A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I married the man of my dreams this past November. In May, I learned that he's been having an affair since February, barely three months into our marriage. I moved out and we filed for a non-contested divorce. Now I'm finally free of him and decided to go no contact. But I'm still having an incredibly difficult time moving on. We dated for five years and lived together for four years. He treated me so well until he cheated. There were no signs. I don't know if they're still together. I can't get the image out of my mind. I've barely been getting any sleep during the weekdays as my mind is constantly thinking of him. I've even tried breathing exercises and meditating. On the weekends, I'm so exhausted that i basically sleep all weekend. I know he's not the man for me and I'm fortunate to discover early. But it's truly painful to accept. I feel so incredibly sad that so many of my friends got married this year and last year. But my marriage is the only one that didn't work out. It's so difficult to come to terms that he wasn't the man i thought he was. I'm heartbroken that he could do this to me and set us up for failure. We barely just celebrated with family and friends. We had a life built together with goals. He even flew my elderly grandparents from overseas to attend our wedding as a surprise gift for me. How do I move forward?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 August 2019):
 OP as far as I know, someone doesn't just cheat out the blue. It cannot be that everything was absolutely hunky dory for 5 years and then one day he got up, went out, met someone and decided to sleep with her.
It must have been going on for longer, maybe he never wanted to get married in the first place, maybe he got married because he felt pressured into it by his family, maybe the other woman was always present and you were the good-on-paper girl. Whatever it is, you know this man is absolute scum. Vows, promises, love and loyalty mean nothing to him. I honestly pity the girl he's with now or whoever ends up with him.
Count yourself lucky OP. You got saved from a lifetime of misery. Now go wash your face, put on some makeup, wear something nice and go out with your friends. No more self pity. You deserve so much better!
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (19 August 2019):
OP as far as I know, someone doesn't just cheat out the blue. It cannot be that everything was absolutely hunky dory for 5 years and then one day he got up, went out, met someone and decided to sleep with her.
It must have been going on for longer, maybe he never wanted to get married in the first place, maybe he got married because he felt pressured into it by his family, maybe the other woman was always present and you were the good-on-paper girl. Whatever it is, you know this man is absolute scum. Vows, promises, love and loyalty mean nothing to him. I honestly pity the girl he's with now or whoever ends up with him.
Count yourself lucky OP. You got saved from a lifetime of misery. Now go wash your face, put on some makeup, wear something nice and go out with your friends. No more self pity. You deserve so much better!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2019): It takes time for the subconscious-mind to catch-up with the reality of your circumstances. We build our hopes and dreams on everything going well; so we invest our trust in the people we love. Expect to be conflicted for awhile. It's difficult to come to terms with disappointment; when you've set your hopes high on your relationship that doesn't pass the test. You're supposed to be grieved. It's normal.
Give yourself time. Stay focused on moving forward even when the mind refuses to cooperate. You really have little choice.
It always takes the mind and heart a little more time to heal than we want to give them. Detaching is a process; and it works in stages. You'll be okay, sweetheart. Be patient.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 August 2019):
 How do you move forward?
BY knowing YOU did the right thing in getting a divorce.
YOU seem to have taken him cheating on you as to be YOUR fault. IT'S not. Who knows he may even have cheated more than once in those 5 years, NOT that it really matter.
WHAT does matter is, YOU thought the two of you had a stable and healthy relationship that lead to marriage. And when you found out it NO LONGER was stable you left.
HE MADE the choice to cheat. My guess is, he didn't REALLY want to be married.
I don't see how YOU are now a "failure". HE is. He failed as a man and a husband.
And I get it, you feel like you should have known this could/would happen. BUT YOU can't. You can't see the future.
My advice? Seek some CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) that is short term so you can work on not OBSESSING over this ANY more, it's time to LET it go, HE doesn't deserve to live in your head and heart rent-free anymore. CBT can give you the tool to work though the thoughts and LET them go.
Don't YOU deserve to have a happy life? If you keep trying to rehash the past you won't move forward.
He certainly has.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (17 August 2019):
First Stop comparing yourself to other people and their marriages. You don’t know what is going on behind closed doors.
Second you are going through the grieving process. And everyone grieves in their own way in their own time. If you don’t think things are getting better ask your doctor for a referral to a therapist who has worked with divorced people.
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