A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well... I've always been really closed with my emotions and never let myself fall for anybody properly in case I lose them. Around half a year ago, I met this boy and although I knew it would be more than likely that he'd turn out to be really bad news because of his track record with girls, I started to let myself fall for him.In the last few months, my mum got really ill and he was always there for me and became a shoulder that I could go to cry on when I needed to. He became more and more important to me, and I actually began to let myself fall for him. We got together a few times and he asked me to be with him, but because of my mum's situation I said no.About two weeks after that, and about six weeks ago now, my beautiful mum lost her battle with cancer and passed away.I don't think I could have got through it without him, and I really fell hard for him.And then he started ignoring me for a few weeks, then inviting me out, only to ignore me again.He ignored me entirely for a few weeks and got with a few other girls and it completely tore me apart, because everything became reality. It was the most horrible time of my life.And then he started talking to me again. And I shouldbe angry and not have anything else to do with him, but now I feel so fragile, as if I need him more than ever, but ignoring everything that he did to hurt me, I told him that I want to go all the way with him, and of course, he agreed because he's done it all so many times before.He's just going to hurt me again, but this time it will be worse than before, but even so, I just can't let him go.Does anyone have any advice for me, at all? I hate this situation, even when he does lovely things, I still feel as if I could burst into tears.I wish I'd never met him, I just want to be able to forget about him, but I can't find the strength to walk away.How can I make myself do this?I'm sorry my question is so long, thank you for reading it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Sorry about your loss. It's normal that now you feel particularly vulnerable , and you are afraid to face one more " loss ". But you can use this loss to gain strength, and coping skills. Now you don't have a mom anymore, so you have to sort of become your own mom- you have to develop fast good parenting skills, and learn to defend yourself from harm same as a mother would defend you. You'll see what I am getting at in a second.
So- words are important. Who talks straight,thinks straight. When you give words improper meanings,you get confusion and muddled thinking.
You say you "can't" ditch this loser. Wrong. You can. There is nothing and nobody preventing you from doing it.
"Can't" is when you have a broken leg , and, even applying
all due effort, you CAN'T walk because your bones do not
support your weight. "Can't " is when you are locked inside a cell, somebody else has the keys, so you CAN'T go out.
You COULD let go of this guy, all you've got to do is say no/ignore him / change your phone no. Etc. I mean, there are plenty of appropriate actions you could take- you refuse to take them. You DON'T WANT to take them. You are not willing to go through the momentary discomfort/unease that these actions would bring you. Why ?
You know your experience with this guy sucks and you have sufficient infos to reasonably assess that it will suck more and it will hurt more- so much probably doing without him ,ultimately, would bring you LESS sufference.
But you have built up this mental construction in which ,with all the anxiety, hurt, sadness and disrespect this guy is bringing into your life, you fear your life would be even worse without him.
It's all about fear .
- so that's where the mothering part kicks in. You CAN find the strength to " do the right thing " when you decide you care about yourself as your mother would have cared- that
you are as precious to yourself as you were to her, and that it's your duty to care about yourself as she would have cared.
Moms do a lot of uncomfortable things, things that they don't really want to do, that they do not feel prepared for, - they do it if it's good for their kids.
Be your own mom - do not let anybody hurt you or demean you or disrespect you. You are too valuable for that.
A
female
reader, strawberry123  +, writes (4 January 2011):
I went through this situation except the bit about your loss! I heard about this boy and I knew exactly what I was letting myself in for but he made me feel so special and loved and I risked and continued to allow myself getting hurt because he was really all I wanted. I lost friends because of him, I heard rumours everyday how he was seen with other girls and I believed what he said because he knew exactly what to say, I was feeling hurt every day but he meant everything to me and I couldn't let him go!
On his prom night he spent the whole night on the phone to me, he told me how much he loved me and then my world came crashing down when I got told the next day he had sex with another girl, he told me his side of the story and deep down I never wanted to believe the rumour but because of his reaction I knew it was right. He then ignored me we didn't speak for ages and it killed me, I was broken, he was my first proper love and everyday it was like he was killing me that little bit more but the time apart away from him gave me time to think about how stupid and silly I had been.
He then texted me telling me he didn't think it would work and to be honest that was the best thing for me. On a number of occasions after he told me how he wanted me back, he loved me, I was stunning and all he ever wanted but I said no, even though I still wanted to be with him I could not allow myself to go through that all again.
I think it's time you move on, don't let him take you for a fool. I'm sure your a beautiful girl, avoid contact with him and move on with your life otherwise things will just get worse.
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