you at every turn.
No matter where you work, there will always be an adversary/adversaries. It's the law of survival, and a fact of life. That law being, the survival of the fittest! God is behind you! What challenges you makes you stronger. If you can endure it, you'll come-out with bigger muscles; and able to withstand any test of your fortitude as a strong-woman, and as a professional. Some guys don't like smart-women or to see them succeed; because some how it emasculates or diminishes his accomplishments. Like a gay-man couldn't possibly be man enough to run a region of an internationally-known company; because he's "too light in his loafers!" Oh yeah?!!
I've been in your shoes. I am a gay-man in corporate-America; I have swam with the sharks! I've withstood backstabbing, false-accusations, and intimidation. I rose to the top of my field all the same! I've earned my badges, medals, and honors. I've been passed-over and ignored. I've persevered, in spite of it all! Yes, like you...I was petrified and frozen with fear! Being a man didn't help me. I wasn't married, and had no evidence of a wife and kids in my future. In their eyes, I may as well be a woman! Now they answer to me! Many of those former-foes are either retired, dead, moved-on; or have been replaced and transferred.
It's business-politics and a pissing-contest. He is resentful of you; because you takeaway his uniqueness and tokenism; as being their token-minority who shows everybody how bright and shiny he is. Now you're there; proving he's not all that unique, or bright and shiny. You're a woman, and he feels threatened. There is no apparent reason, but it will eventually blow-up in his face. Carefully choose your words, keep your back straight, hide your fear; and let him perform. Take notes! He can't create things about you with no evidence to substantiate it; and soon he will prove to be a liability. The irony is, someday you may become his boss! Discouraging you should instead motivate you. Don't allow him to demean or berate your professionalism; as it is proven and substantiated by your actual job-performance reviews. That not only repudiate his accusations; but contradict them altogether. Inconsistencies made apparent by your job-performance, and reviews; and what people are witnessing are the incriminating-evidence against him.
If you have to leave; because the intimidation and hostility becomes overwhelming. Find a new job, lawyer-up; with a good harassment/labor-attorney. Take a chunk out their assets for harassment, intimidation, humiliation, and a hostile work-environment. Make no threats, keep your cards close to your chest. Be yourself, stay professional, and never let him see you sweat...even when your teeth are chattering, your knees are knocking, and you're scared you might pee your pants! Been there, and done that too!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2020): OP, the most troubling things that I hear, are these: Firstly, you were written up, for no wrong doing! Secondly, despite this mans alleged reputation, he is a loose canon, a narcisist, and has schizophrenic behaviors! Thirdly, this man is openly violating all HR protocols by poisoning coworkers minds and opinions against you! I commend you for reaching out to this man, with an olive branch, but now you know that it was a wrong move! Generally OP, the one who strikes the first blow, in a fight, will win the fight! Where you went wrong was, either you did not know there was a fight, or you were foolish enough to believe that a fight could be avoided! This man is a bully and he is hostile toward you! How close to retirement is the CEO? Who is likely to replace him, to be the next CEO? Here is my advice: You must pick and choose when to make a stand. It is not running away in cowardice, to walk away from an unfair fight, where HR has already shown passive aggresive behavior toward you, by writing you up! Move on
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