A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do I stop being suspicious about what this girl is doing with my ex?My ex left me after a year, for another woman, 2 or 3 months back. It hurt me terrible and my ex stopped speaking to me over it.The thing is - I can't stop obsessing over what they are doing or if they'll stay together - because I never really had an explanation about why he suddenly didn't want me.I know that they have had one or two fall outs since, but equally they keep getting back together too.I just want to know how to stop obsessing over them. I know he is an ex - but we were close and suddenly he just didn't want to know me anymore. I would love to discuss things with him for closure - but he doesn't speak to me now.Why do men just cut contact like that - when once I must have meant something to him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2015): Thanks Anon - I have never thought of numbers & months as a fraction of my life! It makes sense - just wish my heart would catch on too - as that is what's stopping me from moving on!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2015): Cant add much more to the honest helpful replies except you will recover and its all about how you view things. Your logic tells you all the right things but the heart takes longer to catch up. This means the reality is in front of you but the nostalgia and familiarity of the last year hold you back.What helps me are numbers. I would be thinking ok thats 12 months. What is 12 months of my life? It is a drop in the ocean even if you are only 30. You have lived 360 months so thats not a lot really. Somehow make him seem less than what he is now and was before. Shrink him into that tiny space of your life. So much more of it was lived without him. I would visualise before him in my mind and thinking of my life without rather than with him. Then start afresh. Journal time. New fresh page and new times ahead.Good times. Better times.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2015): Yes JustaskVicky - I'm the OP - he is taking the easy way out & has been quite nasty about me too - that's why I don't know why I still care - but I do. I just wish I go back to when it hadn't happened...
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A
female
reader, JustAskVicky  +, writes (28 June 2015):
Its's obvious you are in pain, and having trouble moving on.,I can completely understand how devastating it is that he isn't talking to you, and has cut you off. He is taking the easy way out, so he doesn't have to face your pain. I have a couple of things to suggest to help you move on: when you start obsessing, write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. You will be acknowledging your feelings and it will help you get perspective on what you are feeling and why. It would also suggest perhaps seeing a therapist to help,you sort out your feelings and move on. Be kind to yourself, and be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself with kindness. Act like your own best friend. You have had your heart broken, and it will heal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2015): Wow WiseOwlIE - thanks for your very in depth answer, I am the original poster!!
I feel I am moving on slowly - I have never been like this before - but yes I still have this obsession still - & everything I do reminds me that I have been dumped. On the outside I am pretending I don't care - but inside it still eats me up!!
I would like to pretend I have moved to my ex but he won't know because he has cut contact with me!
I'm not one for going on dates really - so can't even forget him by getting another man.
Thanks anyway..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2015): By the way, I got dumped a couple of years ago too. It hurt like hell. Since, I've found a great guy. He's much more handsome, smart, richer, and he's good to me. I was thinking just like you when the other guy dumped me out of the blue. Then dated someone else only over month after dumping me. I didn't stalk! That's not my style. A friend of mine saw him while on vacation; and reported it back to me. Some friend, huh? It pissed me off, and that gave me more motivation to get over him. So I did!
Baby-girl, it feels worse before it gets better! Just be good to yourself. We all do crazy silly things when we're in pain, and when our hearts are broken. Come back as often as you need to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2015): Closure? You sometimes have to create your own closure, or you'll never move forward. Stop stalking the guy. Everything you do to keep track of what he's doing, who he's with, or where he is; that is STALKING! It isn't healthy behavior, and it is making you miserable. It's early after the breakup. It's all the grief and shock that is making you crazy. Sweetie, been there and done that!
When people suddenly leave you for someone else, that doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you. It doesn't always mean you did anything wrong. It means they want somebody else. Sometimes it means they are a piece of dirt, and only used you until they could find someone they liked better. That's all.
Your ego is damaged; because he deflated your self-esteem. Not to worry. That can be restored. You're still in shock.
May I ask? Why does his choosing someone over you mean you're not a better person than that other woman? Why does your value drop, because of her? Do you know her? Have you compared yourself directly with her to determine what makes her a better person? Or is your self-worth dependent on his validation? He's the king of world, and having his favor outshines all things said and done? Pu-leez!!! Get a grip, girlfriend!!!
Kill the drama-queen! Your alter-ego. She's making a fool of the two of you. Push the bitch back into the closet and get a hold of yourself. Let no man or woman steel your dignity and sanity. You were a person long before he came along, and you were attractive enough to get his attention.
Well, obviously he doesn't know what the hell he's looking for. Now he's tainted with the scum and slime of another woman's touch. You don't want him back. Their fighting has nothing to do with your value or self-esteem. They have nothing to do with you at all. You're now an ex. That gives you freedom, and freedom of choice. The choice to improve yourself, and to find someone better than him. No worries at this point. You just haven't gone through the phases after breakup. You're being crazy. I feel you!
You have your independence. You can be what you want, go where you want, and be with whomever you want. He found her and he's out of your way. The minute you're over him, and life is looking good; he'll decide he made a mistake. That is equivalent to the toilet backing up.
Never recycle a relationship with an ex who left you for someone else. It may sooth your battered ego; but it tramples all over your dignity as a woman.
It also depreciates you as a strong and independent female; by lowering yourself to chasing after a dick who rejected you.
Delete his number, erase all his messages, block all your social media feeds, and grow-up. You're a woman, not a jealous little high school girl. You've got to grow a pair, and decide you can do it all on your own. You can do better than he has, by finding yourself someone much better. Then you can joyfully reject him when he comes crawling back, once you've found the guy you truly deserve. This is how we survive, sweetie. You put all the rubbish behind you and you move on. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Obsessing is weakness. Dwelling on what you can't have. In this case, pining for someone you don't need. Who doesn't want you anymore. If he comes back, you're second-choice. Things didn't workout, so he comes back after pouring sh*t all over your feelings.
This is good for you. A good dose of female scorn will set in; then your logic and subconscious-mind will start to educate you. You'll ignore your whiny little broken-heart. Why are you wasting your precious time over that ass-hat?
He's a tear-drop in an ocean of men. You have a population of options. It may take time, but use that time to get your sh*t together. Obsessing over some dick and his tart. You get a pass, because we all get crazy after being dumped. I got dumped, so I will not judge you harshly; I'll just kick you in the butt to make you stop acting silly. I can't slap you from here; so I'll use my wisdom to help you.
Girlfriend...seriously?!!! Call your girlfriends together and get him out of your system. You need your female support system. You're running off your tracks.
You're selling yourself short and cheap over a man. You're so very young and have so much to learn.
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